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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

after dinner chat - not what I was expecting to hear??

91 replies

Sparkles2010 · 26/07/2015 14:32

totally confused today and after some friendly advice please here goes........ have been with my partner for 5 years and it's always been quite rollercoastery. We have periods where everything is lovely and happy and then periods like now where I feel everything I do annoys him no matter how hard I try I feel like he doesn't want to be with me.
Sex life started off great but just lately it's been once a month - six weeks. I put this down to abit of everything (he works hard and long hours and i just assume after that long these things happen and sleep becomes more important) I've tried to talk to him about how lack of sex makes me feel and he dismisses it says I'm obsessed, it's not the be all and end all etc but he isn't overly tactile either so I feel it's important for keeping that connection otherwise we are just friends who live together right?
Last night though after dinner and a few drinks it came out that he doesn't find me attractive anymore not necessarily my looks but my 'lack of drive and ambition' and that's why we haven't had sex. He wants a career woman and a go getter where as I'm fairly happy in my job and at some point want children and to be a mum. I said this and he Said 'no man wants to hear that these days' he said something along the lines of I'll give you 3 months to do something about it or that's it.
To an extent he is right I've had the same job for years and there's no real room for progression but I guess I'm so emotionally involved I just want some outside points of view.
Are we just not matched very well and want different things and should I call it quits now. Or is he trying to help me better myself but going the wrong way about it? I slept in the spare room last night and we haven't spoken yet today. I just feel sick at the thought of it ending as I do love him But I can't help feeling he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore and don't know if we can get past this?
Any advice greatfully received haven't really got anyone in RL I can talk to about this

OP posts:

achieve6 · 26/07/2015 15:47

I had someone who went on at me about how I wasn't fulfilling my potential with the job I had chosen.

I dropped him pretty quick. Initially, he managed to phrase it as a compliment but I soon realised he meant what your BF has spelled out to you.

Not having a go, I do understand why anyone of either gender might want an equal earner. But I notice you mention "is it a misguided attempt to make me better myself" - if I'm not good enough as is, then I would just move on. I presume you wanted a partner and not a life coach?!

cleanmyhouse · 26/07/2015 15:47

Forget all the OW stuff that inevitably geys trotted out on here.

The fact is, he wants something different and has delivered this piece of information in the most uncaring, thoughtless way. What a shit.

If you're going to find ambition, make it ambition to leave him and find someone who will appreciate who you are, not what he wants you to be.

I am genuinely shocked at how cruel he was in what he said to you.

Hissy · 26/07/2015 15:57

With respect clean I get what you are saying, but it's incredible how many men change radically when there is someone else. Most don't make noises like this without having something or someone else in mind. Of course we hope we're wrong, but sadly it happens far too frequently to be dismissed out of hand.

Something is up. Something has changed his opinion in a short space of time, when they have been together long enough to expect that things will move on to the next level. Either he's never been forward thinking and now push is coming to shove and its forcing his hand, or he's met a catalyst.

The5DayChicken · 26/07/2015 16:05

I'd bet on him at the very least having a strong crush on someone else and comparing you to her. Leave him, love. How does he really think this is going to work? You jump through hoops for 3 months in an effort to transform yourself and he then decides whether you've done enough to become attractive?

I suspect he isn't actually cheating...He's reluctant for you to leave despite being quite clear about his feelings for you. This suggests to me that he doesn't want to be single and doesn't have someone 'lined up'. Though he might be trying to get you to be more like someone who's rejected him.

Original poster

Sparkles2010 · 26/07/2015 16:11

Thank you clean (not sure how I highlight you on here like others have) but you're post really hit home. i deserve better than this and a new job isn't going to make me any more attractive to him. He just doesn't fancy me anymore ( Im now beginning to wonder if this has always been the case and it was more of a you'll do as I know how much you love me kind of thing)
Does love ever get any easier?!

OP posts:

bouquetdiva · 26/07/2015 16:30

Do not think that you are at fault here. He may have commitment issues or a fantasy in his head of an ideal woman who does not exist. Be strong and he will either realise your value or let you move on to a man who will want to marry you and have children

Allofaflumble · 26/07/2015 16:31

Sparkles please don't waste your loveliness on this man. The fact he would say this shows he does not have your interests at heart.

Why put yourself at the begging end of a relationship? Pack your bags and leave with your head held high. No a discussions and just tell him you can do a lot better.

Amserhaf · 26/07/2015 16:34

He is talking like a man who is already seeing someone else in my opinion.

honeyroar · 26/07/2015 16:35

It makes no difference why he said what he said, or whether there is someone else or not. He insulted you and gave you notice on a relationship end unless you change. Please go back to him and tell him at you've thoug about it and have decided that you like being who you are and won't be changing, so thanks but no thanks and wish him the best of luck in e future with his career woman that doesn't want children.

