Advice needed- husband about to leave

[ThreePipeProblem]

A month or so ago my dh said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave. It came as a huge shock as I thought we were just going through a blip. We've been together for 15 yes, married for 10 and have two dcs.

Prior to his announcement dh was going out all the time and was having what I felt was an emotional affair, although he denied it. He had become v secretive with his phone etc.

We're now at the stage where he is looking for somewhere else to live. I'm just devastated. I just don't recognise him as being my dh. He is so cold and emotionless.

I don't recognise myself in this - hence the mn name change. I've been so pathetic. I've sobbed and begged for him to try again. I feel so rejected and worthless. I'm dreading having to tell the dcs. They're 6 and 4.

He wants to say he is working away and delay telling them. I think that's ridiculous as it just delays the inevitable especially as he wants to take them overnight one night each weekend and have contact in the week at home.

Sorry this so so long. I just want some clarity on what to do. Hardly anyone in rl knows as I want the children to know first.

Hi OP,
Sorry this is happening to you. Do tell lots of people. Tell your friends and family, start to give it some air. You will find lots of support and it will help.

Reality, I think you might have misunderstood what Blood said.

Or perhaps you meant to?

hahaha
oh realitycheque.
I'm extremely well aware of the difference between what's demanded as a burden of proof in a court of law and how to empathise and aid people being misdirected by a partner they trust who is driven by self-interest. They're completely different things and your comparison supposes a naivety on my part which is understandable, but wrong.
I appreciate on a forum it's very easy to quote something someone's saying and extrapolate from it, in your case and of course, in mine. But really, let's not turn this into a debate about me and my attitude. This is about the OP. And if your view is her husband has left because he is tired of the relationship out of the blue and want to advise her on that basis, obviously, please, go ahead.

He is much further ahead emotionally on this - It's a good thing his flat has a lovely bedroom for the children. They have to be happy with him, and unfortunately you have to have him in your life in some capacity for the next 14 years.
It's shit for you, no doubt about it.

It's all very new and very raw. It's hard telling the kids, but after that it's a lot about practicalities.

It's a long road, yes, but it takes you to a new, better life.

I am just getting my financial settlement in place, have stayed in the family home and have a new relationship. Life is good - I've come a long way in 6 months. XH held me back, he aged me, battered me emotionally. Now I can breathe.

My heart goes out to you OP.

Do tell your boss - you need some support/slack at work, and they may well be supportive.

I'm sorry for your pain OP. You are not alone and you will receive great support here.

FWIW i also think there is an OW (the phone secrecy alone is a slam dunk - I only discovered my ex's affair because he was daft enough to change from a Blackberry to an iPhone which shows the first few lines of a new text message - his affair had gone on for two and half years before then). Like many others on this board I have been there and got the unwanted T shirt.

Thinking back to how I felt when I discovered my exH affair, I'm sure you are reeling ATM. You have had good advice here from women who have also been there. It's shit, it hurts like nothing else and it's unbelievable.

I promise though you will get through this and out the other side and you'll be stronger than you ever knew you were and you'll reach a point where you are the one posting on MN to pay back for the help you received in these boards. He'll be in your past and you will build a new life for you and your DC where you are wiser, warier and an altogether cooler and tougher woman. Oh and he'll still be an adulterous dick and a crap human being. He has no way out from that ever.

Reality Cheque. There is a very true saying that "men don't jump, unless they have somewhere soft to land."

What man would leave of his own choice from a comfortable home, his children and wife to live in a soulless flat with limited contact with his children, unless someone was waiting in the wings for him?

There are exceptions of course, but none have been mentioned by OP.

Three Pipe. Please do tell all including both families. My biggest regret was protecting my ExH for 23 years of affairs. My dear father died thinking the sun shone from him. Had I told, I would have had the support to get rid.

why on earth does he need to use the washing machine? Is he living in a tree? (in which case, he can use the launderette).

tell the children, you can't hide it.

sorry

Dh is in a different place emotionally. He wants to fast forward to us being friends and me to be happy with him dropping in for bedtimes. I'm just so hurt and shocked this has all happened so quickly.

I emailed my boss today. I clicked send and then left as I didn't want to talk. We're meeting this week though so will face it then. I could do with some time off just to get my thoughts together but can't afford the leave with school holidays coming up.

We've told our families. I told mine first. I thought I was going to burst unless I told someone. They were lovely and kind but his haven't been in touch with me at all. I feel cut adrift. I know their loyalty is to dh but I've been a member of their family for 15 years.

dh has agreed we should tell the dcs the truth about him leaving and as he is awaiting confirmation of a lease on a flat it won't be long now. I'm wondering if we should tell the dcs this weekend so give them time to get used to the idea before he goes. I don't know.

His flat has a washing machine so we won't be warring over laundry thankfully.

What are the practicalities OP? Can you afford to pay where you are? Will you be ok until sorted?

I know that acceptance of the new woman. I was one once, now the new is great and I'm out. I did receive a sympathy card just before including the new woman. He's on the fourth wife now!

I'm so so sorry, Three. Families can be brutal and precious sons backed. Rest assured, it's you who has been mistreated and he is just trying to fast forward to a time when no one gets to be angry with him for his monstrous betrayal and deceit.

I would be very wary of setting up a system which allows him access to your house to come and go as he pleases. When the OW comes out of the woodwork it will be as someone he has just decided to get together with, so his family don't judge him. You don't need to protect him.

Put yourself first. This is going to be a rough ride but you're going to be okay.

the reason he is in a different place emotionally is not because he didn't love you. He's just been planning this for a long time and you have had no time at all and no truth from him to make sense of the change. It's not your fault. None of this is.

