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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is punishing me with the silent treatment

52 replies

SemperEadem83 · 31/07/2015 12:56

This situation is really getting me down. On Wednesday I spent the day with a colleague from work, we had a couple of bottles of wine and then went to the pub in the evening. While I'm at the pub, DH rang me ten times and sent me text messages asking why I was ignoring him, which I wasn't, I just didn't notice the phone going off as it was in my jacket on silent.

I'm ashamed to say that I drank rather too much and can't remember getting home, but it can't have been much after 11. When I woke up yesterday morning DH was cold to me and told me to leave him alone. He claims I got home at 4 o'clock in the morning and started giving him abuse. I tried to apologise (I can't remember having done this at all!) but he cut me off saying "don't apologise, it's pointless". He refused to speak to me at all yesterday, and stayed in bed all day. He still hasn't got up and I suspect he's deliberately punishing me. I already feel wretched enough that I might have hurt him but can't remember it.

I know I shouldn't have drunk so much and feel quite ashamed, but I hate being punished like this. I don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Fabulassie · 31/07/2015 13:00

Well, silent treatment isn't the best way to react to a situation but I can understand why he's angry. You went out, didn't contact him all night, came home so shitfaced you've blacked out, and were verbally abusive.

I think the thing to do is to wait until he's ready to talk to you.

fuzzywuzzy · 31/07/2015 13:00

Are you normally an abusive drunk?

Do you normally get drunk and get home at the wee hours of the morning?

Does your colleague remember what time you went home?

TheStoic · 31/07/2015 13:01

Just ride it out, I guess.

I think there are regularly a whole lot of wives giving husbands the silent treatment for exactly the same reason.

Apologise (if you think you did something wrong), then go about your day.

Joysmum · 31/07/2015 13:38

Why do you assume he's punishing you rather than just very hurt and angry?

Have you acknowledged he could have been very worried about you and apologised for that and come up with some ideas to allay his fears that he need not go through that again?

AnyFucker · 31/07/2015 13:47

I would give my H the cold shoulder if he did what you did too

have you got a problem with alcohol, that blow out seems a bit excessive for an average wednesday

Original poster
SemperEadem83 · 31/07/2015 13:49

fuzzywuzzy: I'm not, no. I think the last time I got blackout drunk I was still at university!

Joysmum: he hasn't been about for me to speak to. When he sulks he takes to his bed for whole days at a time, blaming it on his ME.

:sighs: Still, you're all right. Just apologising, riding it out and waiting are the only real options I guess. I fucked up, I made the bed, now I have to lie in it.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 31/07/2015 13:49

Do you and/or him have form for getting shitfaced and being an abusive drunk?

Have you checked with your colleague to find out what time you left the pub and whether you went on to another venue or jumped in a cab to go home?

Two weekdays in bed? Doesn't your dh have any work to go to?

Original poster
SemperEadem83 · 31/07/2015 13:51

AnyFucker: we're both off work at the moment, so it's not like this is a regular thing! I don't drink at home, and normally I just have a few drinks on a Friday night at my very quiet local pub. However, DH doesn't drink at all, and he tends to get sniffy even if I just have a glass of wine.

OP posts:
Original poster
SemperEadem83 · 31/07/2015 13:52

goddessofsmallthings: no, I don't have form for this. I'm more of a giggly drunk than an abusive one! My colleague says that we left before last orders, and I walked home (it's literally only five minutes away from our flat.)

DH is unemployed atm, he starts his new job on Monday.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 31/07/2015 13:55

Ok well when you get a chance, my advice is to not just say sorry, but to tell him exactly what you're sorry for so he knows you aren't just playing lip service to it.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/07/2015 13:56

Do you believe him when he says you got home at 4am? Or is that when he noticed you?

Because Id be more worried about what happened to you in that time

Original poster
SemperEadem83 · 31/07/2015 14:00

LaurieFairyCake: frankly, no, I don't. I suspect it's when I crashed into bed after having spent the time in the kitchen attempting to make my head stop spinning so I could lie down sober up. He's got form on being a bit of a drama queen.

Joysmum: That's good advice, thank you.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 31/07/2015 14:00

Do you believe your DP when he says you came home at 4pm and were abusive to him?

Given your history, i.e. you don't drink much anyway, your friend says you left before last orders (presumably this is way before 4am) and historically you are a giggly drunk not a an abusive one.

You're DP's version appears to be very different from your friends experience.

What is your relationship like wit your DP normally?

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 31/07/2015 14:00

He has form for sulking for days? Does he do this a lot?

Hissy · 31/07/2015 14:01

2 days in bed sulking? I could not be doing with that. will he do the same if someone at work pisses him off? is that why he was out of a job before?

