Anyone recover from something they never thought they could?

[SusansLove]

Thanks to anyone who listens or answers, and before starting you should know that I have been to endless counselling, read books, talked it over a billion times, repeated positive mantras but I just can't seem to heal myself and wanted to know if anyone has ever recovered from something they could not imagine ever recovering from?

I know there is a lot of "affairs" and crappy men on here, but I think what mine did to me and put me through was at the top end of the scale - made a lot worse to my psyche because until it happenned I honestly thought we had the best relationship ever, the most loving partnership and I trusted him probably more than I can actually comprehend or explain.

What he did to me was sudden, prolonged, intentional and designed to cause me maximum possible suferring. He had no mercy and seemed to enjoy it. I knew him for years. As close as people can be.

I was just here tonight looking for a little hope. A hope that after someone you love and trust and have known for years like family does stuff to you that you can't understand or come to terms with - do you ever get better?

I feel like I pretend to, but it never goes away.

For me, recovery was rather like waking up-Keanu in The Matrix, if you like. Not painless, but certainly freeing. I have insight and knowledge that I never had before, and if that is sometimes hard, I'd rather have painful wisdom than comfortable ignorance.

It's not you that needs fixed it's him.

He sounds insane. What happened in his childhood to make him so cruel.

I totally agree inthebox. You will never be the same, you will be altered. But ultimately that's life, and these events are our battle scars.

They heal over time but always leave a mark. One thing is for certain though. You will get through it, it will hurt and take time, but you'll get there. And once you've got through you'll know you are an amazing, strong, resilient woman.

Good heavens, it's sounds horrific.

I do wonder though whether you are viewing the "before" through rose tinted specs?

It would be all but impossible to keep up a pretence for years without EVER slipping up.

Thing is, you look around now at your husband or your Mum or your best friend and you ask yourself who would ever do that to anyone? you don't think anyone could ever do that -much less the person closest to you who you think is a really good person and loves you.

to be honest, out of all the people I have ever known, he would be the one I thought least capable of cruelty. He was soft and sensitive and nice to everyone all the time. I don't think I imagined that, and everyone else saw him the same way I did.

I think, and honestly, no offence at all here that what you said about it being impossible to create a pretence for years is the thing that makes you feel most stupid. Everyone thinks that. Your Mum thinks it, your counsellor, your friends. they all wonder what really happenned, what you aren't saying, and then you wonder it yourself. It makes you feel mad or stupid and everything feels insecure and unstable and impossible to believe because of exactly that.

I don't think he kept up a pretence for years. I think a switch just flipped in his head and he did something totally impuslive and for the very reason that he was so "soft" and so "nice" he was obsessed with getting way with it wihtout being thought badly of. He couldn't acknowledge or admit or come clean or hold his hands up as say "yes I am a total cowardly bastard" so he created some sort of surreal situation where I think he even believed himself that I deserved it and made me believe it too.

He justified it comepletely in his head as not that big a deal. He said things like "people break up all the time". He didn't acknowledge that people rarely came home from hospital to find themselves homeless with their stepkids and partner gone. It was like conversations with lunacy. And how dare I go on about it? He acted like I was an annoyance.

to love yourself when the person who was most meant to love you, failed to do so.

This is true. But the person who is meant to love you most, is you. You have to spend some of your love on yourself.

I think you have hit it on the head. It was cowardice and a refusal to accept what he was doing because it didn't fit his myth of himself. But really it doesn't matter.

I think it is because the change was so sudden and so complete that you canmot remember him. The new him was unrecognisable and you cannot see the old him without thinking it was an illusion.

If you get struck by lightning it will still hurt whether or not you understand why lightning occurs.

I used to hear the voice on my head too. Controlling ex. But it fades. I tell him to shut up if he bothers me. I do not have to listen. And he was wrong anyway.

If eing busy helps, be busy. Let time pass.

Sounds bonkers but for quiet times have you tried colouring in. It is very theraputic. Lots of great intricate books out there now.

I think I'm recovering. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to not believe him.

My stbxh said I had deserved my cousin raping me when I was 11 because I have something inside me that makes people hurt me. He then broke my ribs by kicking me so hard when our baby daughter was in the room. 2 years later, after more assaults, he raped me and gave me injuries, such was the level of violence. The following day, whilst he was sleeping off his hangover, I took our children out to the fair and for cake. I was bleeding and in pain but not upset. I truly thought he was right, how could two people, my husband and my family member rape me and that not be my fault? It had to be me. I was evil. I caused it.

