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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know. Told you so scenario

93 replies

KatieMaddocks · 06/08/2015 14:20

Hi all,

just as an update if you are interested at all. I never responded to this chauvinistic pig we discussed last time I created a thread, he begged me to call, left messages etc. I knew I'd regret it but wanted 110% certainty and got in touch. We talked about the things that were wrong in the relationship, he convinced me he'd change and wanted things to be 'back to normal'. We went out for a lovely dinner, his idea/treat.

Three days later he again did not want to meet mid-week, the same behaviour and attitude. I asked him if there was a problem. He said he is 'busy', 'work meeting early on Friday', that he 'wants top relax at home by himself'....anyway, argued over this and I told him everything I think about him not respecting women, being a chauvinistic pig, selfishness, etc.

He wished me 'good luck in future' and said I was 'restricting his freedom' apparently.

Very upset, as all I wanted was to meet more than once a week and he said he wanted it too?!!!!?? confused. I can only think he multidates and has 'another offer' tonight which he doesn't want to turn down.

I know you will say 'told you so' and that I should have never replied to him post leaving him 3 weeks ago, I was weak in my decision...

words of kindness and encouragement is all I am after. I really wanted to make sure I did not make the wrong choice so gave him a chance. How wrong was I.;-(((

OP posts:
Original poster
KatieMaddocks · 07/08/2015 10:23

Feeling quite crap today. Shouted at my mum out of stress. Feeling like nothing after what's happened....;-((

Any ideas on how to feel better. Feel like I failed at finding a perfect soulmate. So many times;-(((

and he used me and is probably laughing at me behind my back.

OP posts:
Sweetsecret · 07/08/2015 10:32

Sorry he has let you don't again, just think of it that now you know 100% he's no good, you won't make the same mistake twice. Be kind to yourself and move on, he is obviously not worth someone like you.

Original poster
KatieMaddocks · 07/08/2015 10:39

Sweetsecret thank you.. My friend says I attract ars$holes like him and that it is my fault as I am not placid/patient enough....do you think I should have been less 'smothering', was I??

I only saw him once a week, sometimes 2 times. Is it me having high expectatinos from a new relationship - to be together twice a week and connect between dates...is it 'too much' for some? Was I really 'controlling' and 'restricting his freedom' as I do not think I was?!

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 07/08/2015 10:45

Feel like I failed at finding a perfect soulmate

I'm sorry, but IMO 'soulmates' is such a big piece of twaddle! Someone isn't instantly your 'soulmate'. It takes years of loving and living with someone to reach the state of being almost symbiotically linked, and even then you won't like the way they chew their food/laugh/breathe at times.

It sounds like you're looking for a fairytale. Good relationships are grounded in reality. You haven't 'failed at finding a perfect soulmate'. You've dodged a bullet.

Would you describe yourself as a hopeless romantic?

Original poster
KatieMaddocks · 07/08/2015 10:52

ScrambledSmegs yes, sweetie, I suppose I am. Although I am not a sappy romantic type who likes teddy bears and flower stuff. I believe in romance, gentleman-like manners and faithfulness.. Feeling low, as argued with my family about my inability to build relationships with men. Mum walked out on me this morning.

feel like am unable to cope. Not just because of this one c&&&, but in general with so many relationship failures. He never messaged/called since. I am playing back scenes/words/memories...he talked about his ex who was 15 years younger and apparently 'lovely'. Maybe he was not over her when we met?? And he probably thought I was 'an old lady at 34' compared to his ex of 25-26.

Feel awful as I have no BS radar and cannot tell good from bad apart, or real abuse from banter.

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 07/08/2015 11:07

Hmm. You sound a lot like a lovely friend of mine who has had a few bad experiences with relationships. Her twat-radar is definitely turned off mainly due to low self-esteem, which has led to her staying in a horrible relationship for far too long, basically until her family told her that they loved her but could not stand by and watch her being treated like that. He would make incredible romantic gestures, never cheated but he was an utter bastard to her.

The problem with these people is that they have an instinct for picking up on your insecurities and using them against you. A good person won't do that.

