We're having "The Talk" tonight :(

[TooMuchJD]

I have messaged on here before about my dysfunctional relationship - mostly I've been advised to LTB due to:
His irresponsibility with money
Lack of any practical input to the household
The fact that I feel like I "parent" him
Previous infidelity & DV
His behaviour towards his SS (My eldest DS)
My lack of respect for him
(Don't know how to add links or would put them here)

Listing it like this sounds awful, I am well aware of that but it does not truly convey the RL situation fully as there is good stuff too but I don't tend to post about that, just enjoy the calm

After months of emotional detachment by me (I know that this is not good) it has reached the point where he's told me "I need to know if you want me or not because if you don't then let me go and find someone who does" and he has informed me we will be talking about this tonight and making a decision once and for all about out marriage.

We have had many of these talks before and they never really resolve anything. He will not accept any responsibility for his actions as he feels that he has tried his best to change (he had anger management and swapped going the pub every night for going the gym instead - small improvement but not really dealing with the underlying issues). We will start of by talking but due tot he above as soon as I try to discuss my attitude is based on his actions he will start to name call and get personal and generally not provide a good space in which to argue and try to resolve these issues. I try to keep as much emotional crap about of these discussions and deal with the issues but inevitably get drawn in - at which point I just disengage as its not productive.

Just after some advice as to how to deal with tonight's conversation in a proactive way. Do i be brutally honest? Tips on how to order my thoughts etc. so i don't get drawn into his self pity and drama? Someone previously posted on a recent thread I posted that its too good to leave, too bad to stay and akin to death by a thousand cuts - that is exactly how I feel - i do not trust my judgement enough to make a good decision. HELP!!!!

[cuppateaahhh]

Hi OP hope you are ok

[Jan45]

Well yes that kind of explains why you are still there, still, no reason to stay though is it, do you really want to get old and look back and feel incredibly hurt about what your kids witnessed cos believe me they remember and it never goes away those kinds of memories.

Nothing wrong in being a single mother, nothing at all.

Spend that time learning to avoid these types of men in the future and only accept your standard for you and your children.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I know all that. I'm talking about the abuse of her child, in which she was complicit. And that's on her. She knew it, she recognised it in 2012 and she let it continue.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I cannot believe you allowed this to go on for so long
Really?
Many women stay for all sorts of reasons.
It can take some years and years to leave an abusive man.
I don't think many of us know how we would actually be in this situation.
Seemingly strong and independent women are dragged down without even realising it.
But we are all different. We all have different levels of what is acceptable to us.
Never judge someone and their life.
Often they are doing what they think is right.
OP is making steps now and needs our support.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

You left your first husband so he couldn't bully your child? Out of the frying pan, into the fire eh?
I cannot believe you allowed this to go on for so long. I have a 7 yo and the thought of moving someone into his home who resents him and bullies him is literally sickening to me. You're harming him every day you continue to choose the bullying, violent, abusive man you chose to stay with even though he is awful to your son. You think because he's a teen now it's too late to make any difference? Think again. The single best thing you could do for your kids is leave this man.

[Doodlebug300]

Please protect your children. You don't get a second chance to go back and do this right and protect them. They have to live with the effects forever. Stop kidding yourself that they are protected. They aren't.

[Joysmum]

I don't think you're weak, I think he's done such a number on you that you can't see that even one of your threads would be too much. Somebody put links to all of them. If he'd not done a number on you you'd see how it's vital for you and you kids that you extricate yourself from him. It's frustrating and everyone is trying ever tact possible to try and get you to see through the FOG.

Please, take care

[HolgerDanske]

Of course it's painful. We all want a happy ever after, especially for our children.

You'll do it. I think you'll know in the moment, when the time has come and I reckon it'll be soon.

You don't sound weak, you sound like a strong woman worn down by life. But that core of steel is still in there, you just have to dig a bit.

[TooMuchJD]

I left my 1st DH with only the clothes me & DS were wearing, I've been through the shit that is the family court system & cafcass so have not always been a weak minded arse like I appear.
Its probably due to this that I've stayed in this relationship longer than most women. I'm sorry if I seem detached, its not the case, I'm trying to be objective about it rather than a crying mess. I really hoped we'd grow old together but it seems more & more likely that I'm going to be a single parent again.
Not being whiny & self pitying.
Thanks to all who have replied to me

[Jan45]

OP, to satisfy your own optimism, give the talk once last chance and then decide to yourself it really is last chance saloon, you will regret it in later life if you continue to expose yourself and your children to this crap.

