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Original poster

I'm in a tangled web, can't undo - partner 'loves' someone else

90 replies

LaDouleurExquise · 09/08/2015 14:34

This seems so complicated in my head, forgive me if its hard to understand but that might be due to my depression and the length of time I've been in this situation. So much has happened.

Been with my partner nearly 14 years, our DS is 12. As it stands right now dp has feelings for a singer, she's fairly well known. My whole situation is so bizarre and hard to explain I'm in a mess in my brain Confused

He doesn't work because he's a musician and focuses everything on that, he isn't a horrible person though believe it or not. Or I've been brainwashed, perfectly willing to accept that. I also have Stockholm syndrome quite possibly.

Not even sure if anyone can help me, I'm not doing too well am I as far as posting coherently goes! Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 09/08/2015 15:00

From your additonal posts I'd be sorely tempted to write a letter to the woman in question begging her to take him off my hands - and make damn sure that everyone knew about it as laughter is good for the soul and a sure cure for all forms of douleur.

Original poster
LaDouleurExquise · 09/08/2015 15:02

pocketsaviour - oh gosh no, never. He realises how it sounds and I think he doesn't like feeling like it himself. No he says he doesn't think he'll ever 'be' with her, she 'just' means a lot to him and he think a lot of her.

goddessofsmallthings - both of us are I guess. Neither of us fulfilled and both want something unobtainable and are in pain.

Muddlewitch - hes had a few jobs over the years but not since ds was born, and yes he is a dreamer really. But to talk to him, he is so polite and has an 'innocence' about him, like a child. Hence me feeling guilty.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 15:03

...but let myself be persuaded to come back...

What arguments did he use to persuade you?

pocketsaviour · 09/08/2015 15:04

He says money isn't important to him just the love of what he's doing.

Whilst leaving you to pay the bills? Nice.

Do you own your property, or rent? Is it in your name, or both?

pocketsaviour · 09/08/2015 15:05

X-post - he's never worked since your child was born? So your DS is learning that it's okay to sit on your arse and not bother getting a job because someone else will pick up the tab...

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 15:07

That would be for 12 years, Pocket. 12 years.

Original poster
LaDouleurExquise · 09/08/2015 15:07

goddess I like the rest of your advice, I am pretty much doing part of what you mentioned, I leave the room if he puts her on in the day, I act bored if he talks about her, I don't sleep in our bed much but have to occasionally to save my back!

cozie - he manipulated me emotionally. Well he did used to be quite E.abusive (sorry for drip feeding). He's not anymore, but he used to call me names, tell me I'm a bad mother..

My ds doesn't know about the singer, but he's seen my exassperation (sp) over the years so knows things aren't perfect.

OP posts:
RJnomore · 09/08/2015 15:08

Of course the money isn't important to him - he's got you to keep him! Take this from someone who worked in the industry - and earned almost a living at it - if he's not managed to even get paid work in 14 years then it's not happening. Ever. You are both deluded. There's a ton of very talented musicians out there who do it as a hobby or an additional job as they can't earn enough but they realise that.

As for his stupid little crush - how pathetic! Don't get me wrong I've got a bit of a thing for channing Tatum but it's just that, a bit of a thing, not N obsession because 1- I don't know him 2-I have a marriage which I prefer to focus me energy on and 3- I'm not 14.

Does he smoke weed?

Ivegottoknow · 09/08/2015 15:09

Yes he acts like a child because he is living like one.

Not having to work for a living for 12 years, you looking after him, no responsibilities, just playing music and schoolboy crushes.

I couldn't live like that.

Do you want him to leave? I am not sure why you are 'stuck.'

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 15:10

So you feel sorry for him? Is that what it boils down to?

goddessofsmallthings · 09/08/2015 15:12

I got him to leave last year but he decided to come back

He decided? Didn't you have any say in the matter?

You've got a cocklodging dickhead manchild who'll never make any money from his music on your hands. If you want to stand any chance of enjoying life, get him to leave again - and this time round make it clear to him that he's not coming back.

Why are you giving him house room?

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 15:13

What is your financial situation re job, house etc, La ? Is he a trust fund baby by any chance?

Original poster
LaDouleurExquise · 09/08/2015 15:15

It's privately rented, and I've got no savings so feel I'd struggle to get somewhere else as nice as where we are now. I realise that I am half the problem here, its a horrible feeling. What confuses me is his ENTIRE family are in support of him, they think I am a drama queen, 'mentally ill', they find him amusing as he's able to charm them and make them laugh and impress them with his musical skills. They also think I'm overreacting about my depression and think I may be using it to 'get at him'.

Yes he does smoke it RJ.

