Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Things falling apart a bit

86 replies

Ephelant · 05/08/2015 12:12

I'm in desperate need of some advice. Last night my DP had an instant message conversation with a female friend and I read it, mainly because I know he talks very candidly with her in ways he won't so much with me and I am concerned for his mental health at the moment and for our relationship. I know I shouldn't have but I just can't get him to talk to me.
Anyway what I gleaned from it is that he tried to take an overdose of paracetamol without my ever knowing around the time our ds was born (3 years ago) because he couldn't face the idea of being with me forever. He said he feels 'distant from that memory now' but goes on to say he has trapped himself into caring for me (I have had health issues but not to that extent and have made big steps forward). He shared some very confidential stuff that I won't go into on here as well. Some lines had been deleted but I gather he made comments about my weight as I have put on probably a couple of stone unfortunately which he knows I'm trying hard to lose. I think he said he doesn't want to have sex because of my weight - based on her response, I don't know for sure though.

It just feels like there was just no love coming through in anything he said. I also gather that they have probably slept together at some point but that was before we got together (she is married). I think he has always idealised her and after reading this last night I just suddenly felt "oh. He really doesn't love me." we've had our issues but I did think he loved me, now I think he is staying mainly for our son. I don't want to confront him with what I've read because it would just get awful and I also want to keep things stable for ds, that is my absolute priority. I'm not even particularly angry about what I've read but just feel as if I'm seeing a new and rather sad reality about the two of us. I hope it can get better but not sure if that's realistic or what to do really.

OP posts:
CognitiveIllusion · 06/08/2015 18:46

Agree with Across. If you do feel that you need to talk about the messages, do not allow him to turn it all into your fault! OK so you shouldn't have read them, but the fact that he sent them in the first place is far far worse than what you did!

newstart15 · 06/08/2015 18:50

I think you are not over reacting, it is very significant that he is over sharing with a female friend.

I also think he has passive aggressive behaviour - this is a useful site as it discusses ways of expressing anger in a healthy way
www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

Original poster
Ephelant · 06/08/2015 20:52

Thank you for the link, I've had a look and definitely see some, tho not all, of DP in there. Looks like some good advice too.
Even tonight...he does this thing of asking me to do something then immediately saying "oh it's fine, I'll do it". Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Ephelant · 06/08/2015 21:00

I don't remember him being like this before. I think it's just he's not happy with me and this is his way of (not) dealing with it.

OP posts:
CognitiveIllusion · 06/08/2015 22:22

It does sound a bit like someone who is almost looking for a reason to get irritated with you.

Original poster
Ephelant · 06/08/2015 22:39

He's in bed, I'm awake. I'm lonely, there's a cold feeling in my stomach. He doesn't love me. I think he doesn't. I don't know for sure, how can I know? Is it really this bad between us?

OP posts:
CognitiveIllusion · 06/08/2015 22:43

Oh, OP Sad. You sound so sad. Here's a hand to hold, hope you're ok.

Original poster
Ephelant · 06/08/2015 23:06

Thank you so much. I'm going to try to get some sleep and hope things look better in the morning.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2015 00:12

I can't read his mind. Neither can you. But I can tell you this, an honourable man, if he was that unhappy, would be a man and tell you truthfully that he was unhappy. He wouldn't sulk, turn things back on you, nor get involved with another woman, even if that 'involvement' wasn't physical. An honourable man would either ask for both of you to go to counseling, or he would tell you the truth and help the two of you to end your marriage with dignity and compassion.

TendonQueen · 07/08/2015 00:21

If you try and stick it out for your DS, that's another 15 years of this. Far better to make the break now and then in a couple of years parenting separately will, as a pp said, have become the norm for your DS. He can start school on that basis and just get on with things. It'll be ok.

Original poster
Ephelant · 07/08/2015 20:50

I've been rereading and thinking about all the messages on here. I've tried to gently bring it up with DP but not got far.
To complicate things we have all been ill with a sickness bug ds has had a couple of days, and DP has been diagnosed with shingles on his head...very painful. He's down atm which may have something to do with the messages too.
So I am going to give it some time and talk to him when it feels right and when I'm feeling more sure of what I want.
I do know this has changed things between us and I won't accept anything less than dealing with it properly. It looks likely to me now that we will separate at least temporarily although I have no idea how we will afford to, we're a month or so into one year's joint tenancy so I don't know happens there.
I'm also going to seek out some more counselling and help for my own issues and particularly getting my head round all this.
So that's my update for now, thank you to everyone, I will check back again soon.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2015 22:25

Yes, do get counseling, it will be good for you and help you decide what's best for you and your son.

Good luck.

Original poster
Ephelant · 08/08/2015 07:57

Thanks. Are Relate the best ones to go for do you think?

OP posts:
CognitiveIllusion · 08/08/2015 08:17

I have no experience of Relate, but DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago which was great for improving our communication.

Good luck Ephelant.

