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Original poster

Could you get past this?

94 replies

RuffDiamond · 05/08/2015 09:11

Name changed. I won't give TMI but DH has, a number of times, done something in bed I do not enjoy and i asked him not to do it again. He has since tried to do it but I have swatted him off with a stern no.

However, last night he bloody did it again! I told him straightaway that I do not like what he does and please don't do it again.

He didn't seem remorseful and I was not happy about it and felt violated so went to sleep in the other room which he huffed about. I sent him a message telling him it was not ok what he did.

He came straight in and apologised profusely, said he thought I enjoyed it and it would never happen again.

Would you forgive this?

OP posts:
LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 11:35

Wtf is the matter with you?

If i'm in bed with my oh and he touches me sexually and it's something he's never done before then yes I might say I don't like that. But sometimes that's happened and he's continued and I've found actually I do like that I just wasn't in the mood for it at the time. I wouldn't start saying he's sexually assaulted me!

My god I apologised if i'd misread the situation so pipe down, what's your advice then. Leave him because he made a mistake? I don't have a teenage daughter but if I did then i'd say the same unless she had said he forced himself or his hand on her the OP never said he forced himself, she said she didn't enjoy what he did.

I find it far fetched to start making allegations about people before knowing the full situation of something even if you don't.

misscupcakes · 05/08/2015 11:38

Liver, actually read the OP. He has tried it a NUMBER OF TIMES and she has ASKED HIM NOT TO DO IT AGAIN. This isn't something he's tried once in the moment. What's your solution - she should just put up with the behaviour???

LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 11:41

No not at all, she shouldn't put up with it, I said that earlier. OP did your oh force himself onto you or was it a sexual thing you didn't like? it's just I find them to be different things. One I could forgive and the other I couldn't.

misscupcakes · 05/08/2015 11:42

The Met Police's definition of sexual assault: A person commits sexual assault if they intentionally touch another person, the touching is sexual and the person does not consent.

RuffDiamond has not consented to this act AT ALL, regardless of whatever else she has consented to.

butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 11:44

OP - you clearly told him no 3 times. So no, I couldn't get past it at all.

LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 11:52

Well if the OP in anyway feels she has been sexually assaulted then she should leave this man immediately.

LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 11:52

Well if the OP in anyway feels she has been sexually assaulted then she should leave this man immediately.

LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 11:53

Sorry for the multiple posts

TheFullMinty · 05/08/2015 11:56

liver Very clearly the OP states she has told him several times 'no' what part of no do you not understand?

LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 12:01

I understand the meaning no fully and as someone who was raped I probably understand it a lot more than others which is why i'm not prone to using the term 'sexual assualt' loosely as it's a very serious accusation.

UnsolvedMystery · 05/08/2015 12:09

To have a good sexual relationship with someone, you need to feel completely relaxed and trust that the other person will not do something to you that you don't want them to do. You are in a very vulnerable position when you have sex so that trust is vital. He has violated that trust, which means that you will be left with that nagging doubt in the back of your mind of will he do that again? What else will he do?
I suspect he has absolutely no comprehension of the damage that does to a relationship.

Whether you are able to get past it, may depend on his ability to comprehend this, on the rest of the relationship and whether you want to get through it.

scallopsrgreat · 05/08/2015 12:10

It's not a matter of whether she feels she has been sexually assaulted. Her feelings are hers alone and she is entitled to feel how she does about the whole situation. And she may not feel it is sexual assault because that is big leap to make in your mind, that someone who is supposed to love and cherish you would blatantly cross your boundaries.

But that does not change the fact that this is sexual assault.

Ruff, I'm so sorry this has happened Flowers. I can only reiterate what pocketsaviour asked: Do you believe him? And if not, what does that mean for you?

Happytuesdays99 · 05/08/2015 12:37

I wouldn't be happy. If you want to stay together I would make it crystal clear that If he ever does that again then you will end the relationship and make sure you mean it.

milliemanzi · 05/08/2015 12:42

This would ring massive alarm bells for me, is he normally this disregarding of your feelings?

SkatesMcgee · 05/08/2015 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 13:52

Peoples opinions of what constitutes as sexual assault are very different. I have already said the OP shouldn't stay with this guy if he has made her feel uncomfortable. If she feels she has been sexually assaulted then I would urge her to call the police and report him.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/08/2015 13:55

Fgs liver, it's not opinion it's the law. He already tried penetrating her anally more than once, she told him she doesn't want to do it, ever, and he did it again. He knew she didn't consent, but he anally penetrated her anyway. The law is clear, that's assault.

SkatesMcgee · 05/08/2015 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scallopsrgreat · 05/08/2015 14:01

It doesn't matter what people's opinions of sexual assault are. LiverMummy. Touching someone sexually without their explicit consent is sexual assault. She'd already told him not to do that, in no uncertain terms.

And as for going to the police, well again that is up to her. She doesn't have to. And whether she goes to the police or not, it isn't a marker of whether sexual assault occurred either.

Original poster
RuffDiamond · 05/08/2015 14:05

Thanks all for the replies. I think DH did the act not for my enjoyment but for his. I have told him several times before in and out of the bedroom that I do not like it.

I don't feel DH respects me at all to be honest, there is other stuff going on. He seems to have a problem with boundaries and taking no for an answer (not in the physical sense apart from this)

OP posts:
SkatesMcgee · 05/08/2015 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkatesMcgee · 05/08/2015 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiverMummy25 · 05/08/2015 16:08

In that case Ruff diamond I apologise I can see now that your DH was really being forceful and I wasn't getting that impression from your original post I hope you understand that I did not want to be disrespectful to your oh if it was cross wires but I do think you should consider if you want to be with him if he's making you feel this way.

Without respect in a relationship I don't think it's going to work and you deserve someone who is a gentleman to you.

SkatesMcgee · 05/08/2015 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/08/2015 17:07

Glad you've acknowledged your error liver but honestly all that info was in the OP's early posts, it was only you that interpreted it as a miscommunication

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