"What's your job situation?"

[NoMoreMrRight]

How would feel if someone you've just started messaging online dating asked you the above on their second ever message to you (and their first question about you)?.

I have 3DC which I've briefly mentioned on my profile. My profile is eloquent, smart book choices etc but admittedly no mention on my profession.

Trying to ascertain if I'm being too defensive/jaded (likely; been OLD for over two years and have mostly encountered vanishers/liars) and wrong in wanting someone who doesn't think that what I do for a living defines me and/or is primarily interested in how much I earn.

Cabrinha Yes, spot on re OLD. I am jaded, and I have zero intolerance re bs due to past experiences. A necessary evil I guess. ..

It's hard, isn't it?

I got to the point (ridiculously quickly, really) where I'd get the "you have a message" email, and even without reading it, instead of my gut reaction being "ooooooh!" my guy said "what version of arsehole is this one going to be?"

When you start wanting to reply with "fuck off", you know you're not in the right frame of mind!

Haha!! Yes, I do that too! "Ok let's see what loser has bothered to type an imaginative 'hi' as opening message this time".

I've even started to resent the effort involved in typing the passcode on my phone which I realise is completely ridiculous. ..

I can entirely understand feeling annoyed at him but I think the OP handled it poorly too. He sounds a bit of a twat and certainly shouldn't have asked that question is such in insisting manner so early on. But she could have responded with a light hearted comment...I would just leave it to be honest.

Surely the first few messages should be fun and a little flirty whilst you get to know someone ? Or is that not what OLD is about these days?!

It should be MM, however hard to do that when 90% of the first messages you receive are 'hi hun', 'you look pretty' or 'I'm willing to marry someone on this site' (yep; he was a keeper)

I think he phrased it very formally but it is reasonable to ask someone what they do early on in a conversation. And it depends on what is important to you.

If a guy tells me he is a scaffolder and lives 30 miles away, I know its a non-starter.

I don't see what the problem is tbh. I work hard and always have done for the things I own, I want to know someone has got the same work ethic as I do. What they do is less important than the fact they have a similar outlook to me. It's not about money or what they own and earn because the high flyers I have dated have been complete dick heads and I've binned them.

I have to say, I ask very early on what someone does for a living. I like my life, want to live it the way I do now, and don't really want to meet someone who either needs me to pay for them, or who limits what I would like to do with a partner. I did that for three years, and ended up with them owing me in the region of £10k. I would rather be single, and yes, I may miss out on some wonderful people but I am willing to take that risk.

If I don't like a question someone asks when OLD, then I say outright that they will have to wait until I know them a little better. It doesn't happen often - you need to be up front I believe. And giving that information will often lead to the other person opening up (which can be good or bad!)

Although I stopped talking to a man who, when he found out that I had a property in another country, told me my ex husband must have been rich (I have my own money, through my own hard work and it was nothing to do with my ex husband!)

I would have binned him after that too fait. I dismissed one who returned after holiday asking whether I had 'found someone to fund my three children's education yet'

Yeah, I'd have binned for that too.

'Hi hun you look pretty'?!!! Tell me you are kidding. Please.

I have never done OLD but any guy remotely normal must have plenty of success if that's the standard?

I see no problem either re: talking about his job.

I'm looking for a partner whose life experiences have things in common with mine, is all. I wouldn't date someone who couldn't match me (or there abouts) financially - should we end up together in the long term, I wouldn't be willing to fund them or compromise my current lifestyle.

Mystery, "you look pretty" sounds like a keeper compared to some of the messages I used to get!

Usually just "Hi hun" or "wanna chat?"

NoMore I think you might have been a bit hasty if I'm honest, but I know you have to do some culling to get through the bullshit. However, you could be throwing out the baby with the bathwater if you are cutting people off for such minor irritations. Maybe it's time to take a break from OLD for a while?!

FWIW my first message from DP was very formal and straight. He had a cute photo, but I wasn't 100% sure about him. However, I had a night off coming up so we arranged a date and it turned out I fancied the pants off him and he is very funny and relaxed, nothing like he sounded from his message. Perhaps you need to give the benefit of the doubt to someone until you meet face to face as I don't think typed words really convey enough about someone.

I am obviously naive! It all sounds a bit hilarious...I should try it sometime!

"Hi hun you look pretty"

Is an improvement on "hey sexy" or "u wanna chat" or (my favourite opening gambit from someone reasonably local) "u bizy dis evenin?"

at u bizy dis evenin

Look on the positive side, you don't need to ask him what he does for a living with that line. .

I'd want to know somebody's job. I would have to be madly in love with someone who regularly worked off shore or abroad for example or had no control over postings (eg forces, oil workers).
If I already knew someone was a single parent to three kids I'd be more nervous of saying my usual "what do you do for work" as I'd be aware working might not be easy/possible for them.

I love my work and am passionate about what I do and my field. I couldn't date someone who thought it was a waste of time/money.

BUT - lots of people don't care about work, either their own or other people's. Best that those people don't date the people who are passionate about their work.

Talking about jobs is standard conversation so why be offended?

Surely if meeting a new match you want to ensure you have the same interests and outlook on life and work is part of that.

Maybe he can't be asked with the bollocks chit chat, and just wants to know if you're compatible.

Did he really describe his career in that way - 'high flying' or whatever it is you said? Or did he just say what he does and you've decided it's that?

And so what if he did - maybe he's proud of himself for whatever reason (as you sound, with your 'successful and established' remark) - maybe he dragged himself up, did well despite the odds. I guess you'll never know.

You clearly judge people on their work op - so why are you judging others that do the same?

Fwiw you sound very hard work. Maybe that's putting people off

Oh the "hi hun" / "you look sexy/pretty" stuff is standard. That covers easily 50% of the opening lines I get. More, I think.

Unless a profile really grabs me, I ignore any "hi" openers.

I get that many don't reply so you're not going to go all out with a personalised essay. But if you can't find ONE THING to say about my profile "hi - nice pic - looks like it was taken on a holiday?" for example, not "hi - nice photo" then I just leave it.

I would think he's checking whether you'd be after his money. Simple as.

I avoid asking people what they "do" as it's always felt like a short cut to classify people and let's be fair that's usually what it is.

I am aware I am a little unusual in this and most people see it as a standard question!

My read on your one op is that he was either trying to find out if you'd be after his cash, or he was asking so you would ask back and he could show off about his "high flying" job.