I did a budget today and we can stay here and I should be able to pay everything, even if dh doesn't contribute. We'd have to cut back on food shopping and other luxuries but there are lots of threads on that.

Long term is a different story. I went part time after dc1 and only do 3 days plus I'm on a fixed term contract. I've 2 years left so don't need to panic just yet..

He's gone to his family tonight. It's all such a mess. I know if he said he'd changed his mind I'd welcome him back. How pathetic is that?

Good that you can survive.

Feel so sorry for you, wanting him back. Its not pathetic.

You can stand alone plus caring for your children. Could he? Doubt it.

It's just whiplash for you right now, three. You need to really start investing in and protecting your own life. Get in touch with friends, with family, even acquaintances can turn into friends at times like these. Soon, hopefully, some sort of anger will kick in. Until then, please please be kind to yourself and start thinking of all those things you could do with your life that you've let fall my the wayside, hobbies, passions, interests he discouraged or wasn't good at. Now's the time to focus on you.

The sad thing is, love, even if he DID come back, he'd play you off against the OW for months, maybe years, in an effort to 'do what's right' yet having a lover he 'can't let go of' in the wings. This is a terrible awful time, but it's a ripping off of the plaster, rather than a long drawn out gradual pain.

OP, I feel for you but, here's the thing; you need time to heal and to get over this.

Tell him that you will be in touch with him about his children in your own time. I had to do this with my DC father and it took almost a couple of months before contact was resumed. I explained to DC that they will see their father but that the 'dust needed to settle', I also explained to him and his parents that they would see dc all in good to time but that I needed space. I then blocked all of their numbers & spent the next couple of months healing, working through my emotions etc and setting boundaries.

It was the best thing I could have done in such a crap situation. And when he knocked on the door to pick up DC, I felt so much stronger & saw him in a completely different light and was able to be civil to him.

Please give yourself time away from his demands about the children etc. Your children are young (mine too) but a few weeks to give yourself breathing space and clarity before you resuming contact is not a bad thing.

You will get through this, op.

Oabiti, your advice about the children is selfish and vindictive.

It is understandable that you felt terrible when he first left but there is absolutely no excuse to use your kids as a weapon in this way (which is EXACTLY what you did, if even for the short term).

If you could not face him then you could have got a family or a friend to have helped with the handover. Your attitude was selfish as you were not considering your children's feelings when you set out to 'punish' your ex.

OP, I strongly advise you to ignore this awful advice for the sake of your children. Obtain legal advise if you wish (in fact you should) - there is absolutely no way they will condone this course of action.

Hi op. I also went through this almost identical scenario and despite being a really strong and extremely bolshy woman in real life, I was like you and was distraught and begged and would have taken the cheating scumbag back in a heartbeat.
HOWEVER. That didn't last long and taking control was my saving grace.
Thst and limiting any contact I had with him to a minimum.
He wants out so YOU set the rules,

My life went on to be amazing once Id grieved for my marriage and old life.
Id not change a thing apart from the hurt it caused our kids but they are fine and I have a brilliant close relationship with them.
Good luck with your new and exciting life, I hope it's amazibg.

reality unfortunately none of us know how we would react in the circumstsnces. It certainly shocked me even as a cancer survivor Id never experienced such painful emotions.
Also the father is the one who has chosen to leave his children so intimately the vitriol should be aimed at him not the wife who is literally left to deal with it all whilst going through extreme emotional trauma.
obviousky in an ideal world it would all run smoothly but in an ideal world people wouldn't be so fickle.
I totally agree with getting soneone else to do handovers, that was one of the things that helped me tremendously.
Ultimately the way you handle this will affect the dc long term and we all know who will mostly be dealing with that don't we?

Hi OP I'm in a similar situation. Although there are no children, I really recognise that being in a shocked, raw place. Feel free to PM.

reality cheque, I certainly did not use my DC as a weapon. But as I mentioned earlier, I needed that time to heal. I explained that to him and even to his parents...when I felt strong enough and had got over the hurt and turmoil that the situation caused his DC, as well as me, then I was able to move on.

Fast forward to now and even he agrees that although he may not have liked the way I went about things, he understands.

At the end of the day (oooh, I hate that phrase), I had to get my feet back on the ground and my inner-strength back. My DC did not need to see a crying & distraught mum any longer than was necessary and if it meant that me and my DC got the f#ck outta dodge for a few weeks, then so be it. It worked out in the end.

And I stand by what I previously posted.

ledkr, it was extreme emotional trauma, I can honestly say I, like you, had never experienced anything like it. I had to move myself away from the negativity in order to heal. It sounds so clichéd but it's true.

Yep I got pretty much cut off from my ExH family.
I was part of their lives for 15 years as well.
They made a tiny effort to start with but they are 250 miles away and they just didn't bother.
I probably see them twice a year when we meet half way to hand over my DD for a week here and there.
It's horrible. I felt totally betrayed by them. I hadn't done anything wrong but no-one seemed to care from that side.
My family and friends were brilliant though. I have no idea how I would have got through it without them.

I will say that eating isn't easy. I got by the first weeks on ice lollies and soup. Anything solid just came back up again.
Try to keep yourself hydrated at least and think about eating little and often.

Don't rush anything. Take your time and work through this at your own pace. My Ex wanted to be 'friends'. Yeah, some hope. Arseholes have no idea of the hurt and deceit they have caused.
You will need live minute by minute for now, then it will be hour by hour then it will progress slowly but surely so you can plan.

Thinking of you today.

hells bells