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Original poster

Lost and confused with Husband

57 replies

Em4891 · 16/07/2015 10:48

Hi all,
I'm at a complete mess at the moment .
I have been with my Husband for 6 years now ( married for 1.5)
We have had our ups and downs like any couple but , I'm reaching the point where I feel he hates me or something as he has no drive at all when it comes to supporting me and us working together in our everyday life as a couple.
Many things have bought this to a head but, the one thing I am hurt over is his lack of support since me giving birth to our first child only 6 weeks ago.
He took 4 weeks off altogether and I honestly thought he would of shown more care for me and helping me etc but, the was the one laying in bed and I was doing majority of the baby care as well as taking care of running our home and looking after my daughter from a previous relationship and walk our two dogs .
Since he has gone back to work he barely gets up to do anything to help with his new son or help anyway at all but, always has time to put in at least 2 hours a day on his ps4 and even longer when he's off.
I am extremely struggling now as my health is now suffering by lack of sleep and energy . I have told him several times I need him to help more buy, he doesn't listen .
I would just like other people's opinion as I feel I'm always the bad one. I appreciate I'm on maternity at the moment but, I do feel he should help me as he works 10-6 am and is having average of 10 hours sleep a day . Any advice I would be grateful for .
Smile

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 16/07/2015 10:51

Yes of course he should help out. If he won't listen then you either decide to put up with it or get rid. He doesn't seem very caring towards you or the children.

TheLastCarnival · 16/07/2015 11:03

I am sorry you are going through this, but if he won't listen to you or refuses to help then I would suggest leaving or asking him to leave.

Not that I am in any position to give advice but really don't want to see you end up like me , still there in 20 years, no confidence, few friends and worn out from it all. I've had it all and believe me it doesn't get any better. My husband used his paternity leave after our third child to take a holiday with his mates!

In the meantime you need to talk to your GP and or HV so they are aware and can help you take care of yourself and your mental health.

EvilSideKick · 16/07/2015 11:11

Talk to him. Is it his first child? I note your DC1 is not his. Maybe he thinks you know best and is therefore leaving you to it. Try and calmly talk to him pointing out all that things that need doing and how exhausting it all is. Give him specific tasks. I would not advocate leaving him if the relationship is good overall without first trying to resolve things. Babies are hard work and take their toll on any relationship. He did take 4 weeks off work so presumably he wanted to be with you and baby. If he continues not to help that's a different matter. Good luck and congrats on your new baby.

Original poster
Em4891 · 16/07/2015 12:00

I have discussed it many times with him. Asking for support etc.
I am so worried I am suffering from post natal depression as I have suffered from depression in the past and the reponext I got off my husband then was that he couldn't handle me and would often disappear to bed leaving me to cry.
Im trying so hard to make things work but, know there's a lu e that needs to be drawn between being nice and simply being taken for granted Sad

OP posts:
EvilSideKick · 16/07/2015 12:32

Talk to your HV or GP. Number 1 priority is to look after yourself. Once you are well then you are better able to judge how things are in your relationship.

Original poster
Em4891 · 16/07/2015 13:13

I've also had these problems going on since before I was pregnant. Ivery tried being nice about it to being a bit firm but, I get no where

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 16/07/2015 13:29

Sounds like it's not you but it's him. If you have pnd how would that be your fault, and if you have it why isn't he supporting and helping you?

EvilSideKick · 16/07/2015 13:57

PND is not anyone's fault, and he should be supporting you through it. I would not advise someone with PND to make a major decision like to separate from the father of their child hence the advice to talk and seek medical assistance.

Original poster
Em4891 · 16/07/2015 22:47

I honestly don't know what I have done to him. He stayed in bed all day today and only got up for his dinner then went back to bed until work.
walked out and to work.
Sad

OP posts:
annandale · 16/07/2015 22:56

I wonder if he has been more shocked than he expected by fatherhood and as a pp said, he thinks you are the expert in this.

Doesn't IN THE LEAST excuse his behaviour but it may explain it. However, if he's not talking to you how can you know what's going on in his head?

I think you need to trigger a big row so that he will talk to you. How exhausting. Channel your feelings and let a bit of the anger and distress out at him so he knows how you are feeling.

Original poster
Em4891 · 16/07/2015 23:23

I have done. That's the problem. I'm just the nagging wife . I just wish he would realise what we have and what I actually do

OP posts:
Sweetsecret · 16/07/2015 23:39

The only way you can show him what you do us have a day out, (unless you are breastfeeding feeding) but if not leave him to look after the baby and have a day out. even if you just sit in a cafe for five hours or wander round the shops. just leave him looking after the children, it's the only way he will know what you have to do everyday. he should be stepping up this is not right.Thanks

NotAJammyDodger · 17/07/2015 00:12

"He stayed in bed all day today and only got up for his dinner then went back to bed until work." Hmm

  • making dinner for him would be off my to do list, along with any other chores like ironing shirts etc.
No help from him, no help from me. He can't have his cake and eat it Grin.
Atenco · 17/07/2015 02:37

He must be incredibly charming, OP, for you to put up with this.

pocketsaviour · 17/07/2015 15:41

Ivery tried being nice about it to being a bit firm

Have you tried being definitely firm and telling him he needs to step up or step out?

