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Original poster

What would you do when you know someone is having an affair?

105 replies

SRS88 · 03/08/2015 01:59

I've known that a colleague of mine is having an affair. I think he is making an absolute fool of his wife. It's been going on for months. I feel really sorry for his wife. I know I can't tell her and break up their family but it's really awful to know. What would you do? I've really changed my opinion of this man.

OP posts:
worserevived · 03/08/2015 19:57

Lying I seem to have really pissed you off. Not intended. I'm sorry.

wannaBe · 03/08/2015 20:02

I agree with lying that an anonymous letter is cowardly because it implies there is something behind it other than genuine concern for the wife.

After all if you send an anonymous letter are you going to be there for the fallout? there to offer support to the person whose world you know you might just have turned upside down? no, you write an anonymous letter and then hope that the bastard gets what's coming to him while his partner's life may feel destroyed and you carry on as if nothing ever happened, safe in your moral bubble.

And as I said above affairs are rarely black and white. What if the wife is abusive? Or the husband if it's a woman having an affair. Or what if they have mh issues that are such that if you tell them they commit suicide? It's very easy to sit on the outside and say that if they do that then it's the cheater's fault, but that's said in the hypothetical, I'm sure that if it really happened then the anonymous giver of the news wouldn't feel quite so satisfied that they had done the right thing, would they?

There is a difference between disapproving of someone's actions, refusing to be party to them by covering for them etc and activvely seeking to out them to their wife or husband (who you know nothing about) in order to satisfy your conscience.

Anything anonymous would belong in the bin IMO. If someone had the decency to put their name and face to their words then that's another story, but I have no respect for anonymity....

hollyisalovelyname · 03/08/2015 20:46

My dsis 2 was in the situation of her ex dh having an affair.
Her friend had heard rumours but was unwilling to get involved.
It all came out anyway and dsis was really upset she had not been told sooner as the delay had huge impact on her subsequent life and she would have left the marriage earlier had she known.

JAPAB · 03/08/2015 20:55

I agree with lying that an anonymous letter is cowardly because it implies there is something behind it other than genuine concern for the wife.

Some may infer that but not sure it is being implied. Anonymous tip offs and complaints and reports can be made in many spheres. It is not about being a coward it is about recognising that if you expose whatever it is there may be a comeback on you.

And as I said above affairs are rarely black and white. What if the wife is abusive? Or the husband if it's a woman having an affair. Or what if they have mh issues that are such that if you tell them they commit suicide? It's very easy to sit on the outside and say that if they do that then it's the cheater's fault, but that's said in the hypothetical, I'm sure that if it really happened then the anonymous giver of the news wouldn't feel quite so satisfied that they had done the right thing, would they?

All possible, although not that likely. If I witness a man appearing to be physically violent to his wife through a window maybe they are just into S&M and were role-playing. Not the most likely thing but not impossible. I suppose it is up to the potential whistle-blower whether they think the chance of a less likely situation outweighs doing or saying something in case it is the far more typical scenario it is likely to be.

nequidnimis · 03/08/2015 21:05

I don't think anonymous information implies that there's something other than concern behind it.

It implies that the sender would place themselves in a difficult situation if they revealed their name - as when anonymously reporting a crime, or whistleblowing.

An anonymous tip off allows the DW to investigate if suspicious, laugh her head off if in an open relationship or bin it if she prefers a 'head in sand' approach.

Keeping quiet allows him to continue cheating on her, lying to her, putting her second and generally treating her in the shittiest most disrespectful way possible whilst congratulating himself on his discretion, aided and abetted by cowardly work colleagues who think it's 'none of their business'.

I've yet to meet a woman in rl or on here who discovered an affair, realised that other people knew, and was happy that no one told her.

Epilepsyhelp · 03/08/2015 21:09

I'm torn on this one.. There's that quote that does the rounds on Facebook 'in order for evil to prevail all that is necessary is for good people to do nothing' which whilst I hate those memes does kind of make sense..

But then I was in this position (I in fact found out that I was an OW about three months in) and I did absolutely nothing except for never speaking to the guy again, mainly because I just felt it wasn't my business.