I know you haven't said whether you've been in an abusive relationship but it might actually be helpful for you to do the Freedom Program online. Working on your self-esteem is the key here, not obsessing over him in a 'What's wrong with me?' way. And as you say, it will help you hone your twat-radar and judge what is genuine joking around and what isn't.

PS Romance is nice, but the real stuff is more important.

Original poster
KatieMaddocks · 07/08/2015 11:51

I don't know if it was abusive, to an extent yes. He called me names like 'arse@ole', 'di@k', 'b@tch' when he did not like things I did (minor stuff, sometimes when I did smth in jest messing around). I thought he lacked gentleman-like manners, was unable to show/express his feelings (he said on emails/texts and sometime when leaving my house he loves me but could never say it to my face / looking at me like he was afraid or didn't mean it).

He said to me I did not understand British humour when I questioned it, that I was 'too sensitive' and 'that English language allows to say bad words without meaning derogatory things'. I do think insults like above are not humour....I really did not feel he was humouring me, more like putting me down and feeling in control as I was humiliated.

Eg, people have seen my other thread - he said things like 'at your age you must be drying up inside and are damaged goods [I was previously married/no kids]. Is that humour?? Is it funny??

I feel like my self-esteem is in pieces. I do not feel good about myself even though I am told often I am tall/long legs/beautiful why are you not happy. I feel humiliated and cannot seem to cope with what's happened.

and he will walk the earth without punishment or anything bad happening to him, probably fooling another girl with fake compliments (he told me I was 10/10 and perfect before starting to abuse and criticise).

Am I really sensitive? Or is he a pig?

OP posts:
ARV1981 · 07/08/2015 12:12

He's a pig.

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 12:21

You really do place validation of your worthiness on men, and this man isn't even a good man, he's a pig as you ask, yes, a pig, nobody on here is going to tell you otherwise OP!

Take time to work on yourself, your standards are way below even reasonable.

SuperFlyHigh · 07/08/2015 13:18

OP - read what Jan45 says and read it some more.

Don't get caught into the trap as a foreigner of believing his humour either - if a man from your home country told you the same stuff and said it was funny would you believe him? no. so don't believe this twat.

if a man from your home country called you a dick, bitch etc would you laugh hilariously and brush it off? because for me in UK even saying those words as a joke to me would be a big fat red flag and not seeing someone again.

you do need some help and I would suggest a good therapist.

sure it's lovely when a man compliments you and says 10/10 and perfect etc but generally in connection with the other stuff you've mentioned it's flattery designed to keep you in your place as a woman or to belittle you - but because you think it's nice words you're happy.

You will I'm sorry to say keep meeting losers like this guy until you change your mindset and think and act about what YOU want from a man AND from a decent relationship.

MyDogAteMyBelt · 07/08/2015 13:30

Anyone new to this situation should probably read the previous thread for context of this .
Not the one in Lone Parents, but the Relationships one 'New Romance'.

MatildaTheCat · 07/08/2015 13:48

Re Gmail, you can click at the top and get all his messages sent to spam or the promotions folder, that way you don't ever have to see them or open them.

He sounds an absolute piece of work, you have, indeed dodged a bullet. Keep that text he sent in error in you head if you ever, ever have any doubts.

And yes,you will meet someone at some point but certainly not whilst moping after this idiot.

SuperFlyHigh · 07/08/2015 13:59

Matilda - that is precisely why therapy/counselling helps - especially quite soon afterwards as if you use CBT you change your own mindset about the idiot...

and get your own head straight in the process! Smile

Original poster
KatieMaddocks · 07/08/2015 14:04

SuperFlyHigh I know. That's what I told him, in any culture/language these words are not a sign of love or adoration to any human being, especially a woman they are seeing.

He made me feel guilty 'for treating him like this' ie with silence threreafter, saying it is cruel and that he 'hopes I feel good about being mean'.

I have nothing to say to him so am silent yes. We have talked about horrific things he said and I know it won't change.

