Things falling apart a bit

[Ephelant]

I'm in desperate need of some advice. Last night my DP had an instant message conversation with a female friend and I read it, mainly because I know he talks very candidly with her in ways he won't so much with me and I am concerned for his mental health at the moment and for our relationship. I know I shouldn't have but I just can't get him to talk to me.
Anyway what I gleaned from it is that he tried to take an overdose of paracetamol without my ever knowing around the time our ds was born (3 years ago) because he couldn't face the idea of being with me forever. He said he feels 'distant from that memory now' but goes on to say he has trapped himself into caring for me (I have had health issues but not to that extent and have made big steps forward). He shared some very confidential stuff that I won't go into on here as well. Some lines had been deleted but I gather he made comments about my weight as I have put on probably a couple of stone unfortunately which he knows I'm trying hard to lose. I think he said he doesn't want to have sex because of my weight - based on her response, I don't know for sure though.

It just feels like there was just no love coming through in anything he said. I also gather that they have probably slept together at some point but that was before we got together (she is married). I think he has always idealised her and after reading this last night I just suddenly felt "oh. He really doesn't love me." we've had our issues but I did think he loved me, now I think he is staying mainly for our son. I don't want to confront him with what I've read because it would just get awful and I also want to keep things stable for ds, that is my absolute priority. I'm not even particularly angry about what I've read but just feel as if I'm seeing a new and rather sad reality about the two of us. I hope it can get better but not sure if that's realistic or what to do really.

My son didn't see or hear it. I don't think it's wrong of him to show emotions, I don't think he could help it which is why I tried to comfort him. I would have felt such a bitch if I'd just done nothing.

But yes it does feel as if it's about his feelings more than mine at the moment.

I should also say, he is quite a vulnerable person. Genuinely. I have wondered before if he may have some kind of condition like mild aspergers.

Stop feeling sorry for him and think back to the original conversation, This man is NOT your friend, he has shown you no loyalty when discussing you and when challenged has turned it all back on you.
Please don't settle for being second best to this woman, he can't have her so he is with you and doesn't want to be alone, That sounds harsh but it seems true.
At present his manipulation and emotional outburst is to reel you back into place--stop falling for it please

There's nothing wrong in showing emotion , no. Displaying emotion that puts you in the role of victim and ensures the focus on you is a different story. I believe you are dealing with a manipulater.

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/eighteasyways.shtml

But as far as he's concerned, it IS all about him. If it was about you, or about the two of you as a couple, he would have apologized for turning outside your marriage to solve an issue within your marriage.

If he was feeling 'burdened' or 'overwhelmed' by your needs (and I'm NOT saying your needs aren't reasonable or that you shouldn't expect your partner to be there for you), then he should have sought counseling or help from someone other than an 'old flame'.

There is nothing wrong with showing emotion, if it is a true emotion. If he had been crying with sorrow because he had hurt you so badly and/or betrayed your marriage's private business to an outsider then that's a true emotion. Crying because he doesn't want to lose you is a selfish emotion, obviously, because it left you feeling sorry for him. He hurts, he needs comforting, he doesn't want to split. He, he, he!! Well, boo fucking hop for him. What about YOU, love. What about you and what you are feeling? I haven't seen you mention one word about his remorse or worry about YOU.

Please, I beg you, please think about YOURSELF. It's obvious he isn't. I know it's hard to be strong. I know it's hard to face losing something you thought was good. But please, think about you and your happiness.

That should be "boo fucking HOO". Damn autocorrect, ruins another high dudgeon!

I quite liked boo fucking hop
And I know you are right. I've contacted Relate to go and see them individually. I think it's going to take me a while to see things straight, it's almost like reality has tilted sideways atm.

It will take time. I do think individually is the way to go for now. I don't know about 'sideways' but I do think your relationship is a bit 'lopsided'. I think both of you need to decide what you want for your own lives. Only then can you figure out if you are both 'walking the same path' as it were. Remember that the aim of counseling is to find out what the best resolution is for both of you as individuals and as a couple. Sometimes it's to stay together, sometimes it's to split up.

One thing to remember, something that was good for us when we were in counseling and was insisted on by our counselor; you must agree that what is discussed by each of you in individual counseling is NEVER to be discussed by the two of you alone. Neither of you is to ask what the other talked about. Nor should either of you mention what the counselor said about the other. A counselor may suggest actions or things for YOU to do to improve or change things, that's fine. But if, for example, your counselor were to say they think DH is 'a bit selfish', that's for YOU to contemplate, not to bring up to him. In joint counseling, our counselor made us agree that the things we discussed there were not to be 'rehashed' outside of the sessions, not until we had gotten a good handle on the issue and a way to deal with it.

Perhaps he has just blocked you and wants to check you can no longer see/access his stuff?

Sobbing and making you feel sorry for them is another well know tactic along with turning it on you.

It appeals to the feeling you have for them and wanting them to feel better so you stop doing what you are doing to make them feel bad.

There is nothing wrong with him showing emotion, unless he's using it to stop you from having the proper adult conversation that you need and deserve, by bursting into tears / having a panic attack whenever you try and bring it up.