Original poster
Ephelant · 08/08/2015 12:15

I told him what I read. It just came out really, he knew something was up. His response is that the issue here is his privacy and he was just in a bad mood when he said those things. I'm the one in the wrong, there's "no excuse". I just said the only way I could find out what he was thinking is by reading something like that.
No apology for what he said, it was just dismissed as "people sometimes say things to other people that isn't everything they think all the time". He wouldn't read my private messages etc.
What now? We're both feeling ill and I don't want to have an argument in front of ds.
I just feel his response is inadequate really. My overriding feeling atm is that I want him gone.

OP posts:
CognitiveIllusion · 08/08/2015 12:41

He's using this an excuse to put you in the wrong. You need to tell him that if he is committed to your marriage then he MUST allow you to talk to him about what was said. Every time he brings up the privacy thing repeat "it doesn't matter who's in the right or wrong - you for writing those messages or me for reading them. Let's stop blaming each other. The important thing going forwards is that if you, or I, are unhappy then we can't keep brushing it under the carpet. We need to talk about the future of our marriage". What time does DS go to bed?

DorisDazzler · 08/08/2015 12:46

I'd be surprised if he talks positively about you to others , and only bashes you to this woman. He's told some whopping lies to her to make himself look like the victim. I'd tell him if he's that miserable he s welcome to leave.

Original poster
Ephelant · 08/08/2015 12:56

Hopefully ds will be in bed by about 7:30 and we can talk properly.
He's just collapsed (literally) in tears saying he doesn't want to split up and what he said was not the full story. The OD attempt he says was just at a particularly difficult time. Very upsetting to see him like that. I hope we can sort things out but as emotional as he is now, he still said all those things about me...So how do I get past that?

OP posts:
DorisDazzler · 08/08/2015 13:13

I think a better question would be what is HE going to do to get you past it ?

DorisDazzler · 08/08/2015 13:32

There really does seem to be only you trying to improve things here , reading books , initiating conversations , suggesting counselling. In comparison he behaves like a petulant teenager refusing to discuss things and clearly perceives himself to be a victim. His response to your latest conversation is to once again act like the victim with the poor me tearfest.

I'd do the 180 on him Op. He's no husband to you at all.

SugarOnTop · 08/08/2015 14:29

so he's basically still in love with his old flame and still emotionally involved with her....you were just a convenient distraction who ended up 'trapping' him into a relationship/life he doesn't really want, and he's made that clear to the only person who really matters to him - her.

i guess he has it very cushy right now living with you and it would be too much hard work for him to take responsibility for creating the kind of life he wants......so he'd rather carry on being an arse and then blame you for daring to expect to be treated like a partner?? When it becomes obvious that he can't put you back in your box that way he turns on the waterworks and emotional blackmail? Hmm

he's showing you his true colours op, has done for ages but you ignored them. he's never been that invested in you or your relationship. It's her who still has number 1 spot in his heart and life.

i think you're suggestion of a trial separation is the best thing. it might make him realise your worth - but i doubt it. by the way- does the OW's husband know that his wife and this prat are still conducting a 'close and exclusive' relationship despite them moving away and agreeing that it was out of order?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2015 15:04

It's as I said. He tried to turn it back on you instead of accepting fault for sending such a horrid message to another woman.

OK, fine. HE doesn't want to split. So, what is HE going to do about that? Put the ball firmly back in HIS court. Step back and let HIM deal with the fallout of what HE did.

Original poster
Ephelant · 08/08/2015 15:24

You all sound so sure about everything. Atm I'm just hiding out in the bathroom as it's the only place I can get some privacy. I feel so bad as ds leapt up and crunched my cheek with his head (he does this a lot and his head is SO hard and Heavy!) and I basically shrieked at him and ran in here.
DP tried to take my phone off me to do something unspecified...said that it was ok for me to read his private messages ie why shouldn't he? I normally wouldn't care but I've admitted I have been posting on here and I don't really want him reading the whole thread.
Anyway apparently he just wanted to check on my Facebook that his account is gone - he has deactivated it (was using chat function on there with this woman). Not that I asked him to or wanted that. Oh well, he doesn't use it for much. But I feel like it was unconstructive. I think in an earlier post I said that I thought he would imply that I was taking away his freedom, friendship etc and it feels like this gesture is maybe meant to say that obliquely.
I do feel sorry for him, he was literally sobbing earlier and looked like he was having some kind of panic attack, plus the shingles are on his head and really painful. I totally get that he feels like poo and this has just made it worse. Probably should have waited but it felt weird holding it in, him not knowing what I knew and me silently judging him and being upset or a bit of a martyr myself. I don't want to play that game.
Ugh. Very mixed up. I think he genuinely regrets it...or me discovering it? He seems devastated actually. I held him for a bit as couldn't stand to see him so distressed but I don't want to just get caught up in his emotions at the expense of having an adult conversation, if that's even possible for us Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Ephelant · 08/08/2015 15:28

OR maybe deleting Facebook is meant to show me that it won't and can't happen again. But without actually talking to me about any of this...sigh. It feels manipulative although I doubt he consciously means it that way.

OP posts:
DorisDazzler · 08/08/2015 15:51

Collapsing in tears , sobbing , panic attacks ect how utterly ridiculous and dramatic. Where is your son while these emotional outbursts are happening ? I wouldn't expect that from my teenager. How on earth has this become about him and his feelings and why are you pandering to it and holding him ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread