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Original poster

Should I send this email

52 replies

TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 21:55

Ok.. quick back story... no sex, pretty much everything else in relationship is good... however he refuses to talk about the lack of sex....

I'm thinking g of sending the below to him..... good or bad idea? If you OH sent you the below would you be mad? I do t want us to break up.. I just want to know why no sex.

Anyway. ... the email

Hey you,

I've decided to email you rather than talk face to face as I don't want us to argue etc... I want to get my feelings out there as this is driving me insane....

Here goes...

I want to know why we don't have sex anymore... we've been in our house over a year and only done it once in that time. .. I've tried many times to initiate it, but you just don't seem to be interested. (That's the way it comes across to me) you may or may not realise but not havingg intamate affection with you makes me feel very insecure within our relationship, it feels like I'm not good enough for you... the rejection is heart breaking... I've shed tears over it,

I'm asking you/begging you for the sake of our relationship to open up and tell me what's going on and try to fix this... if your not happy, then tell me, if its old man medical reason, then lets try fix it, whatever it is lets talk about it... more than anything I want us to be able to be with each other. ...

I know I'm not perfect. .. my body isn't great, I'm trying to change that.... hopefully you'll prefer a thinner me....

... I love you. .. more than anything.... I love our little family so much.... I don't want to lose that... but this is making me so unhappy...... I just don't understand what's happened to us.. we used to have great sex... I want that back... with you.

Please please please don't ignore this and not reply.......

Thoughts lovely guys

OP posts:
BeCarefulWithThat · 10/08/2015 21:59

Take out the bit about you having a better / thinner body. It's totally irrelevant. Also take out the 'old man' reference.

Spurtle · 10/08/2015 22:00

I'd send it. It's obviously very emotional, and if you try and talk it through you won't get it all out.

I hope not goes well for you.

Spurtle · 10/08/2015 22:00

I hope IT goes well, not NOT goes well Blush. Sorry!

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 22:02

It doesn't come across too selfish?

OP posts:
OttiliaVonBCup · 10/08/2015 22:02

Just talk.

The tone in emails can be badly misinterpreted.

Agree, leave out the old man ill things, and the thinner body and the rest.

Just sit down and talk.

ToTheGups · 10/08/2015 22:03

I think you have been honest but I would remove the old from before man problem or maybe just write medical problem.

BeCarefulWithThat · 10/08/2015 22:03

Please don't put yourself down. You could refer to the lack of sex damaging your self esteem but don't blame your body for the problem. It really isn't the problem.

BeCarefulWithThat · 10/08/2015 22:04

Ottilia, OP states that he refuses to talk about it.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 22:06

I've tried talking... he's not good at talking about things and we end up arguing and what I'm trying to say always comes out all wrong.... like I'm whining... iykwim...

If I sent it... what do you think his reaction would be?

OP posts:
OttiliaVonBCup · 10/08/2015 22:07

Yes, and if he refuses to talk an email will be even worse because he will misinterpret something in it.

It won't help.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/08/2015 22:08

I agree remove the old man and thinner body bit.

Lacoba66 · 10/08/2015 22:08

Hi, OP.

If you want to send this via email, then go ahead, but I will ask you the following;

One year & sex only once? You try to initiate, but he's not recipricating- are there any mental health issues on his part?

Take out the part that says "I'm not perfect & references to your weight or size". Please do this!

No one is perfect OP, but you need to know that if he will not open up to you, then no matter what format you address this in, it will not change and he will not give you what you need.

RepeatAdNauseum · 10/08/2015 22:08

I'm guessing by the "please please please don't ignore this and not reply" bit that his usual MO is to ignore you and not reply, so that's what I think he'll do.

Worth a try, though. Just remove the "old man" bit and the references to a better body, because they aren't relevant, and it may well mean he blames your body when it's not the real reason. Don't provide an excuse for him.

BeCarefulWithThat · 10/08/2015 22:09

He might try to ignore it.

Or he might reply saying he will try harder, but not really getting to the nub of the problem.

Or he might open up and explain the problem.

Do you think he would consider couples counselling, TnBiscuits?

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 22:09

Ok... then how do I start the conversation..... baring in mind he will change the subject to avoid talking....

OP posts:
OttiliaVonBCup · 10/08/2015 22:09

Is he much older OP?
Are there medical problems?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/08/2015 22:11

I agree that you should take out the old man part although I'd leave in the medical reason. I'm not sure about the bit about you being thinner because it's offering a reason rather than giving him a blank slate.

I think it's fine to send an email when he's refusing to talk about it.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 22:12

I text him before about lack of intimacy... and he just text back sorry... said he could talk as at work.... when he got home he didn't want to talk.... I don't want us to split up .... I just want answers....

OP posts:
Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 22:12

Not aware of medical problems... I'm 38 he's 47

OP posts:
Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 22:14

No mental health issues either

OP posts:
OttiliaVonBCup · 10/08/2015 22:14

So why the old man reference?
47 is not old.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/08/2015 22:15

How about really paring it back- ask him if he could discuss the lack of sex in your relationship with you that evening. Say it's upsetting you, and you want to get closeness back in your relationship.

Fwiw, I had exactly your dilemma, but I couldn't put it in an email or text, I just messaged him saying we really needed to have an honest discussion. Then I sat down and said to him "what do you think I'm going to say? You're in this relationship too, what do you think is wrong between us" and he said "nothing", then I said "how about the [outlined the total withdrawal of physical contact]" and he said "oh, that".

For me, our relationship couldn't survive it. He had withdrawn from sex because of a past trauma that he had never shared with me, and refused to get help with. He said some extremely upsetting things that I never got over.

I really truly hope you get a better outcome.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 22:16

No its not old.. I was trying to lighten the email...

OP posts:
OttiliaVonBCup · 10/08/2015 22:17

And that's what I meant by misunderstanding the tone.

lavenderhoney · 10/08/2015 22:18

If you're going to break uo with him, as you say, I don't see the point in sending the email.

Could you move out/ ask him to, depending on your circumstances. I should imagine he knows why - no sex means no affection and cuddles - all that stuff intrinsic to a relationship. Did you have a good sex life with chatting before you moved in? And why have you both soldiered on?

Do you have DC? Are you married? He won't talk but he doesn't have cloth ears. Just tell him. If he ignores you, say " ok, I'll give you a week to talk or email me, because this can't go on, so we will have to separate. I don't want to, but obviously I can't live like this and neither can you- we are both unhappy"