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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

I'm in a tangled web, can't undo - partner 'loves' someone else

90 replies

LaDouleurExquise · 09/08/2015 14:34

This seems so complicated in my head, forgive me if its hard to understand but that might be due to my depression and the length of time I've been in this situation. So much has happened.

Been with my partner nearly 14 years, our DS is 12. As it stands right now dp has feelings for a singer, she's fairly well known. My whole situation is so bizarre and hard to explain I'm in a mess in my brain

He doesn't work because he's a musician and focuses everything on that, he isn't a horrible person though believe it or not. Or I've been brainwashed, perfectly willing to accept that. I also have Stockholm syndrome quite possibly.

Not even sure if anyone can help me, I'm not doing too well am I as far as posting coherently goes! Thanks for reading.

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springlamb · 10/08/2015 12:26

You've waited around long enough. There isn't going to be an emotional BRITS acceptance speech when he tells the world that he 'couldn't have done any of it if it wasn't for my beloved La'. It ain't gonna happen. All that's waiting is a bitter weird old man telling you that you were always a millstone round his neck holding him back from fulfilling his potential. Dream on, mister!
Make your own little life for you and your ds and send Him off to live in a bedsit and indulge in his fantasies.

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tethersend · 10/08/2015 12:34

"I care so so deeply for my son, he truly is everything to me. Part of why I stay is because when we've split up previously ds spent weekends with his dad and I hated being away from him. I like to see him every day and it hurts me not being able to sad is that selfish though? "

Not selfish, no. But you do need to consider what will happen when your DS leaves home in a few years, either to go to university or to work. You won't see him for long periods- will you really be ok with just you and your partner? It could be that you rely on seeing your son every day because he is giving you what your partner is not- love.

Leaving now would allow you to either meet someone who loves you- your current partner absolutely does not love you- or to be happy on your own.

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LaDouleurExquise · 10/08/2015 12:35

I've found my local CODA group, they're monthly but better not say when as that could out me by looking at dates and times by location.

I'm 100% going to the next one and going to ask my older sister to come with me. I've already enquired with the lady who runs it.

I completely understand why people reading this are baffled as to why I'm still here, wasting my life being unhappy. If you don't know of trauma bonding, please, google it. I am fairly certain this is what I'm dealing with. Please don't think I'm an idiot, I already have a negative view of who I am - I'm well aware of what a dysfunctional relationship I'm in, and that's part of the problem. - the contradiction.
Just please know I'm at least self aware and very conscientious about my ds and his well being, he is the reason I keep going and I'll fight to make sure he's happy.

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cozietoesie · 10/08/2015 12:58

Well done. That will be a good step for you.

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shovetheholly · 10/08/2015 13:27

You sound like you're trying to parent your partner, who is behaving like the worst kind of childish, infatuated teenager.

I just can't see how this is in any way an equal or fulfilling relationship for you, and I think you need to ask yourself why you are putting up with it. I don't mean that in a harsh way, I just mean that sometimes this kind of dynamic gets set up where one person is very giving or people-pleasing, and they get taken advantage of by the other without really realising it at first. Are you the kind of person who has a real need to be needed?

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BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2015 15:23

Nobody is saying you're an idiot. And many many of us know how hard it is to leave a relationship, no matter what the dynamic is.

Well done on taking a first step

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Twinklestein · 10/08/2015 15:29

I know exactly what trauma bonds are, but I don't really see evidence of trauma. Perhaps you've not included examples...

It seems more a codependent/addiction type relationship.

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SolidGoldBrass · 10/08/2015 15:51

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but have you had previous abusive relationships? Sometimes a woman who has been subjected to physical violence by a partner will move on to another abusive man (and this parasitic lazy greedy tosspot is abusive) but not realise what's going on as the new man doesn't hit her so therefore he must be 'nice'.

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springydaffs · 10/08/2015 18:04

If you're an idiot then so am I. Codependent here.

It's usual to feel a sense of shame when an addiction comes to light - but push on through, it'll pass. It's just good to get to the nub of the problem and to learn tactics to address it. Well done on getting to CODA - it'll be a revelation, you'll meet lovely people just like us - we've all been in a terrible mess bcs of codependent relationships.

Nobody's judging you here (or if they are they are treats). People don't become codependent for no reason xx

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springydaffs · 10/08/2015 18:05

*twats

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sanityforlunch · 10/08/2015 18:11

I was also going to say like a pp that you need to start preparing yourself for your son gradually becoming more independent/going out on weekends anyway. So while you know you will miss him if he visits his father, the time is not far away when he will be doing his own thing.

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LaDouleurExquise · 10/08/2015 23:10

Thank you for the replies, I'm very down tonight but wanted to say thanks and that I'll write a proper reply in the morning

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cozietoesie · 10/08/2015 23:55

Any specific reason why you're down, La ? Is it just the whole thing?

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dunfightin · 11/08/2015 00:02

What comes over here is that you feel very apologetic. It's ok, I'm sure lots of us have been there. But it's the old one-armed bandit or lottery analogy - if you have put so much into the slot you keep going hoping that eventually it will pay out or your number will come up. It's clear that this man won't do what he has failed to do for so many years. And if he's not motivated by having a child to support, then nothing is going to change that.
Been there and done that with a man child who was rather more obviously abusive and he too was supported by his family who probably still see me as the mad banshee while he was the poor sensitive artistic soul.
The first bit will be very hard but once you've begun to work on yourself then you'll see things very differently and much more brightly.
Read all you can about co-dependency, look at how playing the victim is abusive in itself and sign up for the Freedom Programme online.

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springydaffs · 11/08/2015 09:03

Freedom Programme in person if you at all can. Meeting others in the same mess is imo very liberating - because we're all normal, lovely sorts

The 'truth' often has a leaden quality about it - until you meet others and do the work which normalises the whole thing up to a point (iyswim). 'Good' to know we're not freaks. Fucked up, yes - but who isn't? Everybody is. Despite what they say.