I don't trust my judgement right now. And I need advice, quick. :(

[takenlikeafool]

This might end up as being really long, so apologies in advance. I'm doing this as anon just in case there is any backlash.

So, about 3-4 weeks ago, I joined Match.com.. impulse decision after being single for about 2 years, and having not dated anyone for just over 1. I met someone very quickly - lets call him David - within 24 hours on a Sunday morning, and arranged a date for that Thursday. A quick drink in a pub.

On the Tuesday, a colleague set me up with a friend. I arranged the date for Wednesday, thinking it's best to get it out the way cause I didn't really feel any attraction, definitely nothing like David. I told David, just to be totally transparent. And he called the date off, saying it was a bit 'weird' and that he was a 'one man girl'.

Fair enough. I went on the date with the colleagues friend, wasn't great as predicted. In fact it was really awkward. On the Thursday, I took a punt and asked David out for a drink. He said yes. Hoorah!!

We met that night, had a drink, ended up getting some food, and then going to McDonalds to get a Mcflurry! Totally hit it off, and it was literally love at first sight. He literally took my breath away when I first saw him, and I've never experienced anything like it. While we were eating our McFlurry's we spoke about us, and I said I would delete my Match account. I didn't feel like I needed it anymore, and anyway, at least this way I could get a refund, hahaha. He agreed, and said he would do the same, that we should only date each other, that he wouldn't even look at another girl etc etc. We kissed. A lot. It was the perfect, sweetest date.

At this stage, I should mention, I am 24. He is 43. Just an FYI. I generally like older guys, and so it suits me. He's divorced, no kids.

That weekend, we spent together. Saturday, we went to a park, I went back to his place, and I very nearly went all the way with him. I ended up giving him head. He loved it.. as most do. Sunday, I cooked a dinner for him, and we slept together. Way too quick, I know. Shit happens.

I see him on Wednesday. Cook dinner for him. Have sex again. Also end up having anal. Really good night again. I offer, but he doesn't stay. Leaves very late.

He's busy for the rest of the week and the weekend. We see each other again this Tuesday. Go for a meal in the middle of town, which is really lovely. I pay, and he's pretty shocked at that, but doesn't argue when I insist. We go back to mine. Have cuddles, have sex. It was absolutely incredible, and so incredibly passionate and loving.

The next day - Wednesday, we arranged to see each other again. And he asked if I'd like to stay with him, I excitedly accepted - he's been quite nervous about sleeping over at mine, so I thought I might as well do it first and ease his nerves a bit. It was a lovely night, if not a bit awkward, as the first night together normally is. We got a takeaway, watched a couple of films. Had sex. It was pretty good. Post coital, we had a little cuddle, and played on our phones.. he was showing me stuff on his Facebook.. while doing so, a notification from Plenty of Fish popped up: 'XXXXX wants to meet you!!'.

What the fuck. He tries to swipe it away, but I've already seen it. I didn't even know he was on Plenty of Fish, as well as Match. I don't say anything, until later when I see all his apps, and I make a comment about him having a load of dating apps. 'Ahh, yeah, I can't be bothered to delete them'.

ooookay.

At this stage, we go to bed and I don't mention anything about it again. I'm gutted and totally in shock, even though I don't know whether he's active or not.

I mention everything to my housemates when I get back home on Thursday night after work. And we decide to look for his profile. We find it, and find out he has been 'online today'. Okay, it might just be him logging in from the night before... we'll try again later.

At this point, we make an actual (totally fake) profile, and 'show interest' in him. Today, I've found out he has looked at my profile. I've also seen he's been online on POF and Match at the same time as the fake profile.

So now, I'm not sure what to think. I know I've totally gone OOT but I also think if we were meant to be exclusive then he shouldn't be online on the dating apps at all.. I know I wouldn't have stayed over at his, and I definitely wouldn't have had any form of sex with him if I had known he was still crawling through the sites.

Am I right to be angry and hurt? I'm not quite sure what I should do know - do I stay quiet and just carry on? After all we've only been dating for a couple weeks. Or do I mention it?

I think I'd like to mention it, but I'd have to do it over text because I just couldn't bear for him to know that I'm really upset about it.. I don't even know what to say. AIBU?? Any advice or observations would be great. x

Agree with Cabrihna. He is a liar.