Anyway, he probably found an excuse by now as to why I am not coming to the races with him on Sunday or invited another 'p&ssy" to this event.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatieMaddocks · 07/08/2015 14:06

Feel like a gullible mug. Who fell twice for it and the puppy dog eyes. That's what no hugs/dating for a while does to you. Ready to hug a tree at this point;-((

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 07/08/2015 14:09

Katie ignore his words - in fact any man who does/says that is an idiot. and acts more like a child than a grown man in my opinion.

You do actually seem like a very nice woman with a lot going for you and with a bit of help, courage etc you WILL meet someone nice. and when they say perfection stuff you will know it's for real and not just false words. Smile

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 14:09

Katie, really is time to put the big girls pants on and stop wallowing, in fact stop talking about the twat!

Got plans for the wknd?

SuperFlyHigh · 07/08/2015 14:10

don't feel guillible - it happens to us all we all have weak moments and fall for it all...

do you have a pet? I have a cat and he is something to cuddle who doesn't criticise!

Skiptonlass · 07/08/2015 14:25

Tell him to fuck off, then he can have all the freedom he wants.

Then enjoy finding yourself a nice adult male who treats you well.

Original poster
KatieMaddocks · 07/08/2015 14:48

SuperFlyHigh - just seen one of my best friend/colleagues at work leaving to live overseas. It's been tough, I won't lie. We have had a few leavers recently, from the same team... Thank you for the kind words. I just feel low, can't sleep and take melatonin as I wake up worried, upset and sad. I am trying my best not to wallow. I have a pet, it is a British shorthair gorgeous cat, the guy I dated did not like him as he said it's not a 'proper animal' and that he 'has no brain/personality'... He is lovely and very intelligent. Plus my mum is here to visit. We argued because of my 'situation' with this man, she is not speaking to me now...

Jan45 - plans for weekend were to meet with the guy after me doing yoga and go to dinner/races on Sunday. so, now no plans yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatieMaddocks · 07/08/2015 14:50

Skiptonlass - yes, I told him that. That he can have 'freedom' from not seeing me anyway and can do what he wants. That I can't love a guy who has so much love for himself, there's no room for others.

Somebody said "tell him to f@@@ off to the right side of f@@@", I will forever remember this...;-)

OP posts:
Jan45 · 07/08/2015 14:51

I meant what plans have you put in place.

What age are you OP?

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 14:53

Katie, he speaks to you with contempt, why do you think it's acceptable, you seem to be shouldering the blame for him having a dysfunctional personality, just stop it.

Cabrinha · 07/08/2015 14:55

You know what? You keep saying you need people to be nice to you because you feel so low.
So I'll apologise for being blunt here, but you need to hear it.

This man is an ARSEHOLE. You know it, and you knew it on your thread 2 weeks ago. Refusing to use a condom, calling you a bitch, deliberately letting a waiter hear he wants to smash his face in... the list goes on and on...

You know all this. You're not stupid. You are doing something stupid - staying with him then/ going back to him, but you are not stupid.

YOU NEED TO STOP DATING.

Look, this man is responsible for his behaviour. It is not your fault he's an arse. But it IS your fault that you put up with him. And you're going to go into bad relationship after bad relationship until you work on YOU.

Cancel all the money you're spending on dating agencies, and find a good counsellor.

It is the best gift you can give yourself.

Plans for the weekend? Do your yoga, then spend the rest of the time researching for a counsellor.

SuperFlyHigh · 07/08/2015 14:59

Katie I think that was me with the 'fuck off to the .... Grin

how nasty of him to say things like that about your cat! I am sure your cat has more brains and personality than your ex! anyone who doesn't like cats or other animals is always someone to be avoided.

to be fair I would speak to your mum and tell her nicely and politely that you value her input but it does not help if she overly invests in you (or other words) as it does not help your recovery! Your mother only wants to see you happy and settled and calm, she can as most mothers do and can sense your upset and of course it worries her.

of course you feel low and want to wallow - but do something nice with your mum now - how about Kew Gardens tomorrow with afternoon tea/lunch? and maybe a film in the evening. Go out for the day on Sunday if your mum is still here or by yourself if she's gone. you can still do the yoga.

but yes do as Jan45 says and make some plans. and if some man comes onto you at any point this weekend or in next month say NO!

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