DRY 8!!!!!!

[CheesyNachos]

Hello! This is our 8th! thread for those who are abstaining from alcohol and for those who want to abstain. :) We love newbies and lurkers. We have people who have been DRY for years, for months, for weeks, days, and hours. :) ALL are welcome. We have heaps of tips and we offer support at any stage.

DRY 7 the previous thread is here...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2347295-DRY-7?

I do hope your dp gets through this anniversary ok Bambam. It's an awful thing for the family left behind to have to go through and must be particularly hard the first year I still have the lo here so plenty to keep me occupied when biggest at school, especially as she is going through a challenging everything 'my way or the highway' phase that requires a lot of patience and humour.

You actually described me to a tee Teapot. It's something I've noticed a lot in people with addiction problems, although of course there will be people who don't fit that mould. I definitely do fit into the addictive type, all sorts of risky 'rebellious' behaviours to try and fill an emptiness and get rid of the pain, to put on an act of someone I've never felt inside. I think a lot of sobriety has been for me to come to terms with feeling comfortable in my own skin, to know that I'm an introvert and shy and that's ok. To know that I have flaws and to try and change them but without the constant internal harsh criticism.

Welcome Mutton

That's really interesting about the blood sugars.

I always felt very shaky after drinking( usually half a bottle of wine) and probably scoffed way too many carbs during the day, then I would crave wine early in the evening -5-6pm and the daily cycle continued.
I stopped drinking alcohol on the 4th July and the change I how feel and look is amazing.
Early on I went a bit "Im not drinking so I can have cake, Magnums and I drank posh juice in the evenings.
I realised I was doing rather a lot of sugar so decided to cut it back.
I feel so much more balanced in terms of what I eat ,drink tons of water which I loathed before and have no cravings whatsoever.
I agree with the JV not counting the days now, although I can look it up on my phone for thread stats.
glad we sound similar

Thank you to those who have responded about my friend - looks like a split decision - medical intervention needed to manage withdrawal slowly or AA/total abstinence - maybe it is both ?

There were a couple of incidents last year where she was rushed to hospital with fainting - might have been a withdrawal siezure? Would the hospital staff have picked up excess alcohol levels and alerted her GP or offered help -- or is this not done?

She is in a really difficult marriage - she is medicating her way through that. I read yesterday about the lawyer, mother of 3 young children who threw herself under a train in April because of her alcohol misuse - and it reminded me of my friend.

I'm really sorry to hear of your friend mulranna. Does she actually want to stop? I'd say she has several options available to her but if she has a physical dependence they would be advised at AA to also seek medical advice. It's not an either/or - if she is physically dependent it is ESSENTIAL that she tapers and doesn't stop immediately, because the withdrawal from physical dependence can be fatal.

AA is not the only way, but I agree with the PP who said that she should call the helpline. She could attend a meeting and decide how she feels about it afterwards. I'm in London (although SE not W/SW) and there are several central London meetings which are very busy and extremely anonymous. You can call the helpline and arrange to meet someone there, or they come to you.

Having said that, very many people do not use AA as support to maintain their sobriety. I use this thread, the website Soberistas (or did in the early days) plus reading up a lot about the subject, particularly from others who are treading the same path.

None of this will be much use to your friend unless she has reached the point where she knows she wants / needs to stop. It's fantastic that she has you looking out for her and asking on her behalf, but it's extremely hard to persuade someone who doesn't want to be persuaded that stopping is the answer.

I agree with Teapot ,medical advice is essential, - I mentioned GP as my relative who drank a similar amount saw her GP and was referred directly to her local Drug and Alcohol Team and advised to cut down slowly and was given supportive medications,liver tests and counselling etc.
She sees her GP but the D&A team are in charge of her recovery.

I personally couldn't stand the thought of walking into a room full of strangers and the whole "higher power" doesn't work for me - this is down to me.

I know that she has to get there and make her own decisions - but giving her info and contacts is important...so I really appreciate the insight from here. I will need to tell her about the withdrawal issue - I did not know that and thought I knew a lot about alcohol abuse.

I dont think that she has a physical dependence - it really is to numb the pain of an abusive marriage - I have been on holiday with her when her DH is nt there - and she is then only drinking socially in the evenings - I doubt she would hide extra drinking ie from 7am during those holidays - she is very open about her drinking and is worried about recent numbness in her foot. I think that she is motivated to sort it out but really it will expose the elephant in the room (ie the abusive marriage) that she needs to address - and isnt

mulranna you sound lovely :) and your friend is very lucky to have you :). But she may well have been hiding just how much she drank from you, even when her "D"H was not around. If she is on 2 bottles a day then I suspect she can't just turn it on and of, even if he is not around, iyswim :(

20 units or so a day is going to cause a physical dependence in someone, I believe :(

Morning everyone......just chiming in quickly asI have a five year old hanging off my arm. I agree about your friend seeking medical advice, mulranna. If she has been drinking like that for an extended period of time, then she will needa managed withdrawal.Just stopping suddenly could be extremely dangerous. Alcohol is such a toxic poison. When I first started trying to stop I tried to follow a self-managed withdrawal using advice I found online, but it did notwork for me because I did not have the care and attention of professionals helping me...... so I would taper down then go right back up again.

