Can we discuss monogamy without a bunfight?

[LeaningTowerOfPizza]

I've namechanged because I'm not optimistic there won't be a bunfight!

Anyway: I read a thread here recently in which the OP divulged having feelings for someone outside their marriage and it got me thinking about my own marriage, values, upbringing and societal norms.

I've been happily married to my best friend for more than a decade. Neither of us has ever strayed or felt the need to but we've recently decided to open the marriage based on sexual desires. I'm wary of posting exactly what because I don't want a barrage of posts claiming I'm on my school holidays but I consider what we want to be perfectly normal. We're both happy with our choices and we both KNOW what the other would be doing [nothing has happened yet] which I feel is the main problem with societal attitudes towards sex outside marriage - deceit - though I'd like other views on this.

Some people will say sex is a need and some say it's a want, each to their own. Some others say you should be able to meet all sexual needs/wants/desires with your significant other, otherwise you're basically an unloving, uncaring hornbag who hasn't the will nor the desire to really make their marriage work. I think that's really unfair. I also think it's what leads some [some, not all!!] people to believe they have fallen for someone else when it's quite possible they are just lusting after something different. For instance, I'm bisexual. Dh is never going to meet that desire for me. I could happily go the rest of my life without being with a woman again but, given the chance, sure, I'd go for it. It doesn't mean I love Dh less or want to run away or that anything is wrong in my marriage.

I chose him, he chooses me but we're both happy to choose different if the opportunity presents itself.

I don't think we're fooling ourselves but I'll put myself out there for your opinions - do you think we are? Do you think it's possible to separate sex and love or - being emotional creatures, do you think it's playing with fire?

wannaBe all I'll say is that I don't think any relationship is guaranteed; again, monogamous relationships fail and end for all sorts of reasons (not just infidelity) so being monogamous doesn't guarantee your partner won't leave you either. I see it this way: loving someone (or someones) is always, to some extent, a leap of faith. You give your heart over to someone in the hope and expectation that they will treasure it. For me, that's paid off a thousand-fold. I'm sure others have different experiences.

An alternative perspective could be that, in being able to explore other relationships, the lure of the new-and-shiny is less treacherous - sometimes, that co-worker you have a massive crush on who seems fascinating and hilarious when they're forbidden fruit turns out to still be fascinating and hilarious if you date them, but also to have some well-hidden weird political views, and an over-complicated relationship with their parents, and eats soup in an incredibly annoying way...

it just seems like it would be living on the edge constantly not knowing whether you would have a partner next month as he/she may have fallen in love with someone else with your blessing.

I just don't see how it could be any good for anyone's emotional wellbeing, esp if you're not currently the partner seeing someone else....

I could do it.

wannaBe but if you can have concurrent romantic relationships, and that's not only okay but supported by your partner/s, what on earth would be the appeal of causing heartbreak and misery and destruction by deciding to actually end one relationship just because you've fallen in love with someone else too? I do understand that that idea worries people, but am I at all managing to explain how from my perspective it seems fairly nonsensical as compared to more realistic fears? The only reason to cause that much chaos would be if there was something fundamentally wrong in the relationship you were leaving - which wouldn't have anything to do with any additional relationships anyway.

I couldn't.

What we have is too precious to share with anyone else.

Lord Bath seems to have lived well on it hasn't he?

83 years old wonder how many wife let's he still has?

Still no bunfight, we're doing well!

Monogamy...Works for most (or maybe not judging by some of the threads on the relationship board)

My thoughts are, whatever works for you and your partner (DH or DW)

If you choose to go down a different route to monogamy then that's fine but you need to be brutally honest and open before and during any change in direction. A change from the 'norm' of monogamy can be quite liberating.

I wouldn't label what my DW and I have done, a few years ago we looked and found a male lover for her. We almost always exclusively meet together, we haven't looked back since and our relationship as husband and wife has grown ever stronger even after over 16 years of marriage.

Both of us would recommend trying it!

I think everyone is different, and people need to find their own way and provided openness is fully consensual on both sides, then it can work. The world comes in every shade of colour, and love takes many forms.

I don't understand the point of view that monogamy is hard though. I've never found it difficult. I genuinely don't think my DH does either. I think that is probably the very reason that an open relationship would be an emotional disaster for us personally, though. It's not that what I have is any 'better', it's simply that I'm not built that way.

