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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is punishing me with the silent treatment

52 replies

SemperEadem83 · 31/07/2015 12:56

This situation is really getting me down. On Wednesday I spent the day with a colleague from work, we had a couple of bottles of wine and then went to the pub in the evening. While I'm at the pub, DH rang me ten times and sent me text messages asking why I was ignoring him, which I wasn't, I just didn't notice the phone going off as it was in my jacket on silent.

I'm ashamed to say that I drank rather too much and can't remember getting home, but it can't have been much after 11. When I woke up yesterday morning DH was cold to me and told me to leave him alone. He claims I got home at 4 o'clock in the morning and started giving him abuse. I tried to apologise (I can't remember having done this at all!) but he cut me off saying "don't apologise, it's pointless". He refused to speak to me at all yesterday, and stayed in bed all day. He still hasn't got up and I suspect he's deliberately punishing me. I already feel wretched enough that I might have hurt him but can't remember it.

I know I shouldn't have drunk so much and feel quite ashamed, but I hate being punished like this. I don't know what to do

OP posts:

runlulurun · 31/07/2015 15:33

I don't see how the OP's state of mind when leaving the pub means that she wouldn't have been abusive. Perhaps DH came over all disapproving and told him where to go, or that he was a miserable bore or some such thing which to DH's mind would be considered abusive!

Pure speculation obviously but rows escalate quickly with alcohol involved.

Garlick · 31/07/2015 15:34

You do know that staying in bed all day because you're in a bad mood is incredibly weird, don't you?

goddessofsmallthings · 31/07/2015 15:39

He's got form for being a bit of a drama queen

Says it all, really. If he doesn't stop being a princess I dread to think what life will be like for you, and them, if you have dc with him as he'll find no shortage of eggshells for you to dance on.

Goodbyemylove · 31/07/2015 15:40

You must have been very drunk if you don't remember how you got home?

Was your colleague a male? Is they why your h is pissed off?

Goodbyemylove · 31/07/2015 15:40

Typo sorry

runlulurun · 31/07/2015 15:41

perhaps as mentioned upthread he is genuinely hurt and upset and this has exacerbated his ME. Perhaps OP said some really hurtful things and actually he just doesn't want to talk to her right now.

Perhaps not, but this thread has very quickly turned into an assumption that the OP's DH is a controlling, manipulative sulker and that she should just ignore his childish behaviour.

OP, will he talk to you at some point? ask him what you have supposedly said. Or is he someone who sulks and then won't discuss it either.

Garlick · 31/07/2015 15:43

You must have been very drunk if you don't remember how you got home?

What, from the local five minutes walk away? I don't remember how I got home from the corner shop just now, and I'm stone cold sober.

Garlick · 31/07/2015 15:46

I've got ME. I am not starting work on Monday, because I can't work (or do anything much, really.) I still don't have to stay in bed all day if I'm upset.

Selfish sulkers & moody bullies, on the other hand, are known for it.

Original poster

SemperEadem83 · 31/07/2015 15:47

OK, so he finally got up and started talking to me. On the one hand, it turns out that "4am" was somewhat hyperbolic: he concedes that it was more likely around 12 (which is when the pub kicks out), and the "verbal abuse" was me telling him to fuck off when he was trying to get me to go to bed and sleep it off. I didn't wake him, as he's a night owl anyway and was playing on the PS3 at the time in the front room.

He knew I was spending the afternoon with my colleague, and he knew we'd be drinking (full disclosure: she's not a straight man!) but going to the pub was a spur of the moment ill-considered decision on our part, so he didn't know that. I spoke to him about 7 o'clock and told him I was going to the pub for a "quick one", and so he's not being unreasonable in wanting to know where I was three hours later. He doesn't text all the time if I'm out, but he was getting concerned.

He has used the tactic of playing on his ME before. We aren't the kind of couple to have stand-up blazing rows. Instead we either talk it through rationally like adults or we engage in unhealthy passive-agressive manipulative behaviour.