Your world will not fall apart if he leaves, just imagine the peace and quiet and happiness that will follow?

[Joysmum]

you're not* the

[Joysmum]

I appreciate that from the snapshot of the shit that's gone on over the last 4 years it doesn't look good, but it is not always this way

Sweetheart, please, once is too much. You're to the victim of one or two events.

You're the victim of an abusive relationship, worse than that your kids are too and you're wrong to believe otherwise.

[KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable]

Your DS is learning how to keep a woman. Your DH is being very successful at keeping you.

No matter what words you say to your son, what he sees is you staying and looking after this man.

You are teaching him what women should be expected to tolerate too.

You are teaching him what a woman wants in a man. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't stay would you?

[Jan45]

Your first sentence is `my dysfunctional relationship so you are admitting you are exposing your kids to a dysfunctional environment, how is that fair.

I'm actually getting pissed off at reading the various crap that they have been through already.

You clearly have no intentions of making their lives happier, you are too consumed with your own needs and wants, wanting us to tell you that yes it can work, it clearly cant.

[pocketsaviour]

When are you going to finally wake up, OP?

[pocketsaviour]

I have a good relationship with my DS1, especially considering he's in his mid teens now, we have always talked about what's going on and why

REALLY? What did that sound like I wonder?

"Son, I know my husband hates you and constantly criticises you, calls you wet and a mummy's boy and says he hopes your brother doesn't grow up to be like you. And I know he's been violent and abusive to me. But I'm staying with him, because being with a man is more important to me than your safety."

Was it like that?

[ouryve]

The lovely moments do not in any way compensate for the bits that are truly dire.

I don't think you need to have "the talk" in the way you are suggesting. For a start, you'll come out of it with a whole list of things that you need to do better, while he will simply be annoyed by it and not make any persistent changes of his own. Nothing will get better and it may well get worse because you've challenged him.

The only talk you need to be having is "OK, you've asked me whether I want to piss or get off the pot and it has to be the latter." If you truly cared fr each other, you would not have been able to detach for so long. Nor would you have wanted to.

[butterflygirl15]

there is no 'we' in rescuing this relationship. He is not going to change, it is up to you whether you will put up with this. And your kids will know what is going on and they will suffer for it, despite your protestations to the contrary.

You can minimise all you like, but someone in a good relationship does not post numerous threads over several years if everything is rosy. And from the snapshot you have given your relationship is rubbish and you should have left him years ago.

[cuppateaahhh]

Find somewhere to live, pack some clothes with kids and leave! He can throw as much shit at you as he wants but you can lock the door and leave him to it.

[Jan45]

For as long as you deny it being anything other than a shit relationship and a toxic atmosphere for your kids, you will never come out of it.

Throwing over a settee with you on it resulting in you banging your head is not normal, that's just one example out of many that do nothing but tell us you and him should not be together, it doesn't WORK.

[TeeManyMartoonis]

You sound quite distanced from the whole thing - as if you are talking about somebody else. Your poor children, this is no way to be being brought up.

Please don't come on here and ask for advice by saying 'it's really bad' and then say 'oh but there are good times' when people say 'leave him'. It is more than do-able for you to leave - women on here have left with literally nothing and I am always astonished at their bravery. Stop. Making. Excuses.

[TooMuchJD]

Pocket & Jan my children are protected from the shit as much as possible. I have a good relationship with my DS1, especially considering he's in his mid teens now, we have always talked about what's going on and why, I've been as honest as possible with him when these issues have arisen. It's hardly Jeremy Kyle standard - slight exaggeration there, however, I appreciate that from the snapshot of the shit that's gone on over the last 4 years it doesn't look good, but it is not always this way.

There is going to be shit either way, if we try and rescue the relationship, however futile this seems, there is still no guarantee it'll work out and if we decide to split I know for a fact the DH is not the forgiving type so am expecting lots of badmouthing to the kids from him. I may be wrong and painting him black but I doubt it.

Sadly its all bollocks and some element of hurt is going to happen either way

[Jan45]

Have just read some of the thread links, I really pity those two little kids stuck between you and him, you both need to split up and stop putting through your Jeremy Kyle lifestyle.

[pocketsaviour]

We have had many of these talks before and they never really resolve anything.

But you're going to have another one anyway.

Do you know what OP, you are in a far better position to leave than hundreds, no THOUSANDS of women who have abusive men in their lives but don't have a job, a bank account, or family to support them.

The longer you stay with this wanker, the more likely your DS1 is to cut you out of his life when he is older. You are letting him down so badly.