I'm the most horrible person in the world but I'm hurting

[ImAnAwfulAwfulperson]

Deep Breath

I know I'm in for a flaming and so be it. I deserve it.

A little while back I met a guy. We clicked, shared the same tastes in things etc. He told me he was single. We had the same sexual fantasies (not mainstream) and at the beginning a lot of it was sex talk. We live a fair distance from each other, so it was conducted via text with photos and videos swapped.

After we'd been chatting for about a month, he confessed to me that he was falling for me. There was just one thing, and that was that his ex wasn't actually his ex and he was married.

By this point I had fallen for him. I know it was wrong. I knew then that it was wrong. He told me he hadn't had any sexual contact with his wife for a long time, aside from when they were TTC. I believe this to be true, as he spent so much time talking to me that it would leave very little window. I was gobsmacked and didn't really know how to respond. We had well and truly fallen for each other by this point and had plans to meet up already. He said he couldn't meet up with me without being honest.

So we met up. The chemistry was unreal, the sex was incredible. I’m a horrible sort of person because although I always felt guilty, I could always manage to compartmentalise it and shut it out. We spoke about our partners in nothing but high regard, and both firmly said that neither of us wanted to leave our partners, we were both looking for sexual fulfilment. I think because of the amount of time we spent talking, feelings grew and we did say we loved each other. He was so attentive, loving and affectionate and I become to crave it. He told me I was beautiful, which I have never experienced before.

We met up a few times, but most of it was done by phone.

A few days ago his wife found his phone and read the messages.

I feel sick to my stomach over how stupid we’ve been and the hurt I’ve caused his wife. I wish I could take it all back and make it all right. I never wanted him to lose his family and really hope that he manages to make ammends with his wife, and perhaps work on the issues that were there.

Very selfishly of me I know, but it is killing me that we never got the chance to say goodbye. He’s been a huge part of my life for a while, and we formed a great friendship too. I wish we had formed the friendship first and kept to that. I have never been through a break up before, and I miss him. I know I have no right to feel the way I do. I’m just so sorry for what has happened and trying to tell myself that its right we don’t speak again. But its hard. Sorry for being such a cunt.

And I care very very much for my partner. More than I ever realised.

Sorry to disappoint you jammie but really it wasn't like that at all.

If he wanted a hooker he would no doubt have one.

And it wasn't just a few words. It was an absolute investment of time. We worked out that we were talking on the phone for about 12hrs a week and texting for at least 5hrs a day / night. I really don't think he'd have been telling me about his children either.

There are tonnes of people on the internet you can get a quick shag from.

An online alias that he set up so there was no connection to the real him.

You were nowhere near the first for this guy, and you probably won't be the last. It wasn't special!

You realise of course your DP is going to know something's happened if you stop having relationships with others in the way you have done previously. It sounds as if sex was allowed but feelings were not, and you didn't fully discuss how to avoid the fact that the two are often (but not always) interlinked. You needed to have some ground rules, one of which would have been immediately terminating the other relationship as soon as it moved beyond sex.

I don't see that him being in pain benefits anybody.

It means he gets to live honestly. It means he has the power to choose what he wants, instead of having his choices limited by your dishonesty. It means you respected his right to know above your desire not to be the bad guy. And coincidentally it also means that when this inevitably comes out, you won't have continued to deceive him after the initial discovery. Nothing you have done in this affair has been done with the wellbeing of your DP in mind. You made a mistake. Now own it.

His pain is caused by knowing he hurt his wife?

Could have, you know, not spent hours on end talking to you and shagging you then couldn't he? Then she would have been just fine and dandy.

This thread

Shitty behaviour and even worse to try and claim that you're hurt because you've hurt his WIFE.

No sympathy at all because I don't believe you. You're hurt because you've been found out and he wants to make amends with his wife.

Your partner will feel like the booby prize if he finds out but you should still tell him and let him make his mind up with all the facts on the table. He might forgive you (especially with it being an 'open relationship'), but if he doesn't then it's one of those life lessons you haven't learned yet. Don't play with fire if you don't want to get burned.

is his wife even aware of everything that has happened between you?

Yes of course he could have. But he didn't.

An online alias is used to talk to strangers online. I'm not disputing that. I know he spoke to other people online and cammed. It was never hidden from me. However, he never developed a relationship or met anyone for real. He always maintained his online persona.

"If she somehow tells my DP then I will deal with it. But I would rather he didn't know for lots of different reasons.
I won't feel any better or worse. But he will be crushed. I don't see that him being in pain benefits anybody. The guilt and remorse I feel is something I feel regardless. I honestly don't think he would leave, so to put him through that pain would be wrong."

So much wrong with this I don't quite know where to begin.
Firstly you claim to have an open relationship. Then it appears your DH only minds if your lovers say approving things to you, not the niche fucking or emotional betrayal, but what boils his piss are compliments
Then you frame your cowardice and disloyalty in how much better it is for your Best Friend never to know as, after all it won't make YOU feel better?

