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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We're having "The Talk" tonight :(

48 replies

TooMuchJD · 06/08/2015 10:36

I have messaged on here before about my dysfunctional relationship - mostly I've been advised to LTB due to:
His irresponsibility with money
Lack of any practical input to the household
The fact that I feel like I "parent" him
Previous infidelity & DV
His behaviour towards his SS (My eldest DS)
My lack of respect for him
(Don't know how to add links or would put them here)

Listing it like this sounds awful, I am well aware of that but it does not truly convey the RL situation fully as there is good stuff too but I don't tend to post about that, just enjoy the calm

After months of emotional detachment by me (I know that this is not good) it has reached the point where he's told me "I need to know if you want me or not because if you don't then let me go and find someone who does" and he has informed me we will be talking about this tonight and making a decision once and for all about out marriage.

We have had many of these talks before and they never really resolve anything. He will not accept any responsibility for his actions as he feels that he has tried his best to change (he had anger management and swapped going the pub every night for going the gym instead - small improvement but not really dealing with the underlying issues). We will start of by talking but due tot he above as soon as I try to discuss my attitude is based on his actions he will start to name call and get personal and generally not provide a good space in which to argue and try to resolve these issues. I try to keep as much emotional crap about of these discussions and deal with the issues but inevitably get drawn in - at which point I just disengage as its not productive.

Just after some advice as to how to deal with tonight's conversation in a proactive way. Do i be brutally honest? Tips on how to order my thoughts etc. so i don't get drawn into his self pity and drama? Someone previously posted on a recent thread I posted that its too good to leave, too bad to stay and akin to death by a thousand cuts - that is exactly how I feel - i do not trust my judgement enough to make a good decision. HELP!!!!

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 06/08/2015 10:41

Do you want to split up?

hellsbellsmelons · 06/08/2015 10:44

No-one on here will tell you to try to stay in abusive relationship.
The only amount of acceptable abuse is NONE - which I'm sure you are fully aware of.

However.... you need to write your thoughts down.
Get it all on paper.
Then bullet point everything you need to mention and elaborate when you get to that point.
Allocate each of you 10 minutes each for each point. No-one is allowed to interrupt until that person is finished. You could even use a wooden spoon and who ever is in possession speaks until it is handed over to the other person. Childish, yes - does it work, sometimes! Can you hit him with it? Not really Smile
Let him go first and make notes of what he says.
Then it's your turn and so on and so forth.
It he starts to interrupt then hand him your notes and walk away.
Literally walk away. Get out of the room and tell him where you are when he is ready to listen to you like you are going to listen to him.
Rinse and repeat.
If it goes nowhere and he won't allow you to talk and he doesn't take anything on board then you know what you need to do.
Good luck for later.

butterflygirl15 · 06/08/2015 10:53

He is telling you when you are going to talk and when you will be making your decision? He sounds controlling too.

Anyway - I would ask why on earth you stay. Living with him is not conducive to a happy or settled home life for any of you. Talking will not wipe out violence or awful behaviour - I cannot see what there is left to say?

whatsagoodusername · 06/08/2015 10:55

Do you want to leave?

Do you need him to accept that he's caused problems?

Because if you want to leave, then that's what you say. You can tell him why, and if he doesn't accept that he's to blame for what he's done, it doesn't change the fact you want to leave and can leave.

Don't get personal. If he argues, just say something like "This is how I perceived it" and move on. Don't apologise, don't engage in the argument.

The relationship has broken down, you are emotionally detached (good, if you want to go), and it is irreparable to you so it's time to go.

Good luck. And I appreciate that it will probably be harder than I've written it.

WickedWax · 06/08/2015 10:59

I don't see there's much of a "talk" to be had really is there? You've raised your issues before, nothing gets resolved, he can't or won't or just doesn't change. What's to talk about? Why rehash the same old same old? The talk surely should go something like... "yes DH you are right. I don't want you, I don't want to remain in the marriage. Let's do all we can to keep this split as amicable as possible and let's get it done as quickly as possible".

butterflygirl15 · 06/08/2015 11:06

I cannot see why after years of posting threads about him, and getting the same consensus of opinion on each one, why you are still with him?

Abusive, drinking, unfaithful, cocklodging twat. Who treats your DC in an appalling fashion. Sod talking - pack his bags and leave them outside. Why do you let him treat your children in this way? You need to get rid of him for that reason alone surely?

yougotafriend · 06/08/2015 11:19

He will never take responsibility for his behaviour being a contributory factor. I know this cos my stbxh didn't either.

You can't force him too, and if you is the reason previous talks haven't resulted in any positive change then there is no reason to believe it will be any different tonight.

If you've had enough, tell him. It doesn't matter whether he agrees with your rationale. You are clearly always going to disagree on the reasoning but that doesn't mean you always have to stay together

pocketsaviour · 06/08/2015 11:32

Are you lly going to leave the abusive fuckwit this time, or are you going to give him another three years to abuse your children?

