Concerned about DP's lack of social skills

[Moominmamma86]

My partner is a very kind, sweet man. I knew when I met him he was a bit unusual but we connected really well and despite the odd bump we're here several years later with a child, but I'm both concerned and frustrated by his lack of ability in social situations, whether it's with my family or friends or people we've just met, a lot of the time he just can't cope. He'll say odd things, his body language is unfriendly, he doesn't smile or do "small talk"/ ask questions. At times it can be so embarrassing and I worry we'll never have friends as a couple because I'll always be worried about introducing him, or they'll just think he's weird.
I've thought on occasion that he may even have undiagnosed aspergers syndrome but that's probably not it. He's definitely a bit different though! And I know he can't really help it but it gets me down, I feel so tense whenever we have to do anything socially and part of me thinks he needs to just make the effort to learn a few social skills instead of ducking out the way he always has. I don't want my friends and family thinking he's not worth getting to know!
Has anyone else been in this situation and is there anything I can do? Do I just need to learn to be ok with it?

OP, you will never change him. You will spend the next few years trying to though is my guess.

Definitely don't say anything which dents his confidence - that really won't make anything better. Could you go for praising anything which he does well? Just comment positively on aspects of a social which went well. That might help.

Are you sure he doesn't have Aspergers?It would explain a lot,and could make dealing with finding a workable solution to any issues easier.

Conventional people are boring

I have an ex who was very socially awkward. Not an ex because of that - he didn't want children which was a deal breaker. In my 20's his social
Awkwardness bothered me. But the friends he had were good friends iykwim & I think now (in my 40's with a different more socially acceptable Dh & one severely disabled child so we don't socialise) - I wouldn't give a stuff about people who were shallow enough not to see past the awkwardness.

I would give up on the socialising as you do now & explore if you can find a way to make joint socialising work - whe celebrating the fact you have a Dh who is probably happy enough to stay at home with kids while you meet your friends

I've been with special for over 20 years and he's never once socialised with anyone except me( and my family of they come to stay).
He,has a very responsible job, working with an office full of people. He does this fine, but he had no desire to speak to anyone socially.
I'm not happy about it but I like his company myself so I soldier on

I agree with crustaway (who was concise but not rude), if he was always like this, then you're the one whose changed. You say you've always been worried, so what is it about now, that has changed worry into something that requires action.

This is who he is and probably always will be and it's ok if you no longer find this characteristic acceptable (people change) but to expect/ hope for him to be different, is unrealistic. This is an area of incompatibility that you've worked around in the past, only you know if that's something you want to continue doing.

Crusty: you are stating the obvious.
But it is so obvious to everyone, including op that it doesn't need stating.

It is also less than helpful.

I agree that you are being unreasonable and unrealistic to want him to change his whole personality to suit your desire to socialise as a couple .

As you've been together for years, I assume all your family have met him and are used to him . So why do you say " I don't want my family thinking he's not worth getting to know " ?

And why would anyone think that anyway , if you are smart enough to see past his social awkwardness, why wouldn't they ? Are all your friends totally without insight and empathy ?

And with regards to your friends , why don't you just socialise alone ? It's not compulsory to do things as a couple . Why would you want him to attend social events if he hates them ? ( apart from the basics of weddings and funerals ) . Just go on your own and say " sorry DP couldn't to come , we don't have a babysitter " .

You are describing my ds1, he is 6 but I can see him growing up to be exactly the man you describe. He is shy, awkward, can seem rude though it's unintentional. He has a quirky spence of humour.

He is also intelligent, kind loving, funny, hard working and individual. I desperately hope he finds someone who is a good fit and loves him for the man he will become. Not someone who sees him as he is, has a child with him then decides he's not good enough or socially acceptable.

I've been thinking about it, and one of the things he does which makes me think there might be something underlying, is he will talk to someone as if they should be aware of some information that they just wouldn't know about, ikswim? He doesn't seem to take into account quite basic things like "does this person have any clue what I'm referring to here or is it too specific to me, my circumstances, too obscure etc?"
Another thing is that he's very 'flat' in how he expresses himself emotionally, although I don't believe he's like that internally.
He's also just really honest in ways that can be so embarrassing, he doesn't seem to stop and think that x might be better softened in some way or a more 'conventional' response might make others warm to him more. He'll just make a bald statement that isn't what the other person expected or was hoping for and it will shut down the conversation because the other person will just assume he's being unfriendly, or not know where to go with it. Does this make sense?

I agree with Crustaway, Isetan, and Lunar1. Is he unhappy with his social skills? If he is content, leave him be. Accommodate, accept and enjoy him as he is. He is not an a piece of play doh.

In response to crusty and others.

We all have our good points and bad points. It's part of what makes us human.

When we meet someone new we can often overlook the bad points for the good. We can see people in a good light in a relationship for the first few days, weeks, months and even years. Every so often the bad points do rear up and sometimes we cant get past that, but a lot of the time we dont notice the bad in the ones we love.

So to say that the OP should be ok with it now because it's always been the same really isnt helpful and sounds judgy. The OP came to ask for help and advice not to be judged.

