He doesn't want to marry me!

[ineedaholeinone]

DP has been married before and so have I. We've been together very happily for 9 years. Our previous marriages were unhappy and until quite recently I didn't even think about us marrying.
However, recently I've changed my mind. He's kind, caring, generous and supportive in every way. He's the one and I'd like to marry him.
One night, after a lovely night out and some drinks I told him I'd like to marry. Actually I asked him to marry me. He shocked me by saying no.........he said we would at some point though! That was certainly just to appease me.
Well, I was really hurt ....and surprised. He's always been so loving.
We have a great life, a home together. I now want commitment. I've brought it up since and it's still no.
I'm hurt and feel our relationship has changed.

How do I handle this? I can't help thinking it's because he doesn't love me enough. He seldom says he loves me but, i suppose actions speak louder than words and he is very caring.
I'm hurt, my pride is wounded and it's saddened me.

Is 9 years together not commitment?

So your ready and he's worries that marriage like his last will ruin the loving caring relationship you have had for 9 years?

Sorry I'm with him why would u ruin something for a bit of paper and apparently a headstone.... (the most ridiculous argument I've ever heard btw)

Men are not complicated he obviously loves you pr why stay for almost a decade, he is caring and kind he still needs and wants you he left everything he owns to you ffs.

He has the idea now and your opinion just get on with your happy life and thank god you have someone to keep the bed warm because what you have is already a marriage without the ring

Has the OPs OH actually said that though? I didn't think OP had said he gave any explanation as to why he doesn't want to marry PP.

His reason for not marrying is that we've both had unhappy first marriages. I believe his was less happy for longer than mine was.
I don't know if there are other reasons. Fear of a split and me claiming money/pension? He's never said any such thing. Also, he knows I wouldn't need to do that. But I wonder.

Also, we're happy as we are.........which is true. I'm the one who's now feeling back footed.

I'm very aware that I'm the one who's moving the goalposts. Many of you have wisely pointed this out.

My options are to accept the situation I'm in as it is or
To jog along with occasional lighthearted hints or
Have a full on discussion.

You'll notice I haven't mentioned the "to leave" option. Even though I'm saddened about his rejection of marriage I'm too old and savvy to consider tossing away such an otherwise solid relationship.

My best hope it that he'll change his mind.

Thank you so for all the wise words and time you've given me. It's really helped.

"My options are to accept the situation I'm in as it is or
To jog along with occasional lighthearted hints or
Have a full on discussion.

You'll notice I haven't mentioned the "to leave" option. Even though I'm saddened about his rejection of marriage I'm too old and savvy to consider tossing away such an otherwise solid relationship.

My best hope it that he'll change his mind".

But he won't will he (there is no reason in his head to change his mind) and perhaps you will not either. Personally speaking only I think his reasons for not wanting to marry you are spurious ones (and also smack of him not wanting you to have your hands on "his" money and yes I know he has not said anything about that); you are not his ex wife and you've both changed as people since those days when you were married to other people. He already gets what he wants out of this and perhaps on some level expects you to do the same too.

If someone else was writing this, what would your counsel to them be?.

What does marriage mean to you?. What is it about marriage that you really want?. What will you be sacrificing by staying with someone who is unwilling to sign on for those things?.

You may answer those questions and realize that he isn’t able to offer you the sort of commitment you hope to have. Or you may answer those questions and find that your definition of marriage isn’t too far off from his definition of non-marriage. Either way, make that decision with all of the information available, not with the hope that things may possibly change.

I'm too old and savvy to consider tossing away such an otherwise solid relationship. - then you will have to accept the status quo, whether you like it or not. An imbalance like this is not easy to live with, and now you are both affected. So what if you've moved the goalposts? In doing so you have been honest about your wishes about one very important matter to you.

You may feel that your DP is getting the best of the deal, so to speak. If it were me I would not be comfortable with that, moreover I would offer my OH the option to either xxxx or get off the pot, for the self-esteem reasons that you have outlined. Remember, there are no medals awarded for self-sacrifice in relationships.

Course yesterday's budget has got rid of the inheritance tax issues for 99% of people. So, can't use that as a reason to get married any more.

Oh, and I can't see why 'inheritance tax is an issue' anyway, if you can both survive financially without the other's money why do you care if £x goes to to HMRC instead of to you when he dies?

Unless you just don't like the idea of any money going to HMRC I suppose. But that's not a great reason to get married :)

But the new levels benefit his standpoint now, so you can't use that as part of your reason any more.

FWIW, I am in a similar position. Been together 6 years, house together, legals all tied up, he has a son and is divorced, I've no dc and never married. I want to get married, he doesn't.

But I am not that bothered about it that I push it, I think it's come up once this year. We're going to a wedding tomorrow so will be interesting to see if it gets mentioned after that.

I think you are always going to feel just a little bit not good enough though aren't you? Its out there now that you proposed and he turned you down. Marriage is still marriage and something many people desire and need. Im a romantic and I would be wanting him to propose to me and make the big gesture. Also him not saying he loves you would be a big big thing to me. When you are in love with someone you tell them. You just cant help it. Its important. You say actions speak louder than words but I would need the actions as well as the words. If someone doesn't tell me they love me then I would feel that they don't love me. That's me though.

I like to think of myself as a modern day feminist but I too would think, so I have proposed and you have basically turned me down, it would make me question the whole relationship, whether logical or not.

Lots of food for thought. I really thought when I posted, that the majority would tell me not to be so silly.......he's lovely to you, be happy with that, so many don't have such happy, fulfilling relationships etc.

So many of you can see where I'm coming from. It validates how I feel.

Correct, I don't want to pay 40% to the treasury in inheritance tax. I've always paid my taxes and so has DP. I don't want to pay more on money which has already been taxed. I'm not sure how the new rules affect this. Is it not on leaving property to the next generation rather than property and money between unmarried couples?

The tax issue does bother me but it's no way the catalyst for me wanting to get married. it's just one of the things that has come up.

Actually, a person doesn't need a 'good' reason to refuse to marry. 'I don't want to' is reason enough. Just like you don't need an excuse or a justification to say no to sex.

OK, if it's a case of an unmarried partner considering becoming SAHP to the kids then, while it's still acceptable to refuse to marry, the other partner does need to sort out financial protection for the SAHP and kids in case something goes wrong.