after dinner chat - not what I was expecting to hear??

[Sparkles2010]

totally confused today and after some friendly advice please here goes........ have been with my partner for 5 years and it's always been quite rollercoastery. We have periods where everything is lovely and happy and then periods like now where I feel everything I do annoys him no matter how hard I try I feel like he doesn't want to be with me.
Sex life started off great but just lately it's been once a month - six weeks. I put this down to abit of everything (he works hard and long hours and i just assume after that long these things happen and sleep becomes more important) I've tried to talk to him about how lack of sex makes me feel and he dismisses it says I'm obsessed, it's not the be all and end all etc but he isn't overly tactile either so I feel it's important for keeping that connection otherwise we are just friends who live together right?
Last night though after dinner and a few drinks it came out that he doesn't find me attractive anymore not necessarily my looks but my 'lack of drive and ambition' and that's why we haven't had sex. He wants a career woman and a go getter where as I'm fairly happy in my job and at some point want children and to be a mum. I said this and he Said 'no man wants to hear that these days' he said something along the lines of I'll give you 3 months to do something about it or that's it.
To an extent he is right I've had the same job for years and there's no real room for progression but I guess I'm so emotionally involved I just want some outside points of view.
Are we just not matched very well and want different things and should I call it quits now. Or is he trying to help me better myself but going the wrong way about it? I slept in the spare room last night and we haven't spoken yet today. I just feel sick at the thought of it ending as I do love him But I can't help feeling he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore and don't know if we can get past this?
Any advice greatfully received haven't really got anyone in RL I can talk to about this

get rid. you're mismatched. He is trying to mould you into someone else..first the job, then it'll be your hobbies, books you read, food you eat, clothes you wear. if he liked you for you, he wouldn't change a thing. tell him you are happy with your choices and are not changing for him..change will happen for you.

Thank you I've just been reading up on today's replies and you are all right looking back there have been lots of instances of this controlling behaviour what to wear who to see/not see etc.
whilst it isn't going to be easy you are right children are something I want even if I don't meet anyone new atleast I won't end up having them with some one who isn't interested in having them with me.

You will meet new people later on OP.
The trouble with being with twats like this ime is they wear you down and you end up thinking no-one would want you. Once you get over him your self esteem will increase and you will feel better and more desirable. Do you have a plan already of what to do next?

Good on you Sparkles.

I'm really sorry for your pain Sparkles! I hope at some point soon you will see this as a gift from him, he is telling you why he is not good enough for you.

I do tend to agree that if he doesn't already have a woman he is comparing you to there is maybe a woman he wishes he was with or even in general, perhaps he envies a friend's relationship with a "go-getter" type of woman - the grass is always greener and all that. It may not be the case but anecdotally through my years on this earth (and a decade of working in family law) I tend to observe that men leave because they want someone new and need the security or at least strong potential of a new partner to be ready and waiting. It's women who are more likely to leave because they are unhappy in a relationship and they don't need to have a replacement or potential replacement lined up.

Please don't let him be the decider of whether you are a successful adult woman or not, I think you will see very soon that you are worth much more than this man and he is not worth half as much as he thinks he is, which leads me to say I hope you ditch him and DON"T take him back when he tries.

I'm afraid he's in for a rude awakening that even if he looks like George Clooney, with his sense of entitlement and the lousy way in which he treats his partner, the go-getter women of his dreams are likely to find him extremely unattractive.

Your job is none of his concern. You have a job so that is a positive

I think what he is really saying, is that he does not want a family with you

If you want a family, I would split immediately

You do not have to give him a reason

Start a new happy, positive life without him & start making your dreams come true

He sounds a delight. You're not going to try and 'do something about it', are you? Obviously he's not worth it at all, but on a practical level you're not going to become a 'career woman' in 3 months even if you did want to so just give it up as a bad job now. As a pp said, no reason why he should get to be the one to decide.

OP please please, please get rid of this vile man. You are worth SO much more.

Give him 3 days to get out of your life.

What a hideously unattractive specimen! I would never be able to be with someone after that. How DARE he?!

Don't EVER change yourself and your values for anyone, let alone this prick!

Sorry I sound aggressive, I'm just so mad on your behalf

My piece of doo doo shocked me when he told my 52 year old self that I was starting to 'go a bit ' around the eyes. This was obviously because the 42 year old replacement in the wings hadn't!

The fact that he'd been lugging around a huge pot belly for decades didn't come into it.

I didn't know about MN then. It would have been seen as a huge red flag.

When a man wants to change you, I now know he wants to change you.

You're fine just as you are. Time to kick him to the kerb . That's the only change you need to make.

You're being very strong and decisive . Once you're out from his shadow you will blossom , like I did.

My new OH doesn't comment on the fact that my 63 year old eyes have ' gone' quite a lot. Like kittens said, he's just very grateful to have me in his life.

Men are so blind to the fact that they age too! It's like it's something that doesn't apply to them.

We had another talk last night but feel we are just going round in circles and the more I think about things the more I realise he doesn't make me as happy as he used to either. Maybe the relationship has just run its course.
He is away at a works conference the end of this week so I suggested he stay at the hotel for a few more days until the weekend to give us some space. He did get upset too last night and said he feels like he has lost his way and now doesn't know why he said what he did. I'm guessing this is because I said what I did and told him that even if there was no one else out there who accepted me for me I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't love me for what I am and that generally over the years I have grown but ultimately not changed from the person he once fell in love with.
A work colleague has said I can stay in their spare room for the time being so I'm thinking that may be the answer and hoping this time apart may make me realise I don't actually miss him or need him as much as he thinks I do.
Thank you all again for your words of support.

So, he's quickly backtracking.

But I think you might as well go. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who wasn't sure, or simply that said it to me. Particularly if there are no children involved.

Be really strong and firm op. He will have a shock if you stand up for yourself even if he has got his eye on someone else.