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Original poster

I'm in a tangled web, can't undo - partner 'loves' someone else

90 replies

LaDouleurExquise · 09/08/2015 14:34

This seems so complicated in my head, forgive me if its hard to understand but that might be due to my depression and the length of time I've been in this situation. So much has happened.

Been with my partner nearly 14 years, our DS is 12. As it stands right now dp has feelings for a singer, she's fairly well known. My whole situation is so bizarre and hard to explain I'm in a mess in my brain Confused

He doesn't work because he's a musician and focuses everything on that, he isn't a horrible person though believe it or not. Or I've been brainwashed, perfectly willing to accept that. I also have Stockholm syndrome quite possibly.

Not even sure if anyone can help me, I'm not doing too well am I as far as posting coherently goes! Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 09/08/2015 15:50

Why should you leave when you pay the rent and bills? No, you need to take a deep breath and tell hime to leave. And mean it. He can go and stay with some of the relations who are so charmed by his amusing ways.

I simply cannot see how you can begin to recover from your illness whilst living with a man child who is so careless of your fragile feelings that he declares love for a pop star. Honestly,when you feel better you will be able to raise a sardonic smile for just how ludicrous he sounds.

Time to look after yourself and lose the deadwood. Not to mention giving your dc an idea that actually, mooning around all day and night strumming your guitar, smoking weed and declaring love for another isn't, in fact, an ok way to act around your family.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 09/08/2015 15:51

Could you afford the rent on your own with housing benefit if he left? Where he goes is not your problem!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/08/2015 15:52

"I guess all these things work fine when you're 21 and childless. He hasn't adjusted his lifestyle to meet the demands of family life."

That's because he hasn't needed to because you've always indulged him and brought home the bacon. Now that you're not able to work I suspect there are major changes ahead. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if he jumps ship and finds another mug to house, feed and supply his dope for him. That type always do, believe me.

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 15:52

There are other places to post which are a bit more private, La - I'm sure someone will PM you with the details.

RJnomore · 09/08/2015 15:53

I hope you see this before its deleted. You're right it's fine when you are 21 and childless: almost everyone I dated before my dh was like this. We had fun and by and large they were lovely creative gentle men (boys?) but I cannot imagine living with them running a house paying bills raising children.

I don't even think your dh sounds like a nice lovely gentle man from what you write. Think about what's the best thing for you and what you want your son to think a man should be.

Original poster
LaDouleurExquise · 09/08/2015 15:57

To answer the trust fund question - no, BUT - hes always had an entitled view of things. Had everything done for him as a child and teen, no obligation to contribute, allowances for any behaviour. Lots of support for his attitude to work since leaving home.

I could manage fine without him yes, its just ds :( he hated when his dad left before and wasn't the same. He understood why though, hes very insightful for 12.

I know, my health issues are just getting worse :( I'm very low.

Thanks cozie yes am now paranoid I've said too much!

OP posts:
Original poster
LaDouleurExquise · 09/08/2015 15:58

Thank you RJ, that makes lots of sense. I've enabled him to keep on living like a teenager.

OP posts:
mummytime · 09/08/2015 16:05

I have a friend who is a musician. He's a nice guy, but doesn't really earn enough that you'd want to start a family with him.

He does earn enough to keep himself, regular gigs, some Church work and some teaching.
Your DP should be bringing some money in, otherwise he isn't even a reasonable musician. Or does he just smoke/drink what he earns?

Your son probably worries about his Dad when he's left, as after all he isn't able to cope on his own. But that isn't your problem, let his own family look after him if they think he is so great.

Please look after yourself and your son, and with the money you can save without DP, maybe save for treats for both of you, and both your futures.

RJnomore · 09/08/2015 16:09

He needs to take most of the responsibility for it pet. You didn't make him anything. He chose to be.

goddessofsmallthings · 09/08/2015 16:32

It seems that in emotionally abusing you for years, he ground you down and destroyed your confidence and now he's engaging in another form of emotional abuse where his lust for infatuation with other women makes you feel you can never gain his love/be his ideal woman.

In saying you've been signed off for depression. does this mean you're getting sick pay and have a job to return to?

If he's not been sharing the load with regard to rent and other outgoings, what makes you think you can't afford to stay where you are if you boot him out?

If you were to be evicted for not paying the rent, your local authority would have statutory duty to house you and your ds.

It's understandable that your ds will miss his df being around but, from what you've said, it seems he has sufficient insight to understand that it's in his dm's best interests that his dps live apart.

I hope you haven't asked for this thread to be deleted and, if you have, I suggest you report it again and ask for it to be moved to the other place.

Original poster
LaDouleurExquise · 09/08/2015 16:38

I will PM you goddess.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 09/08/2015 16:44

I'm going straight in with a LTB. I don't normally because it's always very difficult to do, however, in this case I think you'll discover you've actually had 2 entirely dependant children these last 12 years. One is probably very capable and a lot more self-sufficient than you give him credit for, and will come on leaps and bounds once you get rid of the other No Hoper who has been holding you back and isn't even fucking grateful.

Twinklestein · 09/08/2015 18:03

its too hard for him to get a job anyway due to his personality

It's great that his parents have this attitude, he can move in with them and they can support him.

springydaffs · 10/08/2015 00:25

Op. What you describe is codependency. You say you are an extreme people-pleaser - this is how codependents are. Your relationship with this truly awful man (despite how 'charming' he can be Hmm ) is classic codependency - though I would have to say of a very severe kind.

Read Melodie Beattie 'Codependent no more' (in fact read any of her books); go to CODA (can't link but do look it up and find a group near you).

