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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Concerned about DP's lack of social skills

90 replies

Moominmamma86 · 22/07/2015 22:12

My partner is a very kind, sweet man. I knew when I met him he was a bit unusual but we connected really well and despite the odd bump we're here several years later with a child, but I'm both concerned and frustrated by his lack of ability in social situations, whether it's with my family or friends or people we've just met, a lot of the time he just can't cope. He'll say odd things, his body language is unfriendly, he doesn't smile or do "small talk"/ ask questions. At times it can be so embarrassing and I worry we'll never have friends as a couple because I'll always be worried about introducing him, or they'll just think he's weird.
I've thought on occasion that he may even have undiagnosed aspergers syndrome but that's probably not it. He's definitely a bit different though! And I know he can't really help it but it gets me down, I feel so tense whenever we have to do anything socially and part of me thinks he needs to just make the effort to learn a few social skills instead of ducking out the way he always has. I don't want my friends and family thinking he's not worth getting to know!
Has anyone else been in this situation and is there anything I can do? Do I just need to learn to be ok with it?

OP posts:
BanditoShipman · 23/07/2015 07:55

My dad can be a bit like this. Strangely he can be amazing in social situations but also can be utterly rubbish. Sometimes he just doesn't want to talk but then it's me who has to deal with the calls/questions afterwards 'have I done something to upset your dad? He wasn't very happy' etc. gets wearing after a bit so I can completely understand op how your reaction to your dh has changed with time and that you'd like to try to 'fix' the situation. Who wouldn't? You want to go out with your dh socially and not be worried, this strikes me as completely normal.

Can you talk to him (if you haven't already)? When I finally brought this up with my dad he was completely unaware, didn't realise how his behaviour made others feel, he now tries hard not to let it happen.

Lots of not kind posters out currently. Ignore.

MorrisZapp · 23/07/2015 07:56

Christ on a bike this thread is awful. I can't believe the op is being criticised for asking for advice on this.

I have a friend with a spectacularly rude husband. None of us want to spend time with him so she leaves him at home. She says 'hes just shy'.

Shy my arse. He has openly snubbed each one of us. And when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I'm not shallow, thanks. Nor do I feel it's my job to do the work to get to know a man who cuts me dead.

OP only you know if your dp is frankly unsociable and a bit rude, or very shy and needing support. I honestly think you should ask him how he feels about meeting people.

Scoobydoo8 · 23/07/2015 07:59

I know people like this - who rabbit on in a strange way. I also know many men who don't contribute to conversation at all (unless it's about their hobby/ the Grand Prix/ cars/ football - you get my drift).

In fact I don't know any men well who can chat and entertain with witty banter, oh, ok maybe the odd joke or story.

I am hopeless at small talk, and it bores me.

I think you might be seeing him as more 'odd' than he actually is.
And I would say it's you who needs to change, accept how he is and just let it go. If your friends and aquaintances are unpleasant enough to laugh or mock or belittle him perhaps you need better friends. And if he is really bad they will avoid you both surely, so problem solved.

StaceyAndTracey · 23/07/2015 08:04

Morris - no one has criticised her for asking for advice

And she didn't say he was rude or snubbed anyone, just that he is " a bit different " and she finds it embarrassing .

It's been suggested that he might have Aspergers , but the Op has dismissed it . If he does, it's not rudeness or lack of social skills, it's just a developmental difference .

MarchLikeAnAnt · 23/07/2015 08:05

Can you ask your DH to just fake it when he is in social situations? That's what I do. I have a little script of small talk and throw in a few fake laughs/smiles/ subtle touch on arm etc.

Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 23/07/2015 08:05

I have talked to him about it, he gets anxious in any kind of social situation except closest family and friends, and yet with those closest he can be very likeable, humorous, accepting and interesting. He can also be a bit odd but it doesn't cause a problem in those situations.
I know he would rather avoid certain situations at all costs and that's generally what we do, or else I do go alone. He can't help it. But sometimes things can't be avoided and I think then it's worse because he hasn't had the practice.
Although he can come across a bit rude, he's not like your friend's partner MorrisZapp.
Thank you to the poster who mentioned some resources I could look up.
It's a case of finding strategies that work for us I think. I've suggested to him before that he ask people questions about themselves, I think this is something that might help him feel more comfortable and others too as they can do the talking. It would help if he would smile a bit too but that might be too big an ask!

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 23/07/2015 08:09

Can I just point out I haven't dismissed the idea he may have aspergers at all, I came on here and posted that I think this may be a possibility although obviously I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis. I'm slightly hoping someone out there with more knowledge might recognise this sort of behaviour and point me in the right direction, although equally it could just be a lack of confidence and not developing social skills because he has avoided social situations.

