OpheliaRose - Update

[OpheliaRose]

I thought starting a new thread would just be easier than tracking down my old one.

Thank you everyone that PM'd me or left kind messages on my old threads. Your support has really helped get me through these very dark times. I decided to take a step back for a while mainly die to the fact i just couldn't handle my emotions and the situation that was playing out in my life. Although my threads were a massive source of support I was in a bad place near the end and found it very hard to talk on the board after a few posters suggested I was a troll.

I have been back at work just over a month now. Its not been easy, mainly because i'm in an office full of people who signed my wedding card, my new baby card, have been to parties, dinners and days out with me and my ExH so having to walk in there and face them on a daily basis was terrifying at first. Everyone was lovely to me but i kept feeling like they were thinking "wow poor Phee what a situation" I no longer have the photos on my desk of ExH and My wedding day t just one of me and the twins but i just felt like there were people who remembered the "shrine" my desk was previously to my exH, Twins and my perfect life/marriage.

I've found my confidence was totally knocked by what ExH did, its made it difficult for me to be social at work because I still have this feeling i'm not good enough otherwise why would he have left me for OW. Saying that the people i'd worked with previously have all been very lovely, welcoming me back and making sure i still feel included in office chats and coffee. There are lots of new people as well who didn't work here when i did previously, one girl in particular has been lovely to me. She sits a desk over from me and admitted she'd heard the gossip about what had happen to me but made a huge effort to come chat with me, help me with new parts of the job I didn't know much about and sits with me to have lunch at my desk when I don't feel like putting on a brave face. She's suggest we go shopping and have a girl take away night one weekend when ExH has the kids so thats been really nice for me to build a new friendship.

I think i'm slowly getting there with work, its just trying to work past all these feelings of shame and humiliation over what exH did to me.

ExH is still with OW, I think part of me hoped he would realise what he'd lost by leaving our beautiful family or maybe she would get bored once she's "trapped" her married man but I don't think that's the case now. He's still making plans to move in with her properly once our divorce is all sorted. We're still not 100% agreed on what this means for the twins since i was very clear at mediation I didn't want them meeting OW this soon and ideally not until after Christmas but I think he intends to try and live with her a lot sooner so i'm starting to prepare myself for the worst. I cant decide if it would be worse for Daddy to suddenly with living with some one else and met her that way or for them to meet her prior to that. I don't know if its a good or a bad thing but he told me about the moving in plans "in an effort to be honest not to hurt me" so i'm prepared for what he does. I was pretty angry and upset that day wanting to know lots of things about their affair why he chose her over me. He kept telling me he'd told me it all before and there was no point rehashing it all because all it would do was hurt me all over again and he didn't think i needed that right now. In a way he was right, not that i think he was really thinking about me more that he didn't want to have to deal with my my rage, anger, crying and begging.

I asked him outright if he was planning on living with OW did that mean he planned to marry her or have more children. He said he wasn't going to lie to me, although he had no plans to do either of those things right this second yes he was hoping to have a proper future with the OW.

I've completely blocked him on Facebook now it was just too painful. His profile picture is him with the twins. its a lovely picture they look so happy and like they were having a great time but it hurt so badly because now his family life with the twins is completely separate from me, I hated seeing them so happy knowing it was without me. I find myself missing him when me and the twins do things. I don't mean to but i find my mind wandering thinking if exh could see us now he'd know what he was missing or wouldn't this be perfect if exH was here but i'm not an idiot i know those thoughts are not crossing his mind. His cover photo is also a picture of him,ow and her son looking like a happy smiley family. I saw it and it broke me for a few days. I sent the kids to my mums and spent 2 days in bed crying over it. I know he's not worth my tears or heartbreak seeing it caused me but the place i was in at the time I just couldn't handle it. After two days in bed crying and feeling like my world had ended I got up blocked him on facebook and decided I would try to start rebuilding my life.

Thank you again for all the support you've all given me

Oh you poor love. I am not great at the advice, just wanted you to know that I do not believe you are a troll. And I am rooting for you. This too shall pass.

I didn't read your last thread, it sounds like you are getting there slowly. It sounds like he really put you through the ringer.

Oh Phee, so so sorry you're going through this.

Be kind to yourself, take one day at a time it will stop hurting.