He has told you that you are not to see other people yet he is still shopping around.

You have given him far too much.

You know that a 40 plus year old man will let you cook, buy him meals have sex etc. it does not mean he cares or respects you.

In fact my dp, didn't let me cook for him, pay for him, have sex with him. But we did both agree that we would be exclusive to one another straight away.

This man sounds repulsive and is using you.

He is old enough to be your father.

I hope you used contraception and condoms. Oral, vaginal and anal with a stranger. You need to get tested for STIs.

Sounds to me like you are trying to set a trap for him.
ie. you dont trust him.

you have to chose but I also am surprised you are giving so much information about your sex life on line?
why?

Why are some people going on about the fact that the op likes older men? There doesn't have to be anything slightly freudian about that! My guy is twenty years older and we have been together 9 years since I was 20. Seriously just back off with that, it's not a crime to like older men is it? Why on earth would she need counselling for it???? ????

Because that's how she shows her "value" in the relationship Noah

OP. I used match and looked at POF years ago. POF was a "hook up" site which resulted in my actively avoiding it, Match was better for me.

I had dozens of dates through match and one relationship.
At NO point did any man tell me we were exclusive.
Sorry, one told me I should cancel my profile and my response was "you expect me to believe you're that great? I hardly know you"
The man I dated told me a month in that his membership had expired and he hadn't renewed it. We had just started having a sexual relationship. My account lasted longer but it wasn't an issue between us.

I agree with a PP who clearly spelled out that your language and tone seem to scream that you are defining your "worth" through sexual acts and what you do for him.
You are worth more than that.

"I like older men"

Why? Dating someone old enough to be your father, ACTIVELY seeking out someone with a large age gap? Do you need them to "need you" or do you have unresolved daddy issues? Your self esteem sounds shot OP and you are worth so much more than your parts.

But to answer the op, I have seen on here so many times that when a person shows you who they are, believe them! He's shown you that he is too lazy to delete his dating apps and he is still active on them? Plus only a few weeks in? It says it all. It really does. I'm sorry you fell so deep. Some send have this ability to turn even the most sensible of people into emotional wrecks. We've all been there over a guy at some point but this is very soon for all this. You've flown a hundred miles an hour in this and time to put on the brakes. Take a step back breath and just look at where you are at and how intense all this. Shouldn't be this much so early on. Good luck op.

People not send* predict on phone.

Sapphirestars did you just meet your older partner, or did you set out at 20 that you were only interested in older men, looked for that, dated someone THIRTY YEARS older?

That's the issue, for me.

I'll thrown in some armchair psychology on the older man, for this OP.
Not EVERY woman with an older man.

But - if you measure you're self worth and the value that you bring to a relationship in how hot and sexy you are, then isn't it logical that you will feel your value is higher to a man who is much older?

If you're 24 dating a 24 year old man, well, you're just 24.

If you're dating a 43yo or the man in his 50s, you're not just 24. You're a Hot Young Thing! You are a prize, a trophy. I don't even mean to them, I mean in your own mind.

This OP seems so over focused on the sex acts that she provides, I think she has a need to be the Sexy Body. And that leads to her seeking older men.

I did just meet mine at work but I've always liked guys older. There is no specific age that I would go for but for example when I was at college aged sixteen, I preferred guys aged twenty Etc. Which is a big gap for sixteen I think but my mind has always been an older one and I needed someone on my wavelength in maturity. I sometimes find guys my age just still acting like they are seventeen and I'm glad I have my partner. He's never restricted me, always made me feel special, doesn't put me down. Xx

I agree about the emphasis on the sexual acts. Perhaps the op was just highlighting what she did for him as she was seriously into him? Maybe she never does that for just anyone?

Thank you for all your messages..

I should point out I haven't actively seeked out anyone - he came to me, we had some nice messages etc and we went from there. I do not actively seek out anyone that is older from me, I've messaged, dated younger guys etc but things haven't worked out.

Cabrinha I included the sex simply to be truthful and blunt about things. People IRL that I've told about everything have had edited versions, but I figured I wasn't going to get truthful advice without being truthful myself. I'd agree that it has been about what I've done for him. I hadn't thought of that before.