Is it more popular (open marriage) in the upper classes? And with the "affluent".

I think it's really very much about inidividuals. As star said - jealousy is normally about you. It can be a warning, but when it's a false warning it's a sign to look at what you're unhappy about.

I'm too insecure to handle polyamory - I know this, and so I don't do it. I would either decide I had found 'real' love with a new person (I'm always, deep down, looking for a love where I'm not afraid I'll be left), or would be unable to believe that my DH wouldn't leave me after finding 'real' love with someone else. Either way, heartache all round.

For those who are secure enough in themselves and their relationships to do it, with partners who are the same, I think it can work really well.

It does worry me that as it becomes more well known it increasingly becomes a tool in the asshole armoury. 'I'm not a douche, I'm polyamorous'. And for the young and naive I think that can be a really damaging experience. But then again, there are lots of things like that.

I don't get jealous and think I would be able to cope with this. My DH is sharing fantasies of me with other men on a regular basis at the moment. I think the next step will be him suggesting the reality. He might get a shock when I say ok then!

Trust and security in your existing relationship/partnership/marriage are key.
If there is even the slightest doubt you shouldn't be considering anything other than monogamy.

I don't get jealous, well I do but it's not green eyed jealousy it's more like a '"phoar!" jealousy but maybe that's TMI.

Another thing that would be good about decreasing the culture's fetishization of monogamy would be the amount of time it would save, particularly women's time.
Think about it: at the moment women are supposed to prioritize having (and keeping) a monogamous relationship. They're forever being told how to attract men and then how to make sure the man they have 'caught' doesn't 'stray' ie take a sexual or romantic interest in anyone else. If you're not constantly stressing and whining about whether or not your partner is 'playing away' but have cheerfully negotiated your free time and your domestic time (so the kids get cared for and the chores done) you have so much more time and energy to spend on other stuff: artistic projects, charity work, building your career, climbing mountains... whatever.
Really all of us should consider our primary commitment to be to our children, and to maintaining a civil, amicable, child-priotitzing relationship with whoever we actually mingled our genes with to have them. If that doesn't involve parents being or remaining sexual/romantic partners it shouldn't be a big deal.

I have a friend who was in an open relationship for 4 years ( so just hook ups at parties and short term flings). They then decided to make their relationship poly. She started as the primary partner and after a year became the secondary partner, and her OH became primary partners with the woman who was the secondary partner initially.

She was upset initially but now they've all readjusted and she's made peace with the situation.

I have been with my DP 10 years and we did discuss the possibility about 5 years ago as we knew so many people doing it. But neither really fancied trying it as we decided that our friends, family and causes are where we funnel any energy left after our relationship, iyswim.

I've seen polyamory and open relationships done thoughtlessly and considerately and, as with many things, it seems to come down to being honest about motivations and good communication.

I think assuming monogamy is the most valued option ignores the fact that it's been the "ideal" forced upon us for centuries in many western cultures.

If we can all move into a new culture that recognises that people might actually want different things, that would be great.

This is a good example of the interference of other people. The woman they have "gleefully caught out" could have been cheating OR could have been in an open marriage. There is no way these two women could have been sure and either way it was STILL none of their business.

Solid is right The biggest problem is the interference of others.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3173433/Female-Atlanta-Braves-fans-hand-man-note-telling-wife-cheating.html

I don't think it's wise to separate sex from respect, intimacy and emotion but I don't think love is necessary for healthy mutual sexual fulfilment.

I heartily support a mutually negotiated open relationship or other forms of consensual non-monogamy. I think it is prejudice to oppose anything other than monogamy as 'morally wrong' but I do vehemently oppose any situations where consent is eroded or ignored or deliberately abandoned.

Non-monogamy can be tricky from a consent/emotional perspective but so is any kind of sexual relationship if you think about it - just different issues.

What I never support is cheating, lying, disrespect in any kind of relationship.

I'm interested to read a pp who also hates the early dating phase - I feel the same and also am uninterested in any kind of open relationship. I have said to my dh more than once that I wouldn't necessarily see infidelity by him as the end, and i can imagine that morphing into a kind of open setup. I can also see that by the time you've been married 30 years or so you might feel differently.

Good luck with it Op. It sounds exhausting but then the idea of being in a state of sexual potential is hell to me.