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Original poster

Is my dh being a bit.... Well... Mean?

81 replies

Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 20:01

Dh and I have been married for a little over a year, I love him dearly and we have two dc.

So this year a few things have happened and I've been a bit emotional over them, firstly he forgot our wedding anniversary, now I wouldn't of minded but it was our first so I kind of expected him to remember but that's fine. I laughed it off and carried on.

Then a few weeks ago dh came home from work a bit earlier than usual and obviously I was very happy, we bathed the kids, got them to bed and then I got in my pjs and snuggled in bed and assumed he was coming to bed too (we sometimes go to bed early 8pmish and have a cuddle, talk about our day catch up on news in bed) but he came in and said "I have something to tell you" and it turned out he had Rranged to go out with his work colleague at our neighboring city and he might not be back until late.

I was upset but didn't say anything as he had left, if I had know sooner I would of asked my parents to watch the kids but he told me at 8pm I couldn't get a sitter. I did ask if anyone else's wives and husbands were going and he said yes but since I was ready for bed he didn't think I'd want to go. He went and I read a book in bed but I was upset and did have a cry to myself.

I explained the next day that I was a upset he hadn't invited me and he said because I don't drink that I wouldn't of had fun, but I eat I enjoy the company of his colleague especially a Spanish woman who I get along with like a house on fire.

He said sorry and we didn't mention it again but then a few days ago he told me he was going away for a few days with his friends and going to a party. Now I can get a sitter for these days. He is going to a conference for a hobby he loves and whilst I don't want to go to the convention I would love the few days to unwind, read some books, go for coffee all alone and have some real me time.

Although I don't drink I would of liked to be invited to the party but I wasn't invited so that's fine. I was however upset he was against the idea of me coming along because he said he wouldn't have fun with his friends because he would be worried about me being all alone and therefore I couldn't have fun Hmm.

After everything I said I'd be fine and would like the time away and I'm coming since I paid for the hotel with him.

Aibu? A bit precious?

I try my hardest to be diplomatic and I don't begrudge him going out with his friends etc but I want time away too and there's no reason I can't go and stay in the hotel with my husband. He can do his thing I'll do mine.

OP posts:
ALittleFaith · 03/08/2015 20:31

You say you hardly argue, but have you challenged him on the these things that are upsetting you? (I wonder if you're being passive so it never escalates to a row).

RJnomore · 03/08/2015 20:33

I'm trying to imagine any situation except a stag do where my dh would go to a party without inviting me and tbh I can't. I might say I don't want to go but he would ask me.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 20:34

alittle I am probably being a bit passive because I don't Actually want a row. When I was upset I just told him I'm upset because of abc and he was sorry. I then cried which he hates and so it was more a silent, stone in my throat, him twiddling his thumbs and me going out for a fag thing.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 03/08/2015 20:34

what kind of hobby is this op? one where there is a lot of online communication per chance? One where there are online communities of people who will be meeting up there?

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 20:35

That's the thing, there have been times when I've been invited and I've declined because 1. I don't drink 2. I don't like loud music 3. I used to get anxious about meeting new people but that doesn't mean I don't like being asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 20:35

wannabe bingo!

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 03/08/2015 20:36

Sorry to bang on about it, but why would he want to go clubbing without you then? Does he like to strut his stuff on the disco floor (I'm probably showing my age here!) but get embarrassed if you're watching?

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 20:37

Fuck I got on the trending board :/ hopes dh isn't looking at Mumsnet right now

OP posts:
Offred · 03/08/2015 20:37

XH and I never rowed (apart from the last year and that was more just me shouting at him) because he actually refused to engage in any form of real communication with me at all.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 20:38

No, he says it's because he will worry I'm not enjoying myself and so he won't enjoy himself, but I've explained that's not my fault. I'm fine and if I say I'm fine, then I'm fine.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/08/2015 20:38

op, are you afraid that i you tell him how he really feel about his selfishness (yes, it is) that he might "forget" he loves you and walk out again ?

AnyFucker · 03/08/2015 20:39

how you really feel

wannaBe · 03/08/2015 20:40

ok. Well, online communities can be intense places. You get to know people there, you share common ground, you talk a lot, about the hobby you're involved in to start with and then communication moves into other areas. And before you know it you're exchanging email addresses, perhaps phone numbers even, you're looking forward to the convention because finally you will get to meet face to face and realise all those intense feelings you have built up over the past ...however long it is you've been talking.

Op, I would bet actual money on the probability that one of these convention-goers is someone your dh has built up an intense online relationship with over the past few weeks/months and that this convention is a chance for them to put their feelings to the test.

Offred · 03/08/2015 20:41

No, he says it's because he will worry I'm not enjoying myself and so he won't enjoy himself, but I've explained that's not my fault. I'm fine and if I say I'm fine, then I'm fine.

I'd eat my hat if that's really what he thinks. Hmm Much more likely he's just picking the noblest sounding excuse to stand the best chance of getting what he wants!

AnyFucker · 03/08/2015 20:42

...and that when he "forgot" that he loved you, he was having a lovely little trial run

which didn't quite work out that time, hence he decided to come back and you let him (God knows why)

JassyRadlett · 03/08/2015 20:43

but it's more the fact we can't afford me to go on a mini break.

But you can afford for him to have one?

Offred · 03/08/2015 20:44

Well, whether you can afford him to have one or not is a moot point isn't it when he just goes right ahead and books tickets for himself!

CalmYourselfTubbs · 03/08/2015 20:45

he's lying to you OP.
about a lot of things.
what age are you? you sound very young.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 20:46

I get worried sometimes he will leave again, it was very hard when he left. Our youngest was a baby and she has a neuro issue that was being investigated and we were under a lot of stress.

I can't even think of there being OW I love him so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 03/08/2015 20:47

I'm 29

OP posts:
Psycobabble · 03/08/2015 20:48

I don't really know what is normal to be fair as everyone is different but surely when you are married with young dc you don't just tell the other person your going away for a few days ?? And not invite them even though it's not specifically a boys only thing like a stag do ??

Time away from the usual routine is surely something most of us would jump at given the chance for a bit of a break so I think it's selfish as hell to just assume youl have the kids and go off without you

Sounds like he would rather you not be there coupled with the fact he actually told you he didn't love you and then came back again ( do your feelings really change that quickly?!)

Sorry but I think you need to toughen up with him !!

cheapskatemum · 03/08/2015 20:48

So, to answer your original question, OP: yes your DH is being mean. Now, what are you going to do about it?

wannaBe · 03/08/2015 20:48

so, he has you living in fear that he will leave you again, which means you don't question what he's doing, you don't challenge what he says to you, you don't rock the boat basically. Sad

galletti2014 · 03/08/2015 20:51

Esme sweetheart, sorry but I have to say this, this is not a normal loving happy relationship. A relationship that you are used to and think is the norm, but really not.

"alittle I am probably being a bit passive because I don't Actually want a row. When I was upset I just told him I'm upset because of abc and he was sorry. I then cried which he hates and so it was more a silent, stone in my throat, him twiddling his thumbs and me going out for a fag thing."

You are being passive becasue you know in your heart of hearts if you say how you feel/what you want, he will create, all wil not be well, but let' face it all is now well now. You sound so lovely Esme, you deserve to be happy.

DoreenLethal · 03/08/2015 20:52

Op...have you posted about him before?