What about treating your DP with respect?
Why does he not deserve to know his partner is in love with someone else?
Why does he not get to choose whether to remain in a relationship with someone who loves another man? Oh, that's right, you have decided he won't leave you regardless.
Why is it fair that he gets to see you devastated (and he will) and not know he is not the cause of your upset?

I'm trusting at least you have not jeopardised his sexual health. I hope not, anyway.

If you have any respect for your partner you'd tell him. You say how much he means to you, but you are happy to continue living a lie. Let him decide whether he wants to stay with you, you made the decision to hurt him when you stated fucking the other guy behind his back.

That you know of.

I think you aren't the first affair he's had.

He lied to you initially about having an ex.
He's on sites to 'pull' women. Probably more than one site.
He's an accomplished liar - ask his wife he's been lying to her for ages.

Do not romanticize this - I know you think you had this great connection. But he was playing you (and no doubt others). He probably did feel something for you - well the sex was great and available in an exciting secretive way. He likes lies and secrets and dressing it up as love and connections, it excites him.

You played your part in this so time to focus on your real life and get that in order.

Perhaps you're right, perhaps he had done it all before. I had a thorough look at his online posting before I starting trusting him, and there was nothing to suggest it though. And he was so so paranoid about ever having a connection back to his real life that I honestly don't think he did. But if I'm wrong then so be it.

Sorry to disappoint but I've never read 50 shades. And sub / dom isn't so much what I'm into either.

I think he is gutted to have hurt his wife. I am too. We both naively thought we could do it without anyone getting hurt. We were wrong. We royally fucked up.

I never want to cause my DP hurt. I'm obviously aware that what I've done will do so. I want to protect him from that, not for my sake, for his. I have to live the rest of my life with him knowing what I've done either way.

Our relationship - sex with other people fine. Emotional relationships are not. Put very basically.

Op, I have never and could never be in an open relationship, but tbh I have always thought that surely one of the dangers of an open relationship is that there is a risk that sex would spill over into emotional attachment. And the problem with an open relationship is that because the sex is permitted, by the time you realise that there is also an emotional connection it's too late. It's not like a conventional relationship where the sex is the boundary that is crossed. I'd imagine that emotional cheating within open relationships is far more common than people care to admit.

For those calling the op names, what exactly does that achieve? It's not the op who broke this man's wedding vows, he did. He is the one responsible for hurting his wife, and given he was on an online sex chat forum I don't imagine that the op was the first. He is responsible for now fixing his marriage, assuming that's what both he and his wife want. The only part the op now has to play in that fact is to cut contact and stay away.

In terms of your own relationship though op, it's clear that you don't have the capacity to have a no-strings open relationship, so perhaps it's time to review just what it is you want from a relationship and whether you want to stay with your partner. Given you say that you loved this man you need to evaluate whether you actually do love your partner and want to stay with him. But if you do love your partner then you need to assess in your head what you actually thought you felt for the om or whether it was just a misguided love based on the fact he made you feel good about yourself.

I wouldn't tell your partner no. As I said above, this isn't a conventional relationship where you slept with someone you shouldn't have. Sleeping with other people was already permitted, it's an emotional boundary you have crossed, but one which has made you sit up and think. But what you do need to do is to cut contact with this man. Block his number, no calls, no texts, and unsubscribe from the sex talk website. And consider this a wake up call as to why open relationships are so bloody damaging.

Can I ask why you're posting? What is the point of this thread for you? I don't feel strongly either way as to what you've done because people make bad choices all the time but be very clear about one thing .. He will never leave his wife for you, you were just an excitement thing for him and you should work on your self esteem for the future to avoid this sort of thing happening again

He's never done it before but went to great lengths to set up an online persona ? You DON'T know if he's done it before and you DON'T know whether they had sex or not. Whether they did or didn't it's really none of your business. I notice that ow love to claim they've got the inside gossip on other people's marriages. Must be part of the thrill.

But the moment you betrayed your partner, it stopped being all about you. All this "I will have to live the rest of my life..." is hyperbole bollocks. As is your faux devastation re the wife. If you had your way you would be meeting him again tomorrow.
And if you want to have a hope in hell in your current relationship you need to do the work. And by doing the work I mean full disclosure, honesty, respect and possibly counselling.
Otherwise you will have resolved nothing.
And you need to start by being honest.

I'm posting because I am trying to get my head around it all and come to terms with it.

What are you looking for here OP? You're not going to get support.

I've said several times that it was of no mither to me whether or not he was having sex with his wife!

I never wanted him to leave his wife. I never wanted to leave my partner.

I'm not looking for support! I know what I've done. I know that I need to move on from it and I will.

I just wanted somewhere to post because it isn't something I can offload about in the real world.

I think you need to stop elevating this in your mind. You don't actually know if he didn't have other affairs. You don't know what he was like with his wife. What you do know is that he is an accomplished liar, he lied to you and he has lied to his wife and children.