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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you get past this?

94 replies

RuffDiamond · 05/08/2015 09:11

Name changed. I won't give TMI but DH has, a number of times, done something in bed I do not enjoy and i asked him not to do it again. He has since tried to do it but I have swatted him off with a stern no.

However, last night he bloody did it again! I told him straightaway that I do not like what he does and please don't do it again.

He didn't seem remorseful and I was not happy about it and felt violated so went to sleep in the other room which he huffed about. I sent him a message telling him it was not ok what he did.

He came straight in and apologised profusely, said he thought I enjoyed it and it would never happen again.

Would you forgive this?

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/08/2015 17:08

^DH has, a number of times, done something in bed I do not enjoy and i asked him not to do it again. He has since tried to do it but I have swatted him off with a stern no.
However, last night he bloody did it again!^

How did you miss the bit where she clearly didn't consent?

Joysmum · 05/08/2015 17:40

I think Liver has a point which is why I asked earlier whether there was a clear no, rather than an 'I'm not in the mood.'

It's something I've been exploring in my sessions about my rape and is very useful (although difficult) in exploring, not from a blame yourself point of view but from gaining a clear understanding yourself that your partner knows full well your views and therefore really is committing sexual assault/rape.

That's a hard thing to come to terms with but the sooner women can do reach realization the sooner they can take action.

FenellaFellorick · 05/08/2015 21:47

how on earth did he think you liked it after you repeatedly told him you didn't?

He is so full of shit.

He knew you didn't like it but he didn't care because he wanted to do that to your body regardless how you felt about it.

He should at least be honest about that instead of pretending he doesn't understand what "stop that I don't like it" means.

PoundingTheStreets · 05/08/2015 21:58

Ruff - I hope you're ok. I think you've posted this because you know you have a lot of thinking to do about your relationship and this is simply the catalyst. I wish you all the best working through it.

This sort of behaviour is a MASSIVE red flag. Wanting to experiment with sex? Perfectly ok? A little bit embarrassed at talking about it and so tend to wait until you've had a drink/are getting frisky before you tentatively start trying something and wait for a reaction? Also ok. However...

If you get a less than ecstatic response, only an idiot or someone who doesn't give a damn about their sexual partner would continue again without asking permission. In fact most people would assume it's a no. If you love someone and care about them - and if you have any pride at all - you will want them to be having just as good a time in the bedroom as you are and would be horrified if you did something they actively disliked. Sad

Newtobecomingamum · 05/08/2015 22:03

I've just read this thread and so sorry to hear this OP. What I hate and is not helpful for OP is reading people continuously attacking someone... Liver didn't bloody kill anyone, was only saying what she thought of the situation and apologised that she may have read it differently. There are too many threads where people jump on someone and gang up, bloody ridiculous.
Anyway OP, as with what others have said your husbands behaviour was out of order, serous and alarm bells should be ringing. This is a sexual assult and could this lead to anything further in the future? I would be thinking about leaving this man.

Newtobecomingamum · 05/08/2015 22:03

Serious

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 05/08/2015 22:08

The fact that you have told him several times and he STILL has another go is completely unacceptable. Does he think he can bully you into this.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/08/2015 22:12

I would wonder if he's attempting to go further - that if eventually you didn't object for whatever reason, he'd try something more. He may have read it on a shitty 'lads' site, or maybe just has a shitty idea that you can be broken in like a horse.

Tell him straight out that you are not interested in anal sex or anal play, and whatever else you feel like telling him. But if he persists in treating you like a pliable sex toy he has no respect for you as a person.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/08/2015 22:15

Has he asked you to do the same to him? That would be my other guess - that he's hoping that if he does this to you, you'll reciprocate... Not that that excuses anything. You need to have a very honest talk with him.

Original poster
RuffDiamond · 05/08/2015 22:45

I do do the same to him. I made it clear I don't like it myself

OP posts:
Original poster
RuffDiamond · 05/08/2015 23:02

We had another chat about it and he said I have never said as forceful a no as I have said that night.

I challenged him and said 'so I have never said I don't like it? Am I in the wrong then?'

An he said no, he was. He said he got the message loud and clear

OP posts:
BoxOfKittens · 05/08/2015 23:05

I've had the conversation with my boyfriend about one or two things to never try, ever. He feels the same way about it himself, but if it was something he wanted to do and went ahead after me specifically telling him that this is not something I want to partake in, ever? I'd lose trust entirely and would not want to have sex with him anymore. It would change many of my feelings towards him and who I think he is as a person. So no, I could not get past this I dont think

Original poster
RuffDiamond · 05/08/2015 23:10

I don't think DH cares or he wouldn't have done it ????

OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 05/08/2015 23:11

I think I would find the dishonesty of pretending he didn't understand how much you disliked it as upsetting and disrespectful as the act in question. Sad

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/08/2015 23:26

No I couldn't get past it. Numerous times he has attempted to do something to your body that you have made it clear you don't want. There is no dressing it up this is abuse.
If my dp did this he would be history. I don't want to scare or alarm but heaven forbid but it could be rape you suffer one day, at his hands. He is hardly good at taking no for an answer is he.

wotoodoo · 05/08/2015 23:37

This is a case of the stronger partner 'getting off' on doing something he knows full well will cause distress, hurt and misery for the other partner. The fact that the weaker partner vehemently made their feelings known gives the stronger partner an adrelanine rush knowing full well he has the power to over ride the other's wishes.

Why am I calling one stronger the other weaker? Because it is a power struggle and the stronger partner is effectively flexing his muscles, his right to do as he likes. He probably wants to enact rape porn scenes and by sexually over riding your wishes and enjoyment he clearly doesn't see your wishes and enjoyment to be as important as his.

That power imbalance won't be confined to the bedroom, it will pervade throughout the relationship. In many cultures that is a woman's lot, to put up and shut up.

Thankfully you don't have to put up with this op and you should take steps to ensure you are safe, respected, cherished and valued in your own home.

Hellionandfriends · 05/08/2015 23:54

What does he do with his finger?

LiverMummy25 · 06/08/2015 04:20

I didn't misunderstand the OP when she said she didn't like it but i'm not going to lie and say that I automatically will jump to the conclusion of assault. I think people are missing what i'm saying which is that in couples people play and mess about and don't always intentionally mean any harm. I wanted to establish whether or not it was a number of times in general or a number of times that night. I don't know why he had the impression OP liked it either which is why I asked if maybe her stern no was something she'd say if not in the mood but not necessarily angry.

It doesn't help get a clear picture if we don't know what he did. Was he laughing were you playing before hand or did it come completely out of the blue?

I think we have a good idea what he did with his finger. The fact you say you feel he doesn't respect you tells me this kind of thing has happened before and that's no good. If he's ignoring your feelings then he isn't right for you. And no I don't condone him touching the OP in a manner that upsets her but sometimes wires get crossed in relationships and people make silly mistakes. He was apologetic. If it happens again then you know he doesn't give a crap how you feel and his sorry meant nothing.

SkatesMcgee · 06/08/2015 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkatesMcgee · 06/08/2015 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penfold007 · 06/08/2015 08:45

Ruff I couldn't get past it and I suspect it's been a deal breaker for you.

Offred · 06/08/2015 08:55

It's something I've been exploring in my sessions about my rape and is very useful (although difficult) in exploring, not from a blame yourself point of view but from gaining a clear understanding yourself that your partner knows full well your views and therefore really is committing sexual assault/rape.

I think you need a new counsellor tbh. Are you seeing a specialist rape and sexual assault counsellor?

It is not up to people being subjected to sexual behaviour of another to make it clear that they don't want sexual behaviour. It is up to the person taking the action to establish that the behaviour is wanted. That they have consent for what they are doing. The law is explicit on this point and for good reason - people subjected to someone else's sexual behaviour would have to guess what someone else wanted to do to them and refuse if it weren't that way round.

Offred · 06/08/2015 08:56

Op - I wouldn't forgive this no. You are with a man who either doesn't understand the nature of consent or is motivated to sexually abuse you. Either way it will result in abuse.

Offred · 06/08/2015 09:01

The famous Welsh footballer didn't intend to rape and still doesn't think he has. Does that mean he didn't rape or are there objective legal standards which say he did rape?

This is plain and simply another thing where people are muddying the waters of sexual assault because of their view that abusers are always monsters and the only thing that constitutes abuse is deliberate and serious behaviour. No, the vast majority of abusers are ordinary people who have incorrect beliefs about abuse and don't understand what they are doing is wrong - these people are sometimes more dangerous because they don't understand even if their behaviour involves 'smaller' things.

Offred · 06/08/2015 09:08

And don't forget, if you think this behaviour is not serious that doesn't mean the op doesn't either. In this case the behaviour was deliberate in the sense that her partner is trying to push the boundaries of consent back to mean he can do anything he likes and assume consent unless the op physically removes herself from him so that he can't continue and explicitly and strongly says she is upset.