My DH is awful with money & gets depressed when i mention it. (VL)

[CrystalHealer]

Ive been an emotional wreck for a few days now and its been building up so i thought i'd ask for your help and opinions.

My Dh has always been awful with money, when we met he was in a FT job as a cashier in a large well known supermarket. I already had my career and was earning well. So i always had more money than he did and therefor had the lifestyle of an adult and i liked it. I also had a DC from a previous relationship who i was able to spoil and support her financially without help from her father (who isn't obliged to pay for his daughter as he is on benefits and has never worked). I should also mention that my family are hard workers and have made money over the years and invested wisely which is where i get my steady head for money from. Dh's family are well off but haven't taught him about money.

Over the years DH has had difficulty with talking about money, helping me out financially and seems to get annoyed when i ask for money. For example when we first moved in together he had his money & i had mine, it wasn't shared. This was fine with me as he paid some bills and i paid others. However when we moved in together i lost a lot of money as i was no longer a single parent. Fine; i explained this to DH (then BF) didn't offer to help out at all, even though it had hindered me little bit. Ok it isn't his daughter so i let it go. (I should point out that by this stage DH had legal guardianship of my DD, so technically she is his)

A few years later we decided to get married and have another child, i paid for the Wedding on my own with again not one pound from DH, despite asking on several occasions. OK i know by this stage I've been soft with him but i kept hoping that he would change and with the baby coming along he would see that it was time to support his family. When the baby arrived, no money, not one thing did he buy for the baby. My DM helped me out and was always asking why i was living so poorly compared to before. By this stage had had changed my job as we had moved away and i was in a good job but on a very low wage. Things got so bad that a year later we had to move again as i was made redundant from my job and we could no longer afford the rent.

We moved into house which belonged to my Grandmother and knowing our financial state she offered a very low rate of rent which was affordable. We decided that with the low rent we could afford for me to be SAHM (childcare costs are to high anyway)and DH started for the first time to give me some money each month. So we have been here 18 months now, great, things are tight but we are coping and overall we are very happy as a family.

I came home last week to find that DH had bought himself several luxury items on a credit card, a new coffee machine, an apple watch, an other computer and a few bits for a particular hobby he has. I was livid, i can barely afford to buy new shoes for the kids and i never spend money on myself anymore i am literally broke! He has 4 credit cards and thousands of pounds worth of debt. The whole point in the move was to be sensible, get on our feet, try and be debt free and start to save money. This isn't a one off either.

Now heres the worst bit, i am so ashamed and embarrassed about this and I've no idea how to fix this mess. DH hasn't been paying my DG the rent money for TEN months!!! I only found out when we got in an argument and he told me he hadn't paid the rent because "we were living like beggars and thats not living at all". I visited my DG who i am very close to and she said that she didn't tell me about it because she could see that we where struggling and that she didn't want to embarrass me. She has also said not to worry about there went until we get on our feet and start saving some money, i can't do this, i need to pay her back and start paying her the rent. Plus i feel like she wonders why i married a man who would do this.

I feel like kicking him out. He says he's depressed now, this is always the case wehe has to face the music about his spending habits. What the hell do i do now? I am currently looking for a job as i feel I've no alternative. I am so ashamed writing this, what has my life become, its bloody miserable.

I should mention that this is his biggest fault otherwise he is a great dad to both the kids and a loving DH who gets along well with everyone and has never missed a days work in all the years we have been together.

So his children need new shoes, he's defaulted on the rent but he can afford expensive toys, coffees, cigarettes and fucking weekly haircuts? He's not a keeper, OP.

OP really feel for you. What a horrid situation. I can't believe your husbands selfishness. Fancy doing that to your wifes gran! Especially when she is already doing you the kind gesture of paying low rent. Cheeky bastard!!! I'm sorry it may not be what you want to hear, but I would ask him to leave as pp's have said and to make amends financially at the very very least.

The only options I can see are for him to hand over all cards and whatnot to you to take complete control of all finances until you're back on your feet or ask him to leave. I can't think of a single in between bit.

