Can we discuss monogamy without a bunfight?

[LeaningTowerOfPizza]

I've namechanged because I'm not optimistic there won't be a bunfight!

Anyway: I read a thread here recently in which the OP divulged having feelings for someone outside their marriage and it got me thinking about my own marriage, values, upbringing and societal norms.

I've been happily married to my best friend for more than a decade. Neither of us has ever strayed or felt the need to but we've recently decided to open the marriage based on sexual desires. I'm wary of posting exactly what because I don't want a barrage of posts claiming I'm on my school holidays but I consider what we want to be perfectly normal. We're both happy with our choices and we both KNOW what the other would be doing [nothing has happened yet] which I feel is the main problem with societal attitudes towards sex outside marriage - deceit - though I'd like other views on this.

Some people will say sex is a need and some say it's a want, each to their own. Some others say you should be able to meet all sexual needs/wants/desires with your significant other, otherwise you're basically an unloving, uncaring hornbag who hasn't the will nor the desire to really make their marriage work. I think that's really unfair. I also think it's what leads some [some, not all!!] people to believe they have fallen for someone else when it's quite possible they are just lusting after something different. For instance, I'm bisexual. Dh is never going to meet that desire for me. I could happily go the rest of my life without being with a woman again but, given the chance, sure, I'd go for it. It doesn't mean I love Dh less or want to run away or that anything is wrong in my marriage.

I chose him, he chooses me but we're both happy to choose different if the opportunity presents itself.

I don't think we're fooling ourselves but I'll put myself out there for your opinions - do you think we are? Do you think it's possible to separate sex and love or - being emotional creatures, do you think it's playing with fire?

Nomontagues, I suppose since my first time on MN in 2006 to date, I've noticed an increase in bunfights over subjects many of us wouldn't consider controversial or provocative. I assumed, wrongly so far, there wouldn't be this level of honesty and okayness [i know it's not a word but the right one escapes just now) with a subject I've only ever known to be taboo or perverted. I have friends who are younger than us, in there 20's who would be horrified. It's a scary thing to talk about where I am too.
You're all typing too fast for me to reply individually so I'll just thank you all in this post for your honest views.

*their

starspread i can so see the appeal to polyamory from reading your post. Never really given it much thought before.

Imagine being able to enjoy the blossoming of a new relationship while still being with a dp you love and without the guilt. The dp wouldnt have to worry about blossoming relationship because there is no competition of choosing one over another. You can just enjoy the people in your life for who they are. Sounds really good.

I imagine it would be difficult to fit in with family life though, and difficult to seek out second partners who are happy with you being polyamory (i live in a small village!).

Im just thinking out load here

country I understand now.

I think if it is out in the open then it could be a great opportunity for you both.
monogamy is overrated and I agree with a pp who said perhaps the reason for many divorces.
I'm not sure a relationship/ polygamy is for me but seriously consider other extramarital fun.
I too am bisexual, could manage my whole life and be satisfied with dh, but why pass up the opportunity if dh is as happy as I am.
I think you need to be completely honest with each other and almost in a business like way state what you will accept and what is not acceptable.
I wish you luck OP, it's a yes from me too

I think everything is negotiable in a relationship. As long as both partners are open, honest, responsible and respectful I don't see why it couldn't work. For my own relationship it would be disastrous, mainly due to communication issues.

I think its a very good idea in theory, much harder to make work in practice. The fact that so many people have come out in favour of it or variations on it on here is indicative that it can work but I suspect its also a self-selecting (and therefore slightly biased) selection of people.

In practice, a fairly small percentage of people can feel totally relaxed about their spouse or long-term partner being unfaithful with them.

This is probably due to societal norms as much as to a deep-seated emotional need. And for the people who genuinely can do it and maintain their core relationship I say more power to you.

But I suspect that in a number of cases one partner is more inclined towards it than the other and that the partner who is going along with it to maintain the health of the marriage is probably carrying some resentment, spoken or unspoken.

That's not to say that people shouldn't explore it if its right for them. But I think unfortunately that its unlikely to become widespread any time soon.

Theoretically, great idea if it works.

In practice, if DW and I did this, what if she got loads of action /interest and I got nothing?

"Oh yeah, 'open marriage', heard that one before mate" would, I imagine, be the response from charming young ladies I attempted to woo into my polyamorous arms. :)

DadOnIce

Yes, I can see this. Maybe your dw would have to speak for you and become friends with the intended person or better still maybe one of her friends fancies you already.

dadonice that made me laugh because it's something we've discussed and Dh said something similar.

For us, it's looking like DH may be the one to 'meet up' with someone first because he's had a flirtation with a mutual friend and they seem to be getting on really well. Definitely nothing has happened yet though. I trust Dh completely and I have great time for our friend.

She's fully aware of the circumstances and is happy. Funnily, I'd be happy for there to be an emotional connection with her and Dh.

statspread post really interested me for this reason.

Lots of really interesting posts. I have to go, probably until the morning but thank you all for replying

I would be open to a poly relationship, I could see great benefits from it for myself and partner. The only tricky part in my opinion is finding a partner who would be of the same thinking.