Roxiet2013 · 03/08/2015 22:28

You've got to go with whatever you can live with.
For me personally I'd have to tell.
Yes it could screw up my job getting involved, but the guilt of knowing and not doing something would be worse for me.
Id find it easier if it's not a friend as you aren't risking a relationship that actually has value to you. So what if they never talk to you again you've given them the truth and they can do what they want with it.
I'd hate to think people had known I was being cheated on and not told me. It would make me feel a fool. I don't think people should be allowed to get away with hurting and destroying other people just because someone else is too scared to tell the truth. That's what causes the mess in the first place..... Lies.

springalong · 03/08/2015 22:48

I agree with Flange - way up in this thread now. My ex cheated on me and all his colleagues knew. It was a small company and it meant that the MD who he was friendly with actually tried to impact/change the outcome of the financial divorce court proceedings.

It sickened me that none of his colleagues thought about the impact on our DC, aged just 5 at the time.

Hepzibar · 04/08/2015 09:20

Having been on the receiving end of an anonymous letter, I would definitely not go down that road.

I was more intrigued with who had sent it and what their motives were. I strongly suspected that it had come from the woman who he was having an affair with. Presumably hoping I would throw him out straight into her arms.

The letter started along the lines of 'I should have said something before now but..' Also said that it was 'common knowledge where he worked' It was written as though this person was a friend of mine and it was hand delivered.

When I confronted him he said it was just someone trying to cause him trouble professionally.

DoorToTheRiver · 04/08/2015 11:25

Very difficult to know what to do for the best. Unless you have proof the husband could easily lie his way out of it.

I know a couple of men who are having affairs and I don't have the bottle to say anything to their wives. Both deserve better and both are lovely. One wife started out as the OW and she knew what he was like but thinks it's different with her. I was really shocked at the other husband and am fairly sure his wife doesn't have a clue.

But I would feel indirectly responsible for all the hurt and find it easier to mind my own business. I would want someone to tell me though so I know I'm being a hypocrite.

nequidnimis · 04/08/2015 14:04

Hepzibar, I know I'm being nosy but wondered whether the anonymous letter was what tipped you off, or whether you already knew about the affair.

If it was what tipped you off, or confirmed your suspicions, would you really rather have been kept in the dark? I can't imagine that, which is why I've been advocating an anonymous letter, but your experience has made me think again. Maybe some people would honestly just rather not know.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/08/2015 14:51

worserevived, no you didn't piss me off. I don't entirely disagree with your post, I just think that's not all there is to it sometimes. At least you're not being a nosy, gossipy excuse for a human.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/08/2015 15:03

My ExH had an affair and I know that some of our friends know and no-one told me.
I was humiliated and livid they didn't have the decency to tell me.
I'd have wanted to know far sooner, from anyone!!
Please tell her. It's so vile, being deceived and not knowing about it.
I did have a feeling but people could have confirmed it much sooner for me.
I could have saved a horrible 9 months of life!

nequidnimis · 04/08/2015 15:41

Lying, someone who sees infidelity and feels morally obliged to step in, because of their own experience or the experiences of close friends, because they can't bear to see a woman mistreated and deceived, isn't being gossipy.

Gossipy would be telling everyone about it, discussing any juicy details and letting the cheating scumbag get away with it.

Hepzibar · 04/08/2015 17:04

nequid She was someone who he worked with previously and who had recently split from her husband. I knew he had been out in group which included her and was always very late getting home because "they'd all been back to Sue's for drinks". One occasion he didn't come home at all because he said he fell asleep at hers.

So I supposed it confirmed my suspicions, but frankly I was still dubious because (sorry mumsnet) she had absolutely nothing going for her and of course I am gorgeous and successful and she was a nutter. I think he found her simpering and fawning all over him flattering and what with him being a lying cheating thieving bastard, they deserved each other really.

It took me a while tbh, because I though she was just trying to cause trouble and get me to throw him out but eventually when the penny finally dropped Ijust used this information as the spur I needed to get my house in order as it where and then get rid of the lying cheating thieving bastard.

They never got together though, when he left he didn't take up with her.

nequidnimis · 04/08/2015 21:33

I'm sorry that happened to you Hepzibar. It sounds like you're well rid of him. What fools some people can be.

