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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wants to kick DD out

90 replies

pleasegivemeadvice · 25/07/2015 17:43

I don't know what to do. My DH wants to kick our DD(16) out.

They have had a difficult relationship for a couple of years and he has said previously that he wants her out to both her and me. To me this is not going to happen which I have said repeatedly.

Last week there was an argument and he ended up locking her out telling her not to come back and then going to bed. I stayed up, unlocked the door and tried to find her but I couldn't. Eventually received text from her saying she was staying at someone's house. Next morning he left for work before I was up and then went straight away for the weekend. He didn't get in touch to see if she was ok.

When he got back I was angry with him and asked why he didn't get in touch. He said he thought she was back and he wanted her out anyway. I haven't spoken to him since. I have heard him telling her this week that he doesnt want her here or to leave.

I don't know where to go from here. We also have another DD(11) who adores him but this situation can't continue. Apart from this I would have said that we had a good relationship. I am fairly sure that he won't leave so it would be me that has to leave with the girls and this would cause my youngest DD a lot of distress.

DD's behaviour, whilst challenging at times, in my opinion is not that bad although they do wind each other up.

Also it is his birthday today and I'm feeling bad that he's spent it not being spoken to.

Apologies for the length of this but I just want some advice.

OP posts:
caravanista13 · 25/07/2015 18:08

Your daughter is still a child and deserves the love and protection of both her parents no matter how she behaves. If your DH can't give her this then it's doubly important that you do.

wickedwaterwitch · 25/07/2015 18:09

Why does anyone have to leave? You all need to find a way to resolve it.

AnyFucker · 25/07/2015 18:09

get rid of the husband or leave with both of your girls

he is scapegoating one and golden childing the other

both are forms of emotional abuse

this happened to me as a teen (I was the scapegoat) and now I have minimal contact with my mother as she failed to protect me from it

don't be that woman

Bubblesinthesummer · 25/07/2015 18:12

You say it tends not to happen when DH isn't there which means it must do at times.

How are you challenging her behaviour. As trivial as you may think it is, behaving like that when you don'the get your own way needs to stop.

I agree with what june says.

Both DH and DD need anger management help.

StarDustMonkey · 25/07/2015 18:15

Omg my father did this...tried to give my mum an altimatum when I was 14...me or him. This was after years of him abusing me. He didn't like me standing up to him.

This I think was the final straw which enabled my mother to kick him out (he was awfully abusive to her). I am so close to my mum, and her putting me before my piece of shit father led to me confiding in her about the abuse once he left. I have had no contact with him since he left.

Please, please out your DD'S first.

butterflygirl15 · 25/07/2015 18:16

you get a solicitor who will make him leave - why should you be the ones who leave. He is the abusive prick here. Your poor DDs.

HPsauciness · 25/07/2015 18:18

I agree with AF that there is a scapegoating/golden child dynamic here which is deeply unhealthy for both, the 11 year old will end up estranged from her sister and with all the pressure on her, and the 16 year old will leave you all behind if you don't act.

In terms of handling the behaviour, some sanction needs to be employed that is very clear in advance, and which de-escalates the situation, not ramps it up. I would go with one day of tablet/internet/phone loss for every attempt to turn off TV/hit/lash out/throw something. Once she goes 2 weeks without the internet, she will see the consequences and hopefully stop. Also, if it is escalating, you need to remind of consequences and then remove yourself, not go after her, shout, or lock her out. What kind of dad locks a 16 year old out overnight? It's outrageous, especially as she actually sounds like a nice girl who is well behaved most of the time, with the odd teenage tantrum.

HPsauciness · 25/07/2015 18:21

And- if he's asking her to leave, the only sympathy I would have if it was for the safety of your existing children or horrendous drug use or something like that, anything else, you just have to get on with it!

What will he say if you say that you won't be making her leave and you would rather he left if it comes to it? Is there no way for you and him to get together and to try to work together? You say you have a 'good relationship' apart from this- but you are thinking of leaving. It doesn't all quite add up.

thelonggame · 25/07/2015 18:22

of course you have to chose your daughter. What sort of a man could consider throwing a 16 year old out on the street.