I'm sure it's not even about the sex and more about the "newness" as someone said.

If it was more socially acceptable then surely there wouldn't be so many affairs, who knows.

This is something I really quite vehemently disagree with, for me. In my opinion, marriage is the commitment to be faithful, so "open" marriages just baffle me. If I wanted to be with more than one person I wouldn't be married iyswim?

That said, what works for me (and DH) wouldn't work for someone else, it doesn't make either way wrong.

The whole world would be a better place if we all just live and let live, so who cares whether these things could/should work? Just live life and be happy.

I find it amazing that anyone can do it.

I just can't imagine thinking of my husband having sex with someone else. The idea of it makes me want to hurt him and the fictional women he is shagging The thought of it really does make me feel quite ill. I also have no desire to have sex with anyone else. We have been together for 10 years and of course I find other men attractive but I have never been tempted to sleep with someone else.

I would also worry that things would get messy, but I fell in love with everyone I shagged so....

I think monogamy for me is something that is easy (at this point in my life, wasn't this way when I was unhappily married at 18) and something I really enjoy, the thought of sleeping with someone brand new isn't a nice thought.

However, I quite admire people who can do it. I think it must be quite freeing in a way, if that makes sense? I think there can be so much jealously in the name of sexual exclusivity which I don't think for the majority of people is a natural state. I think a lot of people do it because it is the norm and struggle with it.

I think you need a very strong marriage, high self-esteem and great communication. If you can have all that then have fun!

It's worth pointing out the fact that 'marriage' isn't always, and hasn't always, been about heterosexual monogamy. Different cultures have structured the concept in a variety of ways, which until fairly recently have always been concerned with regulating men's ownership of women as domestic labour and breeding stock.

There's nothing wrong with doing monogamy as long as your partner consents: the problem lies in the idea that lifetime monogamy is superior to other arrangements.

I tried it and it went horribly wrong.

I've done polyamory for five years or so, been great for me. It definitely can work, go for it if it's what you want!

Dorris Would you care to expand if not too private?

I'd actually be interested to know if this sort of set up works better for couples that have been married for an age as opposed to newly-weds or indeed those that entered marriage knowing that it would be poly.

In spite of trying to be with people NSA (while single) it is not possible for me. I have to connect with a person in order to sleep with them, which then inevitably leads to me wanting more than the initial agreement. Therefore it would not be fair on my boyfriend to have an open relationship in which feelings for others are a no no. His encounters would also be a great source of anguish for me for a variety of reasons.

I wouldn't entirely rule it out in the future perhaps, depending on circumstances and whatnot. Up until this point in my life however, I've been satisfied with one partner at a time and to be honest can't imagine having the time, energy or inclination for any extras!

Having been in a long term relationship in the past with someone who had a fetish which repulsed me, then I can see how that could work. That relationship was riddled with other problems though and needed to end, not become open.

I suggested being poly because I had started to feel unfulfilled , bored , and I thought that marriage was the problem with its rules and regulations. I came up with all sorts of data about divorce to support my view. I can see now that marriage was not the problem , I had married the wrong person and no longer loved him. He was boring and dull. Sex was rubbish. It seemed an ideal solution , the stability of a marriage and family and fun on the side.

I fell for the other man and divorced. I personally really wouldn't recommend it. If my spouse doesn't meet my needs , or I find myself not caring who he fucks , ill get divorced before I go down that road again. It didn't work in my case because it became an unhealthy solution to an unhappy marriage, although I didn't realize that at the time.

If this was a successful option/way of life for people it would be happening more. The simple fact is it just doesn't work.
It may "work" for some people, all of the time or some people for some of the time.

I think in theory I get why it could work for some people, and do know of people who have gone down that route - with varying degrees of success.

I think equality and honesty is the key and I think that's where it falls down - IME it seems to be one party who wants it much more than the other.

It's not something I would entertain; good sex, for me, requires an emotional connection and intimacy - if it's just to scratch an itch, so to speak, I can do that myself.

Of course, some go further than just sex - and have full loving and sexual relationships with other people. I accept that monogamy is a social construct, however I dont believe I'm mentally set up to do anything different. I love having that one person whom I am closer to than anyone else in the world.

I can't understand how anyone could do it and not be seething with jealousy 24/7, like U2 it makes me feel ill!

But if both parties in the relationship (and the other parties who will get involved) are ok with it then who am I to judge? The thought of skydiving also makes me feel ill but people regularly fling themselves out of airplanes!

From a personal point of view I think it must be a lot of work to do it right, and there must be quite a high risk of getting emotionally involved.

The simple fact is it just doesn't work.
It may work for some people, all of the time or some people for some of the time.

You could be describing monogamy.

Perhaps naively I do think it's a very black and white set-up with no room for any middle ground. E.g. It's either acceptable for you to have relations outside your marriage or it's not. I can't imagine a spouse saying 'well you can have sex with her/him but you can't go out for dinner, take a romantic trip, hold hands etc etc'

Yup, the truth is that longterm monogamy doesn't work for large numbers of people. There would be a lot less misery if everyone could accept that and regard monogamy as just one preference among several (eg celibacy, polyamory, FWB forever...)