I'm the most horrible person in the world but I'm hurting

[ImAnAwfulAwfulperson]

Deep Breath

I know I'm in for a flaming and so be it. I deserve it.

A little while back I met a guy. We clicked, shared the same tastes in things etc. He told me he was single. We had the same sexual fantasies (not mainstream) and at the beginning a lot of it was sex talk. We live a fair distance from each other, so it was conducted via text with photos and videos swapped.

After we'd been chatting for about a month, he confessed to me that he was falling for me. There was just one thing, and that was that his ex wasn't actually his ex and he was married.

By this point I had fallen for him. I know it was wrong. I knew then that it was wrong. He told me he hadn't had any sexual contact with his wife for a long time, aside from when they were TTC. I believe this to be true, as he spent so much time talking to me that it would leave very little window. I was gobsmacked and didn't really know how to respond. We had well and truly fallen for each other by this point and had plans to meet up already. He said he couldn't meet up with me without being honest.

So we met up. The chemistry was unreal, the sex was incredible. I’m a horrible sort of person because although I always felt guilty, I could always manage to compartmentalise it and shut it out. We spoke about our partners in nothing but high regard, and both firmly said that neither of us wanted to leave our partners, we were both looking for sexual fulfilment. I think because of the amount of time we spent talking, feelings grew and we did say we loved each other. He was so attentive, loving and affectionate and I become to crave it. He told me I was beautiful, which I have never experienced before.

We met up a few times, but most of it was done by phone.

A few days ago his wife found his phone and read the messages.

I feel sick to my stomach over how stupid we’ve been and the hurt I’ve caused his wife. I wish I could take it all back and make it all right. I never wanted him to lose his family and really hope that he manages to make ammends with his wife, and perhaps work on the issues that were there.

Very selfishly of me I know, but it is killing me that we never got the chance to say goodbye. He’s been a huge part of my life for a while, and we formed a great friendship too. I wish we had formed the friendship first and kept to that. I have never been through a break up before, and I miss him. I know I have no right to feel the way I do. I’m just so sorry for what has happened and trying to tell myself that its right we don’t speak again. But its hard. Sorry for being such a cunt.

Thank you wannaBe that is exactly how it is.

I have deleted everything. I highly doubt there'll be any contact.

I do need to re-evaluate whether an open relationship is right for me. It has worked for a long time, but now that this has happened I doubt it is. If my DP wants to continue seeing other people that is fine though.

I have sent you a message, OP

Yes playthegameout you're right. That is exactly what I need to do.

I've been through the whole romanticising that we could be friends, say hello from time to time already. Hell, I even thought for a flitting moment that if they do split (which she currently wants) that I may see him again. I know I'll go through all that. I also know I'll get to a point where I'll wonder why I was acting like a silly teenager.

Op you say you feel awful, are very sorry, never meant to hurt, feel sick and so on but the plain fact is that until you got caught out by his wife, you didn't have any of these feelings! These are the feelings you get when you are caught in the net of your own making, and feel sick because you have lost him and risked your relationship. I very much doubt you feel sick over his wife's feelings!

I am not actually as judgy as I sound from the above, you were in an open relationship of sorts which has these inherent dangers in it. It was he that was married/children, so the blame most definitely goes to him IMO. But I just think you need to be very deep down honest here about what feelings you have and why you feel ill/stressed/sick and lost.

I feel sure if he turned up saying 'come on, let's continue' you would get over your feelings and that is why I don't actually believe you are sorry at all.

I genuinely did have feelings of guilt and never meant to hurt right the way through. It isn't a nice personality trait to have but I could always compartmentalise it and was in a complete bubble.

Its all very very real now, and I can't compartmentalise it which is why the feelings feel more raw and escalated. I honestly wouldn't continue it.

You you you you you.

If you ever truly loved your partner you'd not only have done him the courtesy of not pissing all over his boundaries, but you'd realize he deserves the information to decide for himself whether to give you another chance.

Your continued selfishness denies him the chance to decide for himself what wants because what you want is more important.

You're selfish to the core.

Is there not a forum linked to the kinky ones you use that might be a better place to discuss your feelings rather than one full of shattered women (and men) seeking support and help for broken relationships caused by selfish people like you and him?

Funny that you are 'distraught at his wife's pain' now and didn't stop the relationship as soon as you found out he was married. After all, you were only looking for your kinky fuck - why not seek out a single kinky fuck partner?

What does 'never meant to hurt anyone' mean if your actions actually do hurt people? It is just a phrase, nothing at all.

And saying 'I'm the most horrible person in the world' and 'I'm so awful' is what my kids do when they think they are about to be told off! ('mum, I've done something terrible' ). It makes you into a victim not to be kicked (that won't work on MN, lol)

Again- not really a biggie for me, you have done a minorly wrong thing which millions of other people have also done, and I suspect he has done before, but it is down to this bottom line honesty with yourself you need to go.

Yours is a very self-serving narrative (not telling your partner 'for his own good' is just not convincing) and I would personally stop all this over the top self-flagellation and have a quiet word with yourself about living in a more honest and straightforward way and sorting out the relationship you do have.

No, by the point I knew he was married things had already developed beyond it just being kinky fucks.

I know it is selfish. The whole thing was very selfish for both of us. I'm not condoning it, but thats how it was.

Incidentally, my feelings about full disclosure are not about punishing you. It's just I tend to find having a bucket of cold water thrown over all your denial and over-investment in the OM is the quickest way to recover your senses. And to build an honest future together.
Sweeping things under the carpet just means that one day you will have to address your issues with your relationship. And if you mean what you say about the guilt, then dealing in secret and lying to yourself is going to pain you for a very long time.

I understand where you're coming from Katie.

I need to make sense of it and then decide I think.

Do you have anyone sensible in RL you can talk to about this?
I hope so.
Everybody fucks up sometimes, but sometimes fucking up dreadfully can make things better in the long run IYSWIM? Catalyst for change and all that.
Because I get the feeling that things were not so perfect between you and your DH before this bomb blew up? I could be wrong but...

No, by the point I knew he was married things had already developed beyond it just being kinky fucks.

In your OP you say he told you he was married about a month in and BEFORE you had even met. Oh, but it had developed beyond kinky fucks and you just couldn't help yourself. Seedy. Nasty. Selfish. And continuing that theme, you are whingeing that you can't say goodbye. Boo fucking hoo. So how do you know his wife wants to leave him? Why could you not say goodbye when he told you about that?

Sorry, I have assumed she does based on what people have posted. I haven't spoken to him.

Yes we were both selfish and nasty. I am very sorry for that. But we had spoken at length, at that point throughout the night for around 6-7hrs as well as during the day. Things had developed beyond a bit of sexting. As soon as we started talking about regular things we clicked. We were already invested to a point when he came clean.

Katie - I think so. I will have a think about speaking to them.

Things weren't perfect, but weren't bad per se. Just taking each other for granted sort of stuff really.

What you have to think hard about is why you gave yourself permission to take this encounter further.
Until you work that out there is a very good chance you will be susceptible again.

Yes, I agree. Thank you Katie. Your posts have really made me think.

Good luck love, I mean that.

ImAnAwefulAwfulPerson,
You need to take a reality check here.
You don't love this man and you never loved this man.
You had an association (I won't even call it a "relationship") based on 'phone sex and a few meetings.
You do not know this man or anything about him except that he is a liar.

You were in love with how he made you feel

Both of you were playing out a fantasy and you both ended up getting burned.

You can't undo the hurt you caused this man's wife, so that's guilt you'll need to learn to live with.

IMO you need to do the decent thing and 'fess up to your partner. If you have any respect for him whatsoever, he needs to be given the information so he can decide if he wants to stay with you or not.
I think you know that's the right thing to do.