Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do when you know someone is having an affair?

105 replies

SRS88 · 03/08/2015 01:59

I've known that a colleague of mine is having an affair. I think he is making an absolute fool of his wife. It's been going on for months. I feel really sorry for his wife. I know I can't tell her and break up their family but it's really awful to know. What would you do? I've really changed my opinion of this man.

OP posts:
JAPAB · 03/08/2015 16:36

LiverMummy25
"I would like to know but I wouldn't say anything in that situation. The truth will come out eventually."

That can take years though, sometimes upwards of ten or twenty.

NewLife4Me · 03/08/2015 16:43

I'd tell him I knew and ask how he would feel if his wife was having the affair, and what a wanker he is.
If it's only a colleague it doesn't matter.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2015 16:58

I wouldn't tell, not my business to do that. I would think any anonymous tip off as cowardly and beneath my contempt.

Why are people banging on about the person cheated on 'being made to look a fool'? I hear this all the time and it's bobbins. Of course they don't look a fool or foolish, they are blameless of the affair and nobody thinks of them as a fool. In my experience, the label of 'fool' is applied to the cheaters who risk their existences.

It's not nice to keep hearing this 'look a fool' trotted out and that stupid label slapped on the people cheated on, so stop it, please!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2015 17:01

nequidimis, you just sound like a gossip of the lowest order. A 'happy byproduct'? At least something for to you savour, I suppose. I would wonder what your motives where and wouldn't give you the satisfaction of a response.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2015 17:03

I wouldn't say anything to him to avoid problems in the workplace. But if I were 100% certain, I'd tell the wife, probably anonymously.

I'd put as much information as I could into a letter and send it. It's up to her to believe it or not and act on it or not. It may be that she's chosen to look the other way. An anonymous letter would be easier to ignore if she chooses to do so.

I would want to know, anonymously or not.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2015 17:24

The only 'decent' thing to do, if you can't keep your nose out, is to ask the cheater to do the decent thing; whether that's to stop the affair or to confess and leave or repair the marriage. Some cheaters are oblivious that an affair's become obvious.

Anonymous letters belong, unheeded, in the bin with all the other rubbish.

JAPAB · 03/08/2015 17:39

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
"The only 'decent' thing to do, if you can't keep your nose out, is to ask the cheater to do the decent thing; whether that's to stop the affair or to confess and leave or repair the marriage. Some cheaters are oblivious that an affair's become obvious."

Whereas others can go on for years, and when the betrayed partner eventually finds out they might feel as if they have wasted X years of their life that they cannot get back, living under false pretences and a false life.

I realise that people do not always respond rationally to the information that their partner is cheating, but still, if instead of making decisions about their life with this new knowledge the betrayed partner was to instead speculate on whether the person passing on the information was only doing it to get a gossipy kick rather than out of better motives, or instead complain that the imparter was "cowardly" for not imparting the information with their name on it, well they are probably misdirecting their energies.

Offred · 03/08/2015 17:43

I agree damned if you do and damned if you don't.

It's tricky if it is a work colleague too.

However, if he's publicly conducting an affair and it is making co-workers uncomfortable then he's making it your business and co-opting you into his lies.

I would tell him outright that you know what he's doing and he needs to stop as you will not be made responsible for keeping his secrets. I'd also speak to someone at work about how difficult his behaviour is making your working environment.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2015 18:03

JAPAB... I would certainly wonder what role the passer-on had, others have said the same. I wouldn't have any more respect for an anonymous 'tip' than I would for a spiteful one. Some people are prone to spite and malice. I would have respect for somebody coming up to me and telling me face to face, even if I don't know them.

In any event, I would want my husband to tell me - and I believe that he would. I would ask him if told face to face, I wouldn't even give a second thought to an anonymous note which could have been written by anybody for any reason.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2015 18:04

Agree with Offred; there are ways and means of dealing with work colleagues who flaunt their affairs in the open - and that's via HR, not gossip.

LilyMayViolet · 03/08/2015 18:07

Why would you think an anonymous tip off was cowardly or spiteful? I'd have welcomed one rather than carrying on in ignorance for over a year thinking I was in a happy relationship!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2015 18:15

Because I would; you could add 'possibly wrong' to that list.

If you think the information is THAT important that you feel the need to pass it on then do it in person out of caring for the cheat-ee. If you're doing it for any other reason then it's spite with reckless disregard for other people whose lives you don't really care about. That is how I feel.

fastdaytears · 03/08/2015 18:15

leaving aside whether it's cowardly, would people believe an anonymous tip? I guess they might enough to be more vigilant about obsessive phone use etc.
OP it's a hard situation and I can see why it would get to you day in day out at work.

Binit · 03/08/2015 18:16

You mustn't jeopardise your employment in any way so I think you would be wrong to confront this man, whether he is the same level as you, above or below, it could become an HR issue.

