I don't trust my judgement right now. And I need advice, quick. :(

[takenlikeafool]

This might end up as being really long, so apologies in advance. I'm doing this as anon just in case there is any backlash.

So, about 3-4 weeks ago, I joined Match.com.. impulse decision after being single for about 2 years, and having not dated anyone for just over 1. I met someone very quickly - lets call him David - within 24 hours on a Sunday morning, and arranged a date for that Thursday. A quick drink in a pub.

On the Tuesday, a colleague set me up with a friend. I arranged the date for Wednesday, thinking it's best to get it out the way cause I didn't really feel any attraction, definitely nothing like David. I told David, just to be totally transparent. And he called the date off, saying it was a bit 'weird' and that he was a 'one man girl'.

Fair enough. I went on the date with the colleagues friend, wasn't great as predicted. In fact it was really awkward. On the Thursday, I took a punt and asked David out for a drink. He said yes. Hoorah!!

We met that night, had a drink, ended up getting some food, and then going to McDonalds to get a Mcflurry! Totally hit it off, and it was literally love at first sight. He literally took my breath away when I first saw him, and I've never experienced anything like it. While we were eating our McFlurry's we spoke about us, and I said I would delete my Match account. I didn't feel like I needed it anymore, and anyway, at least this way I could get a refund, hahaha. He agreed, and said he would do the same, that we should only date each other, that he wouldn't even look at another girl etc etc. We kissed. A lot. It was the perfect, sweetest date.

At this stage, I should mention, I am 24. He is 43. Just an FYI. I generally like older guys, and so it suits me. He's divorced, no kids.

That weekend, we spent together. Saturday, we went to a park, I went back to his place, and I very nearly went all the way with him. I ended up giving him head. He loved it.. as most do. Sunday, I cooked a dinner for him, and we slept together. Way too quick, I know. Shit happens.

I see him on Wednesday. Cook dinner for him. Have sex again. Also end up having anal. Really good night again. I offer, but he doesn't stay. Leaves very late.

He's busy for the rest of the week and the weekend. We see each other again this Tuesday. Go for a meal in the middle of town, which is really lovely. I pay, and he's pretty shocked at that, but doesn't argue when I insist. We go back to mine. Have cuddles, have sex. It was absolutely incredible, and so incredibly passionate and loving.

The next day - Wednesday, we arranged to see each other again. And he asked if I'd like to stay with him, I excitedly accepted - he's been quite nervous about sleeping over at mine, so I thought I might as well do it first and ease his nerves a bit. It was a lovely night, if not a bit awkward, as the first night together normally is. We got a takeaway, watched a couple of films. Had sex. It was pretty good. Post coital, we had a little cuddle, and played on our phones.. he was showing me stuff on his Facebook.. while doing so, a notification from Plenty of Fish popped up: 'XXXXX wants to meet you!!'.

What the fuck. He tries to swipe it away, but I've already seen it. I didn't even know he was on Plenty of Fish, as well as Match. I don't say anything, until later when I see all his apps, and I make a comment about him having a load of dating apps. 'Ahh, yeah, I can't be bothered to delete them'.

ooookay.

At this stage, we go to bed and I don't mention anything about it again. I'm gutted and totally in shock, even though I don't know whether he's active or not.

I mention everything to my housemates when I get back home on Thursday night after work. And we decide to look for his profile. We find it, and find out he has been 'online today'. Okay, it might just be him logging in from the night before... we'll try again later.

At this point, we make an actual (totally fake) profile, and 'show interest' in him. Today, I've found out he has looked at my profile. I've also seen he's been online on POF and Match at the same time as the fake profile.

So now, I'm not sure what to think. I know I've totally gone OOT but I also think if we were meant to be exclusive then he shouldn't be online on the dating apps at all.. I know I wouldn't have stayed over at his, and I definitely wouldn't have had any form of sex with him if I had known he was still crawling through the sites.

Am I right to be angry and hurt? I'm not quite sure what I should do know - do I stay quiet and just carry on? After all we've only been dating for a couple weeks. Or do I mention it?

I think I'd like to mention it, but I'd have to do it over text because I just couldn't bear for him to know that I'm really upset about it.. I don't even know what to say. AIBU?? Any advice or observations would be great. x

don't take this one any further

he tried to make it so there was one rule for you and another for him

that's not a good start to any relationship, fuck buddy or otherwise

level playing field and honesty at all times should be the minimum you insist on and at the first variation from that. ...bin

Im going to disagree with most on here. I don't necessarily think he's a shit.