Now I'm starting to force myself to believe that it can't all have been my fault. That's after the police, my psychologist, rape crisis, women's aid, my best friends and my mum have repeatedly told me. Will I ever recover fully? Will I ever get rid of the nagging 5% doubt maybe it is in me? I don't know. But I can't let it destroy me because then I'll be acknowledging I believe him. I don't want to give him that power. Going round and destroying others is not a normal human behaviour. I have to believe that.

Amazing posts from vernazza

Sorry to say, but no, I think there are things you can never recover from. It might seem like you have but they always come back at you when you least expect it.

Yes, I was betrayed, lied to and cheated on by my partner. I had known him since I was 11, he was my teacher. I loved him like he was my family. I trusted him. He became an alcoholic. He raped and beat me and left me after more than six years together and knowing him for about fifteen. I am alright now, but it was a good three or four years before I was anything approaching normal. It's ten years on now and I'm happily married with children, which I never thought I would be.

I'd add one last thought. The reason (one of them) it's so hard to come to terms with is the way it unsteadies you and makes you feel you can't trust again. But there is one person you can trust - you. Start with that. You are On your side, and if you work to put yourself first and address your own needs, you will gradually start to feel better, stronger and more stable. You come across as an intelligent, self aware person who really wants to move on and be happy again. Trust yourself to get there. You will do it.

ashbeee good advice.

weedinthepool it wasn't your fault. Sorry for what they did to you.

True acceptance is what worked for me. I accepted that he wasn't the person I thought he was - I got it wrong and he was a Damn good actor, that what happened did actually happen and that whilst I am in no way perfect I didn't deserve what he did. I accepted that if I, living with him, could be taken in by him then it was hardly surprising that others believed him when he told them things about me. I accepted that there was something seriously fucked up in him and that understanding what it was wouldn't help me.

I accepted that he would never admit that what he did was wrong - I accepted that he probably did think I deserved it and that he hated me.

I accepted that what he did destroyed the person I was and that she was never coming back.

By accepting it I stopped fighting it.

It took me a long time to trust again I am much harder and much less tolerant to bullshit, but I'm also much more honest to myself and others. I learnt to accept that shit happens and we work through it. It's peoples reactions to shit that matter not the substance of it.

Don't know whether that makes any sense at all to anyone other than me.

Weed....I am so sorry. It as not you, it could never be you.

So 'glad' this thread is still here! Not glad others have been chopped down with a scythe by people they loved completely - but there is great solace that others have experienced the same.

Because one of the many effects of the betrayal is isolation. The vast majority don't believe ppl behave like this - are too threatened by it to believe it could happen on an ordinary street on an ordinary day in the civilised west - and even if they do believe it (and most don't) they don't know what to say...

I had a serious health crisis and ppl were wonderful, very loving and kind - I could have done with all that kindness when I was in my dungeon of agony! The health crisis, although very serious, was about 1/10th as frightening, shocking and painful as The Betrayal. Which is saying something.

I do agree that the old me is gone - I think severe trauma does that. 'Normal' is gone for good! But I'm liking very much who I am becoming - in truth, she is what I have always wanted but had no idea how to get there. There's something to be said for being broken into pieces, literally smashed: you get to watch yourself being rebuilt from scratch. Though you would never, in a million bazillion years, volunteer for the process, the rewards are something else: outstanding. But I fear it sounds like I'm trotting out smug cliches here.

I am a creative and have longed to function creatively in a way I simply couldn't access before. Getting smashed to pieces has released me, in a crucial way, from the ties that bind: a LOT drops off. That's the best way I can describe it. We're all creative and long to function creatively imo. We can intellectualise freedom, know what it looks like, long for it...and not know how to achieve it. I do think my experiences have smashed freedom into my life. Perhaps bcs I have experienced it, not thought it? Redemption in a way.

That said, Ratbag, comfortable ignorance sounds quite attractive to me lol. I have not been a willing participant. I would rather be a cow in a field if I'm being absolutely honest

I know, but more than ever I just want things to be real, to be authentic, to be true. Even when the truth is painful.

Yes! Absolutely. With you there completely Ratbag

But wall to wall truth can be relentlessly searing. I want some chew the cud days, some vacant days.

Since all this shit happened, I have got very good - once the comatose days years passed - at enjoying myself. I have a great time! Doing lovely things I enjoy. I tell you, I have such a good time. CBA with guilt - waste of time anyway.

God this is an amazing thread!! Some of the things you guys have come out with have caused me to just have a little surge of "wow! I love that!!" reaction. So much wisdom here. Would say more but am in the car typing on tiny keyboard! Hugs to all you beautiful people.

