Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lost and confused with Husband

57 replies

Em4891 · 16/07/2015 10:48

Hi all,
I'm at a complete mess at the moment .
I have been with my Husband for 6 years now ( married for 1.5)
We have had our ups and downs like any couple but , I'm reaching the point where I feel he hates me or something as he has no drive at all when it comes to supporting me and us working together in our everyday life as a couple.
Many things have bought this to a head but, the one thing I am hurt over is his lack of support since me giving birth to our first child only 6 weeks ago.
He took 4 weeks off altogether and I honestly thought he would of shown more care for me and helping me etc but, the was the one laying in bed and I was doing majority of the baby care as well as taking care of running our home and looking after my daughter from a previous relationship and walk our two dogs .
Since he has gone back to work he barely gets up to do anything to help with his new son or help anyway at all but, always has time to put in at least 2 hours a day on his ps4 and even longer when he's off.
I am extremely struggling now as my health is now suffering by lack of sleep and energy . I have told him several times I need him to help more buy, he doesn't listen .
I would just like other people's opinion as I feel I'm always the bad one. I appreciate I'm on maternity at the moment but, I do feel he should help me as he works 10-6 am and is having average of 10 hours sleep a day . Any advice I would be grateful for .
Smile

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 18/07/2015 08:55

It's not your job to get him to do anything.

His responsibilities are, er, his responsibility.

You are under no obligation to put up with this unkind man making your life a misery.

Go and see a lawyer about getting him out.

He's just wasting oxygen in your and your kids' home at the moment.

Original poster
Em4891 · 18/07/2015 08:58

Many thanks for all your advice and comments .
My hubby was like this before we were married and had a baby .
I had an in depth disscusion with him before we moved in together and had a baby and in both times he assured me he would be supportive and understand what massive responsibilities it all is but , I feel he's let me down on a huge level .
I'm afraid to say he was quite mean during my pregnancy even going as far to ask if it was his or not which absolutely crushed me . Which I feel has come from his insecurities from his last relationship in which she cheated .
I have told my husband exactly what is going on in my mind but, like others have said I may need to think of a time scale in my mind how long I let this continue

OP posts:
ConfusedNC · 18/07/2015 09:08

Em, I'm really sorry you're going through this. My ex (getting divorced now) was exactly the same. I was on my knees with exhaustion and he'd be the one to go for a nap. He'd get cross and say I was hen pecking when I asked for help.

It took me three years of misery and sorry to say mental abuse and lots of processing since to understand.

Em you can't save your relationship. It's down to him to step up. And if the man you share your life with can't show you kindness when you are most vulnerable and in need of support, then this is not a man you want as a husband and role model for your child.

Do whatever you can to get stronger. Look after yourself. Rest when you can. Get help elsewhere if you can. And when you get stronger, perhaps even get counselling alone to help you, get rid of him. Flowers

NeitherHereOrThere · 18/07/2015 09:15

Stop doing his chores - no cooking, shopping, laundry etc for him.

Just focus on you and DC until you feel stronger and more able to make a decision about this manchild.

Ladyconstance · 18/07/2015 10:15

Totally agree with Neither. Your priorities right now are you first, then baby, then DC. he's a grown up, he'll have to manage on his own. Reach out to others for support as much as you can e.g. GP, HV, friends, family. Don't waste energy expecting him to do stuff. Whether he's freaked out by the New responsibilities or stuff from his past,you can't fix him and Now is not the time to ponder why he's behaving this way. Good luck and I hope you manage to enjoy the new baby, despite it being very tough at the moment. X

TheSilveryPussycat · 18/07/2015 12:58

I have often wondered how many cases of so-called PND are, in fact, simply reactive depression to a situation involving an arse of a partner.

This bloke sounds like a bit of a cocklodger to boot.

ImperialBlether · 18/07/2015 13:05

So many times depression is just dealing with something really awful. He is treating you very badly, OP. Do you think you could find the strength to live on your own? It can be a lot easier than having someone there who is a drain on you.

Original poster
Em4891 · 18/07/2015 13:19

Here's the cherry on the cake . I've already suffered with depression and he couldn't handle me crying but, would moan if I went to my mum for a shoulder to cry on .
I just feel very alone at the moment as he told me he doesn't want me talking to anyone about him .
All I want to do is talk to my mum but , he just sees it as some vendetta against him .
I feel that I'm partly to blame though as I always give in to him and he's always got what he's wanted from me Sad

OP posts:
AlfAlf · 18/07/2015 13:26

So he refuses to support you emotionally, but doesn't want you getting support from anyone else either? This is just cruel. You deserve and need supporting.
Don't let him cut you off from your mum.

NeitherHereOrThere · 18/07/2015 13:50

I would go and stay with your Mum for a few weeks - you need help and support to stop you becoming ill again.