Some of these responses are upsetting me. I know the internet is traditionally a place where people feel they can say the things they would never say face to face but why all the criticism?
It's unkind. I'm trying to make sense of something. I love my DP but he has a problem here and I'm not sure whether it's just shyness or something more. I never said my family wouldn't think he's worth getting to know, I said 'people'. But I do include family in very fond of but only see once or twice a year, last time he met my cousins he acted so strangely anyone would have thought we'd just had an awful argument before they arrived.
I'm not having a rant about him just trying to see if anyone else has been in this situation and has anything helpful to say. But one poster is acting like I'm maligning her six year old son in adult form! I don't get why people have to pile in like that, who is it going to help?
Do I have to just say everything's tickety boo, or else leave the father of my child? Why so black and white? Can I not be concerned about something without being told I've made my bed and should lie in it?
I do think the advice that conventional people are boring is quite true and the good people will see past the awkwardness. Maybe I shouldn't worry, we'll just have to avoid various situations in the future.

I totally agree with Crusty. He's always been like now you're the one trying change it. Leave the poor thing to be who he is. Euphemia expressed it well too.

Thank you drharleen, this is what I was trying to say.

My ex was like this, I finished it, regret it though, he was my best friend.

Some of these responses are upsetting me. I know the internet is traditionally a place where people feel they can say the things they would never say face to face but why all the criticism?

No one is criticising you . But many posters are not going along with your implicit suggestion that you could find out what is wrong with him and fix him , teach him something he doesn't want to learn .

It's unkind. I'm trying to make sense of something. I love my DP but he has a problem here and I'm not sure whether it's just shyness or something more.

Well, you've not shown that he DOES have a problem. You've said that YOU have a problem with how he is

I never said my family wouldn't think he's worth getting to know, I said 'people'. But I do include family in very fond of but only see once or twice a year, last time he met my cousins he acted so strangely anyone would have thought we'd just had an awful argument before they arrived.

You did mention your family in the first post . And this comment sounds like you are more worried what people will think of you

I'm not having a rant about him just trying to see if anyone else has been in this situation and has anything helpful to say.

I think that most of the comments you have received have been very helpful . But I understand that it's not what you wanted to hear . Sadly that's not how a discussion board works .

But one poster is acting like I'm maligning her six year old son in adult form! I don't get why people have to pile in like that, who is it going to help?

Well it might help your partner , if you could see it from someone's else point of view .i assume that your partner has family who love him too and would feel the same way

And it's hardly " piling " in , that poster is giving you her opinion, which you did ask for .

Do I have to just say everything's tickety boo, or else leave the father of my child? Why so black and white?

No one said either of these things.

Can I not be concerned about something without being told I've made my bed and should lie in it?

Yes, of course you can be concerned .no one is telling you not to . Your feelings are your own . As is your decision what to do about it . But it would be a foolish person who advised you to try to change your partners personality .

What do you want from this thread ?to hear others opinions or just to have everyone say

" yes of course, you are right , he's weird , here's how to fix him so he can act how you want " ?

I am sorry that you are getting such a hard time, I can't see how much of it is very helpful and was a very valid question.
It really hinges on whether he wants to change - have you been able to discuss it? If he doesn't see a problem it is far more difficult.
I would start with your family. Does he do anything with them without you being there? Is there something he could help them with, give a common purpose and you keep well away and let them get to know each other?

Sorry, the quotes have disappeared , so it's unclear where I'm quoting the Op and my comments

I think you're getting a spectacularly hard time here. For se reason ive noticed in Relationships, anyone with a partner who may be on the autistic spectrum just gets told to suck it up, you knew what you were getting into, leave him be etc et etc without any acknowledgement of how bewildering and mind blowingly frustrating non neuro typical behaviour can be. The OP HASNT slagged off her husband, she's expressed some disquiet about his tricky behaviour. Imagine how you might feel to see your husband offend and reject your friends as a result of social awkwardness? You might be compassionate later but in that moment you'd be bloody upset!

OP there are a few resources and sites and books about being the partner of an Aspie/man with autism, and Maxine Aston is quite a good place to start. Loving someone with autism is hard, whether they be your partner or your child and some of the posts on here do make me wonder whether the posters themselves are devoid of the ability to see someone else's hurt and point of view, rather than being deliberately nasty.

Chin up OP

I'm not sure what you want here OP.

I realise you don't have it easy but what will change if you stick a label on his behaviour?
It will still upset you and you will want him to modify it.

It's a tough one.

I'm a bit (okay, massively ) socially awkward - or at least I can come across that way. In my case it's a combination of a) being quite shy and b) not suffering fools gladly. I also tend to assume that other people dislike me on sight and hence get defensive very easily.

ExH was my polar opposite. I used to hate when he tried to 'correct' my behaviour as it felt really patronising and affected my already low self-esteem. Don't go there, OP!

I've felt much better since embracing my inner weirdo!

I don't think it's rude to ask why someone stayed with someone whose behaviours worried them from the start? What is rude about that, it's a question. And it could be a useful one at that.

I do find the 'did you meant to be so rude' cliche very unoriginal and tedious mind..

What do you think you can do OP? Very little from the sounds of it. Accept him as he is and work round it or... don't.

Thank you mehitabel
I'm going to try to filter out the mean responses.