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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dumped I think

80 replies

Blossomflowers · 21/07/2015 13:10

Need to get this out there. So met a guy on line a few months ago. Things went a hundred miles and hour, mainly him pushing things. our kids met, stayed at each other house, talking about holidays tog even mentioned marriage. We get on very, but sadly his 13 daughter has really struggled and is very jealous. I was willing to take a step back and he spent all last week with her and most of this week was planned as father daughter time ( no problem other than sad as we missed each other so I thought) I was never critical and did my best with her, she said she really liked me but just wanted dad all for her own. However this weekend his seemed to cool and has announced this morning that he does not know how he feels about us. Can't believe he can go from me so say being love of his life and "being the one" to this. He has asked for a couple of days to think but I think this is it, so sad. I am not going to try and turn him around but just feel sad and need a bit of hand holding

OP posts:

mypetdragon · 22/07/2015 17:31

Hi Blossom - sorry for your situation. Glad to read that you are baling out. He sounds as though he's simply got bored, had second thoughts and the daughter's comments have sealed his doubts. I was in a similar situation last year with a very similar sounding man who declared undying love within 2 days and had asked for my ring size within the month. The entire sorry relationship lasted a total of 15 weeks, when he dumped me by text. Like you I wanted no reminder of him so I left all his gifts in a box on my doorstep and told him to pop round to collect 'one or two bits' of his that I had. I have not seen him since and am very glad that the wise women on this forum helped me with sound advice. Have a a good cry, and move on. Next time take things more slowly. x

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 22/07/2015 18:49

Thanks mypet I am quite and experienced OL dater, so little annoyed with myself for falling for all of it. Was the first person I ever introduced to my son. He is very cool about is all, we had a good laugh last night. Not sure about the boredom thing but think he did not realise what an impact having a relationship with woman would affect his daughter. Got to feel a bit sorry for him really in one strange way as it will be the same if he finds someone else. Got a fer years before she becomes more independant and them probably too late for him.

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Threefishys · 22/07/2015 19:39

If it takes it slower next time there's more chance of the relationship succeeding.

Threefishys · 22/07/2015 19:40

He'll live and learn from this just as you have

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 23/07/2015 12:18

three I don't agree actually, not sure it would have mattered when he got tog with someone, seems he will have to wait for her to grow up and then consider a relationship.

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Threefishys · 23/07/2015 12:20

Perhaps. His parenting choices are his own at the end of the day.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 23/07/2015 12:53

Of course that goes without saying, would not be how I would parent. But my boy is well adjusted and happy. My conclusion is he at least could have been honest and straight. When we last met he was so say head over heels and planning the future and for no apparent reason ( other than my theories ) he gone NC. I was happy to take things slowly he was not. His loss as when his daughter gets a bit older and gets own her social life as is natural he will be sitting alone and realise what he has missed out on. Rarely do you meet someone that you click with. As I said I am bailing out.

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Threefishys · 23/07/2015 13:12

Here's the problem as I see it. It's not a choice between you and his daughter. So he hasn't 'missed out' on you because he's a father. I have some third party experience with this. My exh started a new relationship with his now exw when our dd was 8. All was rosy to begin with. Exh is excessively wealthy and wooed his new partner doggedly with gifts/holidays etc. All fine. As time went on his now exw began to feel jealous over his time with our dd. To appease her and dd exh stupidly began to be cagey about time spent with both... Eventually time spent with 8 year old dd became akin to time spent with mistress - it became a choice between his dd and his dp! Wrong on every level. Manifested by his now exw jealousy and inability to accept his relationship and parenting style and thus to accept the man she met and his circumstances and unfortunately driven by his complete mishandling of this situation to the point contact with dd became at best fraught and at worst secret. This resulted in dd choosing at age 10 not to spend time with her dad. He missed two years of her life. Now exw was briefly happy - she had the desired outcome. No dd in picture. Exh appeared resigned. Cut to today. They are divorced with two small children having split after all sorts of unsavoury incidents which dd could no longer be blamed for. Dd is rebuilding trust in her father at age 13. He is trying to recoup the time he lost with her. Would things have been different if exw was the adult in the situation and accepted with complete self awareness and dignity that this little girl now teenager did not choose her parents to split and had a right to feel secure in her father's attention and love? I suspect so. It takes a strong woman to put another woman or girl before her in her partners affections. I'm not sure I could do it and certainly she wasn't capable.

insouciance · 23/07/2015 13:29

seems he will have to wait for her to grow up and then consider a relationship
There is no evidence to say that whatsoever. There is, however, plenty of evidence that what he needs to do is give her a decent amount of time to get over her parents' split, and introduce her to any new partners slowly. Many people on this thread have said the same thing, but you have not taken any of it on board and are still thinking of her as the problem.

thegreysheep · 23/07/2015 13:55

I too think it's less the daughter than he rushed things a bit and now has cold feet - you're probably better off out of it OP though I know it hurts.

Jan45 · 23/07/2015 14:04

Awww Blossom, I don't think you are blaming the daughter at all, it's a sad situation when a parent has to spend 24hrs with their child and have no time off from being a parent, it's not healthy, his daughter wouldn't even need to know he was seeing you, that's his private business for now, I still think he's used the whole situation to bail out the relationship.

insouciance · 23/07/2015 14:04

My ex's new partner never saw my ex when he had our DC for the first 6 months (maybe longer, it was ages ago). I never saw my DP on weekends when he had his DC for around 8 months, and we didn't introduce the DC to each other for a while after that. To begin with we went on trips and meals and only did sleepovers after that still. If you're planning on being with someone for the long haul, what is a year to do it all really slowly and in the best interests of everyone, especially children who have had their worlds rocked.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 23/07/2015 14:15

three your ex a totally different situation, I am not jealous of his daughter or being demanding, he thought that he could play happy families but clear that was not going to happen. So only solution was to make sure he had plenty of father daughter time, which for me I was happy with as I have my own commitments with work and my own family. The last time I stayed a few weeks ago, I made sure I left first thing Sunday morning so they had the day tog and evening. insouc you are wrong the
way things stand the only way he will have any chance of a relationship will be when she has become indendent. I like to think as separated parents we are allowed a little me time, that is not selfish. Life is too short.