I'm guessing not. So that means he reserves his stonewalling and sulking for you.

He's out of order and you need to inform him that he will not do this to you again or he can go and sulk in a bed in a bedsit or at his mother's or check himself into The Far Side of Fuck BnB.

What your colleague says means that he is using this to get at you - perhaps because he is starting work and resents the fact that he'll be working and you won't? This is also likely down to the fact that he doesn't like you drinking.

You are an adult and make your own decisions. He chooses to make his own which incorporate the decision as to whether he can accept the fact you will have a night out and drink on occasion, or not.

As I said to my now Ex, you don't 'approve' of something I did/do? you choose to leave or stay. You don't punish or torture me to get me to do what you want.

goddessofsmallthings · 31/07/2015 14:02

In which case it would seem your dh is not being entirely honest about the time you arrived home which suggests that he may imagined your verbally abusive attack on him at 4am, or has invented it in order to persuade you to adopt his attitude to alcohol.

Does he invariably call or text you on those occasions when you go out without him?.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/07/2015 14:02

Yeah, I'd assume he was lying too Hmm

That's really shitty

MokunMokun · 31/07/2015 14:04

He sounds miserable. Would people really expect a text from their partner when they are out drinking? I don't see what you did wrong except have fun. Assuming he's lying about the verbal abuse which sounds likely.

goddessofsmallthings · 31/07/2015 14:15

I have a low tolerance for sulkers; any more than half an hour and either they'd be out the door or I would.

I suggest you take yourself off you to your local tonight as per usual and be sure to check the time you leave and the time you arrive home and wait to see what if what he says tomorrow tallies with your recollection = that is if he deigns to talk to you.

Of course you should own whatever it is you're apologising for, but I can't see the value in saying sorry for things which in all probability you haven't done

For some reason I don't the sound of your dh; how did a happy drunk like you come to marry a teetotaller?

googoodolly · 31/07/2015 14:41

So, your colleague says you left before last orders (so, 11pm) and you only live five minutes away from the pub, but your DH says you got home and 4am and got abusive, and then he sulks and gives you the silent treatment for two days.

I really think that your DH took advantage of how drunk you were in order to lie to you about your behaviour so he has an excuse to sulk in bed for two days.

Does the sulking happen often? I have to say I don't tolerate sulking - half an hour to yourself to calm down is fine, but I wouldn't appreciate being ignored for days at a time, ME or not. His behaviour is wrong, regardless of what happened this time.

pocketsaviour · 31/07/2015 14:45

I've got to say if I was in your DH's position I would have been fuming, especially if you hadn't made firm plans for the day and he was expecting you back for dinner, and then couldn't get hold of you all night (not sure if this is the case from your OP.) If the colleague you were with was a (straight) male friend, I might have got quite paranoid when you didn't answer and jumped to the conclusion that you were too busy banging him.

I would also then have been bloody furious if you rolled in and woke me up, and were so drunk that you couldn't remember how you got home.

However, I would not take to my bed and sulk. You said your DH has ME - which does tend to flare up in times of stress. Do you suspect he uses his condition as a bit of an excuse to sulk? That's quite manipulative, and would piss me off.

googoodolly · 31/07/2015 14:51

But we only have the DH's word that she came in at 4am and got abusive. The colleague says she was happy and left the pub (5 mins away) before 11pm. I have to say I don't really believe a man who takes to his bed and sulks for days as "punishment". Which is what it is, really.

pocketsaviour · 31/07/2015 15:23

Yeah, I'm not saying she was or was not abusive - I don't know. We do know, however, that she can't remember how or when she got home, and will have woken him up when she came in - the sound of a drunk person coming home and trying to sober up in the kitchen is unmistakeable.

Garlick · 31/07/2015 15:31

While I'm at the pub, DH rang me ten times and sent me text messages asking why I was ignoring him

Why? Was there an emergency? Did he not know you were going out after work?

People posting on here that they've rung/texted their parter every half an hour while out are given very short shrift. Rightly so, imo.

I have a strong feeling this is is going to turn out to be one of those threads where more & more unpleasant behaviour from the DP will emerge :( He sounds like an arse already.

Unless there was actually a good reason to repeatedly phone you at the pub 5 mins from your house ... ?

butterflygirl15 · 31/07/2015 15:32

So either you came home drunk and abusive

or you came home normal time, a bit giggly - but he is making up a story to control/belitle/demean you. Does he normally kick up a fuss if you go out without him, is he controlling in other ways?

I can't decide which of the above is true. Only you know what he is like. But sulking and silent treatment for days is not acceptable. I would wonder why you stay with him if that is how he treats you. And if you are abusive to him then I would wonder why he stays with you.