Advice needed- husband about to leave

[ThreePipeProblem]

A month or so ago my dh said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave. It came as a huge shock as I thought we were just going through a blip. We've been together for 15 yes, married for 10 and have two dcs.

Prior to his announcement dh was going out all the time and was having what I felt was an emotional affair, although he denied it. He had become v secretive with his phone etc.

We're now at the stage where he is looking for somewhere else to live. I'm just devastated. I just don't recognise him as being my dh. He is so cold and emotionless.

I don't recognise myself in this - hence the mn name change. I've been so pathetic. I've sobbed and begged for him to try again. I feel so rejected and worthless. I'm dreading having to tell the dcs. They're 6 and 4.

He wants to say he is working away and delay telling them. I think that's ridiculous as it just delays the inevitable especially as he wants to take them overnight one night each weekend and have contact in the week at home.

Sorry this so so long. I just want some clarity on what to do. Hardly anyone in rl knows as I want the children to know first.

He's just emailed to say he has found a flat. He wants to see them in the week here and at weekends in his flat.

Yes, I don't think I should give him the satisfaction of being interested enough to read his messages.

As butterfly says...and she knows, she's held my hand since it started for me and has been through this herself.

Cold as ice. That is the stance you have to take now. OW will show herself in the fullness of time, don't worry.

You're not a launderette. You're not a contact centre. He's chosen to leave, he doesn't get to come round and use the facilities and play happy families. He gets his own place, which is suitable for overnights for the kids. He gets his own bloody washing machine. You tell the kids, together, in an age appropriate way. You tell your RL friends, the school etc. free half hour with a good divorce lawyer. Get your paperwork together and divorce his arse for adultery.

The talk of him having no money is worrying. Get your financial ducks in a row first (get all your paperwork together eye and see that solicitor) so you have a head start. Then he's out on his arse.

And listen to mrs. C. She knows of what she speaks.

Tell him to fuck off with the dictating contact shit! Seriously! What is it with them? You decide what contact is suitable after you have spoken to the children. It is way too soon to be discussing weekends, any mediator or solicitor will tell him that. Tell him to seek legal advice asap, as you are. Tosser.

You can perfectly well explain to the DC that their father is not going to live with you any more without painting him the bad guy (parents do split up often enough and it isn't always someone's fault); and in any case the thing that will matter to children of that age is not why daddy is never there so much as the fact that he isn't. This covering up thing is not about protecting their feelings, it's about persuading you to let him carry on looking as if he is living there and thereby obtaining the benefits thereof (use the washing machine, wtf? I do not think so, matey).

I can't be strong though. His email mentioned having a lovely bedroom for the dcs and I'm sobbing in my office again. It's a good job my colleague isn't here.

If he will have no money, that's his choice, it's not yours, so tough shit there too

I think this working away lie is a total mistake. It could make your children feel insecure and cause all sorts of problems. You should ask for a formal separation because he's the one who has chosen to leave. And get legal advice.

I was in your position in 2009 there was an EA going on. I begged him to stay and he did. Things are terrible. I wish I'det him go and now he won't. Neither of us has anywhere to go.
Let him go, you will move on with your life, a few months from now your life will be so different, but for the better.

Didn't see your last post. He is being unnecessarily cruel about the lovely bedroom IMHO. How insensitive of him.

Wow.

"Make him leave now" "Must be an ow"

These rabid responses always make me laugh.

Despite what you would like to think, its HIS house too. You can't 'make him' leave. FACT. And there is no evidence of an ow either (not that it would make ANY difference).

That said I DO agree about telling the kids and also that contact should be at his new place (once he leaves ofc).

My advise to him would be to NOT leave the house until a financial settlement (AND sensible access to kids) has been legally reached / divorce finalised.

You can and will be strong. It is easier to cut him off now, rather than cling on with the vain hope he will change, and be strong later. Honestly, start as you mean to go on. Fake it until you make it or sommat.

You can do it, you really can. You are in charge here, not him. He is a bully and an unfaithful coward. You are a strong woman and a mother. Step up and be that woman.

Start off with either not replying to his email, or replying that any contact will take place away from your house. And then get on that phone and find yourself a solicitor. But do not tell him that you are doing. Your best power you have here is your silence. Use it.

@Vivienne.

The 'lovely bedroom' is NOT being cruel. It is practical and asign that he is thinking of his kids, ffs.

We know the legal position re the house. What is being said here is that the op must take back the control. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking him to leave right now, he has decided he wants out in any event. Why is it ok for him to dictate terms and not the op?

No one is giving rabid responses, how ridiculous.

You will sob, and sob and sob and sob.
You do that as much as you need to.
But you can still be strong on the outside when others are around.

Take the advice here and get yourself a shit hot lawyer (SHL) and do it fast.
He cannot have contact at the house unless that's what YOU want.
My OH still see's his kids at the family house in the week.
It's easier for the kids but that has taken a long time to be put in place and work!
Take your time for now.