WhatifIdid I'd definitely say it makes me feel more secure, but it's not the reason I generally date older guys. I'm probably too mature for my age in the way I act, what I do etc so I have more in common with them. In general, I just find younger guys aren't willing to have any form of exclusivity and just mess me around, constantly being unreliable. I hate that.

mummytime Counselling? Are you serious? I might be stupid, but I'm not insane. I'm 24. Not 12.

sapphirestars What you have just mentioned is exactly how I feel/act. Since the age of maybe 15-16, I've never dated anyone my own age.. it is just the way I am, and I know that if/when I do/have dated people my own age, I end up disappointed, frustrated and pissed off.

You also hit the nail on the head with saying I'm highlighting it to show I'm seriously into him. I never go that physical that quickly. But I also have never met someone I have felt like I clicked with so much either.

i find younger guys aren't willing to have any form of exclusivity

And how exactly is the 43yo guy with his cock up your arse last week and his refusal to delete his dating apps and looking at your fake profile any different?

There's NOTHING wrong with you having sex quickly, if you do it safely. Anal or otherwise.

There's EVERYTHING wrong with:

• him lying about exclusivity to get that from you
• you not feeling confident enough to tell him he's binned for it

So I guess you'll just say nothing and carry on giving.

Or you'll say something and minimise it when he says "oh babe you're so sexy you're all I want, I was just bored and flicking and thinking how lucky I am I've got you not "

Just keep your eyes open. Forget how YOU feel, look at his actions.

He said you couldn't multi date (really, you think a man with that many dating apps doesn't believe in doing that?). He said he wouldn't look at another girl, that you were exclusive.

Do not persuade yourself that your soulmate here is on the same wavelength as you!

And you know, it's a week or two. He doesn't HAVE to be exclusive or off sites. What he DOES have to be is honest. And he's not.

I know a few men of that age, recently divorced or separated. They are on Pof and match purely for sex. they don't want another relationship yet and they brag about all the easy lays they are getting. I think you may be kidding yourself.

I don't understand the bit, right at the beginning, where you tell this guy that you have a date with your colleagues friend? And he replies saying he is a 'one man girl' (Presumably he means a one-girl man?) - and he calls off your date for the next day. This seems to be saying that (even though you are both on dating sites!) if you have a date with another guy, he's out?

A bit manipulative?

And - yes, do get an STI test!

x-post caprinha! You said it much better than me

Bottom line is, he's still shopping around but dishonestly denying you the right to do the same. I wonder how he'd respond if you said you were reactivating your Match account? Well, I think we could make a guess.

You know the old saying: "The great thing is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made." This guy has had 40 years to perfect his techniques. No wonder he's good at it. And I don't just mean the sex.

ptumbi Yes that's exactly it - that I couldn't see anyone else at the same time etc. STI test is already ordered, and doctors appt early next week. We used protection, but I'd still like to put my mind at rest.

Cabrinha Thank you. I think it's time to get this over with once and for all. :(

Think I'll probably need to do via text cause otherwise I'm just going to chicken out/mumble all my words.

Btw OP - I don't think anyone here wants you to feel bad, despite the near universal onslaught of him!

The reason we're so sure of our opinion is I suspect most of us have got the Bad Choice t shirt

I'd dump him just for taking me on a date to McDonald's, cheap bastard.

I cannot believe that even after he turned out to be lying to you you still describe it as love at first sight. Clearly it wasn't was it?! Please toughen up. Love at first sight is a bollocks concept. You didn't know him so how the fuck could you love him? Insane.
You do not delete dating profiles and proclaim exclusivity after one date. It's ridiculous, immature and quite possessive. If someone tried to force a commitment like that from me after one date he would be in the bin.
The difference between you two is that he was dishonest and seemingly offered exclusivity despite not actually wanting to, but you were silly enough to believe that it was a reasonable and realistic proposition after one date.
Come on, grow a thicker skin, and chuck your romantic bollocks notions of love at first sight out of the window. Dating is a ruthless game and remember you don't know anyone after a handful of dates so don't get tricked into believing you do.

Only time will tell... if he is really into you, he'll delete his profiles... eventually..

It's a red flag though....

Obsidian talks sense