If my DH said it was our DD out or both me and DD out I would be at the solicitors starting the divorce. Sorry you're finding yourself in this situation.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 25/07/2015 18:53

Agree with previous posters. I'd kick his arse out of the door if he put my girl out or threatened it!
Sit him down and explain in plain language that this is beyond acceptable. If he disagrees then you give him one option. He leaves. Either under his own steam or accompanied by the police for his threats towards what is essentially, a child. Stay calm so he knows you mean it. Staying calm and repeating the instruction if necessary. This has worked for me in the past. Good luck OP Flowers

YeOldeTrout · 25/07/2015 19:01

I am thinking about kicking out DS (yes I mean DS not DH) & his behaviour is much worse than that.

RepeatAdNauseum · 25/07/2015 19:12

I was kicked out at 15. Not for my behaviour, but because my mum loved babies and didn't like older children. It was the middle of the night and I didn't get to take much.

I went to my boyfriend. I lived with his parents for a while and we set up on our own after that. It ruined my chances of going to uni but I got a job and did well, to all intents and purposes. It didn't affect me much, other than cutting all ties to my parents.

Looking back now, it made me hugely codependent on my partner, and I don't trust easily. I don't speak to my parents at all and I hate people leaving. I don't trust people not to kick me out and I keep everything important together even in my own house.

Your husband will ruin your daughter, if he gets his way. She might look like she'll survive, but it damages you under the surface.

Original poster
pleasegivemeadvice · 25/07/2015 19:20

I really appreciate everyone's advice. Unfortunately the sitting down and agreeing a way to resolve the situation is something that I've tried several times.

Thanks to those of you who have shared your experiences as well, they have helped me to make my decision.

I now know what I need to do and will work out a way to do it. I hate confrontation but I don't think there's another way.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 25/07/2015 19:22

So your DD is behaving like a 16 year girl, what's his excuse.

I'd keep your DD's and lose the loser.

ouryve · 25/07/2015 19:23

It sounds like your DH needs to grow the fuck up and finding a way to talk to his DD that doesn't involve confrontation and button pushing (both ways, from the sound of things). it would involve a little effort on his part. If he's not willing to make the effort then tell him to leave, as you have another DD to potentially go through all of this with.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 25/07/2015 19:25

Keep yourself safe OP. Your dd needs you well and strong. Don't back down. You're all your dd has. My mum wasn't up to scratch ( drink Sad) and that's why I have so many horrific experiences to share on here.

Joysmum · 25/07/2015 19:26

I agree with Juneau

What are you doing to challenge this behaviour. I think you both need parenting advice. There's not way I'd tolerate her behaviour for hours.

atticusfinchatemybaby · 25/07/2015 19:30

Can you get some urgent family counselling via GP or social services? also on light switch thing (which sounds annoying but hardly worth a family break up) the only kids I know who do this are autistic. Could she have undiagnosed SN??

juneau · 25/07/2015 19:39

the only kids I know who do this are autistic

Yes, I thought that too.

juneau · 25/07/2015 19:42

And I think any of you leaving is a massive and unnecessary overreaction. You and your DH are supposed to be the adults. What sort of example are you setting your DDs if at the first sign of trouble one or other of you is flouncing out and issuing ultimatums? Most of the advice on this thread is bizarre in its support for this unnecessary drama. FGS sort out what is weird and irritating behaviour, but hardly worth breaking up a family over.

UrethraFranklin1 · 25/07/2015 19:43

Lock him out and see how he likes it, would be a good start.

FenellaFellorick · 25/07/2015 19:58

He locked his 16 year old daughter out of the house overnight. With no idea or interest where she would go or if she was safe.

I think that's worth a strong reaction.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 25/07/2015 19:59

Not worth breaking up over? He locked a teenage girl out of the house at night! I'd think anything except kicking his balls was an under - reaction Hmm

Original poster
pleasegivemeadvice · 25/07/2015 19:59

Juneau thanks for your advice but the problem I have is that DH constantly says that he wants her to leave rather than her behaviour which I deal with like a toddler tantrum.

OP posts:
stayanotherday · 25/07/2015 20:08

If your daughter is kicked out you may never have a relationship with her in future. AF is right.