OP posts:
StaceyAndTracey · 23/07/2015 08:14

The complete guide to Asperger's syndrome by Tony Attwood is a very good book . If it relevant , it might help you understand your DP better and manage your own feelings .

If you want to find more about it , there are plenty websites . And you would be better to post again asking specifically for information about Aspergers in your thread title

Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 23/07/2015 08:15

I also did say he can be rude, or seem rude. I've said that in a couple of places.

OP posts:
MarchLikeAnAnt · 23/07/2015 08:16

But what if its neither op? What if its just who he is?

Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 23/07/2015 08:16

I said aspergers in the op. Thanks for the book recommend. I think my thread title was fine.

OP posts:
Athenaviolet · 23/07/2015 08:18

Everything you've said about him screams aspergers to me!

Have you mentioned aspergers specifically to him? He could try to get an assessment even if it's just for your personal reassurance. Then you can learn coping strategies.

Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 23/07/2015 08:18

It may also just be who he is, I've certainly thought about it in different ways. I don't think he needs to be fixed or anything, but I do believe people who have a problem in specific situations can learn behaviours and techniques that help though.

OP posts:
RunnerHasbeen · 23/07/2015 08:20

My DH is a bit like this, I have found that my being embarrassed or apologising for him when he says something a bit rude makes the situation much worse. Be happy alongside him, smile and laugh at his jokes and he will be more relaxed/ less awkward.

I have found that less people care about him being awkward on his own but that a couple behaving awkwardly with each other has a really noticeable effect.

MaryBerrysEyelashes · 23/07/2015 08:21

I agree with crust away

Did you not notice this before? Did you never do never socialise before you married?
I like s confident fun h with other people. Not some bloke skulking off.

Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 08:23

My BIL even to the most casual observer, displays a LOT of Aspergers traits. My SIL armed herself with a fast deal of research and study and finally took a deep breath and asked him to consider it, and look at some of the self-tests online. He went nuclear and absolutely could not accept what she was suggesting. Then he stayed up for two nights solid researching all the ways in which he didn't have asperger's, and presented them to her, in a paper file, colour coded, and a backup disc with clickable links. Pages of meticulous study to prove how he absolutely did not have one single tiny trait of ASD.
Hmm, we all said.

A big part of aspergers, as Tony Attwood points out, is the inability to see or accept it as a possibility.

Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 08:27

MaryBerry to use my BIL again as an example, his tricky traits were not as apparent when he met SIL. He had the same flat, same friends, same job for years and he was very comfortable and in control of it all. Add in marriage, new family home, different job and a couple of kids and his need for ritual and routibe has increased massively. His old friends have moved away, but he can't make new ones. His company was small and he could do things his way, but it was taken over and now he finds himself in a stiff corporation. SIL didn't see much of his didficult behaviours because he wasn't displaying them.

Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 23/07/2015 08:28

I have mentioned aspergers to him as well, he wasn't exactly angry but he was a bit miffed I think! Maybe worth going armed with more facts but I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree there.

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 23/07/2015 08:29

I do think there's a lot to be said for "fake it till you make it", so I think the more practice he gets the easier it may become. People usually love to talk about themselves so an easy way to seem more sociable is to ask people open questions. He doesn't need to be interested in the answers, just understand that by pretending to be interested he is oiling the cogs of social interraction. It then becomes a good habit. My job involves being sociable to people I may or may not have any interest in so I have to fake it a lot. It gets easier with practice.
Does he think he has a "problem"?

Original poster
Moominmamma86 · 23/07/2015 08:30

Runnerhasbeen you are right, my being tense about it does make things worse. I need to work on that...

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 23/07/2015 08:33

Ok I think I get it now. It's fine to ask OP why she didn't mind so much at the beginning because aspergers.

Which he may or may not have.

But on all other relationship threads it is utterly not done to question earlier choices, even very obvious ones such as having three kids with a,man who does fuck all housework and then feeling close to breaking point because it's so hard having three kids and no support. Anybody questioning those choices will be swiftly shown the door.

It's live and learn day on mumsnet.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 23/07/2015 08:35

I have mentioned aspergers to him as well, he wasn't exactly angry but he was a bit miffed I think! Maybe worth going armed with more facts but I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree there

To him it probably sounds like you are saying he is defective.

Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 08:35

Exactly, Morriszapp.

And if you have a child/parent who may or may not have ASD then you're directed to support. But a DP? Ner, suck it up. Sad You picked him, caveat emptor etc.

StaceyAndTracey · 23/07/2015 08:37

Morris - I didn't question any of her earlier choices. I just questioned the implied suggestion that it was either morally right or possible to change him when he didn't want to

Branleuse · 23/07/2015 08:39

he might well be a bit aspie.

I think acceptance from you, understanding and tolerance will be more likely to lead to compromise and long term happiness than wishing he was someone hes not.