Then lick your wounds and in time find someone who values you.

derxa · 26/07/2015 16:39

I rarely say this but he is saying clearly that it's over. Sorry and hope you find someone nice soon.

Lweji · 26/07/2015 16:40

Did he tell you why he didn't want you to leave last night?

If by being a mum, you meant a stay at home mum, then it's something you could have discussed, not given you an ultimatum to prove your worth after 5 years.
It looks like he wants out, or you bending yourself backwards to meet his shifting requirements. I wonder what would be next...

I'd really be on my way out.

holdyourown · 26/07/2015 16:43

He's either;

being such a twat that you dump him (coward) or
giving you what's effectively a 3 month notice period

I agree with pp that he probably has OW in his sights. You deserve and will find far better than this idiot. I know it's hard right now.

If it were me I would tell him I've decided its over. It will hurt for a little while but then you can get on with the rest of your life, find someone who loves you just as you are and have children with them.

sooperdooper · 26/07/2015 16:52

What an absolute wanker! Why on earth should you change anything about yourself for me, and why in his nonsense timescale?

I think you should, as others have said, leave now with your pride intact, you deserve someone who loves you as you are :)

Amserhaf · 26/07/2015 16:58

The timescale just an excuse as he is sort of hoping that if she does become the woman he has asked her to become then he will feel in love with her again. Unfortunately it wont, he already has his eye on the woman that he wants her to copy.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 26/07/2015 17:16

He sounds like a serial monogamist, you know the kind that like to overlap relationships? He's got someone in mind and this is actually his twisted idea of letting you down gently...warning that he's starting something new and this is all going to be over in 3 months. Makes him feel better about himself rather than actually having to be a man and end the relationship.

But whatever is going on, seriously, ditch him. This is not how people in love, in equal partnerships behave toward each other.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 26/07/2015 17:28

The thing is OP even if you suddenly became CEO of bloody Apple, he could (and would!) still dump you - this time it would be accompanied by "you dont love me anymore you are never here to fawn over me and give me attention "

Better to live the life you want which is true to how you are and should you end up finding someone who wants to be part of that then grand.

BolshierAyraStark · 26/07/2015 17:44

Please don't waste your time trying to please this fuckwit prize of a man, whatever you do it wont be enough.
Dump him & give yourself the chance to find a man who wants the same as you, he does exist but you wont happen across him while you're jumping through hoops for this twat.

StealthPolarBear · 26/07/2015 17:48

What a lower. Don't waste any more of your time on him. He's very specific about how he wants you to be, I wonder if he ever wonders what you think of him. Or is he just happy that the sun shines out of his arse and you're lucky to have him. Well you're not!

Original poster

Sparkles2010 · 26/07/2015 17:51

Thank you all for your messages and support so often on here you see people jump on one another when they don't like what's said or the truth hurts but sometimes it's what you need to hear. We have had a talk and both got upset I've said that maybe we need some time apart to figure out what it is we want and he seemed shocked that I was thinking about moving out however short a time for. He swears there is no one else just that these sort of stuck in a rut feelings have been developing over the last few months and I have said we both need time out to think about what we want from this relationship and whether it's worth fighting for. I told him as you have all pointed out that a new job isn't going to change things and if i do anything about my job it'll be because I want to and he needs to accept me warts and all or not at all. Think it's probably the first time I've stood up to him and I feel so much better for it.

OP posts:

kittensinmydinner · 26/07/2015 17:54

My lovely wise late dfil had the best words of wisdom EVER for matters of the heart. "If a man doesn't worship the ground you walk on - fuck him off." End of.

StealthPolarBear · 26/07/2015 17:55

You're brilliant. Jeep standing up for yourself.

Footle · 26/07/2015 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TattieHowkerz · 26/07/2015 17:57

Show him the you have drive and ambition..
Drive to do better than this dickhead, and ambition to be prized for who you are.

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2015 17:57

OP, you sound lovely and he sounds horrible. Focus on getting out of there and meeting someone who deserves you. It seems he has a very high opinion of himself and wants someone who reflects his worth (in his head.)

Can you afford to go immediately?

NotGoingOut17 · 26/07/2015 18:00

Being happy in a job is an achievement in itself (and one I wish I could achieve) I know very few people in real life who have achieved this. As long as you earn enough to pay the bills etc. then I don't see why you need to progress (unless you want to) - surely your happiness should be more important to him than whether he has a 'career woman' on his arm. is he happy in his job? just wonder whether he is projecting his desire to be ambitious on to you and perhaps resents the fact that you are content in your job although you aren't working as hard in his eyes. I am guessing now but whether that's true or not, it is a bit bloody late 5 years into a relationship to start moving the goal posts.

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