Your poor friend re her marriage. From what I have been reading and learning, women so frequently turn to alcohol to numb pain.... to allow themselves to continue to sleepwalk through horrific experiences. It sounds like your poor friend has so much going on she really does need therapy as well.... is that an option? Last year I went to an addiction counsellor and we addressed all the issues around my drinking also. (Depression,troubled marriage etc) and it helped me alot. I first tried to access counselling on the NHS, but the waiting list was huge, I would only be seen on a sporadic basis, and the counsellor offered was a man, when I really needed to talk to a woman. I was lucky enough to be able to afford private counselling, but that is a luxury not open to everyone I know.

I also read the story of the poor lawyer. That could have been me. That could still be me if I relapse. I know that. It frightens me. That poor poor woman. I relate to her.

I'd be concerned mulranna that she isn't seeking this information herself; because that probably indicates that she isn't really ready to stop. Be prepared to put all the information her way and for nothing to change. It's easy to get over-involved and think that the problem is simply about a lack of information, but the truth is that this information is very easily found - if she wants to hear it.

I stopped drinking midway through divorce (which annoyingly still isn't finalised!) from an abusive man, and I would say my drinking (which wasn't as extreme as your friend's) was symptomatic not only of the relationship itself, but my life as a whole which of course led me to be in that relationship in the first place. I don't have the answers for your friend, but the problem is likely to be highly complex and personal. This is why I think it's so important to seek the information herself. So many people I know started off by reading the stories of other similar women, and starting to get recognition that there were thousands of women out there just like me who not only had stopped drinking, but whose lives had flourished. That she believes AA is the only real option available to her indicates to me that she hasn't done any reading up about it herself because that's very far from the case.

I'm sorry to appear negative about your attempts to help, I don't mean to be - I think you should put as much information her way as you can, but then be prepared for the drive to stop to need to come entirely from her. There needs to be something of an 'awakening' and it's got nothing to do with knowing facts.

Helpful starting points:
Soberistas - A great site for daily blogging/checking in
Books such as "Mrs D Is Going Without" (Lotta Dann); "Calling Time on Wine O'Clock" (Lucy Rocca); "Sober is the new Black" (Rachel Black); "Why You Drink And How To Stop" (Veronica Valli) are all good reading material.

The Bubble Hour podcast is also excellent.

I agree with glad that she may well have been lying to you and others about her drinking and that she needs to be able to have an honest conversation with a doctor about the extent of it. Good luck!

mulranna if she's getting numbness in her foot she needs to seek medical help as this is related to her drinking.

Hi everyone. As expected, DP and I drank last night, and will do again tonight. It's such a difficult time, but I don't want him to get sucked back into the depressive mulling over his brother's death, and I don't want us going back down the slippery slope, so tonight needs to be an end of it. We have said it will be, but I know the road to hell is paved with good intentions etc. I know Dry September will be good for us, and that we will stick to it, but I just want to be free of booze for good, now.

mulranna I don't really have any advice, but you sound like a lovely, supportive friend. I hope your friend can get and accept the help she needs.

Thanks all - I am 100% aware that it needs to come from her - and I have attended Al Anon in the past to understand a family member so aware of the careful and subtle (detached) dynamic required and the possibility of getting drawn in with negative consequences and it all back firing.

I do think that she needs a really good therapist - so address the relationship and drinking together. She can afford private so if anyone can recommend somewhere/one in W/SW London it would be great.

I never ever ask her about her problems directly - she just randomly opens up to me at various times. I dont want to pry etc as worried it might close her down - I so just let her bring it up whenever. Should I ask her occassionally "How are things?".

He abusive DH does not know about her drinking but suspect that if he found out he would use it as an excuse to either chuck her out and him keep the kids or blackmail her with that whilst upping the ante on his abuse.

Mulranna I'm training myself and a member of this organisation. I would advocate looking for a therapist here using their 'find a therapist' search function which will list according to postcode :)

BamBam21 - apologies not to acknowledge your post. I am sorry that you are living with this in your home. My DHs mother and father were "raging alcoholics" there was nothing "functioning about them" both died young. My DH has also had lots of "problem drinking issues" episodes which has made me question my own drinking in the home. Good luck - keep strong.

BamBam pick yourself up, dust yourself off and after tonight continue as planned :)

Thanks mulranna and lucy.

BamBam, how important is it to you that your husband drink or not with you? I realise that it's very powerful to have people around you who encourage you to drink - I am leery of social events where drinking and buying drinks for one another is a key part of the socialising - but at some point, you have to think of your own individual decision to drink or not.

Glad You were definitely psychologically addicted but not physically and that's the really dangerous part when we tip over into physical addiction. That said if you had continued to drink like that then the risk of physical addiction would have risen considerably. Well done you for stopping and for sharing that with us Just listening to Tim Ferriss interview Brene Brown about shame, worthiness, vulnerability and courage which you can find here for anyone else who's interested :) Call it a Friday sober treat Big test this week-end - first sober festival ......

Lucy how did I get away with not being physically addicted? I drank so much wine!

Re festivals - you can do it :)

Glad That's a how long is a piece of string questions. All kinds of factors to consider but most importantly be happy that you weren't