Hepzibar · 04/08/2015 22:48

I was one nequid. I genuinely thought I'd hit the Jackpot with him, which is why it took me years to see what he was like. Even with the letter, I thought the woman was trying to cause trouble.

In all honesty it took my DD to say "mum leave him, me and DS will end alright " it took a 16 yr old to give me permission. Pathetic really - but she knew I was only keeping it together for them.

Sorry OP to hijack. I'll shut up now lol

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/08/2015 22:54

What a lovely DD you have, Hepzibar.

I have to say, I really agree with what Lying says about being made a fool of. I would never in a million years think that someone who was being cheated on was being made a fool of - HOWEVER - if I was being cheated on, and if everyone knew, I would feel like a complete and total mug, and yes, like a fool. I would feel completely humiliated. In fact, it's my knowing I would feel like that, which would make it impossible for me to ever get past it, should it ever happen.

Incongruous, I know.

muggedOnEbay · 05/08/2015 00:56

Please tell his wife, if possible. I was being cheated on, our common male friends knew. OW was his colleague and became good friends with me to get all the details of our relationship and used it to her advantage. My ex-boyfriend's cousin who didn't like our relationship eventually told me. Even though he would have been happy knowing we would break up after this, I was not upset with him. I'm thankful to him retrospectively and never spoke to anyone who had knowledge about his affair and didn't tell me for 'my sake'.

It was one of the worst experiences in my life. I had never been betrayed by so many people at the same time in my life. The pain was worse than loosing a boyfriend. I don't think I cried for loosing him but couldn't live with the feelings of broken trust from the one I loved so much and close friends - unbearable pain. I wonder if there is a male pact to not tell.

Jenna333 · 05/08/2015 08:45

I know someone who is having an affair and it's awful how his dw is blissfully unaware. I saw a happy picture she put on Facebook on their wedding anniversary and it's so sad and wrong. I think people should be told. It gives them a choice when they know exactly what their life is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/08/2015 09:13

nequidimis but you'd do it anonymously, that's what you said in your earlier post and you revelled in the 'byproduct' of misery. I can't take you at face value because I really don't know what that is.

If you know the person being cheated on and you feel strongly enough about them and what is going on to tell them, then do. If you don't, then you're just a mindless gossip with no investment or kindness at the heart of it. Anonymous senders are reckless.

Do it face to face if you care a jot or at least put your name to it.

TiredOfPeople · 05/08/2015 10:27

Personally I'd want to know primarily because I would need to get myself checked out - God knows what my husband might have caught sleeping with another woman.

TiredOfPeople · 05/08/2015 10:33

Also, personally, I found out about my husband's affair on my own - it happened "at the right time" (if there ever is a right time) at our lowest, lowest point - had someone told me before then, I don't think I would've delt with it the way I did, in that as a make or break situation. Finding out on my own was better than if someone told me, though I personally wouldn'tve been angry at anyone looking to try and "do the right thing" by telling me.

nequidnimis · 05/08/2015 14:22

Lying - I would do it anonymously if it meant I could lose my job or make my working life miserable, not to get a vicarious thrill out of giving someone bad news, not sure how that wasn't clear tbh but some people always want to see the worst in people I guess.

The 'happy by-product' comment referred to the fact that the DH would realise that someone knew and that he hadn't been as discreet as he thought. It wouldn't be the main purpose for an anonymous note but his discomfort certainly wouldn't make me sad.

If you don't tell anyone, it's not gossip.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2015 17:42

I think the reasons I'd do it anonymously are;

1-lack of repercussions for me at my workplace

2-it would allow his wife to disregard or ignore the letter if she chooses to without her having to face 'the informer' in social situations (if that happens)

I'd probably start it: "Dear Mrs X, you don't know me, but I know your husband and ………..'. It will be up to her if she wants to think I'm the OW, just a troublemaker, or a concerned person.

Honestly, if I were to receive an anonymous letter today, given my marriage and DH, I wouldn't believe it. But if I began noticing things that didn't add up (that old list of 'how to tell your spouse is cheating'), it would be one piece of information to be considered. If I had received the same letter during my first marriage, I would have believed it without question.