Do things to make yourself happy and erase ex from your life.

My moment of feeling liberated was buying whole new insanely expensive Egyptian cotton bedding. And doing things ex hated and wouldn't let me, ate take always, went out with girlfriends, bought clothes he hated me wearing cut and had my hair dyed the way I wanted and he wouldn't let me. Was v liberating.

It will get better I promise you. Eight years after shifting ex from my life I have a gorgeous do and I'm so happy ex is not in my life, ow is welcome to him.

I think your update proves how hard it is to go through it. I read your previous threads and it's so awful what you've been through.

I know you're not at the end yet but I promise it will get better in a couple of years.

I still think divorce was the worst thing to go through (for me). I found it horribly painful and it really changed me.

I'm so happy now, my next husband was about 100 times better than the last one

Just keep on keeping on ...

I have often thought of you and the twins and how you are getting on. Glad to see you posting again but understand why you had to come away from your last thread.

I have no advice and am sure other posters can and will say it much better than me- but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wish you all the very best.

This is a transitional period for you but you will come out the other side of it stronger, happier and at peace knowing you have always acted with dignity and the courage to have put the twins first no matter how you have felt- but for now you have to bear with the emotional roller coaster and let time do it's thing and let you heal. Take it slow and be kind to yourself x

I'm sure that I'd feel exactly the same if this happened to me.You've coped so well and are a great role model for your twins.He on the other hand has no morals and deserves all the shit life can throw at him.Keep your head up high,Phee you have nothing to be ashamed of.God bless you and yours.MX.

That's so strange. I was just thinking about you tonight as I've been off MN for a bit (moving house, and then holiday) and decided to do a search to see how you are. And here is your update! You're back at work. Wow, that's really amazing. You're slowly working towards that future and happiness. You deserve it, and you will have it.

I don't expect exH's relationship with OW to fizzle out so quickly, but I really wouldn't give it 'forever'. My friend has just gone through this. I don't know how to comfort her really. I've known her for 16 years and always admired her marriage. Her dh has been having affairs for 6 years and she just found out when he left her for the most recent one. They went on an anniversary weekend not that long ago (20th), and to think he was with someone else at the same time is so shocking for all of us, let alone her. Her kids are teens, but they are totally devastated at the deceit. She is absolutely gorgeous, beautiful inside and out. I told dh that if it could happen to her, then we are all in trouble. It's really not about her though - he's just so weak, as are many, many men. I think once you choose to cave into that weakness, it's a lot harder to stop it the next time.

Good luck with the next stage of your life...it must be really hard to stay positive, but I hope you can see all the good things too. Sounds like you are with work and the new friend. Even with Exh, I hope you will soon be able to see the advantage of not being with him, even if it's only occasionally. Lots of love...

Hi Phee,

Its very good to hear from you again. I know a lot of posters on this site were genuinely worried about you. Sometimes your honestly is overwhelming.
You were right to take a break. Being back at work will help you focus on other things and will give you strength to move forward.
Give yourself plenty of time. Take all the support your family and friends offer you. People can be very kind.
Everything will be fine, just keep believing in your own strength and the love you have for your two DC will get you there.
All the Best.

I think of you often Phee. The pain you've gone through is palpable and I've found myself close to tears at what that selfish twat and immoral bitch (I'm really not normally so verbally aggressive!) have put you through.

Your time will come and you'll be happy again. But your happiness will be an honest, loving full of integrity happiness. Unlike their seedy and deceitful happiness. No less than you deserve. Sending you ((((((()))))

I'm so glad you have come back Phee I have thought about you often and hoped you were doing ok.

I totally get your nervousness about your job, you are doing great though and your colleague sounds lovely. Have found being back at work helpful at all?

Your exh is yes a pig, selfish and just horrible but of course you can't help feeling you should all be a family. Your whole world was turned upside down only recently. I can say to you though, you are amazing! You put your dc first, you always have their best interests at heart.
However I wouldn't allow the meeting between them and wank fodder before Christmas, it isn't right for children so young and if you ex and OW are serious about their relationship () it won't matter how long until your dc meet her.

Take care and know Mn are always here for you x

Phee

It's so nice to hear from you, I'm sorry things have been so tough, you just don't deserve this

It takes a lot of strength to get up every day and face this xx

I've not seen your other threads.