I do feel sorry for him yes, its pathetic I know. I am a people pleaser, an extreme one and put others before myself.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/08/2015 15:19

He will never make any money as a musician. He's a lazy, self indulgent, deluded lump, spending his nights mooning over his fantasy crush while doing precisely nothing to facilitate the upkeep of his own child.

Get rid of him ffs. He's a total loser.

RJnomore · 09/08/2015 15:23

I just knew it. I know a hundred of him sadly. He's never going to achieve anything unfortunately. It doesn't make him a bad bloke but it does make him a terrible partner and a pretty rotten father.

It's up to you how much you put up with but seriously, what are you getting out of being with him? No emotional support, no financial support, not even sex? Don't you deserve better? Hasn't he had enough chances to pull his finger out and be a man?

Wristy · 09/08/2015 15:25

It's no wonder he doesn't want you to mention it to anyone. People would simply respond with WTF, are you a 10 year old girl? (No offence meant to 10 year old girls, who, given their lack of life experience are well within their rights to moon over singers)

He on the other hand needs to grow the chuff up!

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 15:26

...I realise that I am half the problem here...

Actually, you're not - or rather you're only as much part of the problem as you let yourself be. He's been sponging off you for 12-14 years, playing on your 'sympathy' for him. I wouldn't tolerate it, if only for the sake of your son.

Who stumps up the money for his weed? You?

I'd stop all his funds directly and see what his reaction was - that would tell you much about where you stand in the grand scheme of his life.

goddessofsmallthings · 09/08/2015 15:30

It's great that his ENTIRE family are in support of him as there'll be no shortage of volunteers to take him in and keep him in the style to which he's become accustomed while living with you.

Give it a few months and I very much doubt that they will find him as entertaining and amusing as they appear to do now.

The reason why they think you're a drama queen, mentally ill, etc, is because that's what he's been telling them, which indicates that there's a distinctly uncaring and unpleasant character lurking beneath his 'charming' exterior.

Why on earth would you feel sorry for a man who's living the life of Riley doing exactly he wants to do while others pick up the tab?

pictish · 09/08/2015 15:31

Agreed Goddess - with everything you just said there.

Twinklestein · 09/08/2015 15:35

'He doesn't work because he's a musician' is a non-sequitur. There's no reason he can't work as a musician if he's any good. If he's not working he's not a professional musician, it's a hobby.

If you're in a private rental but he has no income, I assume you're paying for it yourself? If so, why would you have to move if you split up. Unless he's on HB?

Ivegottoknow · 09/08/2015 15:36

Are his family aware that his charm and musical skills have not brought any money into the family home for 12 years? What do they think your son lives on?

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 15:43

They probably won't care, I've, as long as they don't have to stump up for him now.

He's an abuser, OP. He may have stopped the actual name-calling a few years back but he's just moved on to his version of playing nice. (Presenting you with his current 'great love' while accepting your cheques.) I'd have him out of the door tomorrow.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/08/2015 15:44

I know quite a few professional musicians, and one UK band in particular who have recently released their SEVENTH album. Every single one of them has a full-time job. They take their paid holiday to tour the US and elsewhere. You know why they work full-time? Because they all have partners and children to support.

Your dope-smoking charmer will never amount to anything. He's a first-class bloody cocklodger.

I have a feeling that your mental health would improve dramatically once you've kicked him to the kerb.

This adolescent fascination for the singer is a complete red herring.

Original poster
LaDouleurExquise · 09/08/2015 15:47

No, I'm not getting much out of this at all :( I don't know what's stopping me - I think the fact that he isn't TOTALLY horrible in every way. He will do some housework/childcare while I get to have the odd night out, he's very easy going, I guess because he knows I've put up with a lot. He leaves me to it most of the time, I like my own space and he's fine with that. He's never cheated (I believe) and always maintains he'd end the relationship before doing anything with anyone else. He can be very interesting to talk to. I guess all these things work fine when you're 21 and childless. He hasn't adjusted his lifestyle to meet the demands of family life.

I don't think he talks to his family much about me, unfortunately they've come to the conclusions they have of me due to hearing me at the end of my rope, or me phoning and begging them to help me. Then when they speak to him he says nothings wrong and I'm 'not very well again.' I'm then down as the screaming banshee and due to having actual mental health issues they make a great scapegoat.

They know all about him not working and don't care, they say its his choice and its too hard for him to get a job anyway due to his personality.

We have some housing benefit due to my low wage, he'd never be able to find anywhere to live unless they took HB.

I feel I've made a stupid mistake posting in case someone I know sees it, going to ask for it to be deleted but I'm so grateful for all the replies, honestly its helped loads Flowers

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 15:49

I'm not sure that it's a 'red herring', Bitter as much as an indication that he's living in a fantasy world of his own making, likely fuelled partly by some weed. This is the third one after all.