DH wants to kick DD out

[pleasegivemeadvice]

I don't know what to do. My DH wants to kick our DD(16) out.

They have had a difficult relationship for a couple of years and he has said previously that he wants her out to both her and me. To me this is not going to happen which I have said repeatedly.

Last week there was an argument and he ended up locking her out telling her not to come back and then going to bed. I stayed up, unlocked the door and tried to find her but I couldn't. Eventually received text from her saying she was staying at someone's house. Next morning he left for work before I was up and then went straight away for the weekend. He didn't get in touch to see if she was ok.

When he got back I was angry with him and asked why he didn't get in touch. He said he thought she was back and he wanted her out anyway. I haven't spoken to him since. I have heard him telling her this week that he doesnt want her here or to leave.

I don't know where to go from here. We also have another DD(11) who adores him but this situation can't continue. Apart from this I would have said that we had a good relationship. I am fairly sure that he won't leave so it would be me that has to leave with the girls and this would cause my youngest DD a lot of distress.

DD's behaviour, whilst challenging at times, in my opinion is not that bad although they do wind each other up.

Also it is his birthday today and I'm feeling bad that he's spent it not being spoken to.

Apologies for the length of this but I just want some advice.

The child is pushing boundaries, but nothing I have read on here warrants her being kicked out.
Perhaps issues are not being dealt with but are people seriously suggesting that the solution is to kick a child out of home with nowhere to go?

Flicking lights on and off for hours, throwing furniture etc is appalling behaviour, assuming it's not a sign of autism or similar. Both DH and I wouldn't be able to tolerate it in a 16-year-old. Any posters who think this behaviour is acceptable .. well, I am surprised. But what does your DD say about it herself when she's calm and not in a temper tantrum? Is she ashamed and realises that this is not OK? Does she want to access help so that she can change?

I understand that your DH may feel frustrated and fed up. You all need to work together to change this behaviour. Showing her the door is not the answer. Researching ways to access help would be a priority IMO.

OP you and her father are legally obliged to house your daughter until she is 18.
If you/he can no longer cope with her behaviour then you may need to speak to child social services.
There has to be a reason for her behaviour.

Social services won't do anything. The threshold for their intervention is very high. If SS get involved so will the family protection unit of the police and they will bring dd home to you and tell your h that she is your responsibility until she is 18.
Also my DP wirjs with homeless people. Many of them are young and have been kicked out by parents. Lots of them have drug and alcohol addictions. Kicking young, vulnerable kids out leaves them open to all manor of unsavoury situations and predatory people. Also their life chances can be impacted negatively with higher rates of unemployment and lasting poverty. Please think very carefully before exposing your dd to the above. Personally I'd leave your h, your dd needs your guidance and protection.

I'd take the lightbulb out if someone kept doing that for hours, and doors off the hinges if they got slammed repeatedly. What I wouldn't do is kick a 15 year old girl out of the house.

I host homeless young people through an org called Nightstop. There are a lot of initiatives like this across the country. Contact Nightstop or Shelter to get a list. We host a yp while permanent accommodation is arranged on their behalf, including help with a deposit if the only option is private rental.

Tbh it is impossible to know the truth in the stories I hear. You are far from alone in this, op, it is a very common problem and the solution is not always straightforward. Orgs like Nightstop can give you pointers re support, family therapy etc. As a parent you also have to have your eye on the needs of other children in the family - you need support. ParentlinePlus offer ongoing support for families/teens in conflict/crisis.

You must let your gp know the situation - that your family is in crisis.

Springy I never heard about Nightstop. I am going to check it out thank you for mentioning. I admire you for being a host. I have had a few issues with my teenagers and maybe at some point I can offer assistance to other young people.

Well done you, that is really commendable.

Apols for hijack OP.

My abusive father tried to kick me out when I was 15. I wanted to leave but I actually stayed purely to piss him off. Things were very bad.

My mother, like you, was stuck in the middle of our rows for years. Like your daughter, though, I really was not a bad kid. A bit mouthy and moody - well, that's teenagers for you. Unfortunately, Dad could not believe that it wasn't all a great insult to the grand clan patriarch, escalated every situation and frequently assaulted me while calling me every name under the sun, wishing me dead and so on. (I didn't flick on light switches or throw furniture, he sometimes threw furniture and sometimes at me, really I was just a smart mouth and needed to be ignored and treated with a bit of adult disdain rather than punched in the mouth and kicked down the stairs...but still, you guys have to be the adults and the parents because, well, you are.)

So it sounds like a familiar situation. And as the adult and the parent, your husband has to man up. It's too much to ask a 16 year old to have the emotional maturity to deal with this. If they won't go to joint counselling together, try to persuade your husband to go, or maybe get a friend he respects and whose opinion he would value to explain, in terms he understands and doesn't find critical or personal, that he has to just ride out the teenage storm because that's all it is, and it actually isn't that bad if he could just get his head out of his bum for five minutes.

As for leaving...I actually wished my mother had done that and to this day, eight years after Dad's death, I would have respected her more if she had. Dad's temper was foul and escalated and I frankly was not safe in that house. I don't believe in setting yourself on fire to keep others warm but if a grown man cannot be trusted not to physically harm a teenage girl (it's hardly a fair fight) then one way or another they need to be separated. And since your daughter hasn't actually done anything except be a moody teenager, and is still legally a child, then if one of them leaves it has to be the adult, parent, grown, financially independent man, if he can't handle it.