I can tell you one thing that I know to be absolutely true though. The OW will not have any peace of mind because if he cheated on you he will cheat on her.

Phee

So sorry you are going through this. The fact that a relative stranger i.e. your new work colleague can be kinder to you than your H isays so much about him and what a nasty man he really is. You are worth so much more than him.

Phee. I posted on all your threads but have NCed too since then.

I'm glad work is going well, your colleagues sound lovely, but of course it's hard for you. Have you thought about having some counselling. You still sound so beaten down by it all and I really think a good counsellor might help you to see that his actions are a reflection of him and his poor morals, they're not a reflection of you not being good enough.

You say you feel humiliation and shame, but you know this can happen to anyone, it is nothing to be humilated about and it is certainly not your fault. It takes a weak character to opt to cheat on a loving spouse rather than confess to any doubts or troubles in the relationship, then walk out on her and the DCs.

Glad your colleagues are good people to work with and the new one in particular has been so friendly.

I'm so glad you posted again Phee. I'd followed and commented a few times on your threads and I had thought about you often.
It's great that you've returned to work & even made a new friend, I'm glad you have someone to support you at work- I can imagine it was so daunting so well done you for going back.
I can imagine things are still so raw, of course they will be but you've made it this far, you can do this Phee.
Stay strong

Thank you for all your positive comments. It's been really good to post again as I find it helpful to have a place to talk about it all.

I've been looking into a private counsellor as waiting for an NHS referral is likely to take a long time. Im quite nervous about it. It sounds stupid because I've obviously spilled my whole sorry story in here but the idea of sitting in a room with a stranger telling them all about it is very daunting!

Twins birthday is next month and I'm not sure what to do. Exh thinks we should havens party as normal but i don't want him there! I was planning to have a party either at my house or hire somewhere and invite family friends and also come children from their childminders but i don't think he should get to join in on that. He said it's unfair him and his family are exclude I did point out he could have a party for him and his family but he said that it shouldn't be like that! As usual saint OW was used as an example apparently her and her ex throw parties for their son where they both go!

I tried To keep my cool and through gritted teeth pointed out I wasn't interested in how she handled her custody arrangements and their situation was very different. I tried to make it very clear there will never be a situation when exh me ow play happy family's at our twins birthdays!

ARGHHHHHH. He makes me SO mad!!! My bloody is boiling for you!!

Please stick to your guns. Have your own party and let him organise another one.

Phee,

I'm glad that you have updated as I did wonder how you were.

Please don't feel daunted by the counselling. I have just started CBT myself and so far, I have found it to really help me. My best fiends sister also had it after a traumatic break up and it has done wonders for her. Is this therapy something you could look into/do (It is a talking therapy but you could do an online course in it too, which you may find better)?

Again, please don't feel pressurised by him. If you want to have separate parties at the moment, then he will have to respect that. Remember he is not the boss of you.

Good for you putting your foot Down Re the party, sounds like he's as much of an arse as ever mentioning what ow does.

never read any of your other posts but you sound like such a brave, strong, nice, kind woman… what some men (and the OW involved in this) do is beyond me….

keep strong and I am so glad everyone at your work is so kind and supportive that is lovely re your new colleague.

and tell your ex-DH no he organise his own bloody party for the twins. he lost rights to that sort of family event (along with his family) when he left you.

stay strong. you will survive all this, and be happy in the future.

He's got a bloody nerve even mentioning the word "unfair" in any conversation with you, unless it's to acknowledge his own appallingly unfair actions.

Whingeing git. If he doesn't like the fallout from his having left you, then tough titties.

As I recall your twins are goiing to be 3? I would have downplayed the whole party thing when speaking to him and just infer you'll spend a nice day with them and have a few family members round to blow out the candles on their cake at tea time. It is really soon to pretend everything is hunky dory and rather confusing for your LOs if Daddy turns up, with or without gf, joins in and clears off again.

Honestly it is up to you whether you include relations, friends and the DCs' playmates in a celebration in your time. Equally if he wants to throw a party, (and no doubt portray himself as Daddy of the year to you-know-who and her DS), when having the twins, that's up to him.