This man needs a gigantic kick in the rear end to start fulfilling his responsibilities.

It's outrageous for him to decide that fatherhood means he does LESS than before!

Do you know what his parents' relationship is/was like? Does his dad leave his mum to do all the "womans work"?

DangerGrouse · 17/07/2015 16:57

I was laid in bed sobbing with Pnd when my partner came home from work once. He ignored me and went and bought us fish and chips. He then threw away mine as I didn't 'look keen' enough to eat it. He then went and sat in the lounge for the rest of the night as I sobbed alone in bed. I dumped him soon after and felt much better. Don't waste your time with these self absorbed emotionless fuckwits they will never change.

MatildaTheCat · 17/07/2015 17:33

He sounds depressed. An arse with depression for sure but I would book a double appointment at your GP and both go to ask for assessment and help. If he refuses then you need to do whatever makes your life easier for now and look after your dc and yourself with him very much in fourth place. Does he have any mh history?

Original poster
Em4891 · 17/07/2015 18:06

I His Dad left his Mum for another woman. He has had no contact with him since, he was always complaining how unhappy his life was at his Mum's as she was always spoilt his sister and most days would be in his room as he was unhappy.
So a few years ago we decidedto move in together as I came into money, my Dad paid our deposit for our first home together and I used my money to get us out of debt and settled in our new home.
Since being with me he's had everything he's always wanted , I just feel he abuses my kindness and now I've had enough.
I constantly feel like the bad guy and I take on everything as I know he won't do it. Or give excuses.
I am obviously worried as I am giving up a lot and feel there's something wrong with me as this is my 2nd long relationship and foolishly I believed it when he said he said he wouldn't treat me like my ex

OP posts:
Atenco · 18/07/2015 00:25

There is no shame, Em, in not staying in a bad relationship. I stayed with my abusive ex for precisely a year and a half and consider myself very fortunate to have got out so quick considering that they say that, on average, women stay 11 years before leaving an abusive relationship

NerdyBird · 18/07/2015 02:13

I would not leave him to look after the baby, with a man like this I'd be worried he just wouldn't step up.
Trry again to talk to him. Tell him if he won't talk to you it makes it more likely you'll ask him to leave. If he still won't talk then you'll know what to do, if he does be very blunt about how you are feeling and what you need him to do.

Congrats on your baby, btw x

Original poster
Em4891 · 18/07/2015 07:47

I spoke to him this morning but, didn't go the way I planned instead it turned into him saying how I'm not perfect etc . I just give up now I'm so mentally and physically exhausted .

OP posts:
MudCity · 18/07/2015 08:22

So terribly sorry to hear about what you are going through.

Was he like this before you got married? Or before you got pregnant? What was he like during your pregnancy? Just wondering when this started because, in my experience, getting married and having a child just magnifies things to enormous proportions. If he was lazy before, you are going to notice it all the more now you have a baby.

Like other posters have said I think going to your GP is the first step. You can talk about you and make sure you are ok.
Then consider relationship counselling which will help you both to communicate with each other. If he won't go, then go on your own.
This will help you come to the decisions you need to make.

It is dreadfully sad that he is not pulling his weight at the time you need him most. It isn't acceptable either. Give him a chance to change through counselling but if not I would cut my losses. As other posters have said, it won't get any better (unless he takes the necessary steps to change now) and you don't want to be with someone who is not going to support you in the rest of your marriage. Set a timescale for how long you are willing to give him (in your head, not out loud) and stick to it. Everyone deserves a chance to change but if they won't engage then you have to be firm with yourself and make tough decisions.

Don't waste your life.

bythewindsailors · 18/07/2015 08:38

He just being defensive about a perceived attack on him. My dh does this. He turns things around to be my fault, drags up the past and makes it all about my inadequacies because he is upset about criticism.
What works with my dh is to present him with the problem and find a solution together rather than dictate what he needs to do
E.g my children are at school so until iwent back to work recently I did all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, childcare etc. He didn't see naturally that he needed to pitch in, I just carried on getting more and more knackered. He didn't do anything around the house which I resented. After several rows, i presented him with the problem in a factual way: I.e I don't have the same amount of time to do the chores as I used to, I am doing them until late in the night and am tired. We need to work out a schedule so that we get everything done and we both get time off and family time. We looked at a time plan and a list of jobs that need doing and allocated them between us. Works for us as it keeps us as equal partners and not me acting as his manager, which it is easy to fall into.
Give it a go and try negotiation. You stop being a nag as the onus is on him to cooperate. If he doesn't, he is showing himself to be a complete arse who you could live without!.

When he gets back from work in the morning, list the chores and decide who will do them : prepare dinner, put the vacuum round, walk dog, school run for daughter ( if applicable) etc. Discuss when you will both have time to sleep and when you will both get time to relax and play ps4!
Good luck op. Flowers

truthaboutlove · 18/07/2015 08:42

He spent the whole day in bed when he has a new baby and he thinks that's acceptable? I don't think so.

It would be ultimatum time for me.

bythewindsailors · 18/07/2015 08:43

And agree with other posters about gp and counselling. You need to be in a place where you value yourself to get him to shape up to his new responsibities.

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