My DH is awful with money & gets depressed when i mention it. (VL)

[CrystalHealer]

Ive been an emotional wreck for a few days now and its been building up so i thought i'd ask for your help and opinions.

My Dh has always been awful with money, when we met he was in a FT job as a cashier in a large well known supermarket. I already had my career and was earning well. So i always had more money than he did and therefor had the lifestyle of an adult and i liked it. I also had a DC from a previous relationship who i was able to spoil and support her financially without help from her father (who isn't obliged to pay for his daughter as he is on benefits and has never worked). I should also mention that my family are hard workers and have made money over the years and invested wisely which is where i get my steady head for money from. Dh's family are well off but haven't taught him about money.

Over the years DH has had difficulty with talking about money, helping me out financially and seems to get annoyed when i ask for money. For example when we first moved in together he had his money & i had mine, it wasn't shared. This was fine with me as he paid some bills and i paid others. However when we moved in together i lost a lot of money as i was no longer a single parent. Fine; i explained this to DH (then BF) didn't offer to help out at all, even though it had hindered me little bit. Ok it isn't his daughter so i let it go. (I should point out that by this stage DH had legal guardianship of my DD, so technically she is his)

A few years later we decided to get married and have another child, i paid for the Wedding on my own with again not one pound from DH, despite asking on several occasions. OK i know by this stage I've been soft with him but i kept hoping that he would change and with the baby coming along he would see that it was time to support his family. When the baby arrived, no money, not one thing did he buy for the baby. My DM helped me out and was always asking why i was living so poorly compared to before. By this stage had had changed my job as we had moved away and i was in a good job but on a very low wage. Things got so bad that a year later we had to move again as i was made redundant from my job and we could no longer afford the rent.

We moved into house which belonged to my Grandmother and knowing our financial state she offered a very low rate of rent which was affordable. We decided that with the low rent we could afford for me to be SAHM (childcare costs are to high anyway)and DH started for the first time to give me some money each month. So we have been here 18 months now, great, things are tight but we are coping and overall we are very happy as a family.

I came home last week to find that DH had bought himself several luxury items on a credit card, a new coffee machine, an apple watch, an other computer and a few bits for a particular hobby he has. I was livid, i can barely afford to buy new shoes for the kids and i never spend money on myself anymore i am literally broke! He has 4 credit cards and thousands of pounds worth of debt. The whole point in the move was to be sensible, get on our feet, try and be debt free and start to save money. This isn't a one off either.

Now heres the worst bit, i am so ashamed and embarrassed about this and I've no idea how to fix this mess. DH hasn't been paying my DG the rent money for TEN months!!! I only found out when we got in an argument and he told me he hadn't paid the rent because "we were living like beggars and thats not living at all". I visited my DG who i am very close to and she said that she didn't tell me about it because she could see that we where struggling and that she didn't want to embarrass me. She has also said not to worry about there went until we get on our feet and start saving some money, i can't do this, i need to pay her back and start paying her the rent. Plus i feel like she wonders why i married a man who would do this.

I feel like kicking him out. He says he's depressed now, this is always the case wehe has to face the music about his spending habits. What the hell do i do now? I am currently looking for a job as i feel I've no alternative. I am so ashamed writing this, what has my life become, its bloody miserable.

I should mention that this is his biggest fault otherwise he is a great dad to both the kids and a loving DH who gets along well with everyone and has never missed a days work in all the years we have been together.

Hmmm I though gambling too. Money he is keeping back to spend.

Not only is he bad with money but I would be concerned about his secretiveness.

A friend of mine lost her home through her husband's behaviour, sounding very much like yours.

Agree. Get credit checks done.

No company gives out cash bonuses.

Does he have access to the takings at work? Sorry to mention it regarding the £2000 pounds.

you have indeed married a waster.
i nearly married one too but in the end i left him.

he was exactly like your waster.
went through money like water and took pride in being skint.
he'd get paid and then it was a race to see how fast he could blow his money.
he knew i would clear up his mess after him and he always had me as a safety net.
after i left him, my mother said: i'm glad you left him. if you stayed with him you'd never have anything.
remember that OP - he will put you in the poorhouse. and he won't even care.

he doesn't love you. he's lying to you and using you.
if you don't kick him out on his hole, then enjoy your life being poor with him.

Deste I hadn't even thought of that :(

I was thinking about this, and he could have asked for an advance on a bonus and been paid it in cash, but it still wouldn't have been exactly £2000, so your best case scenario is that he hasn't given you all of it.

Reading this thread has made me so very sad for you OP, as well as bringing back memories of how difficult I made my life and my children's life by being with my ex.

It damn near ruin me.

I agree he is cocklodger and manchild.

Not only that but he has dragged you down to his level financially and then skipped off to get credit cards. You have gone from being in a strong position financially to a very weak one.

Thoughtless, irresponsible loser. I doubt he will change.

Ffs he doesn't even think he has to pay rent!!!

If he is curable I don't think you are the one to cure him op. I don't see how you can do anything else but dump him and quick. His Apple phone can keep him company until he finds someone else to sponge off. He will no doubt feelvery sorry for himself but this mess is entirely his own making.

You need to check whose name the debts are in.
Professionals will be unable to give you accurate advice without that info. They are also not permitted to discuss the debts of another adult who is not present, so if a debt management plan needs to be set up, and there are joint debts, both parties need to attend. Or if all the debts are in his name only, he's the one who has to go for advice (when he is ready to - similar principle to addicts deciding to quit, really).
Money advice, CAB etc works from a practical and legal standpoint, hardly any offer counselling around the psychological issues of spending patterns, which is largely the remit of a different set of professionals.

You are not liable for cards and accounts that are solely in his name, and those accounts should be treated as his property only.
Joint accounts and joint loans, you will both be liable.
Any secondary cards in his name on a credit card account on which you are the sole main cardholder unfortunately are legally your debt, although morally he should be paying them back. And you are entirely within your rights to cancel any secondary card like this if you haven't already done so.
Hopefully he won't have secretly set up accounts in your name as PP's ex did, but yes, good idea to check all three credit reports just in case.

2k bonus in cash? That's insane. Red Flag.

I know someone who's married to a guy like this. He used to be in business with a family member and their business has to be wound up because he was in thousands of pounds of debt to it, and it in turn was in debt to my family member who had to pay business bills from his own personal money due to his partner treating his wife and groups of her friends to expensive dinners on the company card.

I'm still not sure she knows the full extent of his financial mess.... Since they've been together he's turned into someone I barely recognise - dishonest and almost immoral in order to maintain a financial facade to which there is really no substance. He's built up large debts here, there and everywhere.

His approach seems to be to use small business for supplies and car repairs etc, and then move on without paying them. So I believe they're on their third or fourth garage now!

Until recently they were renting a house belonging to an elderly relative of mine and the rent was paid late every single month - and there was often a lag of up to three months when they went on holiday (yes, really!).

He's a "lovely" guy too....just recently became a father as well. I just hope for his wife and child's sake he's managing to sort his financial situation out.

OP, you need to ensure you're in full possession of all the facts here somehow. You need to open his mail when it arrives and get that credit check done as soon as you can. I think it's highly probable you are living on top of a big can of worms here.

I'd echo the posters who asked where the hell you get £2k in cash from on a Saturday night. There is no way his employer has given him that envelope.

I'm more concerned about £2k being produced on a Saturday night than anything else. The rest is just a mess. You need to be asking some serious questions here. Fire up your BS radar first.