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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my dh being a bit.... Well... Mean?

81 replies

Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 20:01

Dh and I have been married for a little over a year, I love him dearly and we have two dc.

So this year a few things have happened and I've been a bit emotional over them, firstly he forgot our wedding anniversary, now I wouldn't of minded but it was our first so I kind of expected him to remember but that's fine. I laughed it off and carried on.

Then a few weeks ago dh came home from work a bit earlier than usual and obviously I was very happy, we bathed the kids, got them to bed and then I got in my pjs and snuggled in bed and assumed he was coming to bed too (we sometimes go to bed early 8pmish and have a cuddle, talk about our day catch up on news in bed) but he came in and said "I have something to tell you" and it turned out he had Rranged to go out with his work colleague at our neighboring city and he might not be back until late.

I was upset but didn't say anything as he had left, if I had know sooner I would of asked my parents to watch the kids but he told me at 8pm I couldn't get a sitter. I did ask if anyone else's wives and husbands were going and he said yes but since I was ready for bed he didn't think I'd want to go. He went and I read a book in bed but I was upset and did have a cry to myself.

I explained the next day that I was a upset he hadn't invited me and he said because I don't drink that I wouldn't of had fun, but I eat I enjoy the company of his colleague especially a Spanish woman who I get along with like a house on fire.

He said sorry and we didn't mention it again but then a few days ago he told me he was going away for a few days with his friends and going to a party. Now I can get a sitter for these days. He is going to a conference for a hobby he loves and whilst I don't want to go to the convention I would love the few days to unwind, read some books, go for coffee all alone and have some real me time.

Although I don't drink I would of liked to be invited to the party but I wasn't invited so that's fine. I was however upset he was against the idea of me coming along because he said he wouldn't have fun with his friends because he would be worried about me being all alone and therefore I couldn't have fun .

After everything I said I'd be fine and would like the time away and I'm coming since I paid for the hotel with him.

Aibu? A bit precious?

I try my hardest to be diplomatic and I don't begrudge him going out with his friends etc but I want time away too and there's no reason I can't go and stay in the hotel with my husband. He can do his thing I'll do mine.

OP posts:

textfan · 03/08/2015 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 03/08/2015 20:55

He may not be shagging someone else, but it seems he has grown rather Too Big For His Boots

he doesn't get to tell you "well you wouldn't like it anyway" after he has made unilateral decisions to spend family money on jollies for himself

he doesn't get to up and leave, drop you right in the shit with two little ones, then swan back in like nothing happened

don't be a doormat, please

you know he is being "mean" or you wouldn't have started this thread

SolidGoldBrass · 03/08/2015 20:57

Are you from a very sexist 'traditional' sort of background OP? You mention that your H is your half-cousin, so I wonder if he has the attitude that you as a wife and mother should just be at home and have no outside interests - that only men are entitled to a social life.

Psycobabble · 03/08/2015 20:58

Absolutley anyfucker !

He sounds immature and wants the best of both nice family at home oh who is clearly devoted to him
Off out doing what he wants spending money you don't have like he's a single man

What about using that money to take you away op ?? You say times have been stressful well why not try give YOU a break and enjoy some quality time as a couple ????

QuiteLikely5 · 03/08/2015 20:59

If things were great in your relationship I genuinely believe he would have no issue with you coming along. In fact if he lived and adored you then he would want you to go along for the sheer pleasure of a rest etc plus he would get to come back to you on an evening which would or should be a bonus.

QuiteLikely5 · 03/08/2015 21:00

*loved

littlehouseinthebigwoods · 03/08/2015 21:01

Yes, he is being mean. Not once has he put your feelings first. It's all about him. Whether or not you want to go away on jollies with him, please don't let him treat you like this.

Also, it really stinks that he forgot your wedding anniversary. You deserve to be treasured op. I hope you can be brave enough to tell him his behaviour is not acceptable. Is he willing to put you first for once?

Psycobabble · 03/08/2015 21:06

How old is he op ?

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 21:07

solidgold no I'm not, he is my half cousin but only because we fell in love our marriage was not arranged etc.

I'm going to have a think about everyone's advice, it's made me look at things in a different light.

He isn't doing his online thing tonight and he is coming to bed (I just asked him what the agenda was for the weekend away) so I don't know if he wants to not go online as to not bring attention to it iyswim.

I'm going to have a talk to him when he is upstairs and I'll update what happens.

Thank you everyone and

OP posts:

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 21:07

He is 31

OP posts:

Psycobabble · 03/08/2015 21:08

Ok well just try talk and tell him how you feel !! Don't be scared to !! You have to be able to communicate with each other over stuff like this !

DoJo · 03/08/2015 21:14

Talking to him and getting things out in the open can't be worse than dancing around the issue and never really saying how you feel surely? Because that kind of behaviour becomes a habit, and before you know it, you're second-guessing yourself and never putting yourself first just to avoid a row. Good luck with your chat - I hope you are able to spark a bit of a revelation in him!

cheapskatemum · 03/08/2015 21:32

Hope it goes well Esme, thanks for and . Have a nice and yourself.

goodbyespeech · 03/08/2015 21:44

Op you say you are sure he loves you. Yet in the recent past he told you he didn't love you and left you. The truth can be painful to acknowledge and in the nicest possible way, I think you are kidding yourself and you know it.

You are scared to confront him as you don't want to lose him.

And I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. You are right to insist on going but I think he will resent you for it as you will cramp his style.

SugarOnTop · 03/08/2015 21:48

I don't know if he wants to not go online as to not bring attention to it iyswim

i hope this isn't the case but it sounds like a passive aggressive attack in response to you standing your ground and insisting on going away with him . did you not feel humiliated for having to literally 'beg' him to let you come and then having to 'over rule' him? Most parents would jump at the chance to have child free time together but he doesn't want to share that child free enjoyment with you - that's awful.

an ex used this tactic on me in a similar circumstance; didn't play on his xbox (which he was addicted to) as per routine after we'd had our first big disagreement. it was his way of saying 'look how upset your attitude has made me - i can't even relax/enjoy myself', he went all grumpy and uncommunicative on me after he realised i was ignoring his change in routine. he did his best to wind me up so that i would get so pissed off at him which would then make/force me to turn round to him and say 'forget it,do what you want'.......and i have a feeling that's what your husband is trying to do. very manipulative.

he knows you choose to be passive to avoid the threat of him leaving you like he did last time. so he knows he can do exactly as he pleases because he knows how to keep you in line.

by the way, i wouldn't be feeling so confident about him not being likely to cheat simply because he hasn't had a lot of experience with women or is awkward around them. you seem to have forgotten that for people like that online communities etc give them the space, comfort and anonymity to build personal relationships, once that emotional/comfort barrier is down it's just as easy for them to meet in real life/public and cheat as it would be for most people.

Indole · 03/08/2015 22:03

If my husband just announced that he was going away for a few days without any kind of prior discussion as to whether or not that was OK with me and whether or not I would get the same opportunity, I would, quite honestly, be furious. Particularly if he had form for checking out of the marriage just to see what it was like.

As it happens, he has been away for a few days for various things from time to time and certainly more often than I have, but he would never ever do this without making sure I was OK with it. I don't think that just announcing it is the action of someone who cares about whether you are all right or not.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/08/2015 22:39

He's not behaving like a man who loves you. Were your families opposed to you being together or very keen on the marriage? If it's the latter then his mindset could be that he didn't really want to marry you but was pressured into doing it and therefore it's acceptable for him to do as he likes and not bother about your feelings.

TokenGinger · 04/08/2015 01:07

I'm sorry, I've not read all of the comments here, so I may repeat some points that have been made.

With regards to him leaving in the past, for me, that's irrelevant. He realised his mistake and he married you. Job done.