Original poster
TooMuchJD · 06/08/2015 11:34

Bloody hell pocketsaviour hadn't realised I'd posted so much on here about it. Thanks for the links.

Do I want to save this marriage? I don't know anymore, really do not know.

He does come across as a total cunt in these posts, this is not the whole story, he can actually be nice to be around, and I accept that i am also to blame for some of the issues and I am rebuilding myself to deal with these demons too. We are both damaged in our different ways sadly.

I will say that since the DV incident several years ago he did go to anger management and there has been nothing physical since then.

hellsbells I like your ideas and have already started to get some of my thoughts onto paper so that i don't forget what point I am trying to make. Realistically I don't think that tonight's chat will resolve anything other than short term issues, I will however, engage and hope for the best despite my misgivings.

There is a great element of sadness here. Don't want to look back in 12 months and think i didn't at least try really hard to sort it.

OP posts:
DrGoogeWillSeeYouNow · 06/08/2015 11:44

Don't want to look back in 12 months and think i didn't at least try really hard to sort it

So when you look back at the threads you've been posting for 3 years and 7 months, do you not think you've already tried really hard to sort it?

At what point do you think you'd be willing to say enough is enough? Or will you still be on here in March 2019 posting the same old stuff?

spudlike1 · 06/08/2015 11:58

Sounds like he wants out (eg .perhaps going to the gym instead of the pub )
Sounds like you want out
But neither of you want to take the 'blame' for finishing this.

Look it differently see it as a positive,

an empowering moment, a necessary unpleasant procedure for you to open the doors to the next stage in your life story .
Liberating Grin
Lots of support on hear ones you've done the deed and LTB

Go for it !!!

Summerlovinf · 06/08/2015 12:02

I agree with several other posters...having 'the talk' is a waste of time, energy and emotion. It might be better to spent time working out what you do you want and how you can make the move. Talking to him is not the answer he will either be abusive, evasive or turn on the (false) nice.

HolgerDanske · 06/08/2015 12:02

Nothing is going to change.

butterflygirl15 · 06/08/2015 12:05

he may not be physically violent but don't you think tempers, name calling and mood swings are a more insidious form of abuse.

Perhaps you should also read up on the cycle of abuse. He isn't bad all the time - if he was you wouldn't stay. But he counts on the nice times being enough of a hook to keep you there so you will tolerate the shit times. And look - it has worked! You cannot even convince yourself that you need to split. Played a blinder hasn't he.

Joysmum · 06/08/2015 12:19

There's no amount of good stuff that could outweighs the bad stuff and it's so sad that even now you can't see that Sad

Jan45 · 06/08/2015 12:29

From what you have listed in your OP, I wouldn't care how good it can be, it's a shit relationship and all you are doing is wasting your time, allowing someone to make you miserable, you are entitled to happiness you know. You aint gonna get it with him, no matter how often you talk.

specialsubject · 06/08/2015 12:33

easy from the outside, but...life is short. You've wasted enough on this unhappy marriage. End it.

wish him luck in finding someone else. Although hopefully the someone else will read this thread and recognise him!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 06/08/2015 12:36

Cut him lose and get a life where you're happy.

Who needs a shit relationship? No one.

TeeManyMartoonis · 06/08/2015 12:39

I think, deep down, you know that tonight is not going to change anything. Your posts go back years. For your own sanity, you know you should leave. Talking is not going to achieve anything as your husband will not accept responsibility.

I am sorry to sound harsh but you have been given so much advice over the last THREE YEARS - does that not wake you up? You must leave him or accept that things will never change - and you really do not deserve the latter.

AnyFucker · 06/08/2015 12:44

what is there to talk about ? Confused

butterflygirl15 · 06/08/2015 12:46

And OP - how many posters on your numerous threads have told you to stay with him? I bet it isn't even 1 is it? So why do you think that could possibly be? We have no ulterior motive. Folk don't post here to wreck relationships which are good. They offer objective advice based on the facts. If your DD had posted what you had written what would you tell her to do? I doubt it would be to bullet point her talk and pass a wooden spoon between yourselves so you are 'heard'.

cuppateaahhh · 06/08/2015 13:28

I think if its about blame - then just take the blame and leave. That's what I did - my exH wouldn't understand my rationale and reasons and I got sick of repeating myself, in the end I took the blame for everything - just so I could get out, they are words at the end of the day and in my mind I know I wasn't to blame it was a joint marriage and if he cant see it then that's his problem not mine...

Good Luck you can do it if you want to.

pocketsaviour · 06/08/2015 14:22

We have had many of these talks before and they never really resolve anything.

But you're going to have another one anyway.

Do you know what OP, you are in a far better position to leave than hundreds, no THOUSANDS of women who have abusive men in their lives but don't have a job, a bank account, or family to support them.

The longer you stay with this wanker, the more likely your DS1 is to cut you out of his life when he is older. You are letting him down so badly.

Jan45 · 06/08/2015 14:36

Have just read some of the thread links, I really pity those two little kids stuck between you and him, you both need to split up and stop putting through your Jeremy Kyle lifestyle.

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