DH wants to kick DD out

[pleasegivemeadvice]

I don't know what to do. My DH wants to kick our DD(16) out.

They have had a difficult relationship for a couple of years and he has said previously that he wants her out to both her and me. To me this is not going to happen which I have said repeatedly.

Last week there was an argument and he ended up locking her out telling her not to come back and then going to bed. I stayed up, unlocked the door and tried to find her but I couldn't. Eventually received text from her saying she was staying at someone's house. Next morning he left for work before I was up and then went straight away for the weekend. He didn't get in touch to see if she was ok.

When he got back I was angry with him and asked why he didn't get in touch. He said he thought she was back and he wanted her out anyway. I haven't spoken to him since. I have heard him telling her this week that he doesnt want her here or to leave.

I don't know where to go from here. We also have another DD(11) who adores him but this situation can't continue. Apart from this I would have said that we had a good relationship. I am fairly sure that he won't leave so it would be me that has to leave with the girls and this would cause my youngest DD a lot of distress.

DD's behaviour, whilst challenging at times, in my opinion is not that bad although they do wind each other up.

Also it is his birthday today and I'm feeling bad that he's spent it not being spoken to.

Apologies for the length of this but I just want some advice.

It's really scary that he locked a 16 year old out over night. If my husband locked me out at night our marriage would be over and it's worse that he locked her out.

It does sound like you need firmer boundaries with her, but that could only be fine with you and your husband working together.

OP My DD is a pain in the arse at the best of times. This might sound harsh but trust me her teens have been a complete nightmare. She is now 18 and in all honesty I think it is best for us both that she leaves. She either leaves or cops herself on and we are going to have this discussion very soon.

She was hard work at 16 too but I never once kicked her out. Do not allow him to kick her out of her home. His dynamics with the children sound unhealthy and as others have said your 11 year old could start kicking off very soon.

If there is any chance that he is a loving parent who is struggling to cope I recommend that he sees a counsellor. Did they used to get on well before she became a teenager? There are a few good books that he could read which explain why teenagers behave the way they do e.g. 'Stay out of my life but first take me and Alex into town'.

Whatever happens I advise you to stick to your guns and tell him to leave if he wants but that your DD is not leaving. Your DD might also benefit from counselling. Speak to her GP about this.

With regard to your request for advice about leaving I recommend that you ask him to leave if he persists with this nonsense. If he refuses go you need to see a solicitor and get advice on splitting up your home. He needs to understand the implications of him putting a 16 year old out on the street.

Trust yourself, you know what is best for your DD. You can and will cope with whatever happens. Lots of MNs including me left and guess what, the world kept spinning around. Best of luck.

How did he cope with her when she was younger? Has he ever known how to parent her?

I'm glad you've made the decision to get away from him with your daughters - though it is the three of you who should be staying in the house. After all, it is him who is behaving unreasonably and isn't prepared to try and resolve the situation in a sensible, mature way.

Seriously, has he said where he expects a 16 year old with no money or job to go? What about school? Does he actually not love or care for her at all? I don't know the law but don't parents have a duty to look after their children? I am truly shocked that he wants to kick her out for such a trivial thing. Parents are supposed to help and look after their children not get rid when things don't go perfectly. Your daughter must feel quite lost and vulnerable at the moment. I hope it works out for you all.

My dss was kicked out of her mums house at the same age, dsd's bm chose step dad over her. She came to live with us, bm had no idea of the damage she did, long term to her daughter. Dsd calls me mum, hasn't spoken to bm in 15 years - she missed her daughters wedding and will probably never see her granddaughter.
I think you have made your mind up anyway but just a cautionary tale.
Also, and maybe unhelpful, by your DH is acting like a tosser

Can you not get family therapy? You might have to pay quite a lot for it, but surely that is a better investment than separating and running two households.

Family dynamics are complex. I have seen families where a child creates a division between the parents (sort of divide and rule) - not intentionally or maliciously, but as a way on coping that evolves. NOT suggesting this is what is happening in your family btw...

Family therapy can help you all deal with strong emotions and work out some options that are possible for your family in its particular circumstances. I can see that your h's behaviour and attitudes are awful, but I can't see how splitting up the family helps anyone in the long term.

Has there ever been a query about your dd being autistic? Is there any chance her dad is and that something she is doing is triggering some strong feelings in him. Her behaviour is annoying but not enough to put her out as it's only a phase. Sounds like she is trying to rise him and he is rising to her bait. It's very difficult for you caught in-between. You must choose your dd as a parents unconditional love is her bedrock for the future. Can anyone outside the family speak to your dh? Does he have any kind of mental illness?

I wouldn't be surprised if your dd's bad behaviour were to stop when she sees how far you are prepared to go to defend her.

I have heard him telling her this week that he doesnt want her here or to leave

And you stayed silent when you heard him saying this?

As this seems to be the only language he's capable of understanding, tell him he can start packing now because you don't want him under your roof - and call the police if he kicks off.

With regard to his 'silent' birthday, that was his choice and is further evidence that, as he can't be reasonable or be reasoned with so far as your eldest is concerned, confrontation is the way to go and it could be that standing up to him in this manner may just persuade him to change his ways - but don't hold your breath on that one as men like him would rather cut their nose off to spite their face.

