WWYD? So Confused Right Now

[TooMuchJD]

DH & I been together for 9 yrs, married for 8, 2 DC, 1 DC from prev. marriage (mine). Early marriage v. rocky, DH no idea how to live away from parents, immature and I gave too much of myself away to please him, DV incident 3 yrs ago, police involved but no charges & DH undertook anger management and has made efforts to change,
Plodded along for 2 yrs, good days/bad days, 2 lots of relationship counselling, came close to separating on more than one occasion.
I feel that my patience has finally run out and whilst I appreciate that he has made efforts to modify some of his behaviours (doesn't go out on all night drinking binges so much anymore) I feel I have lost all respect and tolerance for him and his mood swings/bad temper/selfishness/self absorbed behaviour. eg. will book his hols when me & DC are working & at school so he can have a proper break; will do cursory housework when off but moans if asked to do anything specific or out of the ordinary; moans when I take kids away for day during the school hols as he's slaving at work; feels that he should pay less than half towards household bills as we get tax credits and they should be used for that so he can have more of his wages for himself which he squanders on more stuff for himself.
I started new job 12 mths ago, went from working 2 days to 5 days a week, still do 95% of the housework/childcare I did before, new job has given me new perspective and thrown light on just how unhappy I am in our marriage. He regularly voices how unhappy he is but attempts to discuss it generally end in him shouting and bawling because I don't see things the way he does. Attributes statements to me which I have no recollection of; claims i haven't discussed stuff with him when I know that I have and when i go into detail about when/where conversation took place he just fudges the issue and calls me a liar (is happy to this in front of DC). I sometimes feel I should record all our conversations just so I can have evidence.
His relationship with DS1 from prev. marriage has always been a problem but a lot of the issues we are experiencing now stem from his crap behaviour in the 1st 4 yrs so now DS & me feel we have to be secretive in discussing anything, especially if it involves his dad. This then leads to being deceitful about stuff and makes more issues. Have tried to bring this into the open but DH then goes all Alpha male (my house, my rules).

I am not wholly blameless and can see that my past actions and the way I deal with things now are not perfect, I find myself overthinking things and then become indecisive about how to handle the, forget what I have promised myself I'll do next time iyswim??? Just so confused about if it is more him or if the things he says about me are really true and I am just so blinkered i can't see it, maybe I am the selfish one? Sorry for venting and not making much sense :(

[Bogeyface]

Emotional, financial and physical abuse alongside a nice dose of Gaslighting? All you are missing is sexual abuse to get the full house and I pray you dont get that.

I very rarely say LTB, I try to see the situation from both sides and offer a workable solution, but I dont see one here.

Get rid, as soon as possible. Please.

[Tartypants]

This sounds crap. If you're working and doing 95% of the childcare, and he's still grumpy, I don't think it's you. Calling you out in front of the kids is not OK whatever you've supposedly done. Have you seen the often recommended Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that'? I resisted reading this for ages but it was a real revelation, it's really worth a read. Pretty sure he's in there.

[wallypops]

Your marriage seems to have gone on long beyond its sell by date. Time to start preparing for a different future. Take the time to find a solicitor you like which can be harder than you imagine. Make a list of what needs to be done and start doing it. Copy paperwork, accounts etc

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Your marriage is basically a living help isn't it? And not only are you miserable and suffering but your kids are too. Come on, enough is enough surely?

[Madamecastafiore]

Sounds like he's your third child. Get rid. Find someone who wants to be your equal and a good role model to the kids.

If my DH booked a holiday when we couldn't go so he could have a 'proper rest' it would sure enough better to be a one way ticket. Selfish arsehole.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

living hell

[Eustasiavye]

The relationship between your h and your son would be enough to make me want to leave, never mind all the rest of it.

If he has never gotten along with your child then I doubt things will improve, relationships get harder as dcs become teenagers.
You need to start putting yourself and dcs first.

[AnyFucker]

It's ok for you to stop now. Let it go.

[Mostlyjustaluker]

The only vaguely positive comments you have made are he has tried to modify his behaviour, note tried not he has and he does go out on as many all night binges while you areat home looking after his kids. In my opinion these are negatives not positives.

In a classic MN questions - what positives do you get out of this relationship?

[imjustahead]

i wouldn't be in this marriage. sounds crap but YOU sound extremely not crap.
your dh is a child and quite a silly one.

be free

[maras2]

It never ceases to amaze me just how much crap some women put up with.Leave now love and have a decent rest of your life.Please.

[IfMaybeBut]

Your question was WWYD. I'd leave as soon as I could.

This marriage has no legs despite anything you've done or will do.

[IfMaybeBut]

Are you staying because you feel you will be worse off I.e. He's crap but at least he gives something now and again? I did that and when I left it was a revelation. Finances, mental health, happiness, kids happiness all got better.

