Concerned about DP's lack of social skills

[Moominmamma86]

My partner is a very kind, sweet man. I knew when I met him he was a bit unusual but we connected really well and despite the odd bump we're here several years later with a child, but I'm both concerned and frustrated by his lack of ability in social situations, whether it's with my family or friends or people we've just met, a lot of the time he just can't cope. He'll say odd things, his body language is unfriendly, he doesn't smile or do "small talk"/ ask questions. At times it can be so embarrassing and I worry we'll never have friends as a couple because I'll always be worried about introducing him, or they'll just think he's weird.
I've thought on occasion that he may even have undiagnosed aspergers syndrome but that's probably not it. He's definitely a bit different though! And I know he can't really help it but it gets me down, I feel so tense whenever we have to do anything socially and part of me thinks he needs to just make the effort to learn a few social skills instead of ducking out the way he always has. I don't want my friends and family thinking he's not worth getting to know!
Has anyone else been in this situation and is there anything I can do? Do I just need to learn to be ok with it?

Bollocks, I agree. I have a shy/ awkward DP too but he has worked out that their are stock questions that always work, ie ask people about their kids, their holidays, their job etc. He always smiles and looks interested in the answers although internally he's probably not really taking it in. Lots of shy people do this, and I think people love them for it. My family know that dp is never going to set the heather alight conversationally but they appreciate him taking an interest and making an effort.

We've been together for ages and I see him maturing and becoming more genuinely relaxed with social interaction. In fact on holiday every time I glanced over he was making another mum in a bikini laugh her head off!! Hmmmm!

I'm sure it would sound like I was saying he is defective although I didn't put it that way and did say I felt there was nothing wrong with having aspergers if that was the case. I think he thought I was being a bit fanciful though.
My mum thinks he may have it actually. And to give her as an example, she likes him but said to me recently that it's a shame he doesn't relax more and join in, and when I said that he does like her / them she was surprised. She finds him difficult to converse with. I'm not sure she should have said those things to me but anyway that's another person's perspective.

I also think there is a place between trying to change someone and total resignation to things that cause problems. He is who he is, and I love him for that. That's far more important than others' opinions of him but all the same there are circumstances when it really gets to me. I'm hoping that in time he may be able to learn to do things like the asking questions thing. I'm shy myself although I've gained confidence to an extent so I understand how it feels and I know the coping techniques. I think I partly warmed to him early on because I recognised he was struggling with things I have struggled with ikswim, but certain behaviours go beyond shyness and awkwardness and that is something I have realised more slowly, partly because he does avoid being in social situations.

he gets anxious in any kind of social situation except closest family and friends, and yet with those closest he can be very likeable, humorous, accepting and interesting.

Unless he has other ASD traits which he displays in non-social situations (which you haven't mentioned) I think it may be more likely that he has a social phobia.

I get very overwhelmed socialising in large groups, especially if I don't know the other people very well. A party is my idea of a living hell!

My ideal group size for socialising is 4 people or less. If I know the other 3 very well, I can handle adding a couple more people that I don't know well.

I also cope better when I know the environment where we're meeting. EG a pub or restaurant that I have been to at least once before, preferably with someone close to me. To sort of reconnoitre the layout!

I don't cope well with people that I don't know coming to my home. I see my home as my refuge and having strangers there makes me feel like I have no safe place to retreat to - whereas if I'm meeting someone out, I can tell myself "If it gets unbearable I can say I'm not feeling well and go home" (even though I have never had to do this - it makes me feel reassured that I can if necessary.)

Over the years I have built up a kind of avatar of myself that can do the socialising thing without coming across as too awkward - although sometimes I worry that I come across as a bit shallow instead! I call it "putting on my work face" and I basically pretend that the people I'm meeting are new colleagues and I have to speak to them and give them a good welcome. Basically I have to pretend that I am interested in their lives. (God that probably sounds really weird and awful...)

It's a very individual thing, but maybe your DH can adapt some of my coping techniques to help calm his anxiety?

