My DH is awful with money & gets depressed when i mention it. (VL)

[CrystalHealer]

Ive been an emotional wreck for a few days now and its been building up so i thought i'd ask for your help and opinions.

My Dh has always been awful with money, when we met he was in a FT job as a cashier in a large well known supermarket. I already had my career and was earning well. So i always had more money than he did and therefor had the lifestyle of an adult and i liked it. I also had a DC from a previous relationship who i was able to spoil and support her financially without help from her father (who isn't obliged to pay for his daughter as he is on benefits and has never worked). I should also mention that my family are hard workers and have made money over the years and invested wisely which is where i get my steady head for money from. Dh's family are well off but haven't taught him about money.

Over the years DH has had difficulty with talking about money, helping me out financially and seems to get annoyed when i ask for money. For example when we first moved in together he had his money & i had mine, it wasn't shared. This was fine with me as he paid some bills and i paid others. However when we moved in together i lost a lot of money as i was no longer a single parent. Fine; i explained this to DH (then BF) didn't offer to help out at all, even though it had hindered me little bit. Ok it isn't his daughter so i let it go. (I should point out that by this stage DH had legal guardianship of my DD, so technically she is his)

A few years later we decided to get married and have another child, i paid for the Wedding on my own with again not one pound from DH, despite asking on several occasions. OK i know by this stage I've been soft with him but i kept hoping that he would change and with the baby coming along he would see that it was time to support his family. When the baby arrived, no money, not one thing did he buy for the baby. My DM helped me out and was always asking why i was living so poorly compared to before. By this stage had had changed my job as we had moved away and i was in a good job but on a very low wage. Things got so bad that a year later we had to move again as i was made redundant from my job and we could no longer afford the rent.

We moved into house which belonged to my Grandmother and knowing our financial state she offered a very low rate of rent which was affordable. We decided that with the low rent we could afford for me to be SAHM (childcare costs are to high anyway)and DH started for the first time to give me some money each month. So we have been here 18 months now, great, things are tight but we are coping and overall we are very happy as a family.

I came home last week to find that DH had bought himself several luxury items on a credit card, a new coffee machine, an apple watch, an other computer and a few bits for a particular hobby he has. I was livid, i can barely afford to buy new shoes for the kids and i never spend money on myself anymore i am literally broke! He has 4 credit cards and thousands of pounds worth of debt. The whole point in the move was to be sensible, get on our feet, try and be debt free and start to save money. This isn't a one off either.

Now heres the worst bit, i am so ashamed and embarrassed about this and I've no idea how to fix this mess. DH hasn't been paying my DG the rent money for TEN months!!! I only found out when we got in an argument and he told me he hadn't paid the rent because "we were living like beggars and thats not living at all". I visited my DG who i am very close to and she said that she didn't tell me about it because she could see that we where struggling and that she didn't want to embarrass me. She has also said not to worry about there went until we get on our feet and start saving some money, i can't do this, i need to pay her back and start paying her the rent. Plus i feel like she wonders why i married a man who would do this.

I feel like kicking him out. He says he's depressed now, this is always the case wehe has to face the music about his spending habits. What the hell do i do now? I am currently looking for a job as i feel I've no alternative. I am so ashamed writing this, what has my life become, its bloody miserable.

I should mention that this is his biggest fault otherwise he is a great dad to both the kids and a loving DH who gets along well with everyone and has never missed a days work in all the years we have been together.

You are only well matched because you have funded his life.

Withdraw your funding and you will see how much of a match you are

He came back; crying, apologising for everything he said & his behaviour. We had a long conversation about his crazy spending.

He handed me an envelope with £2000 in it, he said he'd been given a bonus from work and was saving it so we could go on holiday next month as a surprise (lno holiday planned/booked, haven't had one in years). He does usually get a bonus but not until September so not sure I believe this but I've no idea where else he would get it. He said he would go straight round to DG and give it to her. The envelope also had a list of all his outgoings, his full wage (which I wasn't 100% sure about).

I now have all the information I needed. It's bad, per month, he's spending almost all of his wages most of which are via DD for things he has purchased & he's paying off. Excluding rent he has only £380 left.

So he's away to pay DG & then he's leaving again. I am at my Mums tonight, I didn't really want to be on my own & i can talk to her about it to.

Thanks for all the replies. Enjoy your Sat night

Also after he said that about your GM how can you respect him?

Ugh he's completely grim
How could you look past this massive, selfish gaping hole of a flaw in his personality? And no, he'll never, ever change. Of course not.

A cash bonus? Is that usual?
Are you sure he's not gambling?

Quite & Ehric I don't respect him; I chucked him out! It's over.

Cash bonus is the norm I think. From what he's given me there's no way he's gambling, he has no money left.

Immediately thought of gambling here. Gamblers keep money that they can use to bet. If you ask them for money for bills they say they have none. That is because they genuinely believe they don't because that money is their gambling money. They also lie at a drop of a hat. People often say about gamblers they would rob their own granny!! I would definitely say gambling. How would he suddenly have discovered that money? You need to be very sure there is not a massive amount of debt. Mind yourself

I guarantee he's borrowed that two grand off someone else. Where on earth would he have got all that cash in one go so quickly? His bonus is surely not paid in cash.

Still don't see any evidence of him handing over his cards and passwords for his accounts. You only have his word for it that his figures on salary and outgoings are correct.

I think he's hoping a grandiose gesture now will get you off his case for a while, and then when he starts spending again you'll feel you can't raise it again without being accused of 'nagging' and 'raking up the past' etc. 'I gave your grandmother the money I owe her what more do you want?'. I'd make damn certain he has given it to her and not persuaded her to refuse to accept it on the grounds 'you' (by which he means his appetite for new stuff) need it more.

Did he say how he got access to two thousand pounds on a Saturday night? The maximum our ATM allows is £300 withdrawal per day.

Please move on and dont take him back.

Bloody hell OP, he needs a serious wake up call. I would be kicking him out and asking him to prove over several months that he can make changes. I don't think the changes will happen when he's with you. If you relent now he'll know that you aren't serious and can be manipulated into taking him back.

Good luck.

Perhaps he got a payday loan with an interest rate of over 1200%. You did well to ask him to leave. Now you can focus on the future for yourself and your children.

Will he actually give the money to your Gran do you think. I agree with others, he's borrowed that cash from somewhere. It would have been better if you had taken it off him to pay dgm yourself but I can understand why you wanted to give him the chance to make good.

Hello OP. Feel for you, is an awful situation to be in especially as a SAHP you may be feeling more vulnerable. I agree with others you need to get legal advice re. seperation if only to ensure you have a date. He is trying to placate you I suspect. He has spoken the truth to you about how he really feels and that is he entitled to that money and that you GM is not. In failing to pay her rent he has taken advantage of her vulnerability by her relationship to you and has therefore disrespected both her and you in the process. This must be very hard for you to come to terms with.

I hope you do not think I am being gloomy here but I have a friend whose DH was useless with money. Spent more than he earnt (decent salary), credit cards maxed out on things he wanted and felt he deserved, all totally unnecessary. She sold her flat and they moved in together. She made a profit and paid off all his debts and I means thousands. They moved in together with no debt outstanding. He started to put debt onto new cards (hidden from her) a few months after they moved in. Being the big man paying for drinks at a stag do, more junk etc and when she noticed he said it was money from his parents, friends etc. She asked and he assured her their was nothing to worry about. They had a DD and money was tight during friends maternity leave. Out of interest she looked into a small loan to tide her over until her return to work, was rejected due to her credit rating. Oh yes he has taken out cards and loans in her name without her knowledge. He had forged her signature several times and given most is online he did not even need to do it all the time. 10's of thousands of debt. Yes they seperated and she is still paying off that debt while living with her mum.

She deserved better and so do you. YOu know that.

You need to get family around you and make sure he cannot wheedle back in. He is a thief and a liar, he thinks he can do what he can get away with. Don't let him get away with this.
What an awful weekend for you. I hope you can hold your dignity now, you've done the right thing for you and your GM.

Yy to legal advice and checking your credit tating

You have definitely done the right thing.

But I don't think you do have the full picture. There is something not right in this £2000 'cash bonus'. Supermarkets do not give out cash bonuses. I would be really surprised if they gave out company cars unless that was to top executives- which he can't be or you would not be strugglng financially. There is something not right in what he is telling you.

That money is...

1. Hidden from you for him to keep for himself.
2. Not his money ie borrowed.

Bonus (from most companies) will be payed at set time in year and usually go through pay packet - paye, so taxed etc... £2000 post tax is one good bonus.

He is lying
He is minimising
He is up to his neck in debt

He will drag you and the kids with him.

Just think how would you have coped up to now without your gran's subsidised rent?

I'm glad you asked him to leave, now is the time to change the locks. Have you checked with your Gran that he actually gave her the money?

I would go so far as to say he is being financially and emotionally abusive. He has backed you into becoming a sahm with no independent income or access to savings/his earnings, spends on himself as he sees fit at the expense of basics for you and dc, then has the gall to claim he is the victim and depressed when challenged. Hate to say it but I'd be surprised if the extent of his debt stops at the repayments for stuff and owing peppercorn rent to DG. You need advice asap as to how to disentangle yourselves. At least you can stay put though. How old are your dc now?

Oh god. Are you sure the car is a company car? No big company gives out cash bonuses. I could see it happening if he worked on a building site, but not at a supermarket. Something is really wrong here :(

Get that credit report done ASAP.

I am so sorry to hear about this situation. I had a similar thing with DH. But after a few years we turned it completely around. Now he is very responsible with money. I also paid every penny for my wedding. So we have been there, but I got him on track eventually. I believe it is possible.

This sounds like there is something going on - more than just immaturity. It sounds as if you have a strong marriage otherwise. Is he depressed and spending is his way of dealing with it? Is he unhappy in his job? Does he have a gambling problem? It sounds as if he is fundamentally unhappy about something.

You have done the right thing by kicking him out. Make him think and realise how serious this is. But find out what is causing this behaviour. If he is someone you have real connection with and he is a good dad then you owe to yourself and the kids to try to see if there is any future.

My husband has done things that would have (and has had) people on here screaming LTD. I have also done things that if DH wrote on MN would have the same people screaming leave the bitch. Noone is perfect. Your DH has made huge mistakes. But you (like me) made a mistake too (but I understand how f*ing annoying it is having to force a grown man to contribute financially to their family). The important thing for your kids is how you try to deal with it together. Focus on the future. Good luck

I'd agree. Retailers haven't paid out cash bonuses for many, many years to casual staff , let alone senior management with company cars. In the current economic climate even 2k seems odd. Something doesn't add up.

Even if it was paid in cash, there would still be a pay slip and deductions, it wouldn't be a nice round number.