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Threefishys · 23/07/2015 14:17

I accept that if you say its different fair enough.so it's probably what Jan45 said - he's using that as an excuse. Plenty more fish in the sea

insouciance · 23/07/2015 15:26

Oh, I don't for a second think that it's wrong or selfish for separated parents to have time off. I really, really don't, which is why I had enough time to have a relationship away from my DC.

He has 5 days a week of 'me' time. That's 70% of his time.

What you want to say to a 13 year old girl is "Less than a year ago, you had both of your parents 100% of your life, all you have ever known. Time with your father was slashed from 100% to 30%, while your mother's lover, a stranger lives in your house. I, who have known your father for couple of months, want in on that time, and actually I think you need to be ok if it gets halved again."

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 23/07/2015 16:30

three exactly, thank goodness I found out early, am upset but not devastated iyswim. Onwards and upwards

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Original poster

Blossomflowers · 23/07/2015 16:35

ins in his words. He dedicated every weekend for last 10 months, couple of skiing holidays, all of Xmas, easter ( not entirely sure what the mother is thinking of, (I would not be happy if my son spent every weekend with his dad ) and had made a decision that is was time to move on and find someone to spend time with. But it is not working because he is made to feel guilty when ever we spend time tog, so it is not going to work like this.

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Original poster

Blossomflowers · 23/07/2015 17:01

ins you obviously have an axe to grind as you are not reading this properly.
Facts Mother left a year ago to live with 30 lover, after 10 months of dedicating every moment when not working to be with daughter as knew she was struggling, he felt things had calmed down and really wanted some adult company, we have seen each during the week and odd weekend, we then decided it would be nice to actually have a weekend tog and all hell broke loose. The few times we met both his wife and daughter were contsantly texting and calling. We had no chance and sadly it is over.

OP posts:

Whatsforsupper · 23/07/2015 18:02

Sorry to hear its not worked out Blossom.

My take on this is he was way to early into his separation to be dating never mind a relationship. I don't think you're to blame for his daughters reactions.

His daughter is a teen who's Mum has found a new guy her Dad a new GF,its obviously going to be difficult.

Did it all go to fast. Yes, it happens we can all get caught up when we think someone one is Right.

Smorgasboard · 23/07/2015 18:51

I'd say his behaviour, in response to his wife's reaction to your weekend away tells a lot. His wife was jealous - she still holds too much affection for him and does not want anyone else to have him. Meanwhile, he may be feeling upset that his ex is obviously upset, because he is still in the mode of trying to please her, caring too much about what she thinks still and being too emotionally tied still. This is likely why he has his daughter so much too.
I'd guess his ex was loving every weekend off and he was liking her approval of this. What it has done is backfired for his DD, as, if he had done every other weekend from the start, she would of got used to the whole way it needs to go in the future for everyone to have a life, a lot sooner. Of course his wife was happy to offload a DD who was likely hard to live with ( understandably) for every weekend of piece, but that was not going to help her to come to terms with it. In short, all too tied together still, I'd guess her 30 year old lover is now feeling the strain. On the plus side for you, although not nice to get caught up in it all, you can walk away, they have an ongoing mess that clearly is yet to be sorted out. Not your problem, walk away and leave them to it. Congrat yourself on having a well adjusted mature son ( your life is easier than theirs will be for some time, there is consolation in that).

Cabrinha · 24/07/2015 00:38

And now you're making digs about the mother not wanting the girl at weekends.
No digs about your ex not wanting her all week though.
Which is longer.

Stop with getting hung up about the mother.

These are HIS choices.

Threefishys · 24/07/2015 00:46

I feel so sorry for the daughter. Not because of anything OP has done (thus far). I'm axed at the lack of empathy towards a child in some of the responses on here tbh

BitOutOfPractice · 24/07/2015 06:22

Well here's a lesson to you. Don't introduce your kids to a man for a good long time eh?

Don't allow things to go "at a million miles an hour" - yes you do have a say in it!

I'm sorry you're hurting now but really, next time, calm the hell down

Dilema76 · 24/07/2015 09:02

I have sympathy for your situation Blossom and think some posters are being harsh.

Ultimately the guilty party in all this is the ex wife.

The daughter is hurting and it is probably the best outcome.

As someone else said, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 24/07/2015 09:43

cabr The mother is rubbish in my opinion and very very selfish, Hs does see his daughter in the week when he can but works away a tleast 3 nights a week. And as someone said the person who is not going to come out of this well is the daughter, the situation is not healthy. I have been through hell and back with my ex but I have always protected my son and never used him as a weapon as this poor child is. We are now mending his relationship with his dad which is great As I have said it is over, he texted last night and I am ignoring. Dilema thank you I agree some peoples judgements are really clouded probably due to bad exp with distant fathers. The only thing I am guilty is daring to believe after dating the past 18 months I had found the one and allowing to be swept off my feet. My son is not damaged by this, he just thinks the guy is an ass.

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