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Original poster

Should I send this email

52 replies

TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 21:55

Ok.. quick back story... no sex, pretty much everything else in relationship is good... however he refuses to talk about the lack of sex....

I'm thinking g of sending the below to him..... good or bad idea? If you OH sent you the below would you be mad? I do t want us to break up.. I just want to know why no sex.

Anyway. ... the email

Hey you,

I've decided to email you rather than talk face to face as I don't want us to argue etc... I want to get my feelings out there as this is driving me insane....

Here goes...

I want to know why we don't have sex anymore... we've been in our house over a year and only done it once in that time. .. I've tried many times to initiate it, but you just don't seem to be interested. (That's the way it comes across to me) you may or may not realise but not havingg intamate affection with you makes me feel very insecure within our relationship, it feels like I'm not good enough for you... the rejection is heart breaking... I've shed tears over it,

I'm asking you/begging you for the sake of our relationship to open up and tell me what's going on and try to fix this... if your not happy, then tell me, if its old man medical reason, then lets try fix it, whatever it is lets talk about it... more than anything I want us to be able to be with each other. ...

I know I'm not perfect. .. my body isn't great, I'm trying to change that.... hopefully you'll prefer a thinner me....

... I love you. .. more than anything.... I love our little family so much.... I don't want to lose that... but this is making me so unhappy...... I just don't understand what's happened to us.. we used to have great sex... I want that back... with you.

Please please please don't ignore this and not reply.......

Thoughts lovely guys

OP posts:
Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 22:21

Yeah. . I see that now.... I don't want to hurt him... I think he knows the lack of sex is an issue with me... he just won't talk about it....

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 10/08/2015 22:21

How about, Hi, Im horney ... will be waiting when you get in xxx

Binit · 10/08/2015 22:22

Yes I'd send it partic if he clams up when you try to talk. Some things for you to consider changing...

Where you say this is driving me insane, I'd change it to this is driving me insane and hurting me

Couple of typos to fix having intimate - both words have typos and that sentence is key to the email.

Old man medical reason = medical reason - no old man reference particularly given that you are younger than him.

I'd completely delete the part about your body. I'd say I know I'm not perfect but I'm giving everything I've got to our relationship.

Your=you're in the context of you're not happy

Good luck

pyloricStenosis · 10/08/2015 22:23

Just take out the bit about "I'm begging you"

Seriously

Ypu shouldn't have to beg anyone for affection

Otherwise - I feel your pain OP - send it else you will always be wondering ......

Summerlovinf · 10/08/2015 22:23

I think email is not a good idea. Ask him if he will please talk to you about what's going on re your sex life and let him talk. If he tries to get out of it ask him why he is avoiding the issue and let him know it's serious enough to you that you must hear what he has to say about it

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 22:26

I think I'm going to talk to him.....

He's working away but back on Wednesday. .. I'll talk to him then.... thanks for the advice guys xxx

OP posts:
MirandaGoshawk · 10/08/2015 22:33

Some article in the paper at the weekend suggested that it's best to have this sort of conversation in the car, because you don't have to deal with the eye contact.

However, not sure I could deal with heavy stuff and drive at the same time?

Maybe over dinner? so you have something else to do rather than just sit & stare at each other? Anyway, better to talk than to send the email.

Good luck.

Original poster
TnBiscuits · 10/08/2015 22:36

Least in the car he can't escape me lol....

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/08/2015 23:08

If he is that shallow, that you believe he'll only want to have sex with you when you're thin. He is not the right guy for you.
You lose weight for yourself. Not for anyone else. Get yourself some pride because you deserve it, and go out there and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve, satisfy your needs and desires, and wants to make love with you regardless of your body shape, because I guarantee he's out there somewhere.

stupidotorpedo · 10/08/2015 23:31

I would send the email. As is- it is from the heart.

He will have time to think about his answers, confronting him in the car won't suddenly give you answers if he isn't a big talker.

Oh, and by the way, congratulations on trying to lose weight, at least you won't always be wondering if that was part of the reason.

Good luck! x

lavenderhoney · 11/08/2015 00:06

I certainly wouldn't want to be in car with someone whom I was having a serous convention about the possible end of a relationship.

I see now, as he's away, you want to talk. Well, call him and talk on the phone. Just say what you want to say. You might both find it easier.

Be kind " look, it's awful isn't it? What shall We do? Do you want to fix it or not?" But in a nice way. I have to say your email is very emotional and it's quite hard to pick out any actions or what you want

If he wobbles about, say nicely ( as you will feel better at not losing your temper) ok - look, email me before you get home, we will deal with it. Anything is better than this. I'm not angry -I'll just be sad but it will be ok, because you and I can't live like this"

Any chance he's got someone else?

Norest · 11/08/2015 00:16

The email seems good for the most part...but you seem so overly apologetic for even bringing it up. It is as though you feel you don't have the right to raise this issue with him? It seems like your self-esteem has taken a battering to the point where you are apologising profusely for even asking to talk about this issue, when in reality it is down to both of you, him just as much as you, to discuss and figure out what is happening regarding lack of sex and work on some solutions together.