Personally, having been the wife in this situation, I was very grateful one of H's colleagues told me. The only suitable method (IMO) is to write a letter anonymously saying "I'm sorry to tell you this but your husband (Fred Smith) is having an affair with a co worker (Tracy Jones)." However you must be aware that the fallout will be horrendous and I would be careful not to get caught up in it.

fastdaytears · 03/08/2015 18:18

Binit was the co worker who told you female, and did you assume she was OW (or that OW had put her up to it). I can see that risk. And agree re HR.

Binit · 03/08/2015 18:19

The coworker was male.

Binit · 03/08/2015 18:20

And I had met him once or twice at H's work things.

LiverMummy25 · 03/08/2015 18:22

JAPAB That can take years though, sometimes upwards of ten or twenty.

True but if OP says anything then the atmosphere at the office could become frosty which would be rather uncomfortable for her.

PageNotFound404 · 03/08/2015 18:40

I was in a similar position a couple of years ago. I stumbled across photographic evidence highly suggestive that a former colleague, whose wife I had become friendly with, was having an affair - at the very least he was definitely engaging in passionate kisses with another woman. I agonised about whether or not to tell her and in the end I did and sent her a link to the evidence, because if it were me in her position I'd want to be told. It did have an impact on our friendship; she didn't blame me exactly but she did withdraw to an extent so that while we're still in touch, it's more of a cards-at-Christmas/Facebook-friends-who-don't-interact-much acquaintance now. I feel sad that him being unable to keep his dick in his pants ultimately caused our friendship to cool, but I can understand why (I presume) embarrassment even when there's no need for her to be embarrassed and resentment at being put in a position of having to face such an unpleasant issue would have that effect.

Would I do the same again? I honestly don't know. In her position, I'd still want to be told. I didn't enjoy doing it and I still hold out hope that one day we'll be able to rebuild our friendship to something closer to what it was, when a bit more time has passed. I'm sorry I was the bearer of bad news and so caused her pain, but I'm not sorry that I put her in a position of knowledge and gave her the information to make an informed decision as to how to move forwards (they "tried again" for a while but according to FB, they split up a few months ago).

worserevived · 03/08/2015 18:41

Binit he was obviously a decent bloke. I wish more people would think like he did. I have yet to meet someone who has been cheated on say that they are glad no one told them. The thing is a cheating partner is someone who is emotionally invested outside of the marriage so by definition is a bit of shit to live with. They try to justify their actions to themselves by picking fights so that they can claim their partner is always 'angry', or doesn't love them. They lie. All the time. They rewrite history. They are cold. They claim their partner is crazy if they question anything. It's really confusing and horrible.

Finding out they are cheating is almost a relief as it makes sense of it all.

Tell her. Please. If she knows, or has an arrangement, or an open marriage or any of the other reasons people have given for not telling her, she won't care. If she is just another wife wondering why her DH has turned into a bastard, she'll be grateful.

The being made a fool of is how it feels when you find out everyone else knew but you didn't. It is so humiliating. You go through all the situations where you have met up with people in the know, and spent time with them, and wonder if they thought you were a complete idiot, or worse pitied you. It makes a bad situation worse. You feel like everyone not just your DH was lying to you.

Just tell her. Anonymously if you must. Give her the woman's name. That is all she needs. The rest she'll work out for herself.

worserevived · 03/08/2015 18:46

Page you'd be in the same position if you hadn't told her, as she'd have found out eventually and then you'd have been one of the ones who knew but didn't say anything. Affairs ruin friendships. End of.

PoshPenny · 03/08/2015 18:47

Do nothing, it's none of your business. For all you know they may have agreed to an open marriage. You are unlikely to be thanked for telling the wife that you think her husband is having an affair.

GladysTheGolem · 03/08/2015 18:48

I would send an anonymous letter to the wife.

I would want to know if my DH was having an affair and don't think it's fair on the partner (if I wasn't told and found out later other people knew I'd feel like a prat).

Good luck either way OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2015 18:54

You write, worserevived as if you know all there is to know about cheating. You blithely sweep everybody up in your terms because you're not discerning. Not all cheaters are cold, not all pick fights or a shit to live with. My partner wasn't, he didn't call me crazy either or minimise it when I found out.

I wouldn't have wanted to have been told by some anonymous person.

I didn't feel a fool. Sad, distressed and as if my world had ended? Sure. A fool? No, why would I? And, if you're the sort of person who can look at or talk to a person cheated on and think them a fool, that says everything about you and not them. The cheater is the fool, end of.

Please don't sweep me up in your generalisations and I'm sure I wasn't the only exception either.

13months · 03/08/2015 19:19

My DH conducted a v public affair in my town - dates in restaurants, snogging in pub car parks, cinema trips etc, dog walking with the OW in park where me and my children always walk our dog. I rumbled him via an email - but I always wonder "Who Knew" - he says no one saw them?? Was he the invisible man??