Codependence is a serious problem/addiction/disease and you have to get going on some serious tactics to combat it. But you are currently not well - so, read the book/s, go to CODA, get going on your recovery. You can do it.

Somewhere along the line do the Freedom Programme. Contact Women's Aid, get them on board, use all the support they offer.

Above all, get away from this life sucker. He has sucked the life clean out of you (he and his absurd family). Your codependency has kept you glued to him. You can't do anything about this leech but you can do something about yourself.

Op, if you can't do it for you, PLEASE do it for your boy. He has already lived with this appalling situation for 12 years - please, no more. If he 'adores' this dreadful man he can see him, visit him, but he doesn't have to live with him and see this terrible relationship for another day if at all possible.

You can do this op.

Original poster
LaDouleurExquise · 10/08/2015 00:42

I don't know if they're going to delete this thread so may as well go with it as its actually helping me.
Thank you all who have replied.

Aye - he is very much like a child. This might make it sound like he's even less likeable but it hasn't worked that way for me. Its made me more compassionate towards him, and this is compounded by his family treating him so nicely and not giving a shit that he won't can't work and saying that any times he's been horrible to me are because I've brought it out of him and that he was happier before he met me.

Twinklestein they've said he can move back so that's not a problem, its that he doesn't want to. He says he wants to be together and be a family, all I have to do is accept him but I then get very confused by his actions.

springy thanks for your helpful detailed response - I've wondered if its co-dependence many times. How on earth do I break free from it when a significant part of me doesn't want to and my gut instinct tells me to leave at the same time as telling me its not that bad and that we could be happy if I could get over my depression? Rhetorical btw, I know no one has the answer!

I care so so deeply for my son, he truly is everything to me. Part of why I stay is because when we've split up previously ds spent weekends with his dad and I hated being away from him. I like to see him every day and it hurts me not being able to Sad is that selfish though?

I will research the author you mentioned, thank you for pointing me in a direction that might help me unravel all of this, and I'll go back to Women's Aid as I did see them before.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 10/08/2015 00:50

Is this the site you meant, springy ?

Fallandfly · 10/08/2015 03:30

Feeling sorry for him won't help either of you. He doesn't sound like he wants to change and why should he? His life is easy. the fact that you recognise what's happening is good and a place to move on from. It is hard when you don't have your children all the time but it does get easier. Also think of the example his father is setting him. One of my biggest fears was that my sons would turn out like their dad if the relationship continued and they would think it was a normal way to act. You deserve betterFlowers

firesidechat · 10/08/2015 07:49

Let's knock this musician thing on the head once and for all. He is what, at least mid 30's and has never eared a penny from his musical ability in all those years. I don't know what he plays, but he would have made it by now if he was ever going to. He does not have potential, that much is clear.

Most musicians I know who can't make a decent living from that alone also work at least part time doing other things.

I know a self taught musician in his late 20's who has been in a band for a number of years. A couple of years ago the band members gave themselves a timescale in which to make it work. They have now been signed to 2 major labels, played at all the big name festivals this year and an album is due out soon. They are now earning enough to pay their own way without extra jobs.

As far as I can see you have a lazy freeloader with a slim grip on reality. Not attractive.

springlamb · 10/08/2015 08:07

"All I have to do is accept him"

But that means totally compromising your own life and your ds's. Living with these silly infatuations, never knowing security, putting up with the emotional abuse, seeing your ds's life values eroded as he observes this man child living in his own little dreamworld bubble. 12 years is long enough.

He sounds like DH's best mate who is now in his early 50s, still dropping everything at the prospect of a gig, living in a damp smelly bedsit 'until he makes it', turning up at other people's houses and expecting to 'jam' till all hours, dressing like a teenager and trying to hide his grey hairs, smoking skunk till he's so out of it he can convince himself he's still got it. He was like this at 17 when I met him and I think he will end up a lonely old man in his little dreamworld bubble.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2015 08:12

"He says money isn't important to him"

I bet it would be if he had to pay his own bills. And tbh he does sound "totally horrible" to me. Entitled, lazy arsehole

springydaffs · 10/08/2015 08:58

How on earth do I break free from it when a significant part of me doesn't want to and my gut instinct tells me to leave at the same time as telling me its not that bad and that we could be happy if I could get over my depression? Rhetorical btw, I know no one has the answer!

There is an answer: go to CODA. Read the books. Read the CODA blurb, work your recovery. Meet other codependents.

I'm sorry to say it but you are codependent with your boy. Codependence may look benign but it is the silent killer. Do all the above for your boy if you can't, won't, do it for yourself.

springydaffs · 10/08/2015 09:05

Thanks for the link, cozie.

READ it op. You can do this. You have to do this, for your boy if not for yourself. Go to it lovely.

Twinklestein · 10/08/2015 11:40

Who cares if he says he wants to be together? He doesn't want to behave as an adult in an adult relationship, so he needs to go back to his parents.

I don't know why you're confused, it's very simple: he's a cocklodging fantasist and you need to get rid of him.

tribpot · 10/08/2015 11:49

we could be happy if I could get over my depression

Really? You could be happy supporting this freeloader with the emotional maturity of a pre-teen? He doesn't 'love someone else' as your title suggests, he has a crush on a celebrity. This is the stuff stalkers are made of. He is completely inadequate, as a father, partner, hell just as an adult. He's been mollycoddled his entire life, most recently at the expense of you and your mental health.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/08/2015 12:16

This man is a parasite. He is ruining your life and your health, and he will be having an equally harmful effect on your DS. Put him out of the house, get a court order to keep him away if necessary and cut off all financial support to him.