So I guess for me the email made me feel sad reading it. But I thik you should send it, i hope it opens up some dialogue.

SelfLoathing · 11/08/2015 02:00

The general idea of addressing this calmly and in writing - to give him time to think and respond I think is a good one.

In terms of content:

Totally delete words "old man"

Delete this whole part "I know I'm not perfect. .. my body isn't great, I'm trying to change that.... hopefully you'll prefer a thinner me..." and bin those thoughts. It's diverting the issue.

Email:

Personally, I do it as a handwritten letter not an email. Emails have a nasty way of out lasting their usefullness and are easily forwarded to others in a moment of angriness or drunkeness.

Oh - and don't address it "hey you". I'd find that really irritating but maybe that's just me.

maras2 · 11/08/2015 02:50

You've been posting about the no sex stuff for at least 3 years.Before that it was him being a mardy bastard and financially controlling.Be good to yourself,love and LTB.

RolyPolierThanThou · 11/08/2015 04:48

This could have been written by me about my exh.

It never got resolved and I left him. Not because of the celibacy, but because he never really acknowledged how i felt, wouldn't let me speak, was out all hours, I find evidence of something sexual going on (just not with me) though never proved an affair (condoms in his wallet, though even now, years after I left, he still denies an affair).

The relationship withered and died because of the lack of communication, his neglect, my broken self esteem (I stopped eating and became underweight because I didn't feel I deserved to eat if he wasn't home, add I was unemployed and he was 'keeping me'.

I suspect he got a bit bored of me, then met someone else, then stopped having sex with me so he could legitimately tell ow we never have sex anymore, omitting that it was his choice, but mine.

I stood it for three years, trying to get him to open up and talk to me but to no avail. He refused counselling ("they'll just tell me off") and so I gave up, told him I was leaving, he begged me to stay, I stayed but he still messed me around so then I left for real.

Best thing I did was walk away. I'm a million times happier now. My relationship with my new dh is, frankly, incomparable. So supportive, so caring, good communication.

In my experience, sending that email will make no difference. It made none to my situation. It isn't as though he doesn't know or hasn't noticed the celibacy. He'll continue to dodge. He'll avoid you, if anything.

And it's NOT YOU. Being thinner is not the issue.

stareatthetvscreen · 11/08/2015 05:02

sorry op but i think roliepolie has it spot on

he knows and it won't change

DrSethHazlittMD · 11/08/2015 09:02

I don't understand why anyone stays with a partner who is incapable of talking about any issue within the relationship; whether they simply refuse to discuss or shut it down by turning it into an argument, amounts to the same thing - I'm all right, Jack, and if you don't like it, well, tough, I don't really care.

If you can't communicate, you have nothing, I'm sorry. And if he won't talk to you, why on earth would he open up in couples counselling?

I'd leave. Because the issue is far more than just lack of sexual intimacy.

ShortandSweeter · 11/08/2015 09:39

Defo talk instead- how about a mail instigating a chat, like...

'I would like to talk about our sex life and to see if we can work out how to improve things for both of us. Let's make time tonight'....

sanityforlunch · 11/08/2015 10:02

You can't make someone want sex. I can't see how he will change especially as he has never been up for talking about it.

I read that when there is a disparity between sex drives in a relationship, you should go along with the person who wants the least sex. In your case that's once a year. Can you live like that?

Jan45 · 11/08/2015 10:07

No harm in sending it, but I'd reckon this is your last ditch attempt at getting him to communicate, if he doesn't want a sexual relationship with you and you do then you might have to move on from him, I don't see him changing either tbh so it's either accept what you have (I wouldn't), or move on, life is far too short to waste it.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/08/2015 10:15

I think if you send the email he will tell you that he 'can't discuss it when you get so over-emotional'.
Because for whatever reason, he doesn't want to have sex with you and isn't bothered by the fact that this upsets you. The relationship suits him the way it is. you might want to think about why - do you do all/most of the domestic work? Is he better off financially because you share a home? if he is comfortable and getting his needs met he will regard your distress along the lines of that funny noise a domestic appliance sometimes make, which can be tuned out easily enough.

Ragwort · 11/08/2015 10:16

What was your sex life like before? Was it always great?

I guess my DH probably feels like you and could send me the same email Sad. I would happily be celibate, we rarely have sex - I don't have any 'need' for sex at all. I know it is a sadness for my DH but no one can make themselves enjoy sex. Some people just have a very low or non existant sex drive.

I don't know what the answer is if you have totally incompatible sex drives. You have to decide what is more important - what is the rest of your relationship like?

mix56 · 11/08/2015 10:31

Is it possible he has an OW ?

pocketsaviour · 11/08/2015 10:33

When someone in a relationship refuses to talk about an important issue, I tend to default into "HR Disciplinary" mode.

"OK, if you won't answer my questions or discuss the matter, I will have to make decisions about our future based only on the information I have and my assumptions about the issue. At the moment my assumptions are that [you don't want this relationship/you are asexual/you are a massive douchebag]. Would you like to comment on that?"

pinkyredrose · 11/08/2015 10:36

Do you think he could be Gay?

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