I wouldn't be surprised if your dd's bad behaviour were to stop when she sees how far you are prepared to go to defend her

It wouldn't surprise me if the behaviour escalated when she learns she successfully falls the shots with her undesirable behaviour.

joysmum it's not her that's broken up the family it's her father, she hasn't turned round to her mother and told her to leave him she's been irratating yes and it could I'm sure been better handled, better disaplined, but her behaviour isn't out of control yet her father the man who is meant to love and care for her locked her out of the house! And your blaming a 16 year old child!

She calls the shots, no the person that calls the shots is the man who locked a 16 year old child out of her house and wasn't repromanded for doing so! The man who has been over heard telling a 16 year old child to leave or that she's no longer wanted how unloved does that make her feel!

I immediately thought SN/autism when the light switching was mentioned. My ds has autism so has a few unusual repetitive behaviour s that can drive you round the twist.

I agree with everybody about keeping your daughter safe and leaving the lines of communication open.

Talking to your dh might lead to a screaming match and lots of things unsaid. How about putting all your objections down in a letter/email? He will have to read it and it might make him consider the consequences of his actions. What does he think will happen to a 16 year old on the streets?

He's not thinking rationally, he's selfishly considering his needs above everybody else's. Would a family mediation service help as I sense that there are other issues at play here. You don't suddenly wake up one day and want your teenager out of the house.

If you want him to leave then present it to him as a short term measure to create some space for everyone. It's a highly emotionally charged atmosphere you are living in atm. No space for rational and sensible decision making at all. Or alternatively, change the locks on him.

Fwiw I agree with Juneau and Joysmum.

You all need to seek professional help as a family. You are a family in crisis.

When your daughter shows 'challenging' behaviour, what do you actually do at the time? Threatening to kick her out, and locking her out, is pretty much the least effective and most damaging thing your husband could do.

But what do YOU do at the time, and what will you do when it happens after you've kicked your husband out?

I was fully prepared to say that she needs to be pulled up by her socks and to not tolerate such behaviour but I notice it says it happens once a month,which is unusual for a volitile teenager. Lots of things annoy them .
Have you had her hormone level checked? It is starting to sound like extreme pms which can literally feel like a sort of madness and your dh is pushing her buttons which is why she flips when he is there. Its not an excuse and there is help out there.

She is 16, she can modify her behaviour with help and development.

Id look at PMT/hormonal stuff first, get her levels checked etc. and talk! Lots. She needs to know that her behaviour is unacceptable and she needs to accept help to change it.

Him? I'd be privately laying down the law.

There is NO GOVT help for young people anymore, where the fuck is she supposed to go? He's see her under a bridge before exhausting every other possible option?

He packs this shit in now, or packs a bag. If anyone is leaving the home it's him.

I can't believe you allowed him to lock her out. I really can't.

She's a child ffs!

The OP did NOT allow this! She went downstairs, unlocked the door and waited up for her daughter.

I'm sure been better handled, better disaplined, but her behaviour isn't out of control yet her father the man who is meant to love and care for her locked her out of the house! And your blaming a 16 year old child!

Nope, I'm not.

I'm asking how they parent when this is going on because I can't see how a situation of a 16 year old switching in and off lights can continue for HOURS as the OP has said.

Most people are coming down on the side of the OP when for all we know, her parenting could be lacking and she consistently undermines her DH when he tries to lay down some boundaries and has now come to the end of his tether.

I don't know that for sure, that's why I agree with Juneau in that I think there's a good possibility that this is in fact a parenting issue. I've had them myself in past given I'm not perfect and my experience of kids is limited to my one DD and there's no shame in needing advice from time to time.

The OP isn't answering to explain the dynamics of what's happening when her DD is spending HOURS switching on and off lights and the TV. We'd get to twice in this house and the third time would spell trouble. How many times over a course of hours could the DD do this and why is it happening more than 3 times and for hours?

There's some unanswered questions here and I think the majority of posters on here are wrong to reinforce that the OP is right this is just a case worthy of husband bashing. I think there's a lot more to it than just him being wrong.

Ah auto correct made me make no sence that's exactly what I mean joys mum - I'm sure it could have been better handled! It clearly is a parenting issue at least some where! Yes the OP let the daughter back in but she neither tells her daughter off for being irratating or intervened to stop her husband locking her out!

And yes you are, when some one said her daughter was away from the father her behaviour might improve and your response was no it will get worse cos she's seen she can tear her family appart with her behaviour yoyr blaming a 16 year old child!

If there's are a parenting issue where the DD has learnt that by being a complete shit she can pull her parents strings and this isn't addressed, yes there's every possibility that that behaviour will continue and may even escalate.

I'm not happy with the word blame but in the absence of being unable to think of anything better I'll accept it in the hope anyone reading can appreciate my fears from the context of what I've written.

Whatever word you want to use, I hope I'm wrong though because I can see things worsening and I'd not like that for any of them.

Sorry if in wrong, but I got the impression that some time elapsed before the door was opened as the dd managed to get out of earshot and therefore was unaware she was being allowed back in.

This whole scenario should never have happened in the first place! It's ridiculous. The H is a total arse!

What do you do to deal with her very unreasonable behaviour? She cant be allowed to do things like turning light switches and tv off just to spite people.

unnacceptable behaviour from your DH.

have you asked her why she behaves the way she does and only in front of him? That last part is worrying.

Sorry Joysmum just seen your posts and I get where you are coming from as my first thought was is it a parenting issue as it certainly wouldn't be allowed to happen in my home by either of my two older kids.

I would think that there must be so much more to this whole situation than just the incidents you have described. Have they always had a bad relationship and how have you dealt with her .