Anyone recover from something they never thought they could?

[SusansLove]

Thanks to anyone who listens or answers, and before starting you should know that I have been to endless counselling, read books, talked it over a billion times, repeated positive mantras but I just can't seem to heal myself and wanted to know if anyone has ever recovered from something they could not imagine ever recovering from?

I know there is a lot of "affairs" and crappy men on here, but I think what mine did to me and put me through was at the top end of the scale - made a lot worse to my psyche because until it happenned I honestly thought we had the best relationship ever, the most loving partnership and I trusted him probably more than I can actually comprehend or explain.

What he did to me was sudden, prolonged, intentional and designed to cause me maximum possible suferring. He had no mercy and seemed to enjoy it. I knew him for years. As close as people can be.

I was just here tonight looking for a little hope. A hope that after someone you love and trust and have known for years like family does stuff to you that you can't understand or come to terms with - do you ever get better?

I feel like I pretend to, but it never goes away.

In my work I often listen to people tell their stories of various painful experiences. And without exception, what all of them fear the most is not stigma or shame or embarassment but not being believed. When I tell them I've heard a lot of stories over the years, I know what kind of terrible things happen to people, the relief is palpable.

When you open up to someone and the person doesn't believe you, it isn't just the implication that you are a liar that hurts you. The denial of your lived experience is a denial of you, in a way. When you have suffered a trauma and are still at the stage of defining yourself by it, then people refuse to believe it happened, what of you is left? It's as if you disappear. It also tells you that your pain does not matter to them, or at least not as much as being able to keep exposure of horrible things at bay. You are betrayed all over again.

That is why I always hold it against the people who do it. When I have spoken about my experience of racism in the past and people have referused to accept that it happened, all possibility of friendship and cordiality with that person is over, because all possibility of truthfulness between me and that person is over.

The new Susan sounds pretty good actually, someone I would like if I met

You ok Scottish?

I'm lurking and finding many comments on this thread really helpful for me too.

I have been/am adamant that the definition of being cured of my traumas is to revert back to the 'me' before the crap started. However, as that was 18 years ago, that is completely unrealistic.

I feel trapped and unreal, like when I ever talk about my assaults I am describing a third party or a film I've watched.

I wish I could add something encouraging but I feel so pessimistic myself.

Thats interesting what posters are saying about how they are different now.

Those of you that don't cry any more. Maybe you are further along than me. I have never been a sensitive person but I cry very easily now. I get overwhelmed by a thought, a song, a simple comment and my eyes Just fill up.

I am also hyper-sensitive about being criticised in any way, even as a joke. If someone is argumentative, instead of holding my own which I would have done in the past, I feel ill. It's like I literally can't stomach a disagreement of any kind.

Sadly, I am also really cynical about men, love and relationships. I can't read that happy ever after thread as I am thinking, that can't be true. Hopefully I will feel differently one day.

On the plus side, the only thing I can think of is that I am a bit more open. I have always been very private; now everyone knows my story because I can't hold it in any more. And I am a bit braver, verging on reckless sometimes, but I have always been sensible and reserved, so it doesn't hurt to take some risks occasionally.

This thread has really helped me process some of this stuff.

I also find happy ever after stories surreal BUT I will also say that I don't think I have the same associations about happiness that I used to.

Happiness used to be being with him and the kids, family life, cuddles and kisses and being loved.

Now I think it's a feeling that's all about me - not dependent on anyone else -not dependent on things or circumstances or being happily married.

Just a bit overwhelmed, but thanks.

Do you want to talk scottish?

scottish I remember upthread you mentioned that it's not really ever possible to truly recover from something as it's just putting it off until it inevitably jumps out at you when you least expect it. Do you mean intrusive thoughts/emotions? Or that because of circumstances you have to face it/them very often?
Please do elaborate.

I'd say that in the main, it's not really about recovery to the extent that life becomes sunshine and roses. For most, or at least myself, it is more about learning to move on and be content in my own skin - happiness is another matter.

A great deal of my self-worth and self-esteem was tied up in others, so when they abandoned me very suddenly I took it very personally. My confidence was on the floor.

I see the trauma a bit like a scar. It can and will eventually heal but there will always be a mark. The trick is to 1) not pick the scar apart 2)give it time to heal. I'd like to think that eventually you'll look at the scar and it'll be met with a certain indifference... nothing more or nothing less that what it is - a piece of your past. We are continuously shaped by our experiences, be they good or bad. That's what life is about.

I don't know if its a case of further along truth it might just be a different response to our traumas. Some people switch emotions down, some switch up as response.

I think the crying thing for me is that I don't get that utter, inconsolable upset about stuff that other people seem to. I'm being made redundant on the 31st August, I can't say I felt upset or worried at all. I just sorted out going back to university full time, whereas some of my colleagues are devastated. They all commented that I've taken it so well but the truth is I just don't care enough. Worst things have happened. I also think when you've been the most vulnerable and hit rock bottom you can see that you'll survive stuff that others see as a big deal.

I don't know, I just wish I could have a hug whilst I cry it out.

Box my therapist is working in the indifference and disassociative stuff with me quite hard. She reckons there CAN be joy after trauma. I laugh at her and say it seems too unrealistic to get there for me but she seems pretty resolute that I'll get there one day.

I function day to day pretty well, I'm keeping going but I am cynical that after intense trauma you can get past surviving mode. I feel so changed, so broken as a person that to function is a massive achievement. To feel joy and happiness? That seems a pipe dream but then I look at my dc's and think I hope I do get there for them
Who wants a dead behind the eyes mother?