You will have to accept yourself, though, that he's never going to become a smooth and polished socialiser! You will undoubtedly have more fun going to parties and large gatherings without him, and socialise with him as a couple only in small, familiar groups and settings.

I am the awkward one socially in my relationship. I have pretty bad social anxiety and when people come up and talk to me, I absolutely hate it.

My DH comes to the rescue, he makes all the small talk, steers the conversation in his direction and if someone asks me a direct question, he gives me a chance to answer if I want and then pulls the conversation back so I can just stand there next to him. Most of the time I am holding DD so I normally can engage with her and ignore the other person.

To be honest, I don't care if it seems rude. I'm not trying to be rude, it makes me feel absolutely horrible when someone I don't feel comfortable with talks to me. It takes me absolutely ages years to warm up to someone to the point where I can engage without feeling stress.

My DH told his family about it and they accepted me and just let me sit there until I felt ready to engage. They didn't ignore me, but they also didn't expect me to perform.

Not saying that your DH is this way, just experience from the other side.

Itsonlysubterfuge your DH sounds like a saint.

Saying that he sounds like a saint makes her sound like a total nightmare

I don't think he sounds like a saint.he sounds like a good supportive partner who uses his strengths to make up for his OH weaknesses. I'm sure she does the same for him in areas of their relationship / life where she is stronger.

Isn't that what any good marriage / partnership is about ?

StaceyandTracey I must point out that you used the words "total nightmare". I simply remarked on how great her husband sounds. Stop projecting!

I would say the 'flatness' and talking about subjects that he has no idea people have an interest in or knowledge of etc, says aspergers to me.

Why are you so sure it's not that?

She doesn't say she's sure it isn't aspergers.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Autistic-spectrum-disorder/Pages/Adultswithautism1.aspx

moomin I'm no expert (aside from a very socially awkward colleague) but here's my 2p-worth...

I think it's generally v hard to change someone's inherent personality/preferences/behaviour, so acceptance is probably going to be the easiest and most realistic route.

However, i think there are probably little things you might be able to change which could help you both. e.g. identify which scenarios/group sizes/people bring out the "worst" in him, and try to keep them to a minimum. As another poster noted, perhaps in groups up to 4/5 he's ok, but more is too much? is he better with people he knows v well, or with strangers?

I do agree with others who've said that those close to you probably understand his personality and accept and like him for who he is, and that with time he will relax more and more around them.

good luck :)

chipped I did actually take it that you meant I was horrible.

My DH is fantastic and actually he has Asperger's. It's easier for him to deal with strangers than it is for me. He is very good at faking it and has worked extremely hard his whole life to seem "normal" for lack of a better word.

People can change if they put effort into it, however they have to want to do it.

More experience from the other side.

I am the socially awkward person in my life. I've been referred for an asd assessment but panicked and didn't go.

I don't know if my issues are down to that, or have another explanation.

Anyway, I am not going to change. I've tried and I have 'improved' (in other people's opinion). But only because I can mimic a social person, not because I am one. It's stressful and tiring and I never know if I've got it right or not.

And yet I still don't do it well. Only last week I was on the receiving end of a character assassination from one of my 'friends' because I don't behave in quite the way some of my friends expect/demand. What I manage to do is hard enough.

You stayed with him and had a child with him. Either accept him or walk away.

My husband avoids social situations whenever he can too, he hates being in big groups. He wasn't like this when I met him but that was because we lived in a different country, in a small town where he knew loads of people and had lots of friends.

Since we moved to the UK he has found it hard to make friends and never wants to come out and socialise. I usually just go on my own or if he comes he stays a short time and goes home.

We do have a few friends who he feels happy to chat with so I tend to just make it us and one other couple, which he more comfortable with, although it has taken him a while to be happy with that.

I put it down to shyness. He is always polite when he does talk to people but I think he comes across as a bit rude when it seems like he isn't making an effort to join in.

I can't change the way he is, I just try to help include him but he would normally just prefer to stay at home.