So he prioritises a weekly haircut, cigarettes, his hobby and wine over his dc's shoes and a roof over your head

Where you went wrong was marrying him hoping he would change.

It's time to realise that he is not a good partner, he is not a good man, he is not a good dad. He is selfish and unwilling to put anyone else before his desires.

The only way he might possibly change, is if he realises what he stands to lose. The only way they will happen is if he leaves, proves he can be responsible over a long period of time (6 months+), stops spending and pays off his debts.

Have you considered counselling, either couples or just for yourself? Something has to change.

Can you not say you will leave him unless you take control of all the money as he has proved himself selfish and untrustworthy? You deal with all bills, rent and everything and you decide a budget for both of you for everything you spend on. That includes giving each other a weekly budget of pocket money and then he can spend his and you can spend yours. Then if he doesn't have enough money for a haircut every week, which is ridiculous in itself, then he goes without. Needless to say, he hands the credit cards over to you and agrees not to get any more. Then maybe there is a future for you both? Can he not see how selfish he is being? His money and your money is FAMILY money.

I feel like as a Wife i should support him- for richer for poor and all that.

It's going to be for a great deal poorer at this rate. And not just you but also your grandmother and who knows who else is bailing him out.

You're not supporting him, you're enabling him. You're propping him up so he never has to take full responsibility for what he's done. So he behaves like a spoilt, entitled teenager and you take it.

Your children are learning that their shoes are less important than their step-dad's haircuts and smart watches. Your marriage, your family, is supposed to be a partnership. You haven't failed the marriage but not dealing with this is failing your family.

Stand by your man is a great philosophy, but he isn't standing by you

Well that didn't take long, about 5 mins.

He came home and pretended nothing was wrong, and went about his day. I knew he was avoiding me so i asked him straight to talk about it. He didn't want to talk about it. I said i was serious this time and i wanted control of the money. He agreed to hand over all the money from each pay packet and then walked out of the room. I went after him and he said he spends the money like that because (insert long winded excuse) i let him do it and i also have the "We only live once" mentality. This is bollocks, although i do fully agree that i have probably encouraged and enabled him to do this.

He is childish, emotionally unavailable when i want to talk about this and i asked him to leave. He said he isn't leaving as he has agreed to hand the money over to me and because we've gotten through worse, he loves me/the kids/he's sorry etc.

He's gone of with the kids in the car for a drive.

I am giving him three months to sort this out and then he's out of the house no excuses. In that time ill get myself down to CAB and look at my options incase things don't improve. Ill also look into counselling as its necessary & i wouldn't stay without this.

Taking his money won't fix things though, will it? He'll just take out more credit cards if he wants something.

In 3 months everything will have died down and you'll make excuses because "it's not as bad as it was". Simply because you are now making sure your GM is getting her money, not because he's actively changed :(

You've asked him to leave and he's said no :( that doesn't show any respect for your wishes either. Why can't he go? Do you have a proper rental agreement with his name on it? If not, your GM can ask him to leave.

Why won't he give you the space you need? Why when you talk is it your responsibility to teach him to care? Why is this your fault? He's not sorry.

So in summary, you've agreed to take on all financial pressures, he's agreed to do nothing.

I had a father just like your husband. He wore my mother out with decades of the same crap he's putting you through. Then, he fucked off with a woman only a couple of years older than me. It was the best thing he ever did to my mum in the long run. At least she was self-sufficient and only had herself to worry about.

Don't be my mother. Please give him his marching orders. The more he gets bailed out and you tolerate it, the worse he will get.

About the debts: if they are all in his sole name, even though you are married they are not your legal responsibility. He can pay them off as best he can while paying you appropriate child-support for your two children, which I believe would be 20% of his take-home pay. Fortunately, at the moment child-support is not taken into consideration when calculating what benefits you are entitled to.

He said he isn't leaving as he has agreed to hand the money over to me and because we've gotten through worse, he loves me/the kids/he's sorry etc.

spell it out to him like a child - in writing seeing as he refuses to discuss it like an adult - you want him to leave because he does not act like a responsible adult, parent and partner. The fact that you have had to ask for and he has willingly handed over control of all finances STILL shows that he is not willing to take responsibility for himself or his family.