I was in a long term relationship before he up and left me for another woman. A few days later I met a friend of a friend in town. nothing happened but he made me laugh when it was the last thing I wanted to do. A week after that we bumped I to each other in town again and ended up sleeping together. not even 2 weeks after my (or his I later found out) last relationship had ended. The night I met him he went home with another woman, and had another 2 ladies interested.

3 years later this said man is my husband and I couldn't be happier.

just because he still has the apps on his phone doesn't mean he is being unfaithful. you have moved fast, but it doesn't make you a fool. you acted on what you wanted and I hate that society makes you feel bad for doing that. It doesn't make you sleazy at all. Id slept with my dh for 2 weeks before a real date was even suggested.

give him a chance, get to know him. obviously be wary, its early days, dont get too invested. but equally if you judge him on someone showing him interest and him not responding and pulling him up on it it isn't fair on him.
give him a chance, be honest and open with him. If he can't be the same with you move on. But don't write it off yet.

But MrsAtkinson how the hell do you approach that without ruining things? This is someone who I really like - is just on my wavelength for whatever reason - but I just can't see how we could actually move past this??

I don't think you did anything wrong in having sex on the 2nd date.

I don't think you did anything wrong in having the exclusive chat early on. Before I married, all relationships were exclusive from the first date. I don't really get this whole dating loads of people at once thing.

Bit I do expect honesty and openness from day one. Or it's off.

He's very skilled at getting what he wants.

And he got it.

Get rid.

The quick sex - meh. Anal in the back of his car after the McFlurry in the Drive-Thru car park if you like. You don't have to wait.

The problem here is that he told you that you couldn't date anyone else - he's on Match and POF, he knows how it works! - then carried on himself.

Fucking hell his Xmases have all come at once! 20 years younger, cooking dinner for him AND taking it up the arse? And the icing on the cake... not confident enough not to just let him get away with carrying on with the dating apps

Come on girl.

I think you should have a good look at why you're so attracted to older men, too. 30 years older, some of them?!!

You'll find plenty of women on here with successful age gap relationships, I know. It happens. But I think there's a difference between randomly hitting it off with someone 20 years older, and actively seeking out older men.

Match really is a candy store, impressionable young women prepared to give all sorts to old men they don't know.

Some men are very adept at giving the impression you have clicked when it isn't genuine.

This is even easier when they are older and experienced in what will/won't work, and you are young, still believe in love at first sight, and are less experienced in meeting horrible men.

OMG I've done some mental things but I can't believe you took up up the bum with him so soon.
I think he's had all he wants in a plate hasn't he ?! He must have thought fucking Christmas and birthday had come at once! A nice young woman so into him. He probably thinks he can do it again and again with other girls hence the online activity ...
Too much too soon - I'm not sure if you can salvage it now to be honest honey.

If you feel like you are on the same wavelength then I would just ask him about being exclusive. go from there, mention the apps, just explain that it doesn't sit well with you if you are exclusive. If he agrees and respects that he will delete them and stop using them.
Maybe he is a wrong 'Un like many are suggesting, but you owe it to yourself to give him a chance to delete them etc. If he doesn't then I too would get rid.
If you are on the same wavelength as you say though, I imagine he will be happy to oblige and understand completely.
I hope it works out for the best for.you

Why does she "owe it to herself" to give him a chance? WTAF?!!

This man agreed with her that they were exclusive, that they were coming off Match, and that he didn't so much as want to look at another girl.

Then he clicked on her fake profile

She "owes it to herself" to walk the fuck away from that shit.

They're not on the same wavelength at all!!!!! That proves it.

What does same wavelength even mean? That he pretends that a McFlurry is just, like, the sweetest first date ever and then gets to do her up the arse next date?

He's having a whale of a time whilst still skimming through profiles seeing who else he can get to fall for his shit.

If the OP truly did feel they were on the same wavelength, she'd have no problem bringing up the fact he was still actively looking at women on dating sites.

He actually TOLD her he can't be bothered to delete dating apps! That's how bothered about her feelings he is. How on-the-same-wavelength he is!

It takes SECONDS to delete apps.

He doesn't care about doing it, or getting caught with the POF message popping up, because he knows he OP is disposable. He's on lots of sites. I'd put a lot of money on him knowing it's very easy to pick up women, tell them what they want to hear, fuck them - and knows that plenty will be too sucked in to rock the boat even when they see he's still looking.