HOWEVER, on the other hand, I now feel like an absolute insensitive cunt. Wednesday was the first anniversary of his DF's death. I had completely forgotten until he told me today. I think that had this happened at any other time of the year, it would have just blown over and been a bit of a storm in a teacup. Now, it's escalated stupidly quickly and he's talking about us needing "time apart" :sad:

OP posts:

Original poster

SemperEadem83 · 31/07/2015 15:50

The reason he doesn't drink is because it affects his medication fairly badly: when we first met he used to put it away with the best of them. I used to work in pubs/restaurants and am fairly used to drinking, but I am fairly easily led when I'm pissed.

OP posts:

Celticlassie · 31/07/2015 15:57

To be fair - it's very easy to 'overphone' when you're concerned about someone. It's not like my husband at all not to phone to let me know what he's doing, so I have a tendency to call a few times if I'm worried about him (especially if he's drinking). It's only been once or twice but he's quite easy going about it. I don't think that in itself is in any way controlling.

Garlick · 31/07/2015 16:01

Yikes. That's bad news about the anniversary. And he's backtracked on the hyperbole.

I'll give him this one (kind of me, huh!) All the same, I think the pair of you want to watch out for this passive-aggressive lark. You can't run a decent relationship like that.

Joysmum · 31/07/2015 16:02

Oh God that's awful. We recently had the anniversary of FILs passing and it would have been his birthday next week. Already DH is struggling as he'll be working away so won't have my support.

You made a mistake with poor timing, that can't be helped now, beating yourself up will only make things worse as you need to focus on him. I hope you'll throw in a massive hug into the mix too

MamaMotherMummy · 31/07/2015 16:11

If I were your DH I'd be doing the same. Be kind to yourself and be kind to him and see how well you can mend things.

If I were in your position, I would be offering a genuine heartfelt apology for staying out drinking, not answering the phone and telling him to fuck off when he tried to help you. I think you would expect the same from him. If my husband did that I would be devastated and would indeed be silent. I think he is silent, waiting for you to acknowledge how much he is hurt and feels disrespected by you.

You calling him a drama queen is unkind and invalidating his feelings. If you were genuinely upset and he called you a drama queen, would you like that?

LadyPlumpington · 31/07/2015 16:14

Ok, well, whilst you did get the timing MASSIVELY wrong (my mum died last year and I'd have not been impressed if DH went out on the lash on the anniversary, albeit unwittingly), he could have told you why exactly he was so upset rather than taking to his bed in a fit of pissyness for 2 days and leaving you none the wiser. You've both messed up a bit here.

Talk it out and try not to descend into "unhealthy passive-agressive manipulative behaviour" again, would be my advice. And maybe apologise again this weekend and say that you really wouldn't have gone out if you'd had your thinking head on and that it was stupid and that you're sorry.

By the way, does he not talk much? Because I talked about the upcoming anniversary more and more as it loomed up - I don't think DH would have been able to convincingly claim that it took him by surprise.....

goddessofsmallthings · 31/07/2015 16:34

So, after 2 days of sulking in bed he's admitted that he lied through his teeth and has now made you feel like an insensitive cunt because Wednesday was the 1st anniversary of his df's passing.

Why didn't he mention this significant date was coming up earlier in the week, or tell you before you went off to meet your colleague?

It could be said that you were out of order in not letting him know that your 'quick one' was turning into a longer session but, as he knew where you were and it would have only taken a 5 minute walk for him to join you, it seems to me he's played the pity card to excuse his disproportional mega-sulk and gain the upper hand.

Time apart will give you a break from his emotionally manipulative behaviour, but I suspect that this suggestion is merely another attempt on his part to make you feel bad about yourself.

Do be sure to go your local tonight as this may enable him to understand that the only games of his that are guaranteed to work are the ones he plays in the front room till all hours.

runlulurun · 31/07/2015 16:35

Sorry to hear that he wants to spend time apart. There is perhaps more to this than just this incident. I think you can already see that he has a point on this occasion.

Is he feeling like you are disregarding his feelings/he doesn't matter. I am just thinking the sum total of recent events point in this direction (forgetting the anniversary of FIL's death, not considering that he would be worried about you as you were later than he was expecting, telling him to fuck off and then putting his behaviour down to 'punishing you' rather than considering that he is genuinely upset and doesn't want to be around you.)

Is this a recurring theme with you two as a couple?

