"What's your job situation?"

[NoMoreMrRight]

How would feel if someone you've just started messaging online dating asked you the above on their second ever message to you (and their first question about you)?.

I have 3DC which I've briefly mentioned on my profile. My profile is eloquent, smart book choices etc but admittedly no mention on my profession.

Trying to ascertain if I'm being too defensive/jaded (likely; been OLD for over two years and have mostly encountered vanishers/liars) and wrong in wanting someone who doesn't think that what I do for a living defines me and/or is primarily interested in how much I earn.

Hair No one is being put off here. He's sent a couple of winks since his last message in fact as I haven't responded yet. I only mentioned my career as making a point that I'm happy with where I am with it; someone unhappy with theirs might be slightly defensive about questions like that which would be understandable.

And no, I'm not 'very hard work'. I have in fact like a PP subsided someone I dated for a period of months as he was a penniless student, so no it's not something I primarily use to determine whether I like someone or not.

Enough & whirpool I agree with you both. .. especially after him asking repeatedly, and just about that.

I don't think he was checking if she was after his cash, cos that doesn't fit with him saying about his own high flying job!

I do have mail friends though (friends so I trust they're not arses or paranoid!) who have felt very much like they've been scoped out for income, with OLD.

If I was in some high-powered job - which presumably took years of graft to get - then I'd wanted to know that a potential online match wasn't some bum on benefits or jockeying the till at the local Iceland.

Some guys will be happy to date a woman who works part-time for pin money, or who work full-time in a job but doesn't see it as a career - but others don't.

He was trying to establish that so as not to waste your time.

But you've got so defensive that it's clearly a hot button issue for you, and I'm wondering why?

Do you have a job you're not proud of? Or are your circumstances such that you don't work at all, or in a role you're not happy with?

One if you read upthread you'll see my comment about being happy with where my career is at the moment.

It's not the fact that he asked. It's the manner in which it was delivered, and the zero interest on anything about me other than my job situation.

I earn much more than my husband and have earnt more than almost all my boyfriends as well. DH is not a "bum" thanks. It's our 9 year wedding anniversary today and we are very happy.

Some people are simply not interested in money and find it odd when others place that so highly in a conversation, before even what a person is like, shared interests, whether you have a similar sense of humour, all that stuff. I find the "what do you do" question boring and judgemental, for most people all it reveals is their income level, which is why it is asked isn't it, and that says more about the person asking IMO.

No need to be so rude and aggressive about people who have priorities above finding out whether someone earns a few quid or not.

People get really upset when others don't share their values, don't they.

"I don't really care about money and I'm not that keen on people who think that it's one of the most important things about a person"

"OMG you are awful! You have a chip on your shoulder! Is there something wrong with your life to make you this way!" & etc

Anyway. OP I think he sounds like a dick, bin him

Yes to this ^^

He's already been binned Whirpool

Maybe you should check out the guys in your local Iceland

Horses for courses isn't it, everyone looks for different things in partners. Good luck with the next one OP! I've never tried OLD but it sounds like a bit of a nightmare all round.

Hehe! And yes it's a nightmare, but no other ways to meet men sadly. ....

Does everyone stay indoors these days?

Course if you've got kids who are still youngish it restricts your going out options.

My friend had a go at old without much success and we had a good night looking at tinder in the pub!

Not everyone who asks about jobs has interest in money. I work in an arts-related job with lots of passionate people. None of us earn much. But we are all interested in our work and others' work and we all feel our work is interesting. I probably wouldn't date somebody who wasn't into his work or study but it wouldn't matter a jot what his income level was.

Most people when they say "what do you do?" or even worse "what does your husband do" are not hoping for an interesting answer, they are trying to find out how well off you are, maybe what "sort" of people you are.

Honestly, it's true!

People often ask me what my husband does, I always find it an odd question. Then when I tell them they don't ask any questions or anything, they look as if they have got what they wanted to know.

FWIW if I meet someone through work I ask, because there is likelihood of shared companies, people in common, stuff that's going on that we could chat about. That's different though, strangers are pretty unlikely to be moving in the same work circles as you, and honestly that's not why most people ask.

I ask it, and only as an easy conversation starter - nothing more.

And no-one has EVER asked what my husband does!!!

I think it's a normal thing to ask and want to know about someone when you are chatting on OLD. I think you are being oversensitive.

People ask me at work all the time "what does your husband do"!

I always assume they are trying to work out what our family set up is ie whether I am main earner, is he working, does he have higher paid/lower paid job. When I tell them what he does it never leads to an interesting conversation, when I expand on his role they look really uninterested! Even though it's way more interesting than what we do. So I think, why bloody ask me in the first place!

Or is it disinterested...

Anyway

I've made a point of not asking people what they do for abut 20 years but I am aware it's considered a normal question, so I'm well aware it's just me!

I think he's a nosey git and wants to weigh-up if you are worthy of him. In these circumstances - ie. SO soon, I think it's crass and bad mannered.

This is (IME) a standard opening line for recruitment agents when calling about some shit marvellous opportunity they have. Make of that what you will.

So, purely for research purposes, I replied with a description of what I do (senior level mgt in a well known multinational; on paper higher than his 'high flying self employed management consultant' in my eyes. And yes, I'm proud of myself for having gotten where I am). I also added that I'm currently on a voluntary sabbatical spending time with DC following a challenging divorce.

He's just messaged "best of luck in your search". Nothing else.

I should really start listening to my gut feeling more. It's rarely wrong. Jerk.

What a weirdo.

NEXT!

Do you think he was after a millionaire or someone who didn't work or what

I mean not that you care, but your job sounds great, why would that put him off.

I reckon he wanted someone to bat their eyelids at the big strong man with his massive erm earning power.

Ah, so he actually originally used the term 'high flying'?
what a nob!

Haha, I wonder if he was expecting you to say you worked part time in Next, or something. I wonder if he feels he'd be out of his depth with you. Or at least he wouldn't be able to impress you with his flannel...

May well have been put off by your declaration of a challenging divorce. If you don't feel ready to go back to work it could be taken as a sign you're not ready to date yet. I'd not take the risk either I'm afraid, nothing to do with your job