In terms of his impromptu night out, yes he was a little insensitive with the lack of planning/lack of informing you with that. But you don't have to be invited to everything your partner does.

The same with his break away. I'd be absolutely mortified if my DP was being such a control freak demanding he come on a break I've booked with friends. A healthy relationship means you spend time together and time apart. My DP and I have holidays and weekends away apart, and together. If I was going away with friends and my DP forced it upon me that he was coming, I'd be miserable. I'd be wanting to do my hobby which he dislikes, and regardless of whether he protests that he's happy doing his own things, I'd feel somewhat obliged to be back to him for evening meals etc thus not enjoying my break away.

Let him have his break. He's given you plenty of warning. Stop smothering him.

BlackeyedSusan · 04/08/2015 02:29

how come you are the default parent who picks up the slack when he is off out or away without asking you?

how come he can afford to go away but you can't? money should be shared and equal. equal time away and all that.

he is not taking responsibility for the children or the marriage... and is just continuing on as if he were single.

he is selfish and irresponsible. he is not treating you with love and respect. he is making decisions for the family without consultation. this is not right.

SugarOnTop · 04/08/2015 03:11

how is it 'smothering' when
~ op rarely goes on nights out/away with him due to not enjoying drink/crowds...and he uses this as an excuse for deliberately not inviting her -his other trick being to tell her last minute so even if she wanted to go she couldn't
~ this trip is the only time op too can have some child free time and a break as there's no money for a mini break for her or them as a 'couple'?
~ he will be at his convention 11-6pm and then out clubbing with his mates, the op will be doing her own thing, the hotel room and meals is probably the only time they'll be 'together'

he's not giving op any consideration or respect, instead he patronises and tries to manipulate her with he said he wouldn't have fun with his friends because he would be worried about me being all alone !! Sure she can be all alone with the kids not having any 'fun' and that doesn't ever 'worry' him. selfish twunt!

Oswin · 04/08/2015 03:14

Token, I think you might have missed the fact that the dh booked it using family money which means that op doesn't get a holiday or break at all. Fucking rude and disrespectful. I too would insist on going If he had blown family money on it and was my only chance of a break.

TheStoic · 04/08/2015 03:36

I'm sorry, I've not read all of the comments here, so I may repeat some points that have been made.

I think it's fair to say you have not repeated anything. Thank Christ

He doesn't want you there, OP. The reason why would not really matter to me at this point.

Primafacie · 04/08/2015 06:56

Sorry if I'm being dense, but can someone explain the concept of a half cousin? Is it a blood relative or not?

SanityClause · 04/08/2015 07:16

Well, I should imagine one of the OP's parents has a sibling with whom they have only one parent in common, and the H is the child of that sibling.

(Eg, her mother may have a "half" brother, with whom she shares a mother, but not a father. The H is the son of this "half" brother.)

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 04/08/2015 08:04

solidgold our families were fine about it tbh, my dad wasn't very happy because well it's not very pc but as long as we were happy then they were happy. I have a good relationship with MIL and FIL etc.

sugar I didn't feel humiliated just upset and disappointed.

token we do do things separately, unfortunately with me being a sahm and only having one wage we don't have the extra money for extra. This yr he has his convention, we booked a UK holiday and that's it. He has said that the weekend away is going to be expensive as he has plans for drinking etc so wouldn't it be resourceful for me to go and do my thing while he does his? Otherwise I don't get a break at all and that's hardly fair.

blackey it's not always that way, if I want to go to my parents for a few hours or if I want to go out then dh would happily look after the dc. My best friend is my sister who lives next door, my parents are here everyday and the only other friends I have are mums who tbh are just acquaintances. So it's not that I go out a lot anyway. My hobbies are home based, crocheting, painting, I run a little business making bouquets from felt, reading, I don't drink or do drugs or enjoy partying.

prima my mother and his mother are Half sisters, same mother different father.

OP posts:

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