I hope you manage to sort it out OP.

runlulurun · 31/07/2015 16:38

Do be sure to go your local tonight as this may enable him to understand that the only games of his that are guaranteed to work are the ones he plays in the front room till all hours.

Are you kidding? FFS can men not feel genuinely hurt and upset? if they express any kind of hurt we assume they are playing games and should teach them who's boss? I really feel this is one of those situations where the same advice would not be given if the genders were reversed.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 31/07/2015 16:39

I think you behaved really badly and should look to your own behaviour before criticising his.

Garlick · 31/07/2015 16:46

this is one of those situations where the same advice would not be given if the genders were reversed.

No, it wouldn't. Phone & text frenzy when he knew where his partner was and could have gone there himself if he needed to talk to her, followed by lying about her behaviour, followed by an interminable sulk in bed.

I empathise about the anniversary, but it's nowhere near an excuse for all that and no Mumsnetter would be let off the hook.

runlulurun · 31/07/2015 16:51

Or "it was the anniversary of my DF's death and I was feeling emotional and like I really needed DH's support. DH said he was going for a quick drink. Hours later he still hadn't come back and wasn't answering his phone. I was so worried that something had happened to him on top of everything else. I am not well either. When DH finally did get home I tried to get him to go to bed and he just told me to fuck off. I just don't want to speak to him at the moment I feel so let down by his selfishness. He thinks I am just trying to punish him and that I am being a self indulgent drama queen...."

It'd be LTB all over the place.

I also don't see how you can phoning multiple times is unreasonable, but turning up at the pub would have been ok?!

Original poster

SemperEadem83 · 31/07/2015 17:27

I originally posted before I knew it was the anniversary of FIL's death: god do I feel awful about it now. In light of this, yes, I fully agree that I have been pretty dreadful behaviour-wise here (although a bit of communication from DH wouldn't have gone amiss beforehand!)

I do think that there are underlying issues in our relationship that need sorting, so I've suggested we give Relate a go.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 31/07/2015 18:04

What Garlick said.

I have been known to be genuinely hurt and upset by the behaviour of a partner, but it's never caused me to lie about what they haven't done, sulk in my bed for 2 days while giving them the silent treatment, follow through with an ace of a pity card, and then tell them we need time apart.

What manner of man, or woman for that matter, does that?

He's got you playing the role of penitent to his saint, OP. You have got issues in your marriage and it's be hoped that whatever Relate counsellor is assigned to your case is well-versed in the cause and effect of emotional manipulation.

Btw if, when you told him you were meeting up wth a colleague on Wednesday, he'd said it was the 1st anniversary of his df's passing I have no doubt you'd have offered to cancel or re-arrange, at which time he could have said 'go ahead but please make sure you're home by 7' or similar.

The fact the above conversation didn't take place, nor did he draw your attention to the date or ask to you come home when you called tell him you were going to the pub, suggests that he himself may have forgotten until sometime later that evening when he tried to phone you but, of course, you'll never get the truth out of a liar or an apology out of someone who will never admit to their own failings but makes much of what they allege to be the failings of others.

pocketsaviour · 31/07/2015 18:28

OP, while I wouldn't blame you for forgetting the anniversary (I'm shit at things like that) I do think you behaved badly on the day, but clearly your communication isn't working at the moment if his way of reacting is to take to his bed. (Although I note he may have suffered an ME flare up if he was stressed about the anniversary.)

I think Relate could be a good option for you both to work on speaking to each other honestly and openly instead of the PA stuff. Good luck.

googoodolly · 31/07/2015 18:51

Yikes. Bad timing, but he didn't need to go bed, sulk and suggest you need time apart because of it! He could have reminded you the day before, not thrown it against you in afterwards. If it was that important, he'd have told you before you went out, surely?

I'm not playing down the grief he must be going through, but it seems as though he's thrown it in as an excuse afterthought, not as a reason for his poor behaviour.

Plus, you say he's done it before. He goes to bed and sulks until he decides you've been punished enough. And now he's decided you need time apart...because you came in late and forgot the anniversary of his dad's death, which he didn't even bring up himself until afterwards!

He doesn't really sound very pleasant. Quite manipulative and passive-egressive, actually.

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