Dad's abuse has wrecked my mental health (my depression is solely down to him), damn nearly wrecked my sex life (I had severe vaginismus for years thanks to the issues he left me with and thought for a long time I was asexual - thank God I've since discovered someone who reversed all that damage and how) and is currently wrecking my first pregnancy. I just pray to God it won't wreck my relationship with my own child when it arrives. I don't say this to make it all about me, but just to reinforce the importance of sorting this out NOW, and how important it is for your husband either to act like a man and rise above, or GTFO if he can't.

My first thought is to question that this is even a 'discipline' issue. It doesn't sound like standard 'bad behaviour' from a sixteen year old. I would check and see if the GP has something useful to say (don't hold your breath) and plan to book an appointment with a private psychologist if I could afford it at all.

I too had a abusive father growing up, I was a daddy's girl until I became a teenager, then it was like he couldn't handle me so just he just started to ignore me when ever I did something he didn't like ( I was a bit mouthy too and did smoke but nothing too extreme!!)

My mother took his side and I got the blame, I rem the fear when he would start shouting to my mother all type of horrible things about me knowing I could hear and I would have to run and hide in my room and put a chair under the door handle to keep him out,
he stopped speaking to me at 17 because I had a boyfriend and that was it I have been ignored ever since I'm now in my mid 30s

I spent years going from one bad relationship to another looking for someone to love me, it was only when I had my dd that I finally pulled myself together, he adores my dd which makes me laugh, at Christmas I finally decided enough was enough that whatever I did was never going to be good enough for my so called family and I was going to start going lc with them, my father idolises my 2 brothers and my younger sister, I have another brother who like me is ignored by our father too they all just treat us like the black sheep and we are the outsiders.
My mother did nothing to try resolve these problems in fact she made things worse she just blamed me and my brother, I will NEVER forgive her for that and barely speak to her now, going lc was best thing I ever did she ignores the fact I barely speak to her now or that they barely see my dd anymore, as usual she buries her head in the sand and runs around after my father and other siblings.

Sorry for the long post but please please stick up for you daughter, I spent years wasting my time with men who tried to control me because I thought it meant the cared and loved me. Thankfully I pulled myself together and I am happy now even more happier since I went lc with my family .

sheba, that is fucking awful

I hope you can find a way to break out from his toxicity

I identify with parts of your post especially the way you dug your heels in to piss him off. After years of being told I was a freeloader, a cramper of his style and a drain on him (errr, I was a child fgs) I did well in my exams, forged a good career and many years ago surpassed his miserable little lifestyle

I am not remotely materialistic with other people but I enjoy how much he hates that fact

regarding my parenting style...that was an easy one...be the fucking opposite of my own caregivers and I knew I wouldn't go far wrong

Umm as someone who was kicked out when I was 16 and left to defend for myself, I would do everything to protect your DD. However he behaviour sounds extremely challenging and having brought up 2 teenagers know it can be very stressful. Can you seek help for her, sounds like she is crying out for attention and ask your DP to work with you on this?

Her behaviour is extremely challenging, but having your father effectively show that he couldn't give a damn whether you live or die is not a particularly easy thing for a teenage girl to deal with.

I think when she at least sees that her mother does care, that will be one step on the road to recovery.

I think children and teenagers sometimes put up to the test to see how unconditional our love is, at least mine did and her behaviour would immediately change when something happened and I had sprung like a mother tiger to her defense.

OP, Can I ask how you handle things when your DD is flicking light switches of for hours on end, or turning TV off when you are watching it, that would drive me crazy, it all sounds a a bit disfunctional Not condoning him threatening to kick her out but think this sort of thing would push most people buttons, especially after a stressful day.

Thank you, AnyFucker, and I'm glad you've come through it so well. Dad did come from a terrible background, pulled himself up by his bootstraps and was entirely self made, and I do respect that about him. As with most abusers, he wasn't evil or all bad. But he never did learn that he couldn't eternally punish the rest of the world, or all his family members, for his own bad beginnings.

I suspect that OP's husband, like my father, feels he is 'owed' - from his perspective he works hard, earns the money, supports the family, made sacrifices for the family etc and how dare this 16 year old kid who knows nothing of the world not be grateful and admiring, etc etc. The mistake is expecting a 16 year old to be grateful or able to have a wider world view. Teenagers are self obsessed and moody and in a way they actually should be - it's a time of intense personal change and growth and they are learning who they are and testing boundaries as part of becoming independent. I'm sure it's horrid for parents but as the adults, they have to see it for what it is, take advantage of their own wider worldview and understanding and not fucking ESCALATE it by taking it as some great personal insult. It's not personal. Teenagers all hate their parents, no matter how brilliant and accomplished they are (anyone else seen that pic of Barak Obama's daughters eyeballing him with that contempt possible only in those under 18? Or Billy Joel's daughter begging him not to perform in their home town because her friends would find out that her dad was singing in public and it was just soooooo embarrassing?).

I like the poster's suggestion of removing lightbulbs and doors and telling her if she's not adult enough to use them properly then she will have to do without. But effectively telling her you don't care about her wellbeing, couldn't give a shit if she's sleeping on the streets as long as you don't have to deal with her? Because she's sometimes moody and slams doors? That's all it takes to lose her parents' love and protection? Is your husband fucking serious?

As an aside, something I remember that does endear my mother to me (we are close) was during one late night screaming match when she was desperately trying to get us to reconcile, and Dad suddenly launched himself at me with his hands out. I have no doubt they were meant for my 17-year-old throat. Mum got between us and physically blocked him, and wouldn't move even though he was screaming and swearing at her to get out of his way.

Surely nobody wants it to come to that.