If you have sex with someone it is VERY difficult to remain emotionally distant enough to give yourself the time to get to know someone and bin them if they're a shit.

I agree with poster above who says dating 30+ years older men may reflect low self-esteem. Do you feel it gives you an edge of power? Or make you feel more secure or in control?

Op, I tbink you need to take heed of Cabrinha's post. It's spot on.

OP, I'm posting again, my mind keeps coming back to you, I feel so sad for you.

Not just this guy, but the other older men too - like the one 30 years older.

I re-read your OP, and you detail 6 dates. In the 6 dates, it's all about what you did for him - the cooking for example, the paying for dinner - and the sex. The sex. Why have you told us about the sex you had on each of the six occasions? All that was necessary was for you to say you were in a sexual relationship. But you seem really hung up on sex, emphasising what you've done. It's not that I'm a prude - but it's not relevant here. What it tells me is that you are defining your worth, your contribution to a relationship, by how much good sex you are providing. Maybe think about that.

I'll leave you with this thought - it's blunt but I think it's important.

When you are sticking your arse in the air for some man old enough to be your father, or the one in his FIFTIES, do you really think he is thinking about your 'wavelength' or admiring your personality?

Please don't measure your value by sex.

OP I don't blame the guy either.
At his age he is likely to be far more experienced in relationships than you and maybe not so eager to act like an excited puppy. You got in way too deep far too fast.

In the first week you cooked for him twice, paid for a meal out and had anal sex six days after meeting him . You know nothing about someone after 6 days- or indeed 3 weeks for that matter. He could be a serial killer, have a wife or a criminal record.

Chalk it down to experience.

I think you moved so quickly how on earth could you trust him to not be on dating sites? You don't know him.

Way too soon for staying over all loved up. Maybe I am jaded these days but it all sounds too much too soon and your description of it all 'sweetest perfect date', 'incredibly passionate', the 'post-coital cuddle' makes me think how could anything live up to that. That couldn't be sustained. The only way is down.

I bet he couldn't believe his luck. And no idea what a 24 year old would see in a man in his 40s. And he's still looking around! Nothing would be enough for him. Or he didn't feel the earth moved as much as you.

He is a player, sorry OP. Not so much for the OD apps (IME getting them to take the profile down is like weaning them off crack anyway) but for the hypocrisy.

It's also kind of easy to see why they don't want to give up OD when within a week they get anal, free dinner and sleepovers without even leaving the candy shop.
I met DH through OD and we both took our profiles down after the first date, no questions. As it should be.

Get rid. He's a tosser.

I suspect that the OP will think "oh but he could be feeling all that in one week, it was love at first sight for me, so why not for him?*

When you've finished thinking that OP, just remember that you didn't then go back to clicking on other men's profiles.

Fact is, he is not feeling what you're feeling.

I met someone OLD a few months back. Suspended my Match profile after one date, he did too. I had to go back on last week as I'd only suspended and needed to stop the subscription renewal. That meant re activating, and then it wouldn't let me deactivate for 48 hours. So I changed the profile message to "awaiting deletion" and logged out. I've had 10 email notifications. I haven't read them. Not interested. Not even idle curiosity with no bad intent. I'm not even in love with the guy I'm seeing, nor him me. But I am a decent, honest, adult woman. I say I am exclusive, I am exclusive.
That is what you should expect from a man.

Please get some counselling too. Why are you attracted to older men? Gosh in 20 years you'll be a young 43 and he'd be retiring.

Why do you feel the need to date? Why not just have fun and see what happens?

Pushing for exclusivity, even before the first date, is a big red flag.

I'm thinking big mushroom cloud.....wooooosh... way too fast imo!!!

We are all saying the same thing op.

Oh yes and what's with the cooking for him? I went out with someone for a couple of months. I could hear his stomach rumbling some evenings and he still wouldn't get anything. Too cosy too soon.

He's old enough to be your father.......
An older man with a penchant for younger women and you gave him yourself on a plate; he must have thought all his Christmas' had come at once.

How on earth anyone can 'know' another person well enough to jump into bed with them that quickly completely floors me. He's got it made so what else do you expect?

He's 19 years older than you and a player!

Get rid!

Fwiw, my DP and I didn't delete our online accounts until we'd been dating for two months.