after dinner chat - not what I was expecting to hear??

[Sparkles2010]

totally confused today and after some friendly advice please here goes........ have been with my partner for 5 years and it's always been quite rollercoastery. We have periods where everything is lovely and happy and then periods like now where I feel everything I do annoys him no matter how hard I try I feel like he doesn't want to be with me.
Sex life started off great but just lately it's been once a month - six weeks. I put this down to abit of everything (he works hard and long hours and i just assume after that long these things happen and sleep becomes more important) I've tried to talk to him about how lack of sex makes me feel and he dismisses it says I'm obsessed, it's not the be all and end all etc but he isn't overly tactile either so I feel it's important for keeping that connection otherwise we are just friends who live together right?
Last night though after dinner and a few drinks it came out that he doesn't find me attractive anymore not necessarily my looks but my 'lack of drive and ambition' and that's why we haven't had sex. He wants a career woman and a go getter where as I'm fairly happy in my job and at some point want children and to be a mum. I said this and he Said 'no man wants to hear that these days' he said something along the lines of I'll give you 3 months to do something about it or that's it.
To an extent he is right I've had the same job for years and there's no real room for progression but I guess I'm so emotionally involved I just want some outside points of view.
Are we just not matched very well and want different things and should I call it quits now. Or is he trying to help me better myself but going the wrong way about it? I slept in the spare room last night and we haven't spoken yet today. I just feel sick at the thought of it ending as I do love him But I can't help feeling he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore and don't know if we can get past this?
Any advice greatfully received haven't really got anyone in RL I can talk to about this

I agree with those saying you are mismatched and he wants something different.

He gets lots of black marks for delivering this news in an unkind and callous way - but better that he is honest with you really.

People are different and do want different things in a partner. There is rarely anything objectively "wrong" in a person's needs and wants - they just are what they are.

There is nothing wrong with him wanting/being more turned on by an ambitious go-getter than there is in a man wanting/ being more turned on by a nurturing woman who wants to focus her whole time and attention on building a family and being a wife and mother.

There will be someone out there for you just as there will be for him.

Painful as it is, I'd break up with him now because otherwise this will be long drawn out and more painful.

The ONLY man worth having as a partner in life is the man who thinks he is damned lucky to have you! Do NOT accept anything less. That is my advice, and what I taught my two adult daughters as they grew up. Don't accept anything less for yourself. Place a high value on yourself, your worth and your place in this world. To live with someone who wants me to be 'better' or 'different' or 'other' than I actually am, would be torture to me.

SO glad to hear you gave him what for and have taken back the control! He was surprised by that, wasn't he? Fucker. Don't be shocked if this assertive 'new' you has him rescinding the three month notice period. He'll want to claw back being in charge of the situation; don't let him!

and tbh a lack of drive and ambition don't start and end at work, there are many ways to be ambitious and have drive without getting a promotion,, e.g. most people would say someone who trained to run a marathon was pretty driven, irrespective of their job and career, so apart from anything else, he is lacking in imagination.

It does rather sound like he's been your lord and master. You've made excuses for him and loved him adoringly. You even stopped packing when he said so - started packing in the first place bcs you thought he said so.

Completely agree with kitten's fil's advice.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off. You've done all the work in the relationship, made all the compromises (why, when you were getting nothing back?). Now he tells you you're not blingy enough. He can fuck off. Immediately, not in 3 months (is he your line manager?)

You would have been perfectly justified in giving him three months to start behaving like a proper partner, showing affection, sex more than once a month etc or he's dumped. As it is he's saved you the trouble.

You obviously have a lot of love to give. This just isn't the right recipient.

You have a job! It's not like you're sitting around eating tortilla chips on the sofa 9-5

I would rip the plaster off this one.

Walk away with dignity. If he lovely you, he wouldn't be looking for things to analyse and criticise.

Delighted to hear you've shocked him, he seriously had that coming.

He wants you to do the pick me dance for three months, trying to win him, and at the end of that time he'll decide whether or not you've worked hard enough and/or he feels like staying with you? Er, fuck that?

Anyone who comes out with that kind of manipulative, unkind game playing is no prize in a relationship, they're a wanker. Anyone who treats you like you're so wholly beneath him is not someone worth your time and attention. How dare he? Get rid love. Walk away and find someone who is able to act like a grown up in a relationship and who deserves you.

It sounds as though you've become used to walking on eggshells around him. I think you'll find it really relaxing to be away from him.

Let me get this straight: he won't have sex with you because of your job?

Gosh he really loves you for you are doesn't he?
Tell this superficial wrogun not to come home unless he's GQ ready with abs akin to David Beckcham and a bank balance to match. You feel he's inferior to other men because he doesn't drive a Ferrari and you wanted a man that could provide a summer house in the south of France and he's just not cutting it.
Tell him his job's shit too, Pete down the road has a real career.
Honestly get rid. He's the type that wants a so called career woman, who then has to juggle his children and the house and is too tired for sex when she can't manage to be superwoman.
Then he'll be out shagging escorts as you're not porn star ready. This man is superficial. Be yourself and get a genuine guy.
Good luck xxx

Typos galore sorry I'm on you're behalf.