Cry it out scottish And I'll send you a virtual hug and some virtual

It's always better out than in. I'm a little further along but I can recall the days of waking up crying and going to sleep crying. Feeling physical pain while I cried as if I was about to break into small pieces. I needed to go through that phase and gradually the tears ceased. Those tears actually became anger, resentment and self-reproach. So by no means a straight forward road.

As weed says we all process our traumas differently and indeed to different timescales. Take as much time as you need. But one thing that became evident to me a couple of years ago is that I needed to draw the line somewhere, like I said upthread, as painful as those days were, they were easier than 'living' so I had to choose my life, or at least my sanity.

Scottish you're in company who know a little bit of what you feel. Just type it out, no matter how hard. We're listening to whatever you have to say. Something my counsellor told me that really helped is that crying doesn't work unless it's noisy. Try and really wail and howl...it sounds mental but it helps.

SusansLove, it's great to see you listing some positives about your life today.

You don't have to forgive him.

You do need to let go.

That doesn't mean forgetting, and it doesn't mean reverting back to who you were before it happened. That's not possible, you're a different Susan now. You're a Susan who's hurting, sure... but you're also a Susan who worries less, is more adventurous, wiser, braver selects her friends better... this person is awesome!

You need to truly accept what happened to you, find and harness your inner strength (it's definitely in there, or you wouldn't be here today!) and find peace within yourself. You can do it, I'm sure of it. I think you're already making progress :)

Hugs xxx

I shouldn't even be on this thread, because my trauma is nothing like the OP's.
But that post from Ratbag spoke to me and cut me to the very core, so much so that I have been sobbing for much of tonight.

I hope that even as an imposter, you will allow me to stay because this thread is fascinating and helpful.

Op it is very hard isn't it, when it is just beyond your comprehension that someone can do what they did/ treat you the way they did.

I'm still not sure quite how to deal with that bit.

Hi Chaise. Please don't feel liek there are scales of shit because there's always someone who had worse and some better and the point is really coping with betrayal, loss, shock, trauma in whatever form. I think if I am totally and utterly honest...taking away the actual losses...stepkids...home...friends...in laws...partner - absolutely none of that genuinely compares to the remorseless betrayal and these boards are filled with women who's partners and husbands let them down and seemingly feel nothing in the process. That on it's own is enough to batter you down and make you lose sight of yourself. Yes...it is very hard to understand how or why someone does what they do. I think so many amazing women on this thread have it spot on about learning to let go of that question.

I suppose it's baffling in the same way it's baffling that some people wants to get 5000 facial piercings or some men walk away from their kids or some people men like dressing in nappies and being spanked. You're not going to understand something that's outside of your own ability or comprehension.

there's a comfort in that in a way. That someone's behavior is so shit, so awful that it's actually imcomrehensable that they could /would do it because the normal ones among us would not be able to live with the guilt. It says a lot.

I cried a bucket yesterday and woke up feeling stronger than I can remmeber and so much more sorted in my mind.

I felt when I started this thread just overwhelmed. Like my head was full of spinning throughts I could not file away. Like it was screamign at me because the truth was I didn;t even know what I was supposed to do to feel better.

I understand a little more now...this thred has given me already...

A it of knowledge I am not alone
A sense of relief that I am not required to go back to the old me to heal.
A sense that the new me might be actually quite cool
A reminder that when I speak these words SOMEONE will believe me
A reminder that he was an arsehole (as weirdly I often downplay it myself!)
A reminder that I am a survivor....not cursed.
An insight into what the process might be to healing through rebuilding rather than trying to restore what is now dead.
A sense of life rather than death, of beginning rather than end

Maybe all that sounds a bit much to get from a thread, but I am feeling stronger and more positive and ready to attack this.
A

Wow! That's so cool Susan [heart]

This thread has had a deep effect on me - in a good way. Being heard, being able to talk about it, knowing others know what it's like so no need to explain (so painful explaining to ppl who have no hope of getting it). I am such a fan of peer support! Thank you for starting it Susan

Chaise, I have a friend who went to prison bcs of the (erroneous!) allegations made against her after the initial excruciating betrayal. Although I have felt intimidated by her experiences up to mine I have gradually 'reclaimed' the validity of my trauma - which, although not as bad as hers, is nonetheless trauma: shocking, horrifying, mindbending trauma - worse than some, not as bad as others. If you recognise what ppl are talking about here - most ppl don't, remember! - then you're in the club. If that helps at all xx

I met that friend today. There's nothing like the connection between us and others like us, in the same boat. It's priceless.

As is this thread!

When I reached a point where it was time for whoever me now is - when unsure, wobbly about something - I ask 'who do I want to be?'

It has taken 3+ years to get to this point. I can now 'feel' happiness and emotions.

My counsellor unofficially diagnosed ptsd. I can still be triggered but now I acknowledge the process and have found ways to feel safe that work for me.

Make yourself the focus. Care and nourish your self; you need love and acceptance.

You are all incredibly brave and I wish you peace and content.

You are beautiful and never forget that. You are worthy.

Xxx

OP I wish you all the best ... Reading this thread with interest and admiration for all you strong women ..

Yes OP. For me the hardest part wasn't trusting anyone else. It was trusting me again.

I honestly don't believe in degrees of trauma. If you feel traumatised you feel it. If you are caught up in a bombing or your pet dies or you are abused or you are assaulted and it traumatises you it is no less or more valid depending on the experience. Trauma is trauma and it doesn't matter how it got dumped on you, nobody welcomes it or wants it, your feelings are valid and important.

I'd hate for someone to belittle my experience but I'd also hate for someone to pity me - I just want a bit of understanding or at least awareness and no judgement. This is why this thread is so valuable, I haven't seen a smidgeon of judgement. Just support. And discussion about recovery, which shows recovery from trauma is possible and can happen. In my darkest days that's all I need to know. That this too shall pass.