Could not agree more with what you said Springy about it smashing freedom into you. I have never felt more free, and that emotion is one that is very intense at times. I disconnected with so many people and things, and yet connected in ways I never could have before.

It takes from you, and it also gives to you.

I feel like so many people have made such amazing comments that have resonated so much. Bowled over by this thread and by how strong it has made me feel.

Just to elaborate on that happy thought....since this happenned to me:

1. I never worry....ever...I used to be a worrier.

1. I am much more selective about friends and don't care so much if people like me anymore.

1. I am much more adventurous/ brave

1. A long running phobia of flying disappeared overnight.

1. I feel wiser. So much more wise.

1. I feel more free.

1. I CBF with silly thoughts or meaningless times wasted.

A lot of positives in the new Susan

Ashbee

This: I'd add one last thought. The reason (one of them) it's so hard to come to terms with is the way it unsteadies you and makes you feel you can't trust again. But there is one person you can trust - you. Start with that. You are On your side, and if you work to put yourself first and address your own needs, you will gradually start to feel better, stronger and more stable.

Was amazing. Amazing. thank you.

Springy

This: Because one of the many effects of the betrayal is isolation. The vast majority don't believe ppl behave like this - are too threatened by it to believe it could happen on an ordinary street on an ordinary day in the civilised west - and even if they do believe it (and most don't) they don't know what to say...

Is so true. I do look back now and feel much less insulted over the friends I lost. Why would they believe my story? I didnt even believe it myself. No one wants to think this happens to normal people in loving relationships. They want to believe something must have been off!

you know, the next time I hear his voice at my shoulder telling me bad things about myself I shall tell him to fuck off, and that I no longer care what he thinks.

Just wanted to add my thanks to the messages on this thread.

I haven't been on this site for ages (I think I was destined to come on last night to see this thread!). However, I was treated appalling 2 1/2 years ago and I spent a long time on this site. I wrote a long thread at the time and I can't express how much the responses helped me at the time.

Reading these messages now 2 /12 years later I couldn't agree more with what people say. What the 'man' (and I use the term very loosely) did at the time was emotionally appalling and has had a huge impact on my life. I have had to come to terms with many things, including accepting that I will never now be a mum and if I'm being honest I do still find it difficult to imagine that I will ever find someone but I try to be positive on that side.

However what I would say is that I did come through the trauma. I have heard that he has since got married and had a child and whilst that annoys me from a 'how is that justice?!' point of view that is the only feeling I have about him. I have no 'romantic' feelings whatsoever for him (and I actually sympathise slightly with his new wife as I don't believe a person like him changes and I would put money on her suffering some trauma with him in the future).

But it has taken a long time to get here! What I do still struggle with (if I'm being 100% honest) is that, at 45, it is hard seeing all your friends married with children and I'm single with no chance of having children (long story), that is hard and I'm still working on being OK with that and hoping that there s something else out there for me.

so, after rambling about me me me (sorry!) in answer to your question, yes I did get through something I never thought I would but it just took quite a while. And I believe I am definitely a stronger person for it. If I did ever get into a relationship again I think I would be more cautious/a bit less trusting/there would be some ground rules but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing....I was too trusting before

Good luck, you sound lovely OP

xx

Absolutely, the amount of people who physically recoil when they hear what happens to me made me initially shut down.

Now I try to be honest (with people I think I can trust) because I think 'Yes, it is uncomfortable to hear about rape, child abuse and domestic abuse but it was a significantly more uncomfortable living the experience.'

Why should I hide away in grief and self loathing and fail to mention two huge significant events that have shaped the way I am? That's letting those two men destroy me.

Just to save others feelings? Nope, I am so busy trying to heal (and work, and study, and bring up 3dcs on my own ) that I can't gatekeep others feelings and tread on eggshells. I'm fighting the shame aspect and if friends don't like that they can do one. I too have got quite mercenary about people and they way they treat me. Do you find that it takes alot to really upset you now OP and springy? My thresholds for getting upset about stuff are really Hugh. It's got to be quite a biggie to make me cry!

Hugs to you Morley.

Dedinitely Weed. It's very hard to upset me. I don't sweat the small stuff the way I used to. In fact I have a quite difficult and scary thing to do today and haven't even thought about it. I just don't get phased. I rarely cry!

Unfortunately, i definitely have triggers. I can't bear it when people behave diferrently towards me for unexplained reasons or do things I can't understand. My reaction to that is disproportionate to the situation -but I suppose that is the beauty of trauma. Any similar behavior and you go a bit nutty.