He's plucked a time frame out of thin air but probably won't show any of the old affection or enthusiasm in the meantime.

I would start cutting back on the little chores and niceties that he takes for granted and book things to do without him at weekends. If he habitually works late anyway you don't have to worry about becoming ships that pass in the night. Get that address book out, you need to shore up friendships. If you ask around at work perhaps a colleague needs a flatmate or lodger.

Good to read your update - you took the wind out of his sails by establishing dissatisfaction works both ways, and you made your voice heard.

PS You asked how to put names in bold: put an asterisk either side of a single word or phrase to make it stand out, (the asterisks won't show).

I think you need to think very carefully about what comes next OP. Well done to you for standing up to him, but what now?

I totally agree with the pp who said that the only man worth your attention is one who thinks he is damned lucky to have you. Anything else is a waste of time. Sadly this man does not come into that category. If you stay with him where will you be in five years' time? Will he still be stringing you along on having children or maybe you'll have children and he'll be cheating on you because he feels entitled to do so.

I don't think there is any way back from this if I am honest. He doesn't feel he is lucky to have you, he is taking you for granted and putting you down after only five years together. That means he is not a keeper and you can do far better.

Throw him back and find yourself a good man with whom you can build a strong lifelong relationship.

Well done for standing up to him OP, go you!

You've had some good advice on here and I don't have much to add, except one comment on the sex thing. It was obviously an issue before he dropped the "bombshell" about not finding you attractive because of your job (which is ridiculous and an excuse IMO!). What strikes me is that you raised it with him and told him how you felt, but he dismissed your feelings and said you were being "obsessive". That's really horrible - not the response of a loving, respectful partner at all. It's not obsessive to want physical affection more than once every 4-6 weeks!!

If you do decide to split up (which I think would be the right decision) I wish you an enjoyable, carefree single life without him dragging you down, or a loving partner who deserves you!

Wow what a twat. Dump him. Life is way too short.

Well done OP and good luck x

I think that if he is saying things like this now, and behaving in this way, I personally would call it quits. If and when you decide you want to make changes in your life, you will do it for yourself. Let him go off and find his career woman- I guarantee you that when you are with somebody who is right for you, with an amazing family and a fullfilling job, he will be the one that is crying into his empty wine glass. Leave before you have ties that will make it much harder to do so. Goodluck! xxx

I bet that because your DP "works long and hard hours" you do the majority of the household chores during the week? If this is the case does he realise that if you turn into this career focused superwoman that he so desires then he'll have to pick up the slack from you being out of the house for longer hours? Even if you get a cleaner they won't be food shopping or cooking his dinner and so on.

Do you currently get any benefit from your DP working long hours e.g do you share finances, does he pay proportionally more for household expenses etc?

Short and sweet - Don't waste the 3 months with him.

He's manipulating you. He probably enjoys seeing you go through all kinds of hoops for him. And he's got you to do this for all these years. So he's probably a bit shocked you stood up for yourself. So for a little while he's going to be a bit nicer to you. But he'll go back to being himself in a few weeks.
Maybe he's got his eyes on someone else, maybe he just wants out of the relationship but doesn't want the responsibility for it, maybe he just enjoys being manipulative. Maybe it's all of the above. Whatever the reason for his nastiness, you need to move on. This man doesn't love you and respect you. He's a bully who will make your life hell. The only thing you can do is pack and leave and don't look back.

fantastic that is a really inspirational post and has really made me aware that this is something I need to teach my DD as she grows up

Please call his bluff and separate, salvage your self respect.

He does not love you, sorry, he is full of contempt, he puts you down and you accept it, so glad you finally stood up for yourself, there's a lot nicer men out there than this creep, I'd never be with a man that spoke to me like that, he's making it very clear what he really thinks of you.

You sound lovely btw.

If you do want kids, you need to leave this man and find someone who is in the same place as you, not waste any more time on him

I, too, noticed the fobbing-off with "you're obsessed..." and that disgusts me almost more than his career woman comments. The "non-tactile" thing is a red flag as well, but see below.

Sorry, OP, I'm with the ranks of posters who think he's got somebody else (or planning to) or, alternatively, a porn addiction. Either can result in a decreased sex drive with the real, breathing woman in one's life.

But I also agree with cleammyhouse, in that it almost doesn't matter.

Bottom line, and I'd say this to anybody: why does he get to decide? Answer: he doesn't, any more than you do. Vote with your feet.

Finally, you're wondering why he doesn't want you to leave? Because he wants you to obey, that's why.

Between this and some of the other things you mentioned, I'm sensing there's a lot more red flags in your "rollercoaster" relationship you haven't mentioned. Read up about abusive men; I'm sorry to say you'll probably have your eyes opened.