[Justusemyname]

I have no idea what I would do but I would advise you to leave. I can't see he brings anything to the table unless you've missed out on the gold credit card he gives you or the earth shattering sex you have. Neither of which are worth staying with this dickhead for btw.

[AlternativeTentacles]

You only get one life - why spend it with some knobhead?

[sumoweeble]

I too think you should leave. You've already tried the things that can help when a relationship is troubled but worth saving such as couples counselling and getting him to seek help for his anger. You still sound desperately unhappy and with good reason from your description of his behaviour. You've already fought hard to save this relationship but he has not changed to the extent required and you have suffered greatly in the process. Your son and other child are also caught up in what sounds like an unhealthy relationship dynamic at its best and unequivocal emotional and physical abuse at worse times. None of you deserve this. I hope I would leave. I hope you leave.

[tribpot]

You've fallen into the trap of 'he's not hitting me therefore it's fine'. It isn't.

You also fell into the trap of working p-t when the f-t earner had no respect for you or what your contribution to the family was. Fortunately this means when you leave (and it is when, isn't it?) you won't find it harder managing all the house stuff and work on your own - in fact not dealing with him will make your life significantly better.

Look at what you're settling for. Would you honest want one of your own children in a relationship this crap?

[Penfold007]

You met and married very quickly, the marriage seems to have exhausted its self. His treatment of your son would be enough for me to kick him into touch never mind the 'proper rest' holidays

[GoatsDoRoam]

What are the practical and emotional barriers stopping you from leaving this man?

Maybe we can help you overcome those.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Please call Womens Aid.
You are being abused, no doubt about that.
They will help you to understand things.
Please then contact CAB and find out how you would be financially as a single parent.
Solicitor for free half hour to understand about assets.
See how much child maintenance you would be entitled to.
I honestly believe you will be financially better off without this knob head sucking you dry.
You've reached the point of no return.
You KNOW this is wrong. You KNOW this not your fault.
Get out now and find some happiness.
As a PP said, you get one life. Live it with happiness and without an abuser dragging you down.

[TooMuchJD]

Thanks for all your support. I think I have "known" for a while that we've tried and failed but the eternal optimist in me keeps thinking "if this changes or that changes things will improve" but I have ran out of steam.

I can understand why he now thinks I am being arsey & unsupportive as I have emotionally disengaged from his drama and am no longer trying to smooth the path of his life, he's having to deal with his own problems for himself and he's not happy about it, can't understand why I am being so unreasonable, especially about money - I have to control it and hide any extra cash or he fritters it away on shit. I will admit that I have concentrated more on the DC than him but when this was brought up in counselling we started setting aside Saturday afternoons to have a few hours just the two of us but it generally ended up with going to the local and me being the designated driver or going for walks with the dog but I always walked too fast, went on only the muddy routes or some such nonsense.

Now I have started to examine it (and vented to some lovely ladies in RL this morning about just how bad it was) I feel such a dickhead for having tolerated his behaviour so long. I have been a single parent before and know we we'll cope one way or the other, our house is rented, everything is in my name bills wise (could be few minor issues there). The real issues will centre around the 2 younger DC. He has a peevish, nasty streak and won't hesitate to bad mouth me to them or make access arrangements as difficult as possible, he is that kind of selfish person - of course it will be all my fault.

[AnyFucker]

whatever you do it will always be your "fault"

[GoatsDoRoam]

Good that you spoke to people IRL - that is invaluable validation, much better than what we here can do on-line.

And great that you know that you can cope as a single parent!

As for this:
He has a peevish, nasty streak and won't hesitate to bad mouth me to them or make access arrangements as difficult as possible, he is that kind of selfish person

Yes, that's right, he will be as obstructive as he can. It's to be expected, and you can't stop him behaving as the selfish person he is. All you can do is to be firm and consistent, and true to your own needs and your own values. Your DC will respond best, over time, to the parent in their lives who is consistent in words and actions, and is there for them.

Get your financial ducks in a row, and instruct a solicitor. They are worth the money, as they can deal with whatever obstructive bullshit your stbxh comes up with on the neutral field of the law.

[TooMuchJD]

Well, DH must be auditioning for "Dad of the Year". Has been model parent since came home. Hasn't spoken to me but has washed the dishes then played with the kids. Does this everytime, no mention of yesterday's row at all, just sour look on his face. Does this everytime, in couple of days he'll deny that the row was as bad as I'm making it out to be or go on a big guilt trip about how I'm forcing him to leave and responsible for breaking the family up. Just getting the silent treatment now.
So pissed off right now.

[CrispyFern]

Don't have this as the blueprint of marriage for the DC, your three children are learning that partnership is about sourness, about lies, about being mean, about unfairness, about one partner smoothing things over for the other always.