I would agree with a PP that he was probably the cause of your depression.

RoobyTuesday · 18/07/2015 14:04

Em do you love him? Can you list 5 things that you like about your DH? I know it sounds like an obvious question but if his behaviour is making you feel sad and exhausted and resentful then it won't be long before you will be questioning whether you are still in love with him. He sounds very selfish and emotionally immature. If you are going to separate it is actually easier to do it early days while your dc is still so young - I've been in your situation. My ex husband did naff all to help and support me when I had our ds, I don't think he even changed one nappy. I left him when ds was 6 months old and I've honestly never looked back. I am now happily married with two more children and ds1 now actually has a good relationship with my ex who suddenly got interested in being a father once ds got older and a bit more interesting (and less hard work).
Life is too short to waste with those who drag you down. You deserve a million times more.

Confusednc · 18/07/2015 15:57

Agree with rooby and neither with one exception.

Asking yourself if you love him is the wrong question. Ask yourself if your husband 's behaviour is that of someone who loves you?

You deserve to be loved back even if you still think you love him.

NerdyBird · 18/07/2015 20:01

I don't think it sounds like he is going to change. Unfortunately I think you need to make plans to separate.

MudCity · 18/07/2015 21:23

You must talk to your Mum, Em. It will help you feel less isolated give you a bit of time and space to consider your options.

It sounds as though you have steered so much in your relationship, paying off debt, putting down the deposit on a house...while your husband appears to have drifted along beside you, although not actually with you.

Can you go and stay with your Mum? It doesn't sound as though you are going to get the support you need at home so you will need to look for other sources of support. I can understand his view that he doesn't want you talking with other people about him....that's perfectly natural...so tell him you are going to talk to your Mum / other people about you, not him.

Take hold of the reins here. It doesn't have to be all about him. It can be all about you, what you want, the way you feel and you have a right to seek support with that.

I feel so sad for you....I really do. It's tough not getting support from a partner at the best of times, but not getting support during your pregnancy and when you have just had a baby is so cruel.

You deserve better. So, start creating that better future for yourself. Be strong and take good care. Seek support.

Atenco · 19/07/2015 00:12

Oh yes, he is a lazy sod because of his bad childhood and a nasty so-and-so because a previous relationship, so does he ever accept responsability for his own actions?

Original poster
Em4891 · 19/07/2015 15:57

It would seem not. I ended up losing it last night and told him if this isn't what he wants then to leave

OP posts:
MudCity · 19/07/2015 16:47

Good for you. Sometimes you just have to lose it because speaking nicely falls on deaf ears.

It isn't surprising you lost it either so don't feel guilty. You must be exhausted. I hope he has taken you seriously and you start to see a change in his behaviour. As I said before, set a timescale in your head for how long you are willing to give him. These things can drift on for years and you really don't want to be posting on here in 5 years / 10 years time about the same issue do you?

Think about the counselling too. It can help you see things more clearly and you will know that you have given your relationship every chance to succeed.

Take care!

Original poster
Em4891 · 19/07/2015 17:07

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Em4891 · 21/07/2015 18:15

Today has reached a whole new low because I finally stood up to him. He is now going as far as to say our son isn't his and I'm a slapper .
I'm mortified to be honest especially as over the weekend I was in hospital due to having a heavy period and being told I'm over doing it.
I can't believe he has stooped that low Shock

OP posts:
Handywoman · 21/07/2015 18:31

Oh Em, he really is awful. Can you get him to leave? It would surely be impossible to not be depressed while living with this man. You must get him to leave if you can. Hugs to you [thsnks] can you go to your mums over night?

Original poster
Em4891 · 21/07/2015 18:45

He's working later so I'll be on my own anyway . This is all cus I told him I'm sick of him not pulling his weight .

OP posts:
Atenco · 22/07/2015 04:17

I am so angry on your behalf, em. You and your son are worth much more than this.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/07/2015 05:03

I'm tempted to say it's make or break time and he either shapes up or ships out but, as no decent man would treat or speak to his wife in such a derogatory manner, I suggest you insist he ships out because neither of your dcs will benefit from having him as a parent/role model and your depression will lift once you're free of his malignant presence.

I also suggest you either ask your dm to come and stay for a while, or take your dcs to her home where you can offload and know there's someone who cares sufficiently to take the load off you.

As for him equating you talking to others about him as being some kind of vendetta, after more mumsnetters have read this read there'll be an army baying for his blood so he can console himself with the thought that he's got one thing right Smile

textfan · 22/07/2015 05:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/07/2015 08:11

I would ignore him telling you he doesn't like you talking about him and talk with your DM. Also your health visitor. And a solicitor.

Your DD shouldn't think that this is how a relationship functions. I know your baby is not two months' old yet and it looks like a mountain to climb but you did well to confront him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread