I'm the most horrible person in the world but I'm hurting

[ImAnAwfulAwfulperson]

Deep Breath

I know I'm in for a flaming and so be it. I deserve it.

A little while back I met a guy. We clicked, shared the same tastes in things etc. He told me he was single. We had the same sexual fantasies (not mainstream) and at the beginning a lot of it was sex talk. We live a fair distance from each other, so it was conducted via text with photos and videos swapped.

After we'd been chatting for about a month, he confessed to me that he was falling for me. There was just one thing, and that was that his ex wasn't actually his ex and he was married.

By this point I had fallen for him. I know it was wrong. I knew then that it was wrong. He told me he hadn't had any sexual contact with his wife for a long time, aside from when they were TTC. I believe this to be true, as he spent so much time talking to me that it would leave very little window. I was gobsmacked and didn't really know how to respond. We had well and truly fallen for each other by this point and had plans to meet up already. He said he couldn't meet up with me without being honest.

So we met up. The chemistry was unreal, the sex was incredible. I’m a horrible sort of person because although I always felt guilty, I could always manage to compartmentalise it and shut it out. We spoke about our partners in nothing but high regard, and both firmly said that neither of us wanted to leave our partners, we were both looking for sexual fulfilment. I think because of the amount of time we spent talking, feelings grew and we did say we loved each other. He was so attentive, loving and affectionate and I become to crave it. He told me I was beautiful, which I have never experienced before.

We met up a few times, but most of it was done by phone.

A few days ago his wife found his phone and read the messages.

I feel sick to my stomach over how stupid we’ve been and the hurt I’ve caused his wife. I wish I could take it all back and make it all right. I never wanted him to lose his family and really hope that he manages to make ammends with his wife, and perhaps work on the issues that were there.

Very selfishly of me I know, but it is killing me that we never got the chance to say goodbye. He’s been a huge part of my life for a while, and we formed a great friendship too. I wish we had formed the friendship first and kept to that. I have never been through a break up before, and I miss him. I know I have no right to feel the way I do. I’m just so sorry for what has happened and trying to tell myself that its right we don’t speak again. But its hard. Sorry for being such a cunt.

Why would he be hurt if you can shag who you want while together?

My partner would be crushed by another man calling me beautiful, baby etc.

Sex, not really a problem. My partner knows my sexual kinks. Some he shares, some he's happy to indulge in for me and some aren't for him. He knows I like to get that from other people.

Feelings are another matter. But I don't know whether the feelings were genuine, or if it was that the bubble we were in was sort of creating that

OP, I'm interested in why you posted this here, knowing you would get flamed? Are you looking for people to make you feel worse, do you feel that will expiate your guilt in some way?

The only advice that I have for you is that you now know, first hand, how horrible and guilty you will feel if you're sleeping with a married man (or anyone in supposedly monogamous relationship.) Use this experience to inform your future choices about partners.

And have a think about renegotiating the terms of your open relationship with your own partner. You said you had crossed boundaries - you need to either revisit those boundaries, or find ways of not falling into the same behaviour patterns again.

Fuck off with closure. You and cheating husband just set off an emotional bomb within her.

Genuinely I do believe they didn't have sex, or at least it was very rare.

They slept separately and had young children. He talked to me from late evening, sometimes all night but usually at least until the small hours, and then we both worked from the same time etc.

He would have no reason to lie to me about it either. It wasn't that sort of relationship. It started with sex talk, role play etc. I never needed to hear that he didn't have sex with his wife. Quite the opposite.

In terms of my own relationship, I won't be exercising the open element. I'm not in the right place to do so.

Sorry, I think that is crap.
Is it not that he would be devastated by you becoming emotionally involved with someone else?
Being devastated because another man said you were beautiful but being A-OK with you fucking him?
Not buying it.

And yet he still lied to you about her being an ex?

Why do so many women fall for the lies that men tell them? "We don't sleep together" is the oldest excuse in the book!

It's like on other threads "he told me they did no more than kiss and I believe that to be true!"

Men will do anything and say anything to get in a woman's pants and I'm amazed so many fall for it and for the bullshit they spin when they get caught out.

You are so disrespectful to your partner, calling him your best friend but you seem happy to continue to live a lie. It's all about your feelings, I don't think you give a shit about your partner at all, if you did you'd tell him the truth.

You might not have needed to hear it, but he needed to say it. He needed to create the excuse, and then verbalise it to make it feel real.

All of them say that they aren't having sex with their wives. It's the oldest line in the book. Until you accept that, you are just allowing your head to believe that this was something other than a sordid extramarital affair.

I'm sorry that you hurt, and I'm sorry that this is your first break-up and you're going to have to try and get through it without your partner noticing. But if you do want to get through it, you need to accept the truth about what it was.

You are not Romeo and Juliet, it wasn't starcrossed lovers, he isn't any different to the rest. You absolutely have to accept that.

I'm not buying it either. There's a reason you've created this daft drama.

kinky, you (and the rest of the baying mob) don't actually know how his wife feel, much as you may be identifying with her. You certainly have no justification for the 'million times worse'. That's a pretty stupid post all by itself. Who can compare hurt like that?

the wife's pain is caused by and the responsibility of her cheating husband. Not OP who started off not knowing she existed.....

I don't essentially know why I posted here.

Its difficult grieving a relationship, however wrong, in secret. I love him, and it bloody hurts to know I won't ever see him again.

I know my pain at losing him is frankly nothing compared to what his wife is going through. But it is still there. Whenever I think of his wife going through this (all the time) I feel distraught for her. And I know I have no right to feel that either.

But yes, I do deserve a flogging. I know I did wrong.

What if the wife tells your DP?

How did you meet him? What's he saying now about the relationship?

Ok.

At first he was using an online alias, if you like. Something that had no connection to who he really was. To avoid anything coming back to his real life. He had an online presence for some time. Part of that was saying he was single, as well as from a different town, different name, being a different age etc.

We started off engaging in sex talk. After a little while, the conversation opened up and we began talking about other things. I was always upfront about being in a relationship and they type of relationship it was. I was pretty shellshocked when he told me he was married. At that point he told me everything. When we continued talking, he opened up about his whole life, where he lived, his family, his children, where he worked etc. It was always important to me that he had a happy life with his wife and family because I didn't want him to want to leave them. He was very honest about his life, he always told me what he was doing, sent me pictures etc. And the logistics of how we spoke does back up that they didn't really have sex. But if they did it wouldn't have mattered to me. He always knew that, and really wouldn't have any reason to lie about it. It wasn't that which brought us together, it was a shared fantasy involving a very niche subject.

It was an arrangement that worked for both of us at the time. We met up occasionally for sex and would usually spend the night together.

'No sex at home' might be the "oldest line in the book", but judging by so many of the threads on here where women are complaining about men "pestering them for sex that they don't want", it's probably often very true.

If she somehow tells my DP then I will deal with it. But I would rather he didn't know for lots of different reasons.

I won't feel any better or worse. But he will be crushed. I don't see that him being in pain benefits anybody. The guilt and remorse I feel is something I feel regardless. I honestly don't think he would leave, so to put him through that pain would be wrong.

It isn't something I will ever do again. I have lost my desire to experiment outside of the relationship too.

We are actually very happy together. He is my best friend. We've been through a lot together.

I feel sick to my stomach over how stupid we’ve been and the hurt I’ve caused his wife. I wish I could take it all back and make it all right. I never wanted him to lose his family

should have considered that before you fucked him

My concern is with how hurt married guy's wife is

complete bullshit. If you were concerned then it wouldn't have happened. You knew he was married before you met.

He is probably showering his wife with love and sex (if she has forgiven him) and resents you for all of this.

you didn't mention your DP at all in your opening post. So really what you are upset about is the loss of this other man.

I'm afraid it will just have to hurt till it stops hurting. Not very useful advice I know, but we do all get over this sort of emotional pain.

if you don't care much for your DP, why are you together?

I hope he is showering his wife with love and sex. I very much want them to work things out and be happy. It isn't all about me. He is someone I care for very much and I wish him every happiness in the world.

I don't think he resents me, but if he does then so be it. He's really not that sort of person though. His pain is partly knowing his behaviour has caused his wife so much hurt.

Nobody thinks you deserve a flogging except you. This is self-flagellation, perhaps you started this thread for a bit of wallowing?

Whatever. You will have to find a way to deal with it and move on. What other choice is there?

And to the pp up thread who calls the posters on here 'the baying mob', you are being ridiculous. I see no one baying, for blood, presumably. It's another lazy insult used to justify your desire to post a different viewpoint on a thread.