The kids will need to be in their home with you in the short term.
He can take them out and be Disney dad for now but no overnights. It will be way too overwhelming for them right now.
Kick him out immediately.

Help him pack his stuff and get him gone.

Also have a chat with CAB and see what you would be entitled to in benefits and maintenance now you are a single parent.

It's horrible, it's hard, it's depressing, it's soul destroying so you WILL need your family friends to rally around.
My biggest regret by far, was keeping his sordid secret.

The relief I felt and the help and support I got when I finally told people is something I needed way earlier on. Get the support you need right now.
Ignore anything he says about that. You can be sure he has his OW to support him right now. You need support more than him so don't deny yourself that.

If he doesn't want to tell them then you tell them.
You tell him that if he doesn't want to do it now with you present then you will tell them yourself. He will want to be there to ensure you don't paint him as the bad guy.

I do feel for you but many of us have been right where you are. It takes a long time but things do get better. Not any time soon I'm afraid but it will.
Keep on keeping on and fake it till you make it!

It's true, there's no advantage to knowing about the OW unless it's psychologically useful for you to detach from him and see how he's trying to 'manage' the truth.

I really don't think a 'lovely bedroom' makes him father of the year. He wasn't thinking of his children when he was chasing his OW was he?

It doesn't really matter if he was having a full blown affair, he was putting his own needs before our relationship so the damage was done.

How do I adapt to waving the children off happily though? I'll be lovely and neutral when we tell the children. They don't need to know anything beyond how we'll always love them etc. Is there any online advice on how to build up contact rather than go straight to overnights? Or is it best to start as you mean to go on?

I could never imagine this happening to us. I trusted him to always be there for me. I feel like our whole relationship is tainted by the fact that he's now leaving.

Seems a bit crazy that it's now being taken as fact that there's an OW.

Because IF there isn't, then it's a bloke who's realised that the relationship has run its course.

Other than making a few selfish requests (like using the washing machine), I don't see why he's being cast as such a villain?

Can anyone explain?

It's best to build up contact.
Their world is already turned upside down by their 'dad' leaving them.
The last thing they need right now is to be taken from their familiar and safe home and made to stay in a strange place.
That needs to be built up to.
You can choose the pace at which this is done being led by your DC.

Yes we can explain.
Every single thing in the OP is 'the script' of a man having an affair.

I don't love you any more
I want to leave
Happening after 15 years
Suddenly going out all the time
Cold and emotionless
Very secretive with his phone

Blimey - it's all there!!!

onereminder I'm assuming you've not been through this before?
Purely because loads of us have and it's obvious, we've been through it, lived through it and it's ALWAYS the same!!! Predictable, predictable, predictable

one: Prior to his announcement dh was going out all the time and was having what I felt was an emotional affair, although he denied it. He had become v secretive with his phone etc.

the OP has also made reference to them communicating through FB messages, she clearly believes it's highly likely and most posters seem to agree.

onreminder, i get where you're coming from. It seems incredibly judgemental and arrogant if you're not familiar with these boards.

It's really not.

Here's the thing, when people leave relationships there are patterns of behaviour. When a relationship breaks down without outside involvement (and of course that can take any form, from a crush to a long term affair) the behaviour very rarely reads like this. Couples know and discuss the fact the relationship is struggling, for a long long time normally beforehand. Or there are factors of commitment issues previously, or other personality traits or circumstance that make sense of things. Very rarely when one partner describes it as a 'shock' like this do they have all the facts. Hence the shock.

The vast majority of infidelity is never discovered. When an affair is discovered or suspected, it is normally the section of the iceberg that can be seen above the surface. Of course, there are people who are paranoid or jealous, but they normally know that about themselves from other relationships, and would mention it here.

In my experience behaviour is a far better indicator of a truth than what people say. So his words are irrelevant to me, except in what the action of them is.

With the pattern of behaviour described here and the OP's own instincts about the situation, I would surmise there is an extremely high chance there is an affair of some description going on. I think it's damaging to spend time kowtowing to all the multiple, unlikely possibilities so as to preserve some sense of 'innocent until proven guilty' whilst someone's time, life and mental health is being obliterated because someone infidelitous is doing what infidelitous people do.

"I think it's damaging to spend time kowtowing to all the multiple, unlikely possibilities so as to preserve some sense of 'innocent until proven guilty' whilst someone's time, life and mental health is being obliterated because someone infidelitous is doing what infidelitous people do."

I sincerely hope and pray that you are never appointed to Jury Service.

What a narrow-minded and dangerous attitude.

Thank you all who responded to onereminder. It's not the breakdown of the relationship, it is the speed and the circumstances.

I'm dreading going home to it all. I'll be happier once it is all in the open.