'men' like this disgust me. i'm glad you're taking steps in case things don't work out. i couldn't stay in a relationship where i had to mother the man because he couldn't be arsed acting his age.

whilst you're the one who is managing all the financial responsibilities, i would give him an itemised list of where his share of money is going - because i have a feeling he will erupt and accuse you of all sorts (money grabbing/being unfair etc) when it suddenly hits home that he cannot carry on his self centered lifetsyle. Plus, written evidence now will help you further down the road when/if the time comes

He agreed to hand over all the money from each pay packet and then walked out of the room.

And cut up all his cards and freeze the accounts? Sell the useless stuff he's just bought?

You need to test his resolve at once, not when the next pay cheque comes through, so that means cards to you now, internet banking passwords changed, you change the PIN number of every card you have, make sure you don't have any which you can use by just tapping them, etc. He gets £10 a week pocket money in cash but you keep no other cash in the house so he can't take it from your purse.

And then you need to decide if you think being this man's jailer is (a) what you want and (b) how he will learn to take responsibility for his mistakes. All he's doing is handing the problem to you to manage.

I would ask the CAB how your grandmother might go about evicting him. Unfortunately I would imagine she can't, although the lack of a tenancy agreement might help.

Op he has given you the equivalent of a punch in the face and you gave him 3 extra months. You've effectively got another child to parent, he has no respect for you what so ever, not only did he walk all over you he wiped his feet on you for good measure.

I bet in every other realm of your life your strong and decisive but when it comes to him or then likes of him you cave.

Get off of your white horse take off the rescuer armour and get angry ffs, your child is picking up some fantastic life lessons from All of this.

He came back and i asked him to talk again as i felt there where things left unsaid. He started to complain/moan about me "going on about it/dragging the past up" etc. He said this life makes him feel like a failure, how are we ever going to make a better life for ourselves and that saving £50 pw wouldn't make any difference to this shit life we have now. He's fucking depressed about this crap life and so on.

I asked him repeatedly why he hadn't paid the rent then BOOM and wait for this one........."DG has enough money, why should i give her my money so she can spend it on shit, who the F needs all those fing ornaments & holidays, why can't i keep the money and spend it. It makes me happy.

I couldn't go nuts because the kids where in the hall but i told him in no uncertain terms to get the fuck out of this house and don't fucking come back.... Its over asshole! He left.

You where all right. i married a waster.

Crystal, he actually thinks he's entitled to spend your GM's money on himself?!

Well done! You have made the first step towards being happy. My xh was a lot of things, and bad with money was one of them :( I remember the stress of finding secret loans. Having to take on doing the finances, even the sudden "depression". It got worse. Much worse.

It was utterly exhausting and very much like having another child to look after. You can now be the strong role model they need. Be kind to yourself. Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to

OMG his credit card debt will continuing to haunt you as well until you legally separate - you need to do this asap.

You need legal advice and fast, very fast.

Yeah cocklodger.. I'm sorry man

Do you have someone who can be with you once you stop feeling so mad? I can imagine who you're feeling atm.

Wow, he's shown his true colours.

Congrats crystal - tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Yes to the legal advice. You need to separate your finances ASAP. If he took out loads of loans now, you need to know that you're not responsible for them.

Hey op I'm glad you got angry, I'm sorry this is all happening to you and yours. It's batten down the hatches time and get your ducks in a row.

See what debt your responsible for and make sure there's nothing in your name you don't know about. Maybe get a credit check done, tell family and friends get your support ready to lean on.

Take his cards, change the passwords on the bank accounts and when he complains say why can't i keep the money and spend it. It makes me happy.

Start telling people - now, whilst you're angry. You need some incentive to keep going and having it as a dirty little secret makes it too easy for you to change your mind.

By the way, assuming no tenancy agreement in place I would be tempted to ask your grandmother to change the locks.

What an etittled arse

If he